The Situation Restoration
by TerribleWaitress
Summary: Sequel to The Situation Diffusion. After almost two difficult, challenging, career-altering years apart, Leonard and Penny are back together and ready to return home for their fresh start.
1. You Have Someone to Dance With

**A/N - I couldn't stay away from this story at all, there were just so many ideas floating around in my head. As the sequel to The Situation Diffusion, I would recommend reading that so you understand the context here - but you don't have to, you'll probably pick it up along the way. This story will be both very happy and exciting but also have it's moments where it will get very sad and difficult. There will be some mentions and on occasion, deeper looks, into depression and self-harm at times, so if people would prefer me to put a little Trigger Warning before those, let me know (you can do that by PM if you prefer) - it won't be anything explicit or incredibly detailed, nothing I would find too difficult to put into words, but just in case. That being said, for the most part, this _will _be a happy story! :) So, I hope you enjoy this - we begin in Nebraska. Happy reading! **

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><p><em><strong>Chapter 1: <strong>You Have Someone to Dance With_

Penny rarely let go of Leonard's hand by choice if she had the opportunity to keep holding it. She liked the comfort and closeness of having her fingers linked with his; it made her feel warm, wanted and protected. She liked how it meant people would see that they were together; a couple who were happy to show off their love. She liked how he still held her hands in his, interlocking their fingers, palm to palm, even though he knew what she had done to her hands - he'd seen what she could do to them, and how easily she could do it to herself, but that never scared him off.

But as they walked through the final doors to leave the baggage area, and Penny saw her parents standing, waiting, in the Arrivals lounge, she let go of Leonard's hand. He gave her hand a reassuring squeeze just before she slowly released her hold, running her fingers gently through his, before their hands were free. He placed his on the luggage trolley handle, making it easier to steer. Penny practically ran towards her parents, and straight into her mothers open arms.

"Mom," Penny managed to choke out, squeezing her eyes shut tight as tears slid down onto her cheeks.

Leonard followed closely behind, stopping with the luggage trolley besides Penny's father, his heart warming at the reunion of mother and daughter.

Instantly, Wyatt pulled Leonard into a hug, patting him firmly on the back. "Thank you, son. Thank you."

Not entirely sure what to say, Leonard simply returned the hug. He knew that her parents felt the same concern and worry as he did for Penny, and thus they were the two people who would understand him - and in turn, he understood their emotional reactions in this moment. Seeing somebody so important to them, safe, and to have them in their arms, was something he could fully understand and relate to.

They parted at the same time Penny and her mother parted, and Penny went to hug her father, settling into his protective embrace. Leonard hardly had time to get out of their way before her mother's arms were around him in a tight hug, squeezing him as though her life depended on it.

"Thank you so much for taking care of our Penny and for coming out here. _Thank you_, thank you, Leonard." As she pulled away, she kept her hands on his arms in a way that reminded him very much of Penny. "I'm Meryl, by the way. It's so lovely to finally meet you."

"It's great to meet you too." Leonard smiled. "She's really been looking forward to coming back here and seeing you again. Since we made the plans to get a new place in Pasadena and come out to Nebraska, she's just been so excited, it's been amazing to see her like that."

"We are just so... so relieved she's here, and happy, and with you." Meryl said quietly, her lip trembling in a way that was, again, reminiscent of her daughter.

Pulling away from her father, Penny turned to look at Leonard with teary eyes and smudged make-up, but with a radiant smile nonetheless. "Welcome to Nebraska," she said, taking his hands. "I guess you met my mom, then."

"Yeah," Leonard nodded, smiling at her. He brought his hands up to her face, tucking her hair behind her ears, before using his thumbs to softly wipe the tears from her face. Her smile stayed, her hands on his chest, as he gently rubbed at the smudges of mascara to tidy her make-up a little.

"They're so cute," Meryl whispered to her husband, smiling. As a mother, the sight in front of her was all she had ever wanted for her daughter: to find somebody she loved and loved her back, somebody who made her smile, somebody who wiped away her tears and somebody who put her first without so much as a second thought.

"They really are." Wyatt nodded. It was a mixture of pride and happiness that he felt, seeing Penny and Leonard together - in a _real _relationship, both happy with each other and moving forward with their lives.

Turning slightly from Leonard, but not letting go of his hands, she looked at her parents. "Shall we get going? I can't _wait _to show Leonard around and introduce him to Mom's cooking."

"Sure thing, sweetheart." Wyatt nodded, taking hold of the trolley.

Deciding not to protest because he was still a tiny bit scared of Wyatt, and also because he didn't want to let go of Penny's hands, Leonard let him take the luggage trolley. They walked behind Penny's parents, Penny keeping one hand linked with his and the other across her body holding onto his arm lightly.

"Sweetie, you should do up your jacket, it's going to be really cold when we get outside." Penny said, as they neared the exit. She reluctantly let go of his hand so he could do so, in which time she unzipped her handbag, pulling out a blue scarf. "Here, put this on." Handing it to him, she pulled out a pink scarf, putting it on herself.

"How much did you put into your handbag?" Leonard raised a brow as he tied his scarf.

"Not much, I just packed scarves because I knew we'd need them." Penny shrugged, relinking their hands. "It's cold in Nebraska, baby. I know to be prepared."

As the automatic doors slid open to let them out, Leonard shivered and turned to Penny. "Smart move."

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><p>"And the last stop of our tour is," Penny wiggled her eyebrows, her tongue between her teeth, "my bedroom."<p>

"I kind of guessed that, considering it was the only room we hadn't been in yet."

"Come on Leonard, sweetie, can't you just go along with it for once?" Penny frowned, one hand on the doorknob, the other resting on her hip.

"Oh. Oh, yeah, okay. Sure," he nodded quickly, "ooh, how exciting!"

"Better." Penny smiled, before pushing the door open. "Ta-dah!"

Stepping inside, Leonard grinned as he took in Penny's teenage bedroom. It was adorned with posters of boy bands that he had only heard of from his sister when they were younger. There were framed photographs dotted around the various surfaces of the room. On the window ledge was a small collection of trophies and figurines, which he assumed were from cheerleading and probably horse riding. While the bed was made and the room was currently neat and tidy, it wasn't difficult to imagine it covered in clothes and misplaced items. Penny opened a door to their left to reveal a small en-suite bathroom.

"Nice," Leonard nodded. "It's very... _you_."

"Very _me_?"

"You know, with the posters, and the pictures, and teddy bears, all that kind of stuff."

"Oh, yeah, I suppose it is. It was never this tidy when I actually lived here though." Penny giggled, walking over to the window. "It's nice to be back. I'm glad we came here."

Taking a moment to just watch her standing there, at home and happy, Leonard smiled to himself, before walking up to Penny and wrapping his arms around her waist from behind. "Me too." He watched her reflection in the window, her lips curled upwards into a smile. Her eyes caught his own in the reflection and they grinned at each other, swaying gently from side to side. Her arms crossed in front of her body to link her hands with his, and she giggled.

"We're dancing to no music!"

"I wouldn't really count this as dancing... and who needs music to dance, anyway?" Leonard chuckled.

"Totally true." Penny leaned back against him as they continued swaying, and she hummed a slow tune for a moment before stopping. "Leonard?"

"Yeah?"

"D'you know we've never danced together? Like... not dancing in a club. But like, properly danced."

"We slow danced at Bernadette and Howard's wedding." He reminded her.

"True... but I mean, like, you know when you see in films and they're just dancing around together? Not slow dancing, not grinding up against each other in a club, just... _dancing _together and having fun. For no reason. Or for a reason, but not caring that they're not dancing like everyone else is."

Not sure where she was trying to go with this, Leonard hesitated. "Umm... are you saying you want us to do that? Or are you just pointing it out?"

Turning around, Penny beamed at him, her eyes lighting up, before she went across her room to the radio set on top of her chest of drawers. Opening the box next to it, she pouted for a moment before pulling out a cassette tape. "Bet you forgot about these bad boys, huh?"

"I can't believe you still own cassette tapes." Leonard shook his head in amusement.

"What! I'm not throwing these away. I used to dance to these songs with Daddy when they were on the radio when I was younger, so he'd put them on cassette tapes for me." Penny explained, popping open the dusty cassette slot and placing the tape in. She grinned as she hit play and music began playing. "Aha!"

He loved how casually sentimental she could be, and the little stories she told him of her childhood. The pace of the music was fairly fast, but not too upbeat or loud - it seemed quite a feel-good tune. Even though he didn't know it, he found himself enjoy it. Holding out his hands to her, he grinned. "Shall we dance?"

"Seriously?" Penny blinked for a few moments, before her grin returned and she took his hands. "Yes!"

For a few minutes, they did exactly what she wanted to: dance. Not particularly well, and for the most part they weren't in time with the music, but that didn't matter to them. They held each others hands, laughing, as they swayed their bodies and kicked their legs about, moving each others arms with their own, bopping their heads and waltzing (sort of, because Leonard wasn't sure if it was the right timing) around her bedroom. They both knew it didn't really resemble dancing and that they must look ridiculous, but in those few moments they were free and happy together - a freedom that either of them rarely felt with such ease.

"That was so much fun!" Penny exclaimed, breathing a little heavier from the exertion, leaning in to put her arms around him, as the cassette made rapid clicks as it scrolled forward through the tape to the next track. It began playing a much slower piece of music, and she smiled softly. "They played this at my parents twentieth wedding anniversary. They always danced to it at home. I was fourteen then and had nobody to dance with, and afterwards Dad came over to me and assured me that one day I'd have someone to dance to it with."

"Well, now you have someone to dance with." Leonard moved his hands to her waist, and they began to sway slowly to the music.

"Mm. Yeah. I do." Penny nodded. "I love you."

"I love you too."

They continued to slowly move together, stepping back and forth with their bodies pressed into each other, getting lost in the romantic undertones the instruments were playing. After a moment, Leonard leaned forward to kiss her forehead, but she lifted her chin up and captured his lips. Caught by surprise, it took him a while before he began to respond to her, realizing that it wasn't just a quick kiss she was after. They continued to slowly move to the music as her tongue gently pushed into his mouth, her arms coming up around his neck as he pulled her tighter to him. Her nails grazed at his scalp slightly as she curled her fingers into his hair, releasing a delicate "mmm" of satisfaction as his lips left hers to kiss along her jaw and neck. A sharp gasp left her as he bit lightly at her neck, and she pushed her hips into his.

Next thing she knew, his hands were travelling up her back, into her hair while he kissed her again, back down her spine as his tongue rolled onto hers, squeezing her ass - which earned him a slightly louder moan - and then back to her hips. Her knees felt weak and she was sure he could tell because as she tugged desperately on his bottom lip with her teeth, he lifted her up, her legs automatically wrapping around his waist.

Moving her lips to his ear, she breathed, "the door... it locks."


	2. Come Here, Little Slugger

_**Chapter 2: **Come Here, Little Slugger_

Leonard was fascinated by Penny's home life. He learned that she really had been brought up as 'Slugger' - playing sports with her father and siblings, fixing tractor engines and even helping build the shed out back. She did, however, admit to him that she was 'Little Slugger', because her sister was 'Big Slugger' since she was older and better at batting than she was. These things evidently hadn't left her, as he accompanied her in climbing over the fence in the garden (she, with ease - himself, not so much) to get coal for the fireplace, and carrying stacks of logs when he could just about handle three, which he dropped when he saw a spider crawling across one. It was a side of her he had never really seen before in Pasadena, but he guessed that whatever problems she had had with her father before had been resolved as she grew up away from her teenage years, as their relationship was very strong. He could really see the likeness between them and his influence on her upbringing.

He could also see a lot of Meryl in Penny - with the exception of cooking (though he had to admit, when Penny really tried, she tended to whip up some impressive meals) - as he had come to learn that Meryl was an incredible cook. They took him to the stables, and he quickly realized that despite how much Penny took care of her appearance, she had no problem at all with getting mucky and dirty. He watched Meryl and Penny ride their horses, amazed by how _good _they were - he knew Penny rode horses, but not to this standard. Even out of practice, her jumps were impressive and he could tell her connection with the horse was really strong. The next day, they managed to persuade him to ride. It was terrifying, but once he got the hang of it, quite enjoyable. He wasn't brave enough to do anything other than a walk, but he commended himself just for mounting the horse in the first place, and getting the helmet on correctly. They mounted up too to go with him, and while they chatted away and tried to explain things to him, he concentrated on what they had told him to do, but did manage to keep up with them and follow their conversation.

They were nearing the end of their visit, with only three days left before they flew out to Pasadena, when Penny's brother and sister came to visit. Her sister, Bridget, lived two hours away with her boyfriend. She must have really altered her lifestyle in the past few years, he thought, because she was nothing like what Penny had told him when they'd first met. Her brother, Scott, was an hour away on the other side of town, close enough to his rehab clinic, but seemed to have improved as well - Wyatt jokingly pointed out that at least the trunk didn't have a smell which gave everything away. Apparently he had just passed his one-year sober anniversary, which definitely impressed Leonard, because he'd always heard… stories that were a lot worse from Penny about him.

Neither Penny, Leonard, nor her parents had spoken about London. Of course, he had explained what he felt necessary to her parents and told Penny what they knew, and agreed to leave the subject matter alone until she felt ready to talk to them about it herself. It was better for her to be in control. So he almost faulted himself for not telling her siblings, even though he knew there hadn't been an opportunity to inform them of what had been going on. But he figured at least they would catch on, or that her parents would have told them. The memo must not have gotten through to Bridget or Scott, because as they all sat in the front room, full from a spectacular dinner, her brother asked "so, what was London like, then?"

Silence echoed through the room for a few seconds. Penny blinked, and the arm Leonard had around her held her tighter to him in an assuring manner. "It was... it was good."

"Is that it?" Bridget asked, confused, before receiving glares from her parents. "What? Am I not allowed to ask or something?"

"No, you can, it's just... it wasn't an easy time, you know? The last couple of months were great though." Penny smiled, before leaning forward and sitting up. "I'm gonna go get some water."

Knowing she shouldn't really feel annoyed, Penny took a few deep breaths as she made her way to the kitchen. She had specifically chosen to not tell people, so she should expect questions and for them not to understand why she wasn't particularly keen on talking about her time in London. They had anticipated this though, and she'd told Leonard that he could tell her family if they asked - just like with her parents. He had been the one to talk to them, to make it easier on her. She preferred it this way. But it still came as a shock when it was mentioned. Slowly, she took a glass and poured herself some cold water, reminding herself that it was okay - her brother and sister weren't asking to make fun of her. They didn't know. And despite how much they enjoyed arguing and teasing each other, they weren't going to pick on her for this. Shakily, she put her glass down for a moment. Leonard would explain to them. He was the one person she felt comfortable talking to about these things, and even then it wasn't always easy. But at least she had him. At least he'd come back into her life. Things could be worse. _Don't think like that, _Penny scolded herself. Still, her mind couldn't help but travel to a place where she was here without him, having to explain things by herself, with no Leonard in her life, only in Nebraska because she needed company… _no, please, stop it. Just stop. _Shutting her eyes and taking a deep breath, she exhaled slowly. _Stop_.

As she gulped down her water, she heard footsteps behind her. A small smile appeared on her face; it was like when she was younger, and her brother and sister would tease her - she would run off crying, and then they'd be sent to apologize to her.

"Penny?" Bridget's voice was quiet.

"Yeah."

"We're sorry. We didn't know." Scott said softly.

Putting her glass down, Penny turned around and shrugged. "Don't worry about it."

"Are you okay?" Bridget asked. "You don't hate us or anything, or feel... upset or offended that we asked?"

"No! No, of course not. It just still comes as a surprise and kind of scares me when I think about it, that's all." Penny assured them.

"Come here, Little Slugger." Scott opened his arms up with a grin.

Shaking her head, Penny walked towards her brother and sister. "You are _never _going to let that go, are you?"

"Never."

"At least you're not Big Slugger!" Bridget laughed.

"True. At least mine sounds kinda cute." Penny stuck her tongue out.

"You're both stupid, Slugger is _not _cute. Now come here, both of you Sluggers, before I change my mind."

Scott wrapped his arms around Penny, and Bridget wrapped her arms around the both of them.

"I feel like I'm five again." Penny giggled, before they let go.

"I know, right!" Bridget laughed. "Oh, and, by the way, your boyfriend? Definitely approve. I thought he was gonna get angry at us for not knowing but he was really nice about it."

"Yeah." Scott nodded. "And you can tell he really loves you. I think even Dad's a little emotional about him being in your life. The first time he doesn't look like he wants to shoot someone one of us is dating."

"Since when do you say nice things like that? And at least Bridge sorted out one of the guys on the shooting front." Penny raised her brows, biting her lip in an attempt not to laugh.

"Saved Dad the job." Scott nodded. "And I'm allowed to be nice sometimes, you know!"

"Will you guys _ever _shut up about that?" Bridget rolled her eyes, but let out a small laugh all the same.

"Nope." Penny and Scott said, shaking their heads in unison.

"Yeah, really don't know why I asked. Always the same answer. Come on, let's go back. I'm sure Leonard's having a whale of a time with Dad."

"They've been bonding quite well you know," Penny shrugged, as they began walking back to the front room. "They got on quite well when he met him back in Pasadena, so they're probably fine."

"Yeah, it's Mom's questions he should always be wary of." Bridget nodded thoughtfully. "When she came up to visit and met Andrew, she asked him - while I wasn't there - how many kids he wanted. Like, _really_, Mom?"

"Oh my God! She did that to Leonard too! The other night he told me and I was like... _why_ can't she just ask _normal _questions. Though it makes me feel better that you got that too."

"Yeah. Well, as long as she's not expecting anything anytime soon..."

"Ugh, definitely."

Scott shook his head and rolled his eyes. "You two."

"Oh, you just _wait _until Mom finds out about Michelle!" Bridget cackled.

"_What_?! Hold on here." Penny held her arms out. "_Michelle_? Oh my God, 'just a friend' my _ass_!"

"See, if this is _your _reaction, and Bridge slapped my arm what she found out, Mom is going to be doubly worse." Scott groaned.

"Yeah. Good. It shouldn't be just us getting that treatment." Bridget prodded his arm lightly.

"And on that note, let's stop getting side tracked and rescue Leonard, 'cause now I'm scared of what Mom will have asked him." Penny said, and began walking again to return to the living room.

Bridget folded her arms. "Fifty bucks says she gets pregnant before me and becomes Mom's favorite child."

"A hundred bucks says you were never Mom's favorite child and take fifty pregnancy tests before that happens... and Dad finds them in the trash. _Again_. For the... thirty-third time - I added on ten as an estimate since we both moved out."

"Yeah, well, a million bucks says you're an _ass_."

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><p>Leonard blinked his eyes open. It was cold. <em>Really <em>cold. He realized he was no longer cuddled up behind Penny, and turned onto the other side, expecting to find her there. Only she wasn't there. Frowning, he lifted his head slightly. He was still cocooned up in the covers, so why did it still feel freezing cold? Shivering, he sat up properly, yawning, before switching on the bedside light.

He found her standing by the window, which was wide open - explaining why he was currently more ice cube than human. She didn't seem to acknowledge that he had awoken or switched on a light, so he moved his legs over the side of the bed and stood, walking quickly over to her, picking up their robes from the foot of the bed as he went.

"Penny?" Leonard gently touched her arm, which he noted was covered in goose bumps. Her skin was like ice. "Penny, you okay?"

"Hmm?" Penny blinked, a little startled as her mind came back to the present, but after a moment she nodded and smiled at him. "Hey."

"Here, put this on. You're absolutely freezing." He held her robe out to her.

"No, it's okay, I'm not that cold." Penny shrugged.

In that instant, he knew something wasn't quite right. Frowning, he continued to hold out her robe. "Penny, please put this on."

Penny looked at him for a moment, her expression blank, before guilt flooded her face. She took the robe. "Okay."

He waited until she had put hers on, before putting on his own, and trying again. "Penny, are you okay?"

"I... yeah, I'm fine."

Closing the window and drawing the curtains shut, he placed his hands in hers and led her over to sit down on the edge of the bed. "Penny," he said, a little more firmly this time.

Looking up at him, her lip quivered slightly. Taking a moment to control herself, Penny took a few steady breaths before speaking. "I couldn't get to sleep. I kept thinking... I kept thinking about London. I was replaying the day we met outside the theater over and over but each time, it was different, like... I didn't recognize you, or we spoke but you just went back to your hotel and I went back to mines, or you were with someone else, or I was too late because you decided to get a taxi and then you were gone-"

"But none of that is what actually happened." Leonard interjected quickly. "I'm here with you now. Things worked out."

"I know, but..." Penny sighed, almost frustrated with her own mind. "My brother and sister, when they mentioned London, I'm usually okay with it but it just came as a bit of a shock and I guess it was kind of like a trigger, because I could kind of not think about it but in the back of my mind I _was _thinking about it and then I had _too _much space to think about it and... yeah."

"It's okay." Leonard moved closer to put his arms around her, and she leaned her head onto his shoulder. He frowned as a thought came over him. "Does this happen a lot?"

"No. Just tonight. I'm sorry."

"Don't be sorry. You just scared me a little. If you can't sleep or that happens again, you know you can tell me, right?" Leonard turned his head to look at her, his face concerned. "Even if you don't tell me _what's _troubling you... I just don't want you to go through that alone. You know how much I worry. Is that okay?"

"Of course. I'm sorry. I just didn't want to wake you up. I wasn't really sure what to do with myself. When I went to the kitchen after they asked I started thinking and I told myself to stop but… apparently that's easier said than done. I don't know what happened."

"That's okay." Drawing small patterns on her arm, he felt her relax slightly into him, and it calmed him to know that the assurance that she could talk to him made her feel slightly better. "Why did you have the window open?"

Fidgeting her fingers together, Penny furrowed her brows. "That was something I did in Pasadena. I'd open the window and just stand there. I liked the fresh air. And the cold was refreshing. I don't feel it anymore; the cold. It just makes me numb. I did it a lot in London too. So I did it here because I knew it would be cold and that helps." Penny bit her lip, shaking her head. "I know, I know, I shouldn't do that. I'm sorry."

"Don't worry. It's okay." All Leonard could think was how glad he was that she had gone for _this _coping mechanism, and that she seemed to be handling this incident considerably well. Naturally, this having been the first time in a long time that something like this had happened, it was a shock to her, and he didn't really blame her. "Are you okay now, though?"

Lifting her head, Penny smiled at Leonard. "Yes, I am. Thank you." She kissed him softly on the lips. "I'm sorry for scaring you like that."

"Don't be. Sometimes these things happen and you just handled it in a way you were familiar with. I'm just glad you're okay."

"I know." Penny nodded. "Let's go back to sleep. Tomorrow we're going to the stables and I want to get you trotting."

"What!"

"It's fine, you'll be on a lunge!" Penny giggled, shoving his shoulder playfully as they moved to get back under the covers.

As he put an arm around her and she rested her head on his chest, Leonard sighed. "Horses are big. I can't believe you're making me do that. You're the only person I'd do this for, you know."

"Good." Penny smiled, closing her eyes. Just that little sentence warmed her up on the inside. "I love you."

"I love you too." Leonard kissed her hair, before closing his eyes too. "Goodnight, Penny."

"Night, sweetie."

This time, Leonard waited for her to fall asleep, listening for her soft snores, before letting himself go to sleep, assured that she felt better now.


	3. I'm Proud of You

**A/N - Not the happiest start to the chapter here I'm afraid. But it's okay, it gets happy, Penny is strong. And Leonard would never let her be sad for too long if he can help it. **

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><p>Blinking his eyes open, Leonard quickly acknowledged that for the second time that night, he had awoken to find Penny missing from the bed. He saw light creeping out from beneath the bathroom door onto the floorboards of the room. As if struck by lightening, his body shot up into a sitting position.<p>

Something was wrong. Something was _very _wrong.

Feeling incredibly awake all of a sudden, his heart racing furiously, he got out of bed, shoving on his glasses, and crossed the room to the bathroom door. He stopped there, hesitating for a moment. What if she was just using the bathroom? He could just be overreacting after the shock of finding her standing by the window, freezing cold, only a few hours ago. But instinct told him that wasn't the case right now. Knocking softly, he waited, listening carefully for a reply. All he could hear was the running of water. And then he heard a soft sob. Urgency increased, he pushed the door open.

"Penny?"

Looking up at him from where she was kneeling on the floor, with her hands under the running tap of the bathtub, her face crumpled. "I didn't mean to do it, I'm sorry! Please don't hate me, please don't hate me, Leonard."

"What happened?"

"I must have done it in my sleep, I had a nightmare, a really bad one, I guess my mind wasn't done overthinking things from earlier, and I just woke up, and I realized I was doing it, and... and in the dream - no, it was a nightmare, dreams aren't like this - in the nightmare, you came to London and it was all the same except you _didn't _come to find me to say you were staying, you said you were going and-and-and then I tried to go after you but I couldn't and I woke up and I realized what I was doing and-"

Dropping down to his knees beside her, Leonard placed a hand on her knee to stop her. He noticed her eyes were red and puffy from crying. "Penny, _what happened_?"

"My hands," Penny choked out, before dropping her head to his shoulder, sobbing.

Leonard's heart sunk, but he didn't let himself freeze. He didn't need her to expand on what she'd just said. She didn't need him to freak out, she needed him to help her. He turned off the taps, stopping the flow of freezing cold water from attacking her hands. Grabbing a small towel from the cabinet behind him, he wrapped it around her hands carefully, patting them dry. Slowly, he removed it, placing her hands on his knees so her palms faced up towards him. He stopped himself from wincing as he inspected the tiny, fingernail shaped fresh cuts in her palms. His heart ached for her. "Are you okay?" Leonard asked softly, taking her hands gently into his, gently caressing her skin with his thumbs in the hopes of warming them without aggravating the raw cuts.

Looking up at him, Penny sniffed. "Are you disappointed in me?"

"No." Leonard replied quickly. "Sometimes these things happen and they're beyond your control."

"But _why_? Why is it beyond my control? I was doing so well." Penny muttered, disheartened. "I can't believe I did that."

"Penny, no, don't do that." Leonard said quietly, though his voice was firm. "You didn't do that to yourself on purpose. Everybody has their coping mechanisms and sometimes, like what just happened, you can't choose them. What matters is that when you realized what was happening, you stopped, and that you haven't consciously done it in a long time."

After a moment of silence, Penny sighed. "It's just such a let down, after I thought I was doing so well. And I'm happy, I promise I'm happy. This is… I don't know. I didn't expect a question like that to bring this all up again. I knew it would upset me but not this much."

"Don't think of it like that. You _are _doing well. It was a difficult evening for you, and the first time you had to deal with somebody asking you about it. We didn't anticipate this, and it came as a huge shock to you. You did what you could but sometimes it's harder than you expect it to be." Leonard smiled at her reassuringly, bringing a hand to her face to wipe away her tears, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear. "I'm proud of you."

"You are?"

"Yes."

Penny looked at him uncertainly, unconvinced. "Even though-"

"I'm proud of you." Leonard repeated.

Another moment of silence passed before she spoke again. "Thank you."

Leaning forward to kiss her forehead, Leonard took her hands again. "Do you want to go back to bed?"

Nodding, Penny allowed Leonard to help her back up to a standing position. They got back into bed, and she cuddled up into his side, head on his chest. One of her arms bent beneath her body, coming up to rest beneath her cheek. The other she placed on his stomach beneath his t-shirt. She wasn't sure if she was doing it to reassure herself or him. As usual, he drew patterns on her arm, and after a while he brought his free hand to rest on top of hers, but over his t-shirt. She smiled.

"It makes me happy that I have you in my life."

Leonard squeezed her slightly in attempt at a hug. "I'm glad. You make me happy too."

There was silence again, before Penny tilted her head up to see him. "Leonard... I'm scared to go back to sleep in case I do something like that again."

It was times like this when Leonard wished he could take on all her pain so she felt none. He looked at her sympathetically for a while, before an idea came to mind. "Would it help if we talked about happier things to distract your thoughts from earlier?"

"Mm. Yeah. I think it would." Penny nodded.

As it turned out, it _did _help. After an hour of positive memories and laughter, Penny fell asleep. Leonard fell asleep almost an hour later, feeling certain that this incident was a one-time thing that wouldn't occur again. It was out of her system. Her mind was at peace with itself now.

* * *

><p>Upon opening his eyes and seeing immediately on the alarm clock that it was already 10am, Leonard turned his head and noticed that Penny was still asleep. <em>Thank God, <em>he thought, breathing a small sigh of relief, _thank God she's getting some sleep now. _Not wanting to wake her, but knowing that they had intended to have breakfast with her family, Leonard carefully shuffled himself out of her hold, standing and watching for a moment to make sure he hadn't woken her.

Pulling on his robe, he grabbed his glasses before padding out of the room and down to the kitchen.

"There he is!" Meryl grinned, looking up from the chopping board in front of her.

"Late night, huh?" Bridget smirked. Leonard realized that without make-up, she looked very similar to Penny, only a little older and with darker eyes.

"Bridget," Wyatt shook his head at his daughter.

"Hey," Leonard smiled meekly from the doorway. "Umm, Penny's still asleep. She had a bit of a... a difficult night, so, I think she could do with a little more rest."

"Oh, no," Meryl frowned, her face full of worry as she walked over to him, "is she okay?"

"Yeah, she's okay now." Leonard nodded. Her siblings and father looked up at him from their places in the kitchen with equally worried expressions. He smiled reassuringly. "I'm gonna go back and stay with her until she wakes up. I just thought you guys should know, in case she's a bit quiet today."

"Of course, thank you." Meryl nodded. "Here, I'll pour some coffee into a flask and you can take your mugs through so you have some for when she wakes up."

"Thanks, that would be good."

He waited as Meryl went about pouring some freshly made coffee into a large flask for them, placing it on a small tray along with a few mugs. The kitchen was silent as she placed a small selection of fruit on the tray too, before handing it to him. "Here you go, sweetheart. I hope she's okay."

"Thank you. I hope so too," Leonard nodded, taking the tray. "I think she will be fine. She's strong. Just a little overwhelmed and upset. But she seemed a lot better when we got to sleep again so, hopefully she'll have gotten enough rest and she'll feel better and gotten it out of her system. To be honest, I thought something might freak her out along the way, eventually - but I didn't expect it to happen here, or now."

"We thought that might happen eventually too." Meryl said sadly. "Are _you _okay, Leonard? It must be difficult for you too."

"It's not easy." Leonard admitted. "But I just want to be there and make things easier for her."

"You're so lucky to have each other. Alright, well let us know if you need anything else."

"Thank you. I will."

He walked carefully back to Penny's room, placing the tray down on his bedside table before locking the door and getting back into bed. She instinctively rolled over so her head was on his chest, an arm over his stomach, the other folded beneath her. He cuddled her in, drawing soothing patterns on her hip. Soon enough, he felt himself lulled back into sleep, her warmth and gentle breathing calming him, reassuring him that all she needed was a little more rest before she could get going with her day. If there was one thing he had learned about Penny, it was that she wasn't one to let things bring her down if she had a method of support. And he was going to be her method of support, because there was no way in hell that he was letting her go through this alone or let it set her back in any way.

* * *

><p>Leonard next awoke to sweet, soft kisses being placed over his shoulder. Smiling, he blinked his eyes open. "Mm."<p>

"Morning, baby." Penny smiled up at him, planting a kiss over his lips, before resting her chin on his shoulder.

"To what do I owe this lovely awakening?"

"Nothing." Penny tapped his nose with her pointer finger playfully. "It's just... I love you. That's all."

"Aww, that's sweet." Leonard smiled, squeezing her arm lightly. "I love you too." He ran his fingers through her slightly tangled hair, brushing it away from her face. "How are you feeling?"

Knowing that he was referring to the events that had happened overnight, Penny shrugged a little. "I'm okay. I do feel a lot better than last night, that feeling of fear and 'what if' has gone now. I think, now, I'm just more upset that it happened."

"That's okay. It was a bit of a shock, and like I said, it's the first time that you've had to think about it or talk about it, it wasn't going to be easy."

"I know." Penny nodded. "Thank you, Leonard. It really does help, having you here to talk to and... just knowing that you're right here, next to me. If this had happened when I was on my own, it would have... it would have been a lot worse."

It pained him to know that this was true, but it also made him feel a lot better that she had told him this, and that he was helping her. "I'm here whenever you need me."

Penny smiled up at him. "Thank you." Using a finger to draw patterns on his t-shirt, she sighed. "Part of me doesn't want to get out of bed. When this happens, you just feel like crap. But it's not as bad as before, when I felt like there was no point getting out of bed, and that it wasn't worth it."

"If you don't want to do anything today, we don't have to. If it's easier for you to just have some time to yourself-"

"No, no, I don't want to do that. I just want to move past the fact that that happened and keep going. I'm not letting that phase me or get in the way of my life anymore. I'm coming out stronger every time. Maybe I'll need your help but sometimes that's what a person needs." Penny raised a brow at him. "And I'm not letting you get away with _not _getting on that horse today. You _will _trot. Off the lunge."

Chuckling, he nodded. "Alright."

"Good." Penny grinned. This faded into a small smile after a moment. "At least the riding gloves can cover my hands."

Bringing her hand up from his chest to his lips, he placed a small kiss on her palms. "It's okay. These will heal."

"Yes. They will." Penny agreed. It hit her in that moment how powerfully reassuring it was to hear him say that. God, what she wouldn't give to have had him tell her that the first time she'd done it to herself. She realized that was something else she had learned over the last few months: you only understood just how strong love was until you suffered without it. Leaning up, she kissed Leonard fully on the mouth, intertwining their hands, before resting her forehead against his. "I really do love you, you know."

Leaving a barely-there kiss on her nose, he smiled. "I know. I really do love you too."

She giggled, before sitting up suddenly, in a meerkat-like fashion, sniffing. "Do I smell coffee?"

"Yeah. Your mom put some in a flask earlier for us. Here." Leonard sat up, and Penny shuffled over slightly so he could lean to the side to get the tray. He placed it between them on the bed, and set about pouring them coffee. "I told them you had a bit of a difficult evening, is that okay?"

"Yeah, that's okay. I'd rather have them know so I'm not bombarded with questions and stuff, after yesterday."

"I thought so." Leonard nodded, handing her one of the mugs of coffee, before taking his own between his hands.

"Ah, coffee." Penny brought the mug up beneath her nose to inhale the scent properly. "Mm." Taking a large gulp, she sighed. "This is so good."

"We have some fruit too." Leonard said, taking an apple from the bowl and biting into it.

"Ooh, breakfast in bed. Sort of." Penny grinned, taking a tangerine in one hand, before setting down her coffee and beginning to peel it. "You know what? Tomorrow, I'll make you a proper breakfast in bed."

"You will?"

"Yeah! It'll be amazing. You'll see. And then, I can be your post-breakfast in bed treat. Also in bed. Maybe with some maple syrup." Penny shimmied her shoulders as she bit her lip.

Leonard grinned. "Sounds good to me."

* * *

><p>"Okay, we're going to take you off the lunge now, baby," Penny grinned, patting Leonard's leg gently as Meryl set about removing the lunge. Having re-checked the girth, she readjusted his leg slightly back into the right position. "Don't be scared, okay? Just do exactly what you've been doing."<p>

"Yeah, yeah... it'll just be... me in control, this time, with no help." Leonard nodded, looking straight ahead, calming himself with the knowledge that he'd managed not to fall off the horse so far.

"It'll be okay. If it feels a bit too bumpy or unstable, just hold the saddle with one hand and the reins in the other like you did the first few times."

"We use her for all the first-time riders, she'll be good with you, it's fine." Meryl assured him, stepping into the middle of the school. "Here we go. Sweetheart, lead him over to A please." She watched as Penny walked a few paces ahead of Leonard, who followed steadily on the horse, to the top corner which had a plastic board reading 'A'. "You probably won't make it all the way round on your first try trotting off the lunge, so just take a few steps walking and then start trotting again. And try not to go off course, though you're pretty good with posture, it's impressive - you should be okay there."

"Really? Thanks. Okay." Leonard nodded, sitting up.

"Just relax, sweetie, and don't overthink it." Penny patted his leg one more time before making her way over to her mother. "Go when you're ready."

Meryl and Penny watched as Leonard took a few seconds to focus himself. That was one of his strengths; no matter how frightened he was, he was dedicated to learning and doing things the way they should be done. On his first attempt, he only managed a few paces. He stopped to gather himself again, and they encouraged him that he was doing great. It took him quite a while, but eventually he managed a complete circuit around the school - by this time, he'd lost count of how many times he'd stopped and started again. Having done a full circuit, he automatically slowed down and stopped in disbelief (he had made sure he could halt efficiently).

"Oh my God, you did it!" Penny grinned, bounding over to him. "I'm proud of you, baby!"

"I can't believe I just did that." Leonard looked slightly stunned. "I thought I was going to fall off the horse about fifty times."

"That was excellent, Leonard," Meryl smiled as she walked over. "Very impressive. Your determination really does work in your favor. I think that's enough hard work for the day."

"Yeah, I think so too." Leonard chuckled.

Penny helped Leonard off of the horse, and Meryl took the reins. "I'll bring her back in, you two go ahead and get washed up. I'm guessing Leonard'll be wanting a nice hot bubble bath after all of that."

"Ooh, a bath does sound good." Leonard nodded.

"Bath it is." Penny giggled, taking his hand. "See you later, Mom."

Leading them over to the tack room, Penny grinned at him. "I'm proud of you, that was really good."

"More like _really _scary." _Worth it to see you so happy, though, _Leonard thought.

"But you made it all the way around! Mom always tries to make sure that by the second lesson you can trot the whole way round the school, and you did it!" She did a little skip of excitement as they went into the tack room and through to the back, so they didn't have to walk all the way round from the outside to get to the main room Meryl would use as an 'office', where Penny also kept her personal riding gear. "Now c'mon, lets get changed out of these boots and all so we can get you your bath."

They pulled off their boots and slipped their feet into the shoes they had walked over in, removing their helmets and setting them down. Leonard had removed his gloves first, but he noticed Penny hesitate for a moment - she had kept them on until last. For a few seconds, he watched her simply stare down at her gloved hands, not wanting to unsettle her, but she made no indication that she was going to take the next step.

"Penny?" Leonard said softly, going over to her, placing his hands beneath hers to hold them lightly. She looked up at him, a slight frown on her face, her eyes begging him. He nodded, understanding, and kissed her forehead. As he gently removed her riding gloves, he could feel her eyes on his face, intent and determined. He knew that she didn't want to have to see her hands; if he hadn't known how upset she was that she'd done this to herself after so long, he'd have been worried that she was struggling with what had happened. This was the only fluctuation in her mood and behavior today since getting out of bed, which reassured him that other than the issue with her hands, she was dealing with the previous night considerably well. Placing her gloves down, he took her hands in his. "Let's go."

"Thank you," she whispered, kissing him gently. Taking a breath, she smiled before turning and leading them out the main door to head back up to her house. "Time to set up a nice bath for your soon-to-be really sore, but still cute, tushy!"

"I think I'm already beginning to feel the soreness," Leonard winced.

"You know," Penny slowed their pace down, turning to face him so she was walking backwards, "It's been a _really _long time since I've done so much riding all at once, so I'm beginning to feel a little sore too." Wiggling her eyebrows, she stuck her tongue out between her teeth, waiting for the little 'aah' of understanding from him before continuing. "What do you say we lock my bedroom door and take this hot bath together, hmm?"

"A hot bath with my hot girlfriend?" Leonard grinned. "Sounds... hot."

"It will be." Penny nodded, biting her lip.

Leonard was glad Penny seemed to know the path back home even when walking backwards, because his mind was too busy being filled with images of the bath they were about to have. Suddenly having a sore tushy was the last thing on his mind.

Squeezing his hands, Penny whispered, "I can massage that cute little tushy of yours better."

Okay, maybe it wasn't the _last _thing on his mind.


	4. Welcome Home

"You know what's going to be fun about coming back to Pasadena? The moment we tell everyone that we're back in the city." Penny said, turning her attention away from the television screen they were all watching, now looking at Leonard instead. She was snuggled cozily into his side, one of her hands linked with his. He had one arm around her, resting on her waist.

"Haven't you told your friends you're coming back?" Meryl asked, glancing over at the couple.

"Well, we were going to, but then we decided... not to." Penny trailed off, shrugging.

"Not even that crazy roommate of yours, Leonard?" Wyatt asked, remembering only too well Sheldon's 'quirks'.

"Considering Leonard's not moving back there, it doesn't really make a difference." Penny pointed out - that had been their argument when they'd made the decision. They would be in Pasadena, but it wouldn't affect Sheldon's current living situation. "We just thought that moving back without telling anyone over there meant that we could have some time to settle back in."

"Makes sense." Bridget nodded, knowing not to question further on their discussions on moving back to Pasadena.

"It would be really funny to see their reactions." Leonard chuckled. "Perhaps we should go to the Comic Book Store on Comic Book Night."

Frowning thoughtfully, Penny nodded after a moment. "Normally I'd say no to the Comic Book Store... but that actually sounds pretty fun. I can just imagine... Sheldon goes to pick up a comic... and _bam_!" She slapped Leonard's leg. "You've got it first, and he looks up and words fail the brilliant Sheldon Cooper because his bestie is back."

"First of all - _ow_. And second of all - my _bestie_?"

"Sorry baby." Penny rubbed his leg where she'd slapped him in her excitement. "Yeah, I would say you are his bestie."

Wincing slightly at the thought, Leonard sighed. "I suppose he is."

"But he's not _your _bestie, because _I _am your bestie... right?" Penny raised her brows pointedly, as if daring him to challenge her statement.

"Bit demanding there." Bridget laughed at her sister. "And what happened to _us _being best friends forever, huh? Forgot about that pinky swear we made when you were six?"

Sticking her tongue out at her sister, Penny shrugged. "You're still my bestie."

"Hey!" Leonard mocked shock. "What about me!" Pouting, he gave her his best puppy dog eyes.

Bouncing her leg, Penny took Leonard's jaw lightly in her hand. "_No_, that's not fair - you know I can't resist that face! Leonard!" Biting her lip, she furrowed her brows when he didn't stop. "Okay, okay, you're my bestie."

Grinning, Leonard fist pumped the air, before throwing an apologetic look at Bridget. "Sorry, not sorry."

"Ah, it's fine, I'm okay with her picking you to be her bestie over me." Bridget said. "However, speaking of couples who are besties..." Gasping, Penny nodded at her sister, and they both smirked in Scott's direction before turning their attention to their parents. "You guys remember Michelle?"

This got Scott's attention away from the television. "Hey!"

"Yes..." Wyatt and Meryl said slowly in unison.

"Well-" Penny began.

"_Don't_-"

"Let's just say she's-" Bridget continued, grinning widely.

"You dare!"

"A _lot _more than _just _a friend of Scott's."

Penny clapped her hands together eagerly as her parents jaws dropped simultaneously. "_What_?"

"I hate you two." Scott glared at his two sisters. "Not you, Leonard, you're cool. It's those two."

"Scotty and Michelle, sitting in a tree, k-i-s-s-i-n-g!" Penny sang gleefully.

"Seriously?" Meryl turned to her son.

"You're _really _going out with Michelle?" Wyatt raised his brows.

"Uh... yeah." Scott cleared his throat nervously.

There was silence for a moment, before Wyatt grinned. "Good, because she seemed like a great girl."

"Oh my God I'm so happy for you!" Meryl jumped out of her seat, bounding over to Scott to lean forward and pull him into a hug.

"Michelle is a Head Chef at this fancy ass restaurant. Which is a _huge _step-up for Scott." Bridget explained with a smirk. "Different kind of cooking we'd link to him. And a totally different type of head we'd usually associate with him."

"Bridget!" Meryl scolded, returning to her seat. "Don't talk about your brother like that!"

"Mom, I came home from work one day and _saw _it happening in the back of his truck." Bridget grimaced at the memory. "I'm scarred for life, I think I'm allowed to make fun of him."

"How do you think I feel after the library incident?"

"Can we _please _not bring that up!"

"Wow, I did _not _need that mental image." Penny squeezed her eyes shut, frowning uncomfortably.

"Yeah, that's a bit too much considering I've only known you for a few days." Leonard frowned.

"It's okay baby, I'll get that image out of your head pretty soon." Penny opened her eyes to wink at Leonard.

Wyatt raised a brow. "Not sure this is the kind of talk I want to be hearing from my kids. Especially now they're grown ups rather than teenagers - that was bad enough."

Scott, Bridget and Penny dropped their heads as though it was almost mechanical. "Sorry Daddy," they chorused.

"Just because you're grown up now doesn't mean we want to hear about any of... that." Wyatt shifted uncomfortably in his seat. Unlike his wife, he was less comfortable with these conversations and was always the one to steer away from them.

Meryl rolled her eyes, shaking her head in amusement. "Let's keep the conversations clean for the sake of Dad, okay? I'm going to wash up and head to bed now, so, behave yourselves."

"I think I'm gonna hit the hay too." Penny yawned. "Lots of packing to do tomorrow."

"Yeah... that's why you're going to bed now." Bridget muttered.

"Shut up." Penny rolled her eyes, hitting her sisters leg with the back of her hand as she stood up. Turning to Leonard, she smiled sweetly. "You coming, baby?"

"He will be." Bridget muttered, even quieter, though her smirk expanded.

"Bridget!" Meryl half-scolded, half-laughed as she stood up.

"As you can tell, this family has very few boundaries." Scott said to Leonard, rolling his eyes. "It's fun when you're not on the receiving end."

"Uh, yeah, I can tell." Leonard wasn't sure if he wanted to laugh or be swallowed up by the couch. He chose instead to stand up next to Penny.

"It's fine, we all mean well." Meryl nodded.

"We just like to piss each other off." Penny grinned, taking his hand. "Night, guys."

* * *

><p>After a last day filled with packing and plenty of family time, an emotional goodbye at the airport, and an uneventful flight, Leonard and Penny found themselves preparing for descent at LAX. Their hands held each others tightly, nervous and excited for what lay ahead.<p>

"I can't believe we're actually going back." Penny stated quietly, turning her head away from the window to look at Leonard.

"I know." Leonard nodded in agreement. "It seems so... surreal."

"After everything that happened..." Penny sighed, before a smile came over her face. "I'm just so happy that we're going back together."

"Me too."

They heard the telltale sounds of the engines begin to whir beneath them, signaling they would be beginning their landing. "Here it is. Our fresh start." Penny squeezed his hand, bring her other one up to cup his cheek. "No more sadness, or hiding our feelings. No more hands, and no more open windows. What happened in London and in Nebraska... it happened, and I'm not going to ignore it because I don't think that's healthy. But I can learn from it, and accept it. Leonard, I am in a _really _great place right now. So, thank you, for bringing us here, to where we are now."

"I'm proud of you. And so, so happy that _you're_ happy." Leonard replied, moving in to kiss her softly.

Their kiss was interrupted by the bump of the plane's wheels hitting the ground, and they giggled as their noses were bumped together briefly, before pulling away. "I hope this is the last flight we do in a _long _time." Penny stated, nodding as she glanced briefly out of the window to look at the airport. "We're home now."

"Yes." Leonard agreed, as she turned back to face him. "Yes, we are."

* * *

><p>Bouncing on the balls of her feet, Penny gave the taxi driver a nod thank you as Leonard refused the change in order to tip him. He came over to join her and they stepped inside their new apartment building, straight toward their luggage and hand baggage, which was by the lift.<p>

"I am _so _tired," Penny said, hiking her handbag over her shoulder, "but also so excited to see our new place!"

"Me too," Leonard grinned, hitting the up button for the elevator, pulling out the instructions his brother had emailed, which he had then printed in Nebraska, to double check the details. "Second floor, apartment 2C. Top lock first, second one is the one that opens the door."

"Sweetie, you've repeated that about fifty times in the taxi from the airport." Penny giggled. Her eyes lit up as there was a small ding and the doors in front of them opened. "Ooh, elevators here!"

Dragging their luggage into the elevator, Leonard made sure they had everything before hitting the '2' on the selection panel and the 'door close' button. "It's really is great having a working elevator."

"And whose fault is it that we _didn't _have a working elevator?" Penny raised her brows at him pointedly.

"I know, I know." Leonard hung his head. He pulled the keys out of his pocket that his brother had had sent to them in Nebraska just before the lift arrived at the floor of their apartment. Stepping out of the lift, he looked from side to side before seeing their door. "Oh, this way."

Following him as they made their way over to the door, Penny couldn't help the grin on her face. "I can't believe we have our own apartment together!"

"Do you want to unlock the door for the first time?" Leonard offered, holding the key out to her.

Penny shook her head. "No, you should do it."

He nodded, before turning back around. One hand on his suitcase, he used the other to unlock the top lock, pausing for a moment before taking the key to open the door and placing it in the lock. Turning it, he pushed the door open, and stepped inside. "Welcome home, Penny."

Stepping into their apartment, Penny squealed excitedly. "Welcome home, Leonard!"

Pulling their suitcases into the apartment, dropping their bags and shutting the door behind them, Penny bound into Leonard's arms, hugging him tightly. For a moment they stayed in their embrace, arms around each other, chins resting on each others shoulders with smiles on their faces. Leonard pulled away, taking Penny's hands in his. "Let's go take a proper look around."

It was exactly like the photographs and videos they had seen, only a thousand times better because they were really there.

Once they had found an apartment they liked online, Leonard had asked his brother Michael to fly out, check the place out and sort things out for them. They had chosen Michael for this as he wasn't too involved personally with Leonard and Penny's lives, was a lawyer so would be able to deal with the contracts and issues of being overseas, and despite the fact that Leonard thought he could be an ass sometimes, was definitely a trustworthy person. He had flown out to Pasadena with his wife, Alison, and together they had made the process a lot easier for Leonard and Penny than they had anticipated. He guessed that having a place in mind and a list of what they wanted, and what they didn't want, helped with him making sure they'd chosen the right place to live.

The living room was spacious, with hardwood floors, and a wide brick archway, which separated the dining area and kitchen, but still keeping it open plan. The kitchen was bigger than the ones either of them had had in their Los Robles apartments, with a fancy cooker and double-door fridge. To Penny's delight, Michael and Ali had left a bottle of champagne with two glasses and a small congratulatory note for them on the island counter, along with a box of chocolates. A hallway led off from the right hand side of the living room, to the left of which was a raised platform area and a large bay window. Along the left hand side of the hallway was a closet and small bathroom, and at the end was the main master bedroom, with it's own en-suite bathroom. Along the right hand side of the hallway were two slightly smaller bedrooms, with a bathroom in between them. They had decided on three bedrooms on the basis that they would some day need the rooms (which they didn't say), but for now could be used as a spare room/Penny's dream closet and guest room/Leonard's office (which is what they told each other and Michael). It had a modern look to it, with neutral colors so that they could decorate how they wanted to. It was unfurnished, save for the bed and mattress they had ordered and had delivered, and Penny had already been excitedly planning all the shopping they would do to make their apartment their home.

They headed back into the kitchen, where they popped open the bottle of champagne, clinked their glasses together, and opened up the box of chocolates.

"I feel so grown up," Penny said, looking around the kitchen once more, before throwing half of the chocolate she'd been eating back into the box and pulling a face. "Oh, disgusting!"

"So grown up." Leonard laughed.

"Shut up." Penny tapped his chest, before selecting another chocolate from the box. This time, she smiled pleasantly, and finished the other half. "Mm. That one was good. It was strawberry flavor."

"Yeah, I had that one the first time. These little hazelnut ones are good too." Leonard held one out to her.

Biting into it as he held it between his fingers, Penny nodded approvingly. "Ooh, yeah, that one's good." Taking another sip of champagne, she raised her brows at him as she placed her glass onto the counter. "So, what do you say we take this celebration into the bedroom and give the bed a proper welcome?"

Despite how long he had known her, Leonard was always slightly taken aback by her forwardness, especially when it came out of the blue like this. "Now?"

"Yup. I don't want to get too tired before we get to the fun stuff."

"The _fun stuff_?" Leonard chuckled, putting his glass down too. "And you say you're a grown up."

Rolling her eyes, Penny grinned at him with her tongue between her teeth before taking his hands. "I am! I'm just excited. Now come on, Hofstadter, we have a bed, champagne, chocolate and some strawberries in the fridge, in an empty apartment, calling our names."

* * *

><p>It had just gone six in the evening, and Leonard and Penny were still in their pajamas, which they had salvaged from their suitcases at two in the morning when they had decided they were too cold and were struggling to get to sleep. Although the flight from Nebraska to California wasn't particularly long or jetlag-inducing, after flying back from London they hadn't really given themselves time to fully adjust to the new time zone, and they seemed to be paying for it now that they knew they had time to rest and recover.<p>

Having spent most of the day in bed, eating takeaway and sorting out what they could on their laptops, they had agreed that the next day they would get up and buy some proper groceries, since all they had was the basics that Michael and Ali had filled their fridge with. From there, they would begin furniture shopping and collecting their things from storage, unpacking and organizing their home - something they were both equally excited by.

"We'll have to let people know, eventually, that we're back - even if it is just because we need to get our other things from our old apartments." Leonard said, putting his laptop on the bedside table so Penny could rest comfortably against his chest.

"Yeah, I know," she nodded, "but I think it would be really nice to settle in here first, you know?"

"That would be nice." Leonard agreed.

"After we surprise them with our visit to the Comic Book Store, we could have them over here for a little house warming party."

"We're still doing that surprise thing?" Leonard chuckled. "Okay. Sounds like a good plan to me. Then we still have some time with just the two of us here. That'll be good."

"Yeah." Penny looked up at him. "Exactly. I want this to be just _us _for a little while." As she leaned up to kiss him, her phone buzzed and she rolled her eyes. Giving him a quick peck on the lips, she leaned over to read the text. "It's my Mom. She wants to Skype and see how we're getting on."

Getting his laptop again, Leonard placed it on Penny's lap as she sat up. "Here you go. I'll go find something to do."

"Umm, no, you're staying here." Penny said firmly, double clicking the Skype icon on his screen. "You don't get to escape these family conversations anymore."

"Alright." Leonard was touched that she wanted him to be part of these conversations, but also partially concerned because they were both in bed in their pajamas and he didn't want to give the wrong impression to her parents. "Maybe I should put a hoodie on, or something... you want a sweater?"

Rolling her eyes, Penny giggled as she hit the video call button for her parents. "Leonard, relax, they've seen us in our pajamas. And in bed, on the first night, when my parents came to say goodnight and check everything was okay."

"Oh. Yeah. True." Leonard nodded.

The call was answered, and her parents faces filled his screen. "Hey, you two." Meryl grinned at them.

"Hi," Leonard smiled.

"Hey Mom. Hey Daddy!" Penny grinned, waving. "You fix the truck yet?"

"Yup, it's working again." Wyatt nodded. "How're things with you two?"

"Really great. We've just been having a lazy day, catching up on sleep and stuff. Haven't really gotten out of bed, but we're going shopping tomorrow and getting things started."

"I can tell you've been in bed all day." Meryl laughed. "That's good to hear. Definitely get some rest, it's been a tiring week for you two. How was the flight?"

"It was fine - exciting to come back." Penny smiled.

"She slept through most of it." Leonard added with a laugh.

"That's our Penny!" Meryl said fondly. "Is the apartment everything you were hoping it would be?"

"It's _perfect_," Penny gushed.

"Just what we wanted," Leonard agreed.

"Well, we're glad to hear that." Wyatt smiled. "We just wanted to check in on you both and see how things were. We'll let you get back to your relaxing, or whatever you're up to. We're going into town so we'll post the things you left here up."

"Thank you, Daddy. I'll call you guys in a few days time to let you know how things are going."

"Yes, please do."

"But don't take things too quickly, make sure you get your rest and really adjust to the time zone, I don't think you managed to do that over here, it was so busy all the time. We were just so happy to see you."

"Don't worry, we're taking things slowly and just easing ourselves back into everything as it goes." Leonard assured her parents. He knew they were probably worried about their daughter, and that the big changes might unsettle her, but he didn't want to bring it up: she seemed to be doing well, and he didn't need it to be brought to the forefront of the conversation. "I'm sure everything will be fine."

"It will be more than fine, it will be _perfect_." Penny grinned.

"I'm glad you're so positive about this all and so happy about it. You deserve it. Both of you." Wyatt said fondly. "Best of luck to you both, and enjoy all the shopping."

"Oh, we will!" Penny giggled.

"Call us soon, okay?"

"We will, Mom."

They said their goodbyes, and Leonard placed his laptop back on the bedside table. Penny resumed her position leaning against his chest, sighing contentedly. "Mm. Just being in bed with you all day is the best. And what makes it even more perfect is remembering that this is _our _apartment."

"You're really enjoying that word, aren't you? Perfect."

Penny looked up at Leonard, smiling, her eyes shining with happiness. "That's because everything feels perfect at last."


	5. Peace of Mind

Glancing up from her brand new laptop to look at Leonard, who was sat opposite her at the new dining table they had put together that afternoon, Penny drummed her fingers lightly for a moment, slightly nervous. "Leonard?"

"Yeah?" He looked up from his screen when she didn't reply instantly like she usually would. "What's up?"

Glancing briefly at her hand, Penny frowned before her eyes returned to his. "I want to see my therapist."

Instantly, he began to worry. After the incident in Nebraska, he hadn't observed anything wrong with her or anything that should bring up cause for concern. But he was fully aware, now, of how good she could be at hiding her feelings. "Why? Is something wrong? Are you okay?"

"Relax, sweetie, I'm fine." Penny assured him, leaning forward to place a hand over his to calm him down. "I'm sorry, that came out… there's nothing wrong. I'm great, I'm happy. Which is why I want to see her. I want to tell her that I'm happy now. She helped me through _so _much, I want to let her know that she was right about you and thank her for everything she did. I want her to see the change in me. I want that file to say that I made it."

"Oh." Leonard released the breath he was holding, relieved. Slowly, a smile formed on his face. "Okay. I think that's a good idea. She'll be proud of you."

"Thank you." Penny smiled. Dropping her head, she chewed on her lip for a moment. She heard him resume typing on his keyboard. "What I did in Nebraska still bothers me a little. Not much, but sometimes I think about it. It's not affecting me but... I want to know why it happened and if it's normal. If it could happen again."

He looked up at her, not saying anything, brows raised ever so slightly. Part of him wanted her to explain more; if it bothered her, he wanted her to tell him why so they could talk about it. But she was taking the step she knew would help her most: talking to her therapist. And he didn't want to make a big deal out of it. She wasn't letting it affect her; getting too worried over it would only make her begin thinking it was worse than it really was. What she needed was for him to be supportive and understanding. It was her step to take and she would tell him if she needed him to take it with her, but right now she was perfectly capable of doing this for herself and by herself. He gave her a small smile, placing his hand over hers and stroking it with his thumb. "Okay."

Lifting her head, she smiled gratefully. "I love you."

"I love you too." Leonard gave her hand a gentle, reassuring squeeze, before returning to his laptop, not wanting to force her to dwell on the situation for too long. Sometimes those three words were all that needed to be said.

Returning her attention to her own laptop, Penny quickly emailed her therapist. The quicker she got this out of the way, the better. It wasn't a pressing issue, and it wasn't affecting her, but she felt she needed that peace of mind that what she had done wasn't something she should be concerned about. She'd come so far, she didn't want anything to set her back - that incident, as a one-off, she could accept. Email sent, she went back to her previous task of sorting out her college transfer information so she could continue studying at the level she'd reached in London, back in Pasadena again.

After a while, Leonard grinned excitedly. "They university want to meet with me tomorrow! They said they'd like to have me back on the team, but have a few things they want to discuss and some advancements in my role and grant proposals they have in mind for me."

"That's amazing!" Penny grinned, eyes lighting up with pride for him. "I'm so proud! When would that be?"

"In the afternoon. I told them that I haven't told people that we're back yet and they said it's fine, it's going to be a private meeting and they can give me the time I need before coming back to work."

"Oh, that's so good of them. See, they want their little genius back. But you're mine, and mine alone, just for a little while longer, okay?"

"Of course." Leonard nodded, grinning.

"Good. Okay, I think that's my college stuff done, now it's just them who need to sort the stuff out." Penny leaned back in her chair; they had purchased chairs to match the wood of the table, with padding so they were comfortable to sit at, the material matching the rug they had beneath the table. "Shall we go watch something on our new fancy ass flat screen television? Cuddling on our super comfortable couch where none of the spots are Sheldon's so we can lie down properly? And I'll make some tea in our pretty new kettle?"

"Can't think of anything better right now."

"Awesome. I'll - ooh, hold on, she emailed back." Penny turned her attention to her laptop once more as she saw an email from her therapist had come through. "She can fit me in tomorrow morning as one of her patients rescheduled to the afternoon... that's perfect! I'll just let her know I can do that."

"I'll make the tea, then." Leonard said as he got up, touching her shoulder gently as he passed by her.

* * *

><p>"Penny! Oh, it's so great to see you again!" Ellen, Penny's therapist, grinned as she stepped out into the small waiting area outside of her office. The woman who stood up to greet her was a totally different Penny to the one she had seen previously: smiling, visibly happy, standing tall and proud, and had clearly put effort into her appearance. It was with pride that she could see she was no longer the Penny who would come in wearing sweatpants and an oversized hoodie, looked worn and upset, and would slouch over to her with the weight of the world on her shoulders.<p>

"Hey, Ellen," Penny grinned, walking over to her.

They hugged, and Ellen instantly noticed that Penny was also better physically - while she hadn't been worryingly thin, she had definitely lost weight, which she had now put back on to a healthy size. "Come on in," Ellen gestured to her office. They stepped inside, and Penny took a seat in her usual armchair. "You want a cup of tea or coffee?"

"Just a water will be fine thanks." Penny sat back in the armchair. It had been a long time since she'd been here. What a relief it was to sit here and not feel the urge to burst into tears, or anxiously pull her sleeves over her hands.

"You seem to be doing _incredibly_ well." Ellen commented, handing Penny her glass of water before sitting down on her couch and picking up her notepad. She had a strong feeling that Leonard was going to be part of this story. "You want to catch me up?"

"Yes." Penny nodded eagerly, taking a sip of water before setting the glass on the table. "I guess I'll start where we left off. As you know, I got that acting job in London. It was really tough at first and for a _long _time, the only reason I got out of bed was for work. But eventually I let myself… kind of enjoy things again. Like, getting out of my apartment and exploring the city. I think the fact that I had an acting job, like I always wanted, helped me a little. I wasn't better, but... I learned to cope. Yeah, I was coping. Not happily, not easily, but… I was doing what I could. I did my Psychology class there and that helped to keep me focused."

"That's good." Ellen looked up from her notepad, where she'd been taking notes. "I was worried, you know, that moving to London would really shake you up in a bad way."

"It did. I was all alone and I hated myself for doing a stupid thing, but I'd never wanted an acting job so badly. Or maybe it was everything over here in Pasadena that I wanted to escape so badly. Eventually I found that fight in me to restore some normality in my life. I went there to get away from everything that had happened here, I had to allow myself to at least try. I guess having worked so hard for that job reminded me why I was doing this all."

"Good, good."

"I managed to get things on track. My cast mates were really nice and I love acting so I was enjoying work. Studying was something I realized I enjoyed in Pasadena, so it made sense to continue doing it here, and it helped. I preferred to be alone, and I never wanted a relationship, I didn't go out drinking or socializing, and maybe that wasn't all healthy, but for me it worked. I even stopped cutting into my hands. This was all... a year and a half, a little more than that."

"I'm glad that you stopped that. See, you're stronger than you always thought you were. That's a very brave move you made, moving to London, and having your job to motivate you was probably what you needed to begin healing."

Penny nodded. "Probably. Anyway, here's the good bit of the story."

"Continue."

"One evening, I was leaving work, through the Stage Door as usual. And he was there. Leonard was there."

"Leonard came to London?"

"No. Well, yeah, he was in London. I was so... I didn't even think about it, I just started walking towards him. I did the thing with my hands a little because I was so nervous. And I said his name and he said my name and it felt amazing. He was there for work and he'd passed by the theater, seen my name and a picture of me, and saw the show that evening after dinner with his boss. He was just trying to figure out which way to go then. I invited him back to my place."

"You invited him over to your apartment?"

"Yeah. And I know, it sounds crazy, and it was a _huge _step, but... I was so, _so _happy to see him, for him to be right there in my life again. He found me, not intentionally, but he found me." Penny smiled. "We had the best time together. Being around him was like... I could be myself again. We slept together that first night, he stayed over, and I told him I loved him and he said it back... I hadn't felt so comfortable, honest or happy in a _long _time. It took me five years to tell him I loved him, and this time we moved quickly, and it was… it didn't scare me. It felt right. I wanted him to know."

"See, and you were worried that if you ever saw him again things wouldn't go well."

"I know. But I worry about these things."

"Yes. So how did things go after that?"

"Amazing. We were together the whole time. I can't explain how... how it felt to finally, _finally _be able to feel happy and have company that didn't make me want to close off, and not limit myself. I told him the next day, when we went to his hotel, about what happened. You were right. It was so much easier to tell Leonard."

"I told you it would be. And if you told him that soon, you must really trust him."

"I do. I really do." Penny nodded earnestly.

"So, you met, went to yours, and went to his hotel the next day - what happened after that? You say you were together the whole time. What do you mean by that?"

"Leonard had a few weeks left in London - they were there in between their trips out to sea. That whole time we were together. Except for... you know when you're so... I was so happy to see him again and be with him that I forgot why he was there in the first place. It just left my mind completely that eventually he was meant to go back out to sea. So when he told me, it... I ran. I got out of there as soon as I could. And for a few days I went back to the old Penny. I would go to work, and then lie on my couch. I couldn't sleep in my bed because it reminded me of him. I'd eat a little, and watch television, but that was the extent of it. I was upset, and terrified, and I could feel myself going back down that horrible spiral and I couldn't stop. I cut my hands. I cut my hands a lot."

"Oh, Penny..."

"But he came back. Leonard came back to me. He gave me time to think and he came back. He told me he was going to stay. And, God, hearing him say that, it was... it was like I was dreaming. But he was serious." Penny paused to take a sip of water. "He saw my hands. I could see how much it scared him that I would do that to myself. I told him why I did it. He didn't let that scare him away. He still loved me even though I did that to myself. A few weeks later, the cuts were gone, and I gave him the whole story about my hands."

"That is incredibly brave of you."

"I could tell him because I was happy, and I felt that he deserved to know that part of the story so he understood - and should he need to, he could help me." Penny took a breath before continuing with a smile on her face. "Things got better and better after that. A clean slate. I got the fresh perspective I had been searching for. We decided that once my contract was over, we would return to Pasadena - first, we visited my parents in Nebraska. All of that time meant we were able to find a place to live, and for Leonard's brother, Michael, to sort things out - he's a lawyer. So, we live here now, in Pasadena. We have our own apartment together and it's amazing. We're just starting to furnish it and make it into our home. Life is perfect right now."

"Aw, I am so glad to hear that, Penny. You deserve that, after the tough journey you went on, you deserve every bit of that happiness - and so does Leonard."

"Yes. He does. He definitely does." Penny agreed. "I just have this one problem."

"Go on."

"In Nebraska, my brother and sister visited. Leonard told my parents about what happened, and Scott and Bridget didn't really know much apart from I moved to London. One night they asked me how it was and..." Penny sighed. "It really freaked me out. I started thinking about what it would have been like without Leonard, but I told myself to stop and it was fine. Then I tried getting to sleep and I couldn't, I kept imagining all these scenarios where Leonard wasn't there. I opened the window to make it cold. That really worried Leonard. But he was amazing, he told me that if something was bothering me to just let him know, even if I didn't want to talk about it. I went back to sleep thinking everything was okay but the next thing I knew, I was waking up from a nightmare in which Leonard... Leonard didn't stay and. I couldn't get him back... Ellen, I woke up and my hands were in fists and my nails were digging so hard into my palms. As soon as I realized, I ran to the bathroom to run them under cold water. I wanted to wake myself up and make the pain go away, I never realized that it hurt so much to do that. I felt horrible. Leonard woke up again and he found me, he reassured me that it was okay, and we spoke about happy things and after that I was okay, just upset that it had happened." She paused briefly to think and draw herself back. "Is that normal? Why did it happen? It's not a massive issue because it hasn't happened again and I haven't been upset like that apart from that one time, but... I just want to know."

Ellen waited for Penny to take a few sips of water began she began talking. "I'm sorry to hear that that happened. But it can happen, yes. It was something you did a lot when you were hurting, so unconsciously, when you were hurting in your dream, you instinctively went for your coping mechanism. From what you've told me, you are in a wonderful place with your life right now, and that was the first time you had had to think about something like that. The shock got to you. But now that it has happened, if you ever feel like that again, you can prevent it from progressing."

"How?"

"You said it yourself: telling Leonard about it, and thinking positive. Don't let yourself dwell on what upsets you."

"Do you think it will happen again?"

"No. You know now what you triggers are, and you know how to overcome them. And should you be having a particularly difficult time, you know you have somebody by your side to help you. And if you do find yourself needing that extra bit of help, you know where to find me."

Nodding slowly, Penny began to smile. "I do. Thank you."

"Does that help?"

"It does. I just needed to give myself that peace of mind."

"Good. You're doing so, _so _well, Penny, and have come a very long way since we first met. I'm proud of you."

"Thank you. I feel like I have too."

"That's even better. Did you want to talk through what you told me, or are you okay with where it is?"

"I don't know. To be honest I just wanted to tell you how happy I am." Penny shrugged. "Why? Did you have things you wanted to ask me?"

"Just out of interest, so I can keep the file detailed. You don't have to answer them and they have no effect on where you are now - just some points of interests I flag up as a therapist, to conclude things."

"Oh. Okay, sure." Penny shrugged again, this time lightly; relaxed now that she knew it wasn't out of worrying concern that she had questions.

"You said you didn't socialize much when you were in London. Did you have friends out there? Did you keep in touch with your friends here?"

"I didn't keep in touch with anybody here, I wanted distance. And I had friends in London, but I preferred to spend most of my time by myself. Not in a way that made me lonely, just... social situations kind of pressured me a little, and I wasn't used to that, so I kept to myself."

"Okay, that's fine. It's good you didn't force yourself into that if you didn't feel like you could. And you say you didn't want a relationship, and you slept with Leonard the first night you were reunited. Did anything happen in between that? You told me, two years ago, that you had no sex drive at all, after Leonard left for his second trip. Did that ever change?"

Blushing slightly, Penny bit her lip. "Umm, I didn't sleep with anyone. But after a while in London, I did get it back. In my little photo collage I had a picture of me and Leonard and one night, things just... yeah." Penny smiled awkwardly.

"And things are okay now?"

"Oh yes." Penny smirked.

Ellen chuckled. "Eager reply there, guess I have no reason not to believe you."

"Nope." Okay, she was kind of proud. "It's all good."

"Glad to hear it. Now, you told me all of that very easily - almost without faltering."

"I did."

"Is there a particular reason? Was it this easy with Leonard?"

"It was harder with Leonard because we have an emotional connection and I was afraid that what I told him would hurt him. But at the same time, it was easy, because I knew he would understand and he would listen to me. With you... I know you've seen me at my worst, so now, I can tell you these things, because I'm past them. Right here, those things have happened and they no longer affect me, apart from what I learned from them. I feel like I've come a long way from them and it helps that I can see the difference in myself, and that _you _can see it too. I don't feel this fear of admitting how bad things were to you because you already know and you know that that's not me anymore."

Ellen smiled. "I'm so proud of how far you have come. I hope you are too. I know you had a difficult time at the beginning, and a lot of the time you felt stuck, but you made it and, as your therapist, I am _very _impressed and so happy for you."

"Thank you. I am proud of myself."

"And I'll bet Leonard is proud of you too. More than anybody."

"He is. He tells me from time to time, and it reminds me why I always kept going. When he tells me he loves me, or that he's proud of me, it reminds me of why I bothered, in those two years, with fighting to keep going, of why I let myself open up to you, of why I worked so hard to get myself out of that place to the person I was when I met him again. Everything from there… where I am _now, _that's his doing, and… I am always going to be thankful for that."


	6. Comic Book Store

Exhaling slowly, Penny finally rolled over to sit up and recover the comforter from the floor. She brought it up to cover her and Leonard's naked bodies, before snuggling into his side. Smiling, she let out a contented "hmm" when he began to softly trace her hip. "That was nice," she said, bringing a hand up to his chest.

"Nice?" Leonard chuckled. "I don't think you can use that for what we just did."

Smirking, Penny nodded in agreement. "Yeah, you really can't." She giggled. "But it feels nice _now_."

"It does. I think we'll definitely be getting a good nights sleep."

"Mm. Definitely." Penny agreed, nuzzling her head between his chin and shoulder. "We've got a big day tomorrow."

"We do, yeah," he said, "it's going to be weird seeing everyone again."

"I sort of liked it being just the two of us," Penny admitted quietly, drawing patterns on his chest. "All my life I thought it mattered how many friends I had and how popular I was. But I realized... all that matters is that I had the _right _friends. For two years, even though Amy, Bernadette and the guys are all amazing, you were the only one who really mattered to me when it came to who I'd do anything for to have back in my life, and who I wholly missed. You were the person that kept me going and fighting to get better, even without being there. It mattered to me that a part of you was still with me." She sighed, lightly scratching at his skin with one finger. "It'll be really nice to see them again but... I guess I've gotten used to it being either just me on my own, or just the two of us together."

"Aww." Leonard squeezed her closer to him, kissing her hair. "You'd get bored just being around me all the time, though. It'll be nice for you to see the girls again." He said, not wanting to point out that really, she needed friends around her when her life was changing so much, in case it sounded too blunt and too harsh to her ears.

"Guess so. I _am _looking forward to it. I'll probably feel more excited about it tomorrow when I see them." Penny frowned. "I hope they don't hate me for just leaving and not talking to them."

"They won't hate you. You did what you had to do." Leonard assured her.

Thinking for a moment, Penny's hand dropped from his chest to drape across his stomach. "Can I be honest with you, Leonard? About this?"

"Of course you can."

"I'm worried they're going to ask me too many questions. I don't want to freak out again, but... they'll want to know, they'll be curious. They're going to want an explanation and a story and-"

"It's okay, honey," Leonard said quickly, holding her closer to him and placing a reassuring kiss in her hairline, "they know what happened, they'll be excited to see you and they'll know to be careful about what they ask. And if it _is _too much, just remember, I'm right there. I'll even punch Sheldon in the face if he's too insensitive."

Giggling, Penny looked up at him. "As if you would _actually _punch him in the face." She was always grateful for his ability to take her mind off the things that caused her worry.

"I would if he was horrible to you about this." Leonard told her. "It'll be okay. Still going with this... surprise turning up at the Comic Book Store idea?"

Nodding, Penny placed her head back on his chest. "Yup." She grinned to herself as a memory filled her mind, closing her eyes. "On my second date with Stuart, we were making out and I said your name."

"I know."

Her grin faded quickly. "_What_?"

"Stuart told me."

Her brows furrowed for a moment in annoyance, before she shrugged and relaxed again. "Of course he did. Oh well. I thought that would be a fun thing to tell you since we were talking about the Comic Book Store."

"It was fun. It was even better hearing you admit that, than Stuart telling me. Though I have to say, I did feel _pretty _smug when he told me."

"Uh-huh, I'll bet you did. I was so embarrassed that I had done that for _so _long. But now it's just funny. Poor guy. Worked out for you though, so, you know." Penny giggled softly, before yawning.

"Are you sleepy, per chance?" Leonard chuckled, turning his head to the side slightly to nuzzle his face in her hair and close his eyes too.

"Mm. A little bit. Very."

"Me too. You've worn me out."

"Ditto. But at the same time you've given me something good to dream about." Penny smiled to herself. "Love you."

"Love you too."

* * *

><p>Stuart had been more than surprised to see Leonard walking into the Comic Book Store with Penny. After greeting each other, and giving him a short explanation, they told him they planned to surprise their friends. Just as they had suspected, the day on which they visited hadn't changed. Although their initial plan had been to hide behind comic books or stand turned away from the door, they had changed their minds. Penny had pointed out that Amy and Bernadette would be unlikely to come in with the guys, and she wanted them all to be there. She knew the girls would drop the boys off because on that day, she would usually have met them for coffee in the evenings while the boys were at the store. With that in mind, figuring the extra car in the parking lot outside would clue them in a little, they stood by the window of the store where they knew Amy and Bernadette would park, looking at an action figure in casual pretense.<p>

It was the strangest mix of heightened nerves and excitement that the two of them had ever felt. As first Amy's, then Bernadette's, and then another they didn't recognize but assumed was Raj's, cars arrived and parked in front of the store, the expressions of shock when they looked up into the window of the Comic Book Store was like a canonical pattern of shock.

Amy and Bernadette didn't wait, pushing their car doors open and running outside and into the store, practically pouncing on Penny and hugging her tight. Sheldon, Howard and Raj simply stared in disbelief for a moment, before grinning (a sight Leonard rarely saw on his ex-roommates face) and getting out of their cars, hurriedly walking toward the Comic Book Store. They rushed over past the girls to Leonard, pulling him into a hug too.

It was the first time Sheldon Lee Cooper had ever hugged Leonard.

Penny looked over and clapped her hands to her mouth, tears in her eyes. "Oh my God, he's hugging you!"

"Aww, Sheldon!" Amy cooed proudly, letting go of Penny and Bernadette to see the wondrous sight before their eyes. Although Howard and Raj were hugging him too, Sheldon had gotten their first.

"Yes, I am hugging Leonard. It is a social convention to greet somebody whom you have not seen in a long time, and noticed the absence of in your life, with a hug." Sheldon explained, as they all let go of Leonard to give him some air. Leonard looked stunned, as though he wasn't quite sure what had just happened. Sheldon walked over to Penny, shifting his weight awkwardly before saying "it's good to have you back, Penny," and pulling her into a hug too.

"He's hugging me!" Penny squealed, flapping her hands in excitement.

Pulling back, Sheldon cleared his throat. "I think that's enough of that."

Bernadette grinned, before turning to Leonard. "It's nice to have you back, Leonard." She and Amy went over to hug and greet him properly, while Raj and Howard went to hug Penny in greeting.

It was a surreal moment. Never had Penny expected Howard to hug her without some inappropriate sexual comment, or Raj to be able to greet her so freely without being drunk. She'd also never expected for Sheldon to hug Leonard - _and _her. All in one day.

The door opened, and a brunette with a slightly timid and nervous expression on her face walked in.

"Oh!" Raj rushed over to her, grinning. "Leonard, Penny, this is my girlfriend. Her name is Yvette. Yvette, these are my friends I told you about, Leonard and Penny."

"Hey. It's nice to meet you both." Yvette held out a hand, which they shook in turn.

"Yvette is a _vet_," Sheldon whispered to Leonard out of the corner of his mouth. "It _rhymes_. Isn't that great?"

Unfortunately for Stuart, the Comic Book Store was forgotten as Raj suggested they go out for dinner - food was on him, as a welcome back present. Everybody wanted to share a car so they could get to catching up, but realized that with four cars and eight people it would be difficult and unfair, so they travelled in couples. Penny was simply grateful that they weren't eating at the Cheesecake Factory. Once arrived, they were seated promptly and given menus. They boys all sat to Leonard's left, who was sat next to Penny, who had the girls sitting to her right, the square of chairs around the table concluding with Raj and Yvette opposite the newly returned couple.

They insisted that the rest of the gang catch them up first. Raj explained how he had met Yvette after Howard and Bernadette had struggled with taking care of Cinnamon for the second time - this time they had accidentally let her eat chocolate. Yvette told them she had sung to Cinnamon that time and joked that that was what had healed her. Bernadette told them about the new drug she was working on, which had initially caused some trouble when she'd dropped a dozen vials of raccoon virus. Amy informed them that she had been asked back to Caltech for another project, which Sheldon was incredibly pleased about. Sheldon spoke about his recent paper and how he had now seen all of Babylon 5, insisting that it was only because he needed something to watch during the hiatus of another show. Howard said that he'd been invited back up to Space, but had failed the physical tests.

Eventually, just after their food arrived, the talk turned to Leonard and Penny, and Amy asked, "So, how are you two doing?"

They both knew that none of the gang had known they were back together. They didn't know that they had found each other in London, that since then they'd practically been living together, that they had been to Nebraska, bought their own place in Pasadena, that they had been here for a few weeks already. And yet it felt strange that their friends, the people who had once known everything about their lives, suddenly knew very little.

Leonard turned to Penny, smiled at her and squeezed her hand encouragingly. Penny smiled back at him, before turning back to look at her friends. "We're doing great." Pausing, she looked helplessly around her friends, and then back at Leonard. She wanted to say more, but the words wouldn't come.

"We found each other in London and have been together since then. We bought an apartment here in Pasadena," Leonard continued for her, caressing her skin with his thumb, "and Penny starts filming for a national commercial in two weeks time. I go back to Caltech in a month."

"A national commercial? That's amazing!" Bernadette grinned.

"Well done, bestie." Amy patted Penny's free hand.

"A toast to Penny on her commercial! And for Leonard returning to Caltech!" Raj announced, lifting up his glass.

"Aww, thanks guys." Penny smiled thankfully, as they raised their glasses and clinked in the middle.

"Raj tells me you went to London," Yvette said, not being as filled in on the situation as the rest of the group were on the previous events, "how was it? I've always wanted to go there."

"Umm..." Penny bit her lip. Panicked, she looked at Leonard. He gave her a small smile, leaned in and whispered 'I'm proud of you' in her ear. She squeezed his hand and nodded, taking a moment before turning back to the group. She could feel her friends watching her. She didn't blame Yvette for asking. She just wished they would stop staring. But Penny was determined to do this. Maybe it didn't seem like a big deal to them, but for her, it was a huge step. "I... fine. London was fine." _Focus on the happy things, _she told herself, _you can tell them how you and Leonard reunited. That made you happy, and your friends should know this story. _"I, uh, I was working there. I was doing a play."

"Wow, that's exciting!"

"Yeah. I... one evening I was leaving, and that's when I saw Leonard. He was outside the theater trying to find his way; he'd come to see me in the show after seeing my name outside, on his way to dinner with his boss. I invited him back to my place. Since that night we've been together practically the whole time." Penny felt Leonard squeeze her hand reassuringly, as if to tell her she was doing well. "We... the Science Museum was fun. And the shops are great. But to be honest what will always stand out for me of the place is the moment I saw Leonard again."

Sensing that there was probably a reason Penny wasn't so enthusiastic to tell her about London, and why her friends were being so quiet and listening so intently, Yvette smiled politely and nodded. "That sounds nice."

"It was."

"We're glad you two found each other again." Howard said, with an understanding smile.

"And that you're so much happier now." Amy added, once more patting Penny's hand.

"Well, I'm glad about that too." Penny giggled nervously. Her friends had, of course, witnessed her decline and tried their best to help her - and even if she _couldn't _bring herself to tell them her story, and even though they hadn't been able to help her as much as they had wanted, she was always going to be incredibly grateful for them having been there for her, and for being here now.

* * *

><p>The girls had arranged to meet for coffee in a few days time while the boys would play video games over at 4A. Sheldon informed Leonard that he could come and go as he needed to collect his stuff, and that he hadn't moved any of his stuff - and if he had, it was accidental while he was cleaning. Penny and Leonard promised they'd arrange a housewarming party as soon as they had finished moving all their stuff into their new apartment and adding the finishing touches to decorating it with new furniture and accessories.<p>

"That wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be," Penny mused, dropping her handbag on the chair beside the front door before pulling off her jacket.

"No, it wasn't. Even when Yvette asked about London, you did really well." Leonard took her jacket to hang up beside his. "And it was nice to see everybody again."

"It really was." Penny agreed. "You were right... it's nice having them back in my life. And I can't believe Sheldon hugged you!"

"Me neither! In all the years I've known him..." Leonard shook his head, still in disbelief.

"I hugged you the first day that we met." Penny said, coming over to him and wrapping her arms around his waist. "We were saying goodbye at the door, and Sheldon had gone to his room because it was officially past his bed time. And then you said bye again, so I hugged you."

"You remember that? Even _I _had forgotten about that."

"Of course I do." Penny stated, as though it were obvious. "It's you."

* * *

><p>Opening his eyes slowly, Leonard instantly smiled as he felt Penny in front of him, still snuggled comfortably with her back against his chest and his hand in hers over her stomach like when they had fallen asleep.<p>

Since it was the first time seeing all their friends again, and the first time anybody had asked her about London since her sister, he had been worried that they might once more hit a bump in her moving forward. He hadn't been _expecting _it to happen, but he had been worried that it _might _happen - not that he had told her. But waking up, to find her still in his arms, sound asleep and snoring softly, he felt all of that worry go away. He hadn't even realize he could physically _feel _the worry, until it left him in that moment.

He gently kissed her bare shoulder, before nesting his head back in the pillows and closing his eyes again. "I'm so proud of you," he whispered into her hair. "I love you."

* * *

><p>Next time Leonard blinked his eyes open, he was met with Penny's grinning face. For a moment, he simply smiled, taking in her natural morning beauty. The messy hair, the make-up free face, the glint of excitement in her eye for another day of building their life together. "Morning, beautiful," he said after a while.<p>

"Morning, baby." Penny kissed him lightly on the lips.

"You seem very happy this morning."

"I am. We're buying a desk for your office today! _And _we're getting my couch delivered from my old apartment, and packing up our things there to take here." Penny reminded him eagerly. "And I was thinking about how... to most people, this wouldn't really be exciting, all this moving and packing and transferring. I used to be so scared of the idea of living together, remember? But when I asked you in London, I just knew it was right, and that fear never came back. It's exciting."

"How could I _not _remember?" Leonard chuckled. "It is exciting. I'm guessing you want to get going fairly soon?"

"Yup! I even planned out what I'm wearing today while I was waiting for you to wake up. It's so much fun visualizing the closet room and knowing it's real."

"You know what's weird? When you're not all grumpy in the mornings before you've had your coffee."

"Yeah, that'll probably come back in a few weeks when we're both working and actually have to get up early rather than just lazing around and waking up at our own leisure." Penny shrugged, scrunching her face. "You really miss that?"

"No, it's nice having you all happy and awake in the mornings. But it'll be fun having grumpy morning Penny back, because that makes me laugh. Except for when you hit me because you want coffee and I don't want to get up."

"Well _someone _has to make the coffee." Penny said, sitting up. "But it's okay, I'll go make it now. Ooh, and some breakfast! Okay, you stay here, I'll whip something up for us, sweetie."

"Naked?" Leonard laughed, as she stood up from the bed to reveal her nude form. "Probably not the best when you're cooking."

Grinning, Penny turned around to face him and put her hands on her hips. "You like?"

"Very much." Leonard nodded slowly.

"Too bad," Penny shrugged, walking over to the back of the door to get her robe and pull it on. "This body is needed in the kitchen. So... don't have too much fun without me. Here." She passed him the remote control for the television atop the dresser before tying her robe and heading back to the door, swaying her hips. "You catch up on your documentary, sweetie, unless you've had a change of heart and feel like listening to me sing along to my iPod."

"Documentary it is."


	7. Really Awesome News

"You know when you have _really _amazing sex, and the next morning you wake up and you're still on this high and you just _know _you're going to have the best day? Like, you're just dancing around in the morning before you've even had coffee, having a shower feels like dancing in a waterfall, and everything is just a hundred times better?"

Bernadette and Amy peered curiously over their coffee cups at Penny, uttering in unison a confused and wary "yeah?"

"Well, that's what it's like, every day. That's how I feel every single day."

"Boy, that's a lot of sex. And I thought Howie had high expectations..." Bernadette exhaled, shaking her head.

"No, no! That's not the point, I'm not saying we have sex every single night, I'm saying that feeling you have afterwards, that's how I feel like, all the time." Penny clarified with a giggle. "It's the only way I could think of to answer your question."

"I asked how you were." Amy said. "I wasn't banking on _that _explanation. A simple 'great' would have sufficed."

"Oh. Sorry. I guess I'm just... I like being able to say I'm happy, you know?" Penny grinned. Bringing her cup up to her mouth, she had placed it back on the table, wide-eyed, almost as soon as it had touched her lips. "Hold on, let us just backtrack a little here. Amy, you know what it's like to feel awesome after sex? _You had sex_?"

"Oh, that she did, _that _she did." Bernadette nodded, raising her brows before shuddering slightly.

"With Sheldon, right?"

"Of course with Sheldon!" Amy said quickly, blushing.

"Umm... _what_?" Penny's hand slapped onto Amy's arm, gripping it tightly. Amy suddenly felt very sorry for Leonard. "Oh my God, Amy Farrah Fowler, how have you not told me about this yet? You little vixen, you! This is so exciting! I want to know _everything_! Okay, no, wait, not everything. Just like... that parts that won't make me want to flush myself down the toilet."

"I'm not... okay, you remember... you remember that time we all played Dungeons and Dragons?" Amy began. While shy, she was excited to be able to finally tell her bestie about this.

"Instead of going to Vegas? Yeah, I remember that." Penny nodded impatiently, bouncing her legs up and down in anticipation.

"Well, we were all playing it again. We had Stuart round, and Yvette was there too... okay, no, that's not relevant, I'll move forward."

"What _is _relevant is that me and Howie were still there after everyone else clearing up the game." Bernadette added with a frown. "Boy I wish I hadn't suggested we stay to help clean up after Sheldon and Amy disappeared off to his room."

"Oh, come on, as if we haven't encountered worse when arriving at your place!" Amy pointed out to Bernadette, before turning back to Penny. "Anyway. Yes, Sheldon and I went to his room again to put away his special dice. As a sort of joke, I brought up that time when we played... we played our own version of the game. So we did that again. And, I guess, that time, things went well. _Really _well. Though there was no nibbling, sadly."

"_Eww. _Could have done without that last part, Ames." Penny pulled a face before shaking her head. "So, you actually did it? Like... _coitus_? With Sheldon Cooper?"

"Yes."

"Oh my God I'm so happy for you!" Penny squealed, jumping up all of a sudden to move round the table and wrap Amy in a hug. "When did this happen? Was it more than once? Did you like it? Did _he _like it? Where are you guys even _at _now?"

Waiting until Penny had sat back down and wasn't squishing her to death, Amy bit her lip. "Umm, it was a few months ago but we've done it again once since then. We want to take this development slowly. So we're still in the same place we were before, only we've seen each other naked. Which is so much better than just seeing his underwear." Amy's eyes glinted at the last part.

"Okay, no, maybe I don't want to know loads about this." Penny frowned, shuddering slightly with Bernadette. "But, I'm really happy for you, Ames."

"Thanks, bestie." Amy positively glowed. "But, going back to the original topic, I'm going to conclude that your answer to my question of how you are as... good."

"Not just good. Great. Amazing. Perfect." Penny grinned a grin so wide that Bernadette and Amy recognized as one as far from the look on her face before she'd left for London as could possibly be.

"We're so happy to hear that." Bernadette smiled.

"Yes, it's wonderful to see you like this." Amy nodded sincerely.

"Aw, thank you." Penny smiled back, not letting the conversation get too serious by continuing. "We're throwing a little house warming party next weekend and we'd love for you guys to come and see the place."

"Ooh, that sounds like fun!" Amy said eagerly.

"It really does. I can't wait to see you guys new apartment." Bernadette agreed.

"What's it like living together?" Amy asked.

"It's the best. Not only is it warm enough to walk around naked in Pasadena, but because our room is right at the end of the apartment, we never have to be quiet. And I get to see Leonard every single night and morning. It's so much better than living alone." Penny said thoughtfully, her grin fading slightly, before she shook her head away from those thoughts. "Yeah, it's the best. I have a whole room for my closet, and Leonard has his own office, and the kitchen is amazing, and we have this awesome coffee maker, and we get the entire couch to ourselves... I love it."

"A whole room for your closet? Wow, that's impressive." Bernadette nodded approvingly. "I have... a closet that I share with Howie. And he has more pairs of pants than I do."

"Yeah, well, we had two spare rooms so we agreed one would be my dream closet and the other would be Leonard's office, and both of them can double up as guest rooms."

Amy looked over at Bernadette who had the same thoughtful expression about the mention of the two extra bedrooms, but they both knew not to bring this up. Even though things seemed to be going well for Penny, they were still worried overly serious of forward discussions could be sensitive to her. "That sounds nice."

"Yeah, it is. So if you need to crash after the housewarming party, you're very much welcome to. We have one of those fold-out couches in the closet, though it's more like Leonard's place to sit while I ask him for his opinion on fifty outfit choices." Penny laughed to herself. "Anyway, I have to go, I'm meeting with the college administrators to finalize my transfer."

"Aw, it's so exciting that you're going to be doing a _degree_!" Bernadette grinned.

"Yeah, it is." Penny nodded as she stood and put on her jacket. "I mean, obviously, it's not like you guys and your PhD's, but... for me, it's a big step, and I'm really excited about it."

"You should be." Amy confirmed assuredly. "Good luck, bestie."

"Thank you!" Penny leaned forward to hug Amy, and then Bernadette. "I'll text you guys later."

* * *

><p>"Leonard!" Rushing into the bedroom, having run from their front door, Penny looked around, pausing in confusion. "Where are you?"<p>

"In the bath," Leonard's voice came through the bathroom door.

Dropping her handbag and jacket on the floor, she proceeded into the bathroom. "Aww, a bubble bath!" Penny smiled at the sight of him, relaxed, bubbles up to his neck, holding his Kindle up in front of him.

"I wanted to try out these new bubbles you bought." Leonard shrugged, leaning over to close the Kindle cover and put it on the floor.

Penny picked it up and moved it to the safety of the towel shelf before speaking. "Or you just knew that in the time I text you to say I was leaving the college meeting and getting home you had time to run a bath and get in, and that I'd want to join you." She put her hands on her hips, raising her brows, before a wide grin formed on her face. "Excellent work, Hofstadter." She made quick work of removing her clothes, before getting into the tub with him, leaning against the opposite end of the bath so she could look at him.

He grinned at her smugly, tilting his head up a little proudly. "See, I knew you'd like this."

Blushing slightly, Penny nudged his leg with her foot. "Shut up." She rearranged the bubbles around the top half of her body so his focus would be on what she had to say before speaking. "So, anyway, I have some _really _awesome news."

"Oh yeah?"

"Yeah." Penny nodded. "The college is giving me a scholarship!"

"Oh my _God_! That's amazing!"

"I know, right! I didn't even apply, they just told me that they've selected me for it and I just have to fill out this paperwork and send it back to them. How great is that? Like, I had the money to pay for it, but... this is even better! I can go shopping with that money! And get a gym membership!" Penny clapped excitedly. "Or spend it on pretty things for the apartment!"

"That's amazing, Penny. I'm so happy for you. But don't spend all of it on shopping," he chuckled, "but you definitely _can _do a bit of shopping, since you've also got that commercial coming up and I start work again in a few weeks."

"Yeah, I'm thinking of putting most of the commercial money into savings. You've taught me well with these things." Penny giggled, before biting her lip. "Now, we're both naked in the bath, but I am the wrong kind of wet, and I think you should fix that."

* * *

><p>"You look... wow."<p>

"I know, right?"

Penny twirled around and into Leonard's arms, leaning in to give him a quick kiss, her hands splayed on his chest. He held her hips, grinning.

"You don't look too bad yourself," she winked, her pointer fingers lightly scratching at the material of his lilac button-up shirt. It matched the lace lilac collar of the white dress she was wearing, which was also lace with a silk under layer. Where the collar parted, the dress parted too, down to just under her breasts, which Leonard had decided when they'd gone shopping was his favorite feature of it. Penny cocked her head to the side. "I think we should pop open the champagne."

"A little early for that, isn't it? Nobody else is here yet."

"Perhaps, but it _is _our apartment, we should get the party started." Penny's eyes twinkled. "What do you say?"

"I say we go pop that bottle of champagne open and use our fancy new champagne flutes."

"Ah, the new champagne flutes!" Penny exclaimed excitedly, pulling away from him to head toward the kitchen.

Leonard took a few seconds to just stand there and appreciate just how happy she was. He absolutely adored just how excited she was, and how even the smallest things would cause her to light up. The girl who had once feared commitment and moving in together was now the woman who eagerly had them furniture shopping and telling everybody along the way that they were living together. Yes, there had been multiple unfortunate events in between, but she had gotten there and he was proud. What had happened could have easily scared her off even further, but she had grown and learnt to accept that and move forward with this new part of her life. Penny was happy; that knowledge was all it took to make him smile. Seeing it, feeling it, and hearing it every day simply made him the happiest man alive.

* * *

><p>With Amy and Sheldon settled in Leonard's office, and Howard and Bernadette in Penny's closet, Leonard and Penny retired to their bedroom, both flopping down onto the bed. She had kicked her heels off hours ago, and he had unbuttoned the top of his shirt, so she curled into his side with a hand on the warm skin of his chest as she yawned.<p>

"It's so weird putting the Shamy in one room together and knowing they're going to share a bed." Penny mused, scrunching her face. "Feels wrong."

"Agreed. It's such a shame Sheldon's not talkative, I wanted to know more when he told me. He just left it at 'yes, Amy and I had coitus.' and moved on."

"Oh, no, seriously, like I told you on the phone that day when I called you from the car, you did _not _want more details." Penny shuddered.

Frowning thoughtfully, he nodded. "Suppose you're right, actually. Wonder how long it's gonna take to get over the shock of them sharing a bed. Or a room."

"Definitely. And probably, uh, _forever_." Penny sighed. "Does it disturb you slightly that they might have _coitus _in your office?"

"Does it disturb you that Bernadette and _Howard _might have sex in your closet?"

Shooting up into a sitting position, Penny scowled at him. "That is so gross_. _I hate you."

"You started it." Leonard accused.

"So disgusting," she shuddered, pulling a face, before standing up and unzipping her dress. "For that, we're not showering together."

"Seriously?"

Letting her dress drop to the floor, she kicked it to the side as she gave him a stern look, folding her arms over her chest. "Yes."

He shrugged, and sat up, leaning against the headboard. "Alright then."

"Ugh, no, come on, you were supposed to protest!" Penny moaned, her resolve dissolving.

"I know." Leonard grinned, getting up from the bed and unbuttoning his shirt.

"You are _evil_." Penny squinted her eyes at him, frowning.

"Alright, but I'm an evil _genius_." Leonard reminded her, tapping Penny's nose as he walked over to her. "Now c'mon, we need to shower before the Shamy and the Smurfs use up all the hot water before we do. I haven't changed the settings so it's probably going to run out at some point."

"I don't want to shower in cold water!" Penny gasped, eyes widening. "Why didn't you turn it on so it doesn't run out when you knew we'd have four extra people! I know I only told you like an hour before that they were staying but _still_! You should be glad Raj and Yvette went home and didn't stay in the front room like I offered!" Penny accused, jabbing him lightly in the chest, before she suddenly had a change of heart about what was currently important. "Wait, never mind! Hot shower! Go go go, Hofstadter!"

* * *

><p>"Howie?"<p>

"Hmm?"

"What do you think of Leonard and Penny?"

"What do you mean?" Howard asked, closing his comic book and turning to look at his wife.

"I mean... look at this place. We're staying in Penny's dream closet." Bernadette gestured around the room. "Did you ever imagine them... _here_?"

"To be honest? I never even imagined Leonard being able to ask Penny out. This is all just an eternal plot twist," he gave a small chuckle.

"No, seriously. After they broke up, did you ever imagine them back together and living in this amazing apartment so happily together - given how much Penny was terrified of the idea before?"

Taking a moment to think about it, Howard leaned back against his pillow. "I didn't expect it to happen this fast. I wanted, for their sakes, for them to get back together, but I didn't think it would happen just like that. Though I suppose, with Leonard and Penny, they've always known that eventually it would happen, and it made sense for them to come back here together and start afresh. Why?"

"I don't know. It just feels really weird. I just remember how badly Penny was hurting and... her turnaround just amazes me, that's all." Bernadette smiled sadly. "I always knew she was a strong person, but when she was alone and had hit rock bottom, I got scared that maybe she wouldn't find that strength anymore. But she did, and I'm so glad that she did, because nobody deserves it more than she does. It's just... overwhelming, you know?"

"Yeah, I know." Howard nodded, putting an arm around Bernadette. "But I think when you have someone you love that much, and somebody who loves you back the same way, it means you muster up all the fight in you and strive to get through even the worst of things. Right?"

"Right." Bernadette nodded, and turned her face to look at him. "I love you."

"I love you too." Leaning forward to kiss her, their lips met. The kiss deepened, but it was he who pulled away first. "I'm not sure I want to be having sex in Penny's closet."

Bernadette, who had looked confused for a moment, suddenly nodded and pulled back. "Good point."

* * *

><p>"Amy?"<p>

"Yes?"

"You're tugging on the covers."

Rolling her eyes and scoffing, Amy shuffled back slightly toward the middle of the bed to free up more of the covers. They didn't often share a bed, so the rules of bed space were still an issue between them. "This bed is smaller and so are the sheets, I can't help it."

"That may be the case, but we simply have to accommodate for the change. There are less than ten centimeters between me and the edge of the bed, that's my contribution to the situation." Sheldon pointed out.

"Alright. I'll try not to sleep closer to the side of the bed tonight."

"Thank you."

A few seconds of silence passed, in which Amy guessed Sheldon had gone back to sleep, before he spoke again. "It still makes me kind of sad that Leonard came back but didn't want to live with me anymore."

"It's not that he _doesn't _want to live with you," Amy explained with a small sigh, "it's just that he wants to live with Penny because he loves her, wants to take care of her, and spend the rest of his life with her."

"Do you think they'll get married?"

"Eventually, yeah."

"I think they will too." Sheldon continued to stare at the ceiling for a while longer. "They have a very nice apartment. I was never a fan of Penny's taste but they have done a decent job with this place."

Amy smiled to herself. She adored Sheldon's sweeter moments, such as this one. People rarely got to see this side of him, and she was proud to be one of the few that did. "They really have."

Once more, Sheldon was silent, this time for longer. Amy had started to drift off, but his voice retrieved her from her half-awake, half-asleep state. "Amy?"

"Yes?"

"Would you like to move in with me?"

For a moment, she simply lay there, eyes wide, frozen. There was no noise so he guessed he was frozen in anticipation of her answer. When he didn't retract his question, a smile grew across her face. "Yes. I would like that."

"Alright then. Good. I'm glad." Sheldon smiled up at the ceiling, before closing his eyes. "Goodnight, Amy."

"Goodnight, Sheldon."

Hardly believing what had just happened, Amy grinned. Sheldon Cooper had just asked her to move in with him in the home of her bestie. Her best friend was home and happy and in love, and her own boyfriend wanted her to live with him. Life really did get better and better.


	8. Life is Full of Little Surprises

"Leonard? I'm home!" Penny called, trying to contain her excitement as she closed the front door and hung up her jacket, dropping her handbag on the chair and her keys in the bowl.

She heard his voice respond with "I'm in the front room. How was it?"

Not waiting to reply, Penny answered as she made her way through to him. "Oh my God, it was _amazing_!" Grinning, she sat down next to him on the couch as he muted the television. "Like, _so cool_!"

"That's good! C'mon, tell me all about it."

"Really? Okay!" Penny shuffled closed to him, folding her legs beneath her. "So, I have my own trailer - my _own trailer_!" She slapped his arm excitedly. "My phones in my bag, I'll show you a picture later, it has my name on the door and everything! When we start shooting the commercial I'm gonna have a team to do my hair, make-up, my nails, my tan... it's going to be so good! You'll get to come home from work to a pretty Penny! For now we're just going over it all and doing little screen tests and seeing how things are going to look before we start shooting it. Oh my God, it's so exciting! This is like the best thing ever to happen to my career!"

He grinned at her excitement. "That sounds amazing! I'm so happy for you." Leonard squeezed her hands gently. "And I always come home to a pretty Penny anyway."

"Aw, that's cute. But I will look _super _pretty." Penny winked. "And don't argue that because I am _really _excited about the fact that for once I won't have to put the effort into my own make-up for an acting job, and come home still looking awesome!"

"Alright, I look forward to seeing you all dolled up." Leonard chuckled.

"All dolled up? Leonard, what era do you think we are in?" Penny raised a brow in questioning of his word choice, before her excitement took over once more. "Anyway, it's going to be so _awesome_. I'm going to get some coffee and a mug for my trailer and a few snacks and a photo of us to keep in there... it's going to be so cool! I'm just _too _excited!" Penny eyes widened as she grabbed his arm, her grip strong. "Oh, you should so totally come and see it! Maybe in a few days when I've made it all pretty... yeah!"

"You're so adorable when you're excited like this." Leonard smiled. "Of course I'll come and see your trailer."

"Yay!" Penny clasped her hands together beneath her chin, before dropping them and getting up. "I'm going to go get changed into something more comfortable and pick something to wear for tomorrow. What are we having for dinner?"

"Roast duck. It's in the oven, fifteen minutes left. I'll let you know when it's done."

"You already started it? Ah, I love you!" Penny leaned forward to kiss him on the lips, a hand on either side of his face, before skipping off down the hallway to her closet.

* * *

><p>"You may be wondering why I chose for us to meet ten minutes earlier than our usual Tuesday meeting time." Sheldon began, placing down his menu. "And Leonard, you may have noticed that our usual choice of restaurant for this evening is no longer the Cheesecake Factory - we have been eating here instead ever since Penny left."<p>

"Yes, I noticed." Leonard nodded. He couldn't be too annoyed about Sheldon pointing that out, considering he'd been the one to drive them here; it was just nice to be able to have dinner out with his friends again._  
><em>

"Good. Now, my main point of order." Sheldon paused, briefly looking around at his expectant friends. "I have asked Amy to move in with me."

"Dude!"

"No _way_!"

"Oh my God!"

"Calm down, it's not _that _unbelievable." Sheldon picked his menu back up, throwing them a look as though it wasn't a big deal at all. "I simply wanted to make you aware that she would be, as of this weekend, living with me."

"That's amazing, Sheldon." Leonard said, picking up his own menu too, grinning. Who would have thought - Sheldon Cooper moving in with a girl. He was impressed, and incredibly proud. "When did you guys decide this?"

"Before we went to sleep, at your house warming party."

"That was like, three days ago! How come you didn't tell us before then?" Howard asked in disbelief. "How did Bernie not even tell me this? She can never keep her mouth shut!"

"That's because Amy and I agreed to wait a few days to tell you all. I'm sure she's telling Bernadette, Penny and Yvette right now too." Sheldon smiled, before giving his breathy laugh with a look of delight. "Ooh, Bernadette and Yvette, that rhyme is a classic! Just as good as Yvette the Vet."

"This is so exciting!" Raj grinned, looking over his menu, ignoring the rhyme on his girlfriends name. "They day has finally come, Sheldon Cooper is going to be living with a girl!"

"Are you okay with her taking your spare room, Leonard?" Sheldon asked across the table, his tone serious. "It just sprung upon me that I should have asked you first if that was okay with you."

"Oh, yeah, that's fine. Now that I live with Penny I am _more _than happy to give that room to someone else. Especially Amy." Leonard nodded. "Now shush, I haven't been here before, I need to look at this menu properly."

* * *

><p>"I have amazing news." Amy announced, as the waitress left, having just brought over their coffees. Not waiting for her friends to respond, she beamed, her eyes shining with glee. "Sheldon and I are moving in together!"<p>

"_What_?"

"Oh my God!"

"Wow!"

Grinning from ear to ear, she looked around at her friends. "I know!"

"How... what... when did you decide this?" Penny asked, her brows raised high in surprise, not sure what she wanted to know first.

"At the end of your house warming party, before we went to sleep. We discussed the two of you - Penny, and Leonard, living together - and then he was quiet for a moment, and he asked me."

"Aww, that's so sweet." Bernadette grinned.

"I'm so happy for you two!" Yvette smiled. Being newer to the group and having spent a lot of time with Amy and Bernadette over the past year and a half, she was very excited for this development. Although, this made her very aware that couples-wise, this just left her and Raj out of the whole 'living together' situation. Not that she was _waiting _for it to happen, but it did bring it to her attention.

"This is so crazy, first you guys have sex - _twice! __- _and now you're moving in together... aww, the Shamy is growing." Penny practically beamed, gripping Amy's hand. "I'm so proud of you guys."

"Thanks, bestie." Amy lifted her shoulders up to her neck shyly. "I'll be taking Leonard's old room. D'you reckon he'll be okay with that?"

"Oh, of course, he's not going to be needing it anyway." Penny shrugged. "We'll just go over and make sure he hasn't left anything there." A suddenly very vivid memory rushed into her mind, seemingly out of the blue. Five years ago she'd flung her sheer cami off somewhere in his bedroom, and to this day, hadn't found it. It was probably best to locate it and remove it before Amy moved in. She liked that cami. Or, in retrospect, the response she got from Leonard when she wore it. "When do you move in?"

"This weekend."

"That's so soon!" Yvette gasped. "Are you gonna need help moving your stuff over there?"

"Ooh, yes, that would be nice." Amy nodded. "Thank you."

"Me and Leonard'll come over tomorrow then to go through his room and make sure it's all good for you."

* * *

><p>"Excuse me? Excuse me, sir, are you Leonard Hofstadter?"<p>

Turning around, Leonard frowned in confusion. The woman who had stopped him was not one he had seen before. Long, dark brown hair fell in curls stopping just above her waist. She was dressed in a pair of black skinny pants, a V-Neck white t-shirt and a smart grey blazer with flat black pumps. His first assumption was that she worked at the university and he'd just never formally met her. Still, why she was hunting him down when he hadn't even started back yet was beyond him. "Uh... yes?"

"I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to shock you like that! I'm Ellen King." She held her hand out, before realizing simply stating her name wasn't going to answer the look on his face that questioned who on earth she was. "Penny's therapist."

"Oh!" Leonard let out a small laugh before shaking her hand. "Right, hi. It's nice to meet you. Umm... can I just ask, how did you know who I was?"

"You don't think Penny's shown me a million pictures of you?" Ellen smiled. "I'm sorry if I caught you at a busy time. I just wanted to introduce myself. And don't worry, we agreed when she saw me recently that if I saw you we could talk."

"Oh, yeah, she told me that." Leonard nodded. "It's okay, I was just here to drop off some dry cleaning and then collect it again once it's done. My task of the day." He added with a laugh.

"Okay, that's good then. If you have the time and would like to, perhaps we could talk over coffee or something and get acquainted?"

"Why? Is there something wrong with Penny?" Leonard asked, instantly worrying. She was doing incredibly well. Wasn't she?

"No, from what I can tell Penny is doing perfectly."

"She is." Leonard confirmed. "Funnily enough, perfectly is currently one of her favorite words. It's cute."

"Good. Exactly. I just thought maybe you wanted to talk since this was obviously difficult for you too. And, you know, just so I can get to know you a little since you're a bit part of Penny's story. Not like a therapy session, just... somebody to talk to. I've found people tend to find having a casual conversation with their partners therapist can be helpful and reassure them."

"Really? Okay, sure, that would be nice, I guess." Leonard shrugged. "D'you mean, like, now, or...?"

"Now works for me, but if that's not good with you then that's fine."

"Yeah, now is good for me. I was just going to grab a coffee now over there." Leonard gestured, the idea of having somebody to talk to seeming like more and more of a good idea the more he thought about it.

"Sure."

Leonard led Ellen over to the coffee place, sharing a small joke over them both agreeing that no matter what time of day it was there seemed to always be a need for coffee. They were seated in a booth near the back and immediately ordered a coffee each.

"Penny tells me things have been doing really well here in Pasadena since you've both returned." Ellen began.

"Yeah, they have." Leonard grinned proudly. "She's got her national commercial - actually she began that a few days ago, they're going to be filming it in the next few days. I'm going over to see her trailer tomorrow, she's so excited about it all."

"That's great. I'm so glad things are working out for her. Thank you," Ellen smiled as the waitress brought over their coffees, before turning back to Leonard. "How're things going for you?"

"Great. I start work in less than two weeks so I'm looking forward to that. I'm just really enjoying having the time to relax right now." Leonard said, stirring some sugar into his coffee.

"And by relaxing that includes keeping an eye on Penny."

"What?" Leonard stopped stirring his drink, but didn't look up. He sighed. "I care about her and she's going through a lot of changes. After everything she told me and what happened in Nebraska... I can't help it, I worry."

"I know. I get it, and I don't blame you, Leonard. But you should know that eventually, when you're working again and she's busy, you'll spend less time together, and you'll have to get used to not being there for her twenty-four seven." Ellen smiled reassuringly. "She's very strong. And this'll be tough on you both, these changes; so don't think that you're the only one who worries. Penny cares about you a _lot_, she's probably constantly thinking about how this is affecting _you_. If there's anything I know for certain about Penny, it's that she cares for you and worries about you more than anyone in the world."

"Really?" Leonard raised a brow. That was something he had never thought about. Yes, he knew that Penny cared about him. But he'd never thought about _her _having to worry about these kinds of things.

"Yes." Ellen gave a small laugh before adding, "I can tell that's something you haven't given much thought to."

"No, I really haven't. I guess you're right." Leonard nodded, taking a sip of his coffee. "Well, I go back soon, so I guess that'll be the time to start getting used to it."

They sat quietly for a few seconds, drinking their coffees, before Ellen spoke again. "How did you deal with it all?"

"With what?"

"Being away from Penny. The break-up. When you found out what had happened."

Putting his coffee mug down on the table, Leonard sighed, before running a hand through his hair and giving her a small shrug. "I just threw myself into my work to distract myself." Expecting it to be a good enough answer, he kept his gaze on the coffee inside the mug. When she didn't say anything, he looked up to meet Ellen's expectant eyes. _Of course_, he reminded himself, _she's a therapist. She doesn't buy that crap. _"Umm... we had a lot of parties on that boat."

"So you drank?"

Hesitating, Leonard exhaled deeply, furrowing his brow. "Yeah. I guess I did. Which was weird, because it's so unlike me. The first time, I was lonely, so I did it for the social aspect and it just made the whole situation a lot more fun. It's stressful, you know, working to a deadline and having so much expected of you, and being away from the person you love for the first time... and it wasn't a problem, or anything, and Penny knew about it, but that was it." Leonard was amazed at how easily that had all come out. No wonder she had done such a good job with Penny; there was something about Ellen that invited you to talk without fear or being judged or questioned in a way that made you worry about your words.

"I see."

"Then the second trip... it was okay at first, the partying thing. I felt guilty that I hadn't seen her in so long and gone on this trip too. A few parties here and there, but mostly there was just a lot of work to do at the beginning." Leonard frowned intensely for a moment, his brow furrowing further at the painful memory of what happened next. "When she broke up with me, I did party, a lot. For a few days I just worked and then lay in bed, ignoring everything else. It was like being numb to the world. Then I just kept going to these parties and getting drunk to take that away. Never anything dangerous, I never wanted to go overboard with the drinking, but... still, I'm not proud of it. That's not how I deal with things but I just didn't know what else to do with myself anymore. Eventually my friend realized what was happening and found out about me and Penny breaking up and... huh, I guess I should really thank him properly because he got me to stop."

"Good. It's a good thing you had somebody there who cared enough and knew you well enough to get you to stop. That can be a horrible downfall."

"I know. He's the one who got me the contract that involved all of this travelling I got myself into, you know. Suppose I really do owe him, big time." Leonard raised his brows in thought. "Anyway, I did stop with all of that, and I really did throw myself into my work to distract myself."

"From what I know, everything for both you and Penny was bittersweet from there." Ellen said. "Your careers both began to advance and move you forward in your fields, but at the cost of your relationship and happiness within your personal lives."

"That sounds about right." Leonard produced a sad laugh. "I really would do anything to change that, you know."

"Leonard, I know that what happened is incredibly painful and something you will probably never stop regretting. But... you just need to focus on the fact that things worked out and the advantages in your life now." Ellen reminded him. "Just like I said to Penny, the past happened and the best thing you can do is be thankful for what you have now."

"True. And I am _very _thankful for what Penny and I have now." Leonard smiled.

"Yes, you should be." A grin grew on Ellen's face. "It's so great to be able to meet you and speak to you after all of this, to be face to face with what it is that makes Penny so happy. I can see it. I really can."

"Oh. Thank you." Leonard replied nervously. Finishing off his curiously, he looked at Ellen curiously. "Penny told me that your husband travels a lot. Is that why you became a therapist?"

"No, but it certainly made me a better therapist, once I learned to cope with him being away so often. It was actually a patient who pointed out to me that at least I get to see him for months at a time before he goes away again." Ellen shook her head in amusement. "Funny, how much you learn from the people you're helping. I was a therapist before I even met him. But it's made me a _better _therapist because I can empathize with people, beyond just sympathy, but with a professional wall of distance between _my _experiences, and what _they _are going through. Why?"

"I was just curious." Leonard shrugged. "My mother is a neuroscientist-psychiatrist and she made Penny cry the first time they met. You're a lot more easy to talk to and much, _much_, nicer."

"Well, no offense to your mother, but there are a lot of... interesting, shall we say, therapists out there. Different approaches work for different people. Penny is one who keeps things inside, but once she opens up she lets it all out, and needs to be talked _to_, rather than talked _at_."

"She is." Leonard agreed. "And my mother does tend to talk _at _people quite a lot. So, I can see where that went wrong. Though she does prefer Penny to me; she's a lot nicer to her and they spend more time together than my mother does with me when she visits."

"Oh, Leonard." Ellen chuckled. "I know that's horrible for you, considering it's your mother. But I think her getting along so well with Penny, despite their unfortunate meeting, shows that she sees how much Penny likes you, and how important that is for her that _you _are with the right person and happy with them too, and thus, her approval of your relationship."

"Seriously?" Leonard raised both his brows.

"Yeah."

"Huh. I really, _really _never thought of it in that way. But I like the sound of it."

"Life is full of little surprises like that."

"Sure is." Leonard chuckled. "Who would have thought, Beverly Hofstadter has some form of a heart. Emotionally, that is, not anatomically."

"Of course she does. I'm actually attending one of her conferences in a few weeks time, so that should be fun."

"They are not." Leonard stated flatly.

"Oh, on the contrary, for a therapist, they can be." Ellen grinned. "Plus, it means going to New York, which I'm certainly not going to turn down."

"Fair enough. I do like New York. I think Penny would like it too. Well, I say I think, I _know, _because of all the shopping. Maybe we'll go there once she's done with her commercial for a short weekend break."

"Sounds like a fun weekend." Ellen nodded. "Just a small tip - tell her to take an almost empty suitcase. Just because you're not going for long, doesn't mean she'll do less shopping."

"Thanks. We'll probably have to get an extra suitcase for her while we're there. This is Penny and shopping we're talking about."

"Very true." They laughed at this for a moment, before Ellen's phone lit up with a notification and she sighed. "I have to get going, I have a patient in a half hour so that's my reminder to be heading back."

"Okay, I should probably start heading back too. The dry cleaner will be done by now with the stuff from the other day." Leonard said, and they stood to leave, stopping to pay at the till before walking back out. "It was great to meet you, Ellen."

"You too. I know this was hard on Penny but it was hard on you too and I think you've both done so well with getting to where you are at now."

"Thank you." Leonard smiled shyly. "It was really good to talk to somebody about it. I never realized that it would be quite so refreshing to just share that. And thank you for everything you did with Penny."

"No worries, it's what I'm here for. Good luck with everything." Ellen patted his arm. "And if _you _ever need somebody to talk to, just like Penny, don't be afraid to call and make an appointment with me." She pulled out a card from her pocket, handing it over to him.

"Okay. Thank you." Leonard smiled appreciatively, nodding, pocketing the card. "Have a nice day."

"You too."

After saying goodbye, they parted their ways.

Walking back in the direction of the dry cleaners to pick up what he'd dropped off earlier, Leonard felt himself smiling. He had never thought of having to talk to anybody, and he hadn't really needed to. But it was definitely nice to have had the chance to do so, with somebody who knew the story already. He was amazed at how professional she had been even in a casual setting, not revealing things about her patient but still finding it in her to empathize and understand and give him advice. His heart went out to her, because despite the fact that she did get to see her husband more often and for longer periods of time, she still constantly went through saying goodbye to him and being away from him, which he knew was incredibly difficult. He was glad that Penny had found somebody like that in her life who could help her and was an equally strong figure.


	9. Things Worked Out

"So, that was my parking spot, 202," Penny explained, throwing her car keys into her handbag and leading Leonard along behind her by the hand, her eyes shining with excitement as she turned her head to look at him. "That over there is the little food trailer - they have the _best _bagels. My favorite one is the Philadelphia bagel."

"Sounds tasty." Leonard managed to say, before she continued again.

"Trust me, it is! We can get one later, I'll show you. Ooh, and that's our assistant director over there -" Penny waved at a woman two trailers away, who gave a quick wave back before turning back to the person she was talking to, "- she's really nice. That's my co-stars trailer, don't think she's here today. We don't need to be but I thought this'd be a good time to show you my trailer without everybody pouncing you and trying to get in the way of me showing you around."

"Okay." Leonard nodded, chuckling slightly at her enthusiasm.

"And here is my trailer!" Penny grinned, stopping abruptly and pulling a key out of her pocket. "With my name on it and everything!"

"Very cool." He smiled as she patted her name plate on her door.

"I know, right?" She nodded, before unlocking the trailer door and stepping inside, practically dragging him in with her. "Ta-dah! Welcome to Penny's totally awesome national commercial trailer." She announced dramatically. Allowing him to step properly into the trailer, Penny shut the door behind him, before stepping slightly further in so she could spread her arms and begin giving him a standing tour of the inside. "Here it is! Okay, so, here we have my little kitchenette with loads of coffee because... well, you know, I always need coffee. Umm and then is my little closet with my costumes in it and a little couch next to it. At the back there is a little bathroom with a shower and stuff, and next to that a bed which is really good for napping. Then coming back round is my dressing table, a little desk thing, and a tiny dining table which had a bowl of fruit on it but I finished it all... so I need to get some more fruit."

"It does look very cool," Leonard said, looking around at all the sections she had pointed out. "I like how you've decorated it with photographs and flowers."

Penny sighed, dropping her arms as she went back over to him. "I know it's not much. But... it's my trailer, and I've never had this kind of thing before, so it's really exciting for me. I mean, people come to _me _to do my hair and make-up and everything! And the door locks automatically when you close it, so I have to _let _them in - it's like... it just makes me feel like a proper actress."

"Of course it's a big deal!" Leonard assured her, bringing a hand up to cup her cheek. "You deserve all of this. You've worked really hard to get here. This is a big deal for you and I can see it in just how excited all of this makes you. Things worked out really well for you and I'm excited for you too. I think your trailer is amazing."

"Really?"

"Yeah."

Grinning, Penny leaned up to kiss him gently on the lips. "You're the best."

Chuckling, he gave her a peck on the nose. "I know. I try."

"Do or do not, there is no try." Penny smirked up at him, biting her lip as she pressed her body against his. "So, fancy having sex with an actress in her awesome trailer?"

"As long as that actress is you." Leonard teased.

"Oh, trust me, it is. None of these other pretty bitches are getting anywhere _near _you. Now, come on, I'm wearing Victoria's Secret underwear you're going to enjoy." Penny tilted her head to the side briefly, looking at him mischievously, moving his hands under her sweater to hold her waist. "Or _am _I?"

* * *

><p>"That'll be $217.98 in total."<p>

"Here." Handing over his credit card, Leonard watched as she swiped it through before entering his pin number. Penny took the two pink striped Victoria's Secret paper shopping bags as Leonard put his card back into his wallet, before thanking the saleswoman and leaving.

"Thank you sweetie," Penny grinned up at him, giving him a quick peck on the lips as she swung the two bags by her side. "I love you."

"Of course you do, I just spent two hundred dollars on underwear." Leonard chuckled, taking her free hand in his and interlinking their fingers. "And spent an hour going around the store with you." He had discovered that while he _loved _seeing Penny in the underwear they looked at, shopping for it was very much a chore for him. After looking at what felt like hundreds of bras and even more panties, she had settled on nine pairs of panties from the '3 for $33' section and two bras. He vowed to next time just leave her to it with his card and get a coffee instead. Or two coffees, judging by the amount of time they'd just spent in there.

"Well, yes." Penny giggled. "But in all fairness, I really _didn't _think through the not wearing underwear thing... I was all excited this morning to show you my trailer and forgot to bring some for afterwards. Oh well. New stuff from Victoria's Secret is never a bad thing. Right?"

"I suppose not. But I much prefer seeing you in it than being with you while you buy it."

"Guess it takes away some of the magic." Penny frowned, before catching sight of the sign showing the mall restrooms. "Oh, here we are. Hmm... think I'll go with the purple panties. Suppose I should put a bra on since we're going to dinner... might as well match and wear the purple one too."

"I'm sure that'll look great."

"It will." Penny raised her brows. "I'll be right back."

Leonard went over to one of the benches to wait, sitting down and pulling out his phone. He responded to Sheldon's text asking him when they would be coming over to collect the rest of his things from his old room. After that he played a game of Solitaire, winning to his delight, before Penny emerged.

"There we go. I am no longer underwear-free." She announced to him, taking his hand and beginning the walk back to the car park.

"That's a shame." Leonard pouted playfully at her.

"You say that as a joke but it is. For my top half anyway. These jeans, on the other hand, were really not made for long-term underwear-free wear." Penny said thoughtfully. "Oh well. I got new underwear, I can't complain too much."

* * *

><p>"Oh my God, <em>yes<em>! I found it!" Penny yelled from beneath the bed.

"Found what?" Leonard asked, turning his head away from the chest of drawers where he had been packing up the final bits and bobs that had been deemed insignificant when they'd taken the bulk of his items from his room to their new apartment. He raised a brow and let out a small laugh to find the feet of his girlfriend sticking out from beneath his bed.

"This!" Penny said, her voice strained as she wriggled her body out from under his bed. Sitting up, she brushed off a bit of dust from her top before looking at him and holding out two items of clothing with a proud expression on her face. "My cami from the first time that we were dating! Oh, and your purple t-shirt."

"My purple t-shirt!" Leonard grinned as he came forward to take it from her. "How did they get there?"

"They were stuck between the mattress bit of the bed and the wall. This is that sheer cami, remember?" She sighed when he frowned in thought. "Ugh, it was like... _years _ago, the first time we were dating, remember, and I took off my robe and I was wearing it... and you had that purple t-shirt on, then the next morning Sheldon refused to let me watch my television show because the noise decibels were 'beyond unacceptable' - remember? And you said you had a better punishment for me than not letting me watch my show..."

"Oh yeah," Leonard looked down at the t-shirt, smiling fondly. "That was a good night. I was trying to work out after that how my t-shirt count had gone down from thirty-five to thirty-four. I thought I was going mad and had been miscounting all along. Turns out I wasn't! Can't believe I spent all those years doubting my math skills."

"Seriously, _this _cami and you're thinking about _that _t-shirt?" Penny scoffed. "You wait, I'll wash it and put it on and that t-shirt is going to be the last thing on your mind."

"I look forward to it." Leonard nodded with a raised brow, tossing his t-shirt into the small suitcase they had brought with them. "I'm going to assume that's why you were under my bed for so long, trying to find those."

"Yeah. Well, I remembered my cami had gotten lost when Amy said she would be moving into your room and I thought that I had really better find it. Your t-shirt being there too was just a co-incidence." Penny shrugged. "Now c'mon, I don't wanna be here for _too _long or Sheldon's gonna get mad at us."

It took them another half hour to completely ensure that the room was free of all stray objects and items of clothing. There was a surprising amount of things that had been forgotten about, and after two final checks of the room, they deemed it satisfactory to leave behind. Leonard took the suitcase down the hallway and over to the front door, passing by Sheldon who was watching television.

Sheldon, without turning his head away from the screen, asked "are you finished?"

"Yes." Penny nodded.

"Is it left to a satisfactory standard for me to give the room a deep cleaning tomorrow morning?"

"Yes."

"Good." Sheldon muted the television, turning his head to look at the couple. "Will you be staying for a final cup of tea?"

"I'm sorry sweetie, but we really should be getting back." Penny said apologetically.

"Oh. Alright then."

Leonard and Penny looked at Sheldon and then at each other sympathetically. They knew that despite him choosing not to say so, and the fact that Amy would be moving in in his place, he would miss living with Leonard. After so long sharing the apartment, and such a big change looming over him, this process was more difficult for him than he was letting on. Smiling, Leonard shrugged. "I suppose we can stay for one cup of tea."

"Goody!" Sheldon stood up quickly, heading over to the kitchen, not able to hide his delight that they wouldn't be leaving quite so soon. "Green tea for you both as usual, I'm assuming?"

"That would be perfect."

Leonard and Penny sat in Leonard's old armchair (they had decided to leave it in favor of buying a new, bigger one to match the couch in their own apartment), and Sheldon resumed his spot once he had brought over the mugs of tea. The conversation remained light and casual as they watched whatever program it was that Sheldon had been watching, neither wanting to ask in order to avoid the long-winded answer they'd learned to expect from him. Eventually, Sheldon placed his empty mug down and turned to the pair.

"You know, this reminds me of the first time we were here together, the day Penny moved in across the hall."

"Really? How?" Penny raised a brow. "I'm pretty certain I didn't sit in this armchair with Leonard that day."

"No, you just had a shower with me still in the bathroom." Leonard chuckled, gently squeezing her sides.

Blushing, Penny bit her lip. "Just let Sheldon carry on with what he was saying."

"My point was, that was the first time and one of the few times that it has just been the three of us together." Sheldon said.

"Aww, so it was." Penny grinned. "I'm glad you guys came over. Let me tell you, moving and trying to get all your stuff sorted and still get to work and avoiding Kurt but still kinda wanting to see him, and forgetting to go to the grocery shop on time, and forgetting what groceries you actually _need _because you don't have that much money... it was stressful. So... I am, I'm really glad you guys came over and said hi. Numerous times."

"Yes, well, Leonard was quite insistent that we say hello."

Leonard shrugged at them. "Worked out well for me, didn't it?"

"Worked out well for me too. Despite her horrendous driving skills, it came in useful to have Penny available to drive me around when you would and could not." Sheldon nodded. "Though I really could have done without all the crying when you were broken up, and all the _noise _when you were together. Boy, I will not miss that."

"I'm sure you'll be making noise of your own nowadays." Penny grinned. "Now that you two kids are growing up."

"It's Amy who is the noise-maker." Sheldon informed them with a slight frown. "I'm going to assume that's a good thing."

"Oh, did not need to know that!" Penny pulled a face, frowning, leaning back away from Sheldon and into Leonard.

"Gross." Leonard muttered.

"You say that, but I had to put up with you two for innumerous years. And sometimes even the noise cancelling headphones didn't work." Sheldon folded his arms. "While you get away with only that verbalized information, I had to live with a verbalized commentary more times than I care to acknowledge."

"Yeah..." Penny ran her tongue along the inside of her bottom lip, nodding down at her knees. "My bad."

"It is the first thing I will have zapped from my memory once that becomes a classified medical procedure."

In retrospect, after giving it some thought, she really did feel sorry for Sheldon. Neither she nor Leonard were particularly quiet people, so Sheldon having to put up with them _together _in the room just next door, separated only by a thin wall, must have been quite the concert. She was the first one to pipe up that Leonard wasn't particularly quiet. And she knew she sure as hell wasn't quiet. But she'd never thought about the noise volume of them _together. _The idea of it brought a smirk across her face.

Meanwhile, Leonard simply grinned. If he was loud and Penny was _that _loud, clearly the both of them were doing something right. And he was definitely very proud of that. "We're sorry. We'll pay for that medical procedure should it come into existence."

"Yes, well, neither of you look particularly sorry." Sheldon shook his head disapprovingly. "This really wasn't the point of my original topic. I would much rather move along from it."

Blinking, Penny looked back up and cleared her throat. "Sorry. Yeah. You were saying something about the first day I moved here."

"I was, correct." Sheldon nodded. "As I said, that is one of the few times it's been just the three of us together. You will recall that Koothrappali and Wolowitz joined us shortly afterwards - a delightful, I'm sure, surprise for the moment you came out to seek help from Leonard with the shower - and from then on it was five of us. You made us from a small cluster of four to a raving co-ed group of five. And, in time, that became a wild mass of seven when Amy and Bernadette were added to the group."

"Technically Amy joining the group was Howard and Raj's work." Leonard pointed out.

"Yes, however, I had to give Penny some credit with Amy, they are 'besties' after all."

"Aww." Penny grinned. "Don't you love our... wild mass of seven?"

"The strange thing is, I do. Despite my initial discomfort with you being added to the group, thanks to Leonard's persistence, I like how things turned out. And it was nice for it to be the three of us again, because now that neither of you live in this building, it won't be."

"That's so sweet." Penny smiled.

"Who knew such lovely things could be said by Sheldon Cooper." Leonard grinned proudly. "Now it'll just be you and Amy here."

"And if Raj and Yvette get serious and move in together... we'll all be living in couples!" Penny gasped, hitting the side of the armchair excitedly. "How weird is that? How we all started as eight singles and over time, two by two, we became four couples? What are the odds of _that _happening?!"

"We could calculate the odds-" Sheldon began.

"Not necessary." Leonard cut him off.

"I like how things worked out." Penny smiled, looking around the apartment. "I really do."

"Me too." Sheldon agreed, whilst Leonard nodded a quiet "same."

They sat quietly for a moment in reflective thought, before Penny sighed contentedly, shifting beside Leonard and then standing up. "We really should be going now."

"Yeah." Leonard agreed, also standing.

"It is getting late." Sheldon confirmed, getting up too from his spot.

"Thank you for the tea." Penny said, as Leonard helped her into her jacket, which she'd draped over his old desk chair, before picking up her handbag.

"You're welcome."

Digging his hand into his pocket, Leonard pulled out his apartment key for 4A. "Here. This is Amy's now."

Looking at the object curiously for a moment, Sheldon gave a small smile before accepting the key. "Thank you, Leonard."


	10. One Hell of a Nerdy Conversation

A smile forming on his sleepy face, Leonard picked up the pink lined paper - that had been torn neatly from a notebook he instantly knew was Penny's - and placed beside the welcomingly turned on coffee maker.

_Have a great first day back at work baby! Left you a little present in the cupboard above the sink & some lunch in the fridge :) Love you! xxx_

Chuckling fondly at her scribbled note, he put it back down and headed over to the cupboard over the sink and opened it. There he found a new Star Wars themed thermos flask, a pair of Captain Kirk mugs (one with 'Kirk for President' and one with 'Captain Kirk: Commanding Officer' on them), and a box with his name on it in which he found a framed photograph of the pair of them from their house warming party. There was also a small post it, which read '_One mug for work, the other for your coffee this a.m. :) The flask for your journey & photo for your desk x' _

Sometimes he forgot just how adorable Penny could be. She'd had to leave an hour before his alarm went off that morning, and had insisted he just go back to sleep since it was his first day, which he did. But he hadn't expected this small treat from her. He poured himself some coffee into the 'Kirk for President' mug before heading over to the fridge, where he found a plastic container of pasta, and another with salad. Wondering when she'd found the time to make this, he grinned when he opened the lid slightly and saw that it was fusilli pasta with green pesto - simple, but his favorite.

He could remember being excited for Penny's first day with her commercial, but he hadn't done anything like this. Though, as he sipped at his coffee at the counter, he remembered that he _had _taken her out for dinner the night before and then had a romantic meal cooked for them upon her return home that evening. "Romance works in different ways," he said to himself with a wide grin. He'd been looking forward to starting work again, aside from the stress it would inevitably bring, but this had made his morning and outlook on the day a thousand times better.

* * *

><p>With the busy day of Penny's long day on set for the commercial, and Leonard's first day back at work, by the time they had finished dinner and catching each other up, they agreed that it was a good idea to get washed up and into bed and continue from there. With the television on and their laptops in bed with them, the evening was calming and relaxed, allowing them to step back from the excitement and action of the day.<p>

"Ooh," Penny squinted at her screen as she double clicked on an email attachment. "They've sent me my timetable for college."

"That's exciting," Leonard leaned over to get a better look at her screen.

"Uh-huh," Penny nodded. "Oh, those modules look really interesting. And no Monday mornings! Yay!"

"Well that's certainly good." Leonard chuckled. "Oh, you don't even have any morning sessions!" He observed, as she slowly scrolled through the weekly timetable.

"Score!" Penny held out a hand to high-five him. "That's the perks of having done bits and bobs of it before. I just have to do the ones I didn't do already. Oh, wait, though I have practical sessions on alternate mornings - that's okay I suppose, it's not too early. Ah, this is so good. And I still have two full days off so I can have a little acting job in between if it fits in."

"That's worked out well for you then." Leonard kissed her forehead before sitting properly again. "As long as you don't over-work yourself."

"It's you who'll be over-working himself, Mr. I-have-fifty-emails-from-work-already-after-my-first-day-back." Penny pointed out.

"It's just welcome back emails." Leonard shrugged.

"Oh, look at you, quite the popular guy now aren't you?" Penny teased, grinning with her tongue between their teeth.

"Mainly, it's just departmental emails and administration things I need to sort out. But, yeah, some of them are nice little emails welcoming me back. I guess I am kinda popular." Leonard tilted his head up proudly.

"Just as long as they're not forgetting that you're _mine_, I'm cool with you being the popular guy at work." Penny winked.

"This is Caltech, not high school, being the popular guy doesn't mean anything."

"Uh, Caltech is a university, which is a kind of school, so... yeah it does. And these days you're the hot stud everyone's after." She pouted at him playfully, ignoring the part of her that was more than slightly jealous of all these people wanting to - and _getting _to - spend time with him. "Do I need to give you a hickey to make it clear that you're mine?"

"You can if you want, I have _no _problem with that. But I'm an Experimental Physicist, so I can assure you I am as far from a 'hot stud' as could possibly be." Leonard chuckled.

"That is true." Penny nodded thoughtfully. "Eh, I'm gonna give you that hickey anyway. I have an Example A and Example B of why I don't trust or like female scientists, so, you know, that can be a nice friendly reminder that you're taken. But not right now because I need to print this timetable and order my books."

"Here, pass me your laptop and I'll set it up with the wireless printer in my office." Leonard put his laptop on the bedside table, and she handed over her own to him.

"Thanks." Penny smirked. "Quicker than the time I asked you to set up my printer but you got distracted by Alicia moving in upstairs."

"Aw, come on, that's not fair, it was a long time ago and... nothing was happening between us anyway back then!"

"Oh, was my _glaring jealously _not obvious enough? The fact that I bought a brand new dress, did my hair and make-up and shaved my legs _just _to come upstairs and be all fake-nice to her so you'd remember I exist, that didn't make it clear to you?"

Raising his brows, Leonard turned to look at her. He could tell from her tone and expression that she wasn't quite joking, and as much as it confused him, he knew it wasn't something he could ignore. "Penny, you're over-reacting."

"I know! Okay? I know I'm over-reacting." Penny sighed, leaning her head back as she drew her knees up, placing her feet flat on the bed. Her hands dropped down either side of her, fiddling with the comforter. "Look, I know, this is really stupid, because I don't have a real reason to be jealous of those people at work, even the women, but I just am. And I don't know where that thing about Alicia came from. It's just... there are huge changes for me, Leonard, and I've been so content with spending all my time with you and even when I went to work, knowing it was still just the two of us... now that you're starting work again and I'll be starting college and finishing up the commercial, I'm just... it's a lot of change to be dealing with and thinking about when I start to _really_ think about it."

"Do you want to... do you want to talk about it?" Leonard asked tentatively.

"I don't know. I just feel stupid now because it's so irrational, you know? It just comes from nowhere. And it's over stupid things that I already know mean nothing. I mean, those things were all a _long _time ago. It's dumb. And you... _you're _going to work, and I know you always worry about me, and that this has been really hard on you too, and people will be asking questions, and... and then there's me who just..." Penny sighed in frustration. "I don't know."

"Is there anything I can say to make it better? Actually, no," Leonard shook his head, before putting her laptop to the side and turning to her. "Even if these things are irrational and out of nowhere, it's good to get them out of your system. Sometimes you just remember these feelings and they need to go. So I don't care if those things are what you're worried about, as long as I know so that you're not keeping it in. Alicia was a long time ago and it was only because I spent so long going after you that a fresh attempt with someone else seemed like a good distraction at the time. And all the people at work... I _really _couldn't care less who welcomes me back and how many of them do. Unless it's Stephen Hawking. Or, like... Einstein in a time machine. I've had enough bad experiences with the female scientists as it is, and that's not even much, but it's still enough, so, you really don't have to worry about that. Like, ever. So, you don't need to ever worry about these things. But if you do, that's allowed, we all have these irrational, out of the blue moments where we just... have to let it go."

"I know." Penny dropped her head to his shoulder. "Thank you." For a moment they were simply quiet, and he brought his hand up around her to rub her arm gently. Biting the corner of her lip, Penny's brow furrowed and she placed a hand on his knee. "I figured it out."

"Figured what out?"

"Why all of that just sort of... came back up."

"Okay, that's good."

"Can I tell you?"

"Of course," he smiled, gently squeezing her arm and rubbing small circles where he knew relaxed her just below her shoulder.

"When we were in the taxi going to my apartment in London that day, for a second I got scared that if we _did _eventually get back together, once you knew my story you would... you would one day give up on trying to deal with everything that comes as a consequence of it. But I told myself not to overthink, because it was just too much in one tiny moment of time. Acknowledging these huge changes happening _now _made me overthink."

"Penny," Leonard turned fully to face her, taking her face between his hands softly, looking her straight in the eye. "I am never, _ever _going to give up on you."

"I'm a lot to handle."

"I know." Leonard chuckled. "I've known that for nearly ten years."

"But even more so now." Penny looked up at him sadly. "It's a lot for even _me _to deal with, sometimes."

"That's what I'm here for. Just like when you have my inhaler to hand when I need it most." He stroked his thumb against her cheek when he saw the slight of a smile on the corner of her lips. "I love you, Penny, too much to ever give up on you."

"Even when I'm being unreasonable?"

"That's just part of the process of recovering. The smaller problems and fears emerge when changes start happening, until you've fought them all."

"And that doesn't bother you?"

"Absolutely not. You know what, here, I'll prove how it works. I still get scared that you'll be swept off your feet by some handsome, rich, muscular, tall actor while you're doing your commercial or in some acting job after that."

"Oh, come on, that's stupid, you know that won't happen." Penny raised a brow at him, putting her hands over his on her face.

"I know. But I can't help thinking it. Just like you did now. Old insecurities come back sometimes even when you _know _they're unreasonable." Leonard leaned forward to kiss her lips.

"Alright. Makes sense." Penny felt herself finally smile as his lips touched hers just following his words. "Thank you. And just so you know, I'm not ever giving up on you either. Even if you think I would leave you for some dumb actor."

"Well, that's always good to hear."

Grinning, she returned his kiss, before reaching over him to get her laptop. "I'm sorry for turning this relaxing night into a... well, into what just happened. I do feel better now. I think it was just kind of looming over me a little bit. But either way, it doesn't get you out of setting up my printer this time!"

Leonard chuckled. "I do owe you a printer set up."

"Yup." Penny nodded. "And, look, I'm glad you're popular at work and that everybody wants to email you and talk to you. You worked with Hawking, of course they do. I'm okay with it. It was a lot to think about in that moment. So don't be worrying about any of this now, okay? I know what you're like."

"I can't _help _worrying-"

"No, ugh, Leonard," Penny laughed a little, swatting his arm. "Don't, okay, I'm fine. Promise." She smiled sweetly at him, before shuffling down in the bed. "Just set up my printer, print the thingy, and then we can go to sleep."

"Aw, is someone tired?"

"Very." Penny nodded, closing her eyes as her head slid onto the pillow. "But I can't sleep until you're done so you can spoon me. So hurry up."

"Yes ma'am."

* * *

><p>"Hey baby," Penny grinned as she answered the phone through a mouthful of salad, knowing it would be Leonard from the caller ID.<p>

"Someone sounds cheery." Leonard chuckled.

"I am! After I have my lunch, all I have to do it sit there while they put the hair extensions in to style them and make sure the color is right and then I'm done for the day."

"Ah, the tough life of an actress."

"Right? Though the next three days will be all filming so that'll be busy."

"How come it's taking three days?" Leonard asked, knowing that some of her older commercials had taken much less longer.

"Well, we're not doing full days. And it's in three sections, which are done in three different ways. So it's easier to split it up. I don't know, I didn't make the schedule, but it sure as hell works for me."

"I see. That's good, then."

"Yup. Wish I could keep the extensions in to show you, though. Oh well! I'll send you a photo later." Penny placed her fork down, before sitting back in her chair and putting her feet up on the edge of the table. "So, did you call to check up on me after yesterday?"

"Umm... kind of." Leonard admitted quietly.

"It's okay. I thought you would." Penny smiled into her phone, closing her eyes. "I'm fine, Leonard. Thank you."

"For what?"

"For asking me. I think it's cute that you check up on me when you know I've been upset recently. It's nice knowing you care, that's all."

"Oh, okay." Leonard breathed a sigh of relief. He'd been worried that she might think it too overbearing of him, but she sounded genuinely happy that he had called her.

"Plus, it means I get a phone call from my boyfriend over lunch, which is always fun. How's work?"

"It's alright. Nothing much happening yet, just paperwork for things I'm going to start working on and playing around with some of the new equipment." Leonard shrugged, signing off a form as he spoke. "Ooh, actually, there's this one experiment I think you'd find pretty cool. I'll let you know when I'm doing it so you can come by and see it."

Biting her lip, Penny giggled. "Oh, I have to wait for you to be doing a cool experiment to swing by the lab? I can't just drop by unexpectedly?"

"No, no, you can definitely do that." Leonard grinned.

"Good, very good. Because I had plans for the days we're just filming in the morning and finish just after lunch. Didn't wanna cancel those."

"Oh, you had plans, did you?"

"Yup." Penny smirked to herself. "See, when you're having lunch alone in your trailer, you think of these things. And it's only logical I use this weeks spare time since I start my college timetable next week."

"Well, we don't want to go against logic now, do we?"

"We really don't." Penny agreed, nodding slowly, gazing at the table as she chewed on her lip. She really liked the certainty in Leonard's voice that had replaced the questioning tone that would usually accompany her pre-initiating these things in places other than the privacy of their home. She liked it a _lot_. Clearing her throat, she exhaled deeply as she ran a hand through her hair. "I should get going, they'll be here to do my hair soon."

"Alright. I'm going to try get all this paperwork done before I leave for the day."

"That sounds fun. I'm gonna pick up my books for college on my way back and then I'll get us something to make for dinner. Sound good?"

"Yeah, let me know when you're done. Oh, by the way, Sheldon invited us for dinner tomorrow. You know, with everyone else. It was a bit weird being invited to my old apartment."

"Sounds good to me. Amy's been keeping quiet about life living with Sheldon Cooper!"

"Can you blame her? We were the same."

"That's true. Guess we'll find out soon enough. Okay, I'll let you get back to work then. Love you sweetie."

"I love you too."

* * *

><p>Sharing the old armchair in 4A with Leonard, Penny had turned to her left to converse with the girls, who had opted to sit on chairs together so that the guys could sit on the couch, in order for conversations not to be thrown around when topics became more focused.<p>

"Wait, so, even though you've slept together - _twice _- you're still not sharing a room or even a bed in the apartment you _share _as boyfriend and girlfriend?" Bernadette clarified, confusion etched on her face. "How does that even work? You shared a bed at Penny's!"

"Yes, because there was no other option. We are okay with that." Amy nodded. "However, sharing a bed on a permanent basis is just something that we are not ready for. It's nice to have the comfort of it being an occasional thing because it feels special."

"I guess it's kind of like at the start of a relationship, when you spend a few nights together but not that many, and it makes the nights you _do _spend together more fun." Yvette said with a small shrug.

"True. But it's weird because you _live _together." Penny emphasized the last part by waving a hand to point between Sheldon and Amy. "And, as cute as that is, when you actually get to _always _spend the night with them is a thousand times better."

"And that's coming from the girl who was terrified of the idea of living with Leonard for a _long _time." Bernadette said with raised brows.

"We're not _scared _of sharing a bed," Amy explained, "we simply don't want to rush into it being a permanent feature of our relationship. We still need our boundaries."

"Okay, I get the boundaries thing... but still. Though, suppose, you guys have been taking the slowest pace ever with your relationship, this really shouldn't surprise us." Penny shrugged.

"Exactly. Besides, considering that you and Bernadette already live with _your _partners, it's Yvette who will probably understand this situation the most."

"Why me?"

"Because you don't live with Raj, so you get what it's like to still have the safety and comfort of your own space, but having the option to share should the need arise."

"I'd say it's more _desire _than need." Bernadette giggled.

As the girls moved on to talk about one of Yvette's latest pet she had treated and the owner who continually hit on her, Penny zoned out for a moment as she felt Leonard's hand on the skin of her waist. She turned around to see if he was doing it to get her attention, but he was completely engrossed in the conversation he was having with the guys to the point he didn't even respond when she accidentally pushed her elbow into his arm as she turned. Smiling, she turned back to the girls, listening to their bitching about this evidently horny pet owner who, as it turned out, was married, though her mind stayed on Leonard. She loved how he would absentmindedly do these familiar things that comforted and relaxed her, even when he didn't need to or she didn't need it. Her mind had been tuning into these things recently, and she wondered if he'd always done this without her noticing or if it was just because their relationship had gotten so much stronger recently that these gestures of tenderness just became a natural thing. It was like her handholding; she could remember years ago him asking if she was okay because she kept trying to hold his arms or hands when walking, and she hadn't even realized it; she'd just been doing it out of comfort. Perhaps this was just one of those things. She definitely liked it.

"Penny?"

"Huh?"

"We were just saying, we should do a proper girls night. We haven't done one with both you and Yvette before." Bernadette told her.

"Oh, sorry, I just zoned out for a little bit, my bad!" Penny giggled. "That definitely sounds like a good idea. I could _so _do with a girls night, it's been _way _too long!"

"Yay!" Amy grinned.

"We could do it at my place," Penny offered, "and I'll get Leonard to come stay here. That'll be nice for Sheldon too."

"Yes, I agree. He may have to sleep on the couch, though, I'm not comfortable with Leonard sleeping in my bed, even if he is your boyfriend, bestie."

"No, no, that's fine," Penny laughed. "I'm sure he'll be alright on the couch here, it's perfectly comfortable. Though you could always change the sheets and get him to strip them afterwards."

"Hmm. That's not a bad idea, I will consider it. I don't want him to be uncomfortable. So, when is everybody free?"

"The weekend might work best?" Yvette suggested.

"Definitely." Bernadette agreed. "Since we won't have to go to work."

"Alright, that works for me." Penny nodded, mentally checking she had no plans set for the weekend.

"Good. You wanna tell the guys?" Amy offered. "Since you're sitting right next to them."

"If I can get their minds away from whatever it is they're discussing that's so fascinating." Penny rolled her eyes, before turning round again. "Leonard, sweetie?" Realizing this was probably ineffective what with the animated debate going on between the guys, she decided to go for the simplest way of distracting them and shifted quickly into Leonard's lap and kissed him. Giggling at his confused expression as she pulled away, she moved off him to sit beside him again. "Sorry about that but you guys were _really _into that conversation and I had to stop it."

"Why would you _do _such a thing?" Sheldon looked dumbfounded. "We were just getting to the climax of the debate! An _incredibly _important one! Now we won't know-"

"Ba-ba-ba-ba!" Leonard waved his hand at Sheldon. "Let's not ruin this by reminding the girls how nerdy we actually are when we're all together."

"Really you don't think we know just how nerdy you guys are?" Penny said in disbelief.

"No, he's right, you'd rather not know." Raj agreed, nodding to Leonard.

"Agreed." Howard frowned. "But it was a damn good debate, Penny."

"Okay, sure, anyway." Penny sighed, raising her brows at the girls who looked just as amused as she was. "We're having a girls night this weekend so Leonard's gonna have to stay here with you Sheldon."

"Oh goody!" Sheldon exclaimed, his face lighting up. "We can continue this debate and use the whiteboards and video games and comic books to back up our points and map it all out!"

"Must have been one _hell _of a nerdy conversation." Amy muttered.


	11. Safe Journey Home

_**Chapter 11: **Safe Journey Home_

"Oops."

Penny frowned as she looked to her side to see that the _ding _and rather unappealing crunch was in fact her wing mirror colliding with the wing mirror of the car next to her. Fortunately for her, _her _mirror was still in tact, and she wound down the window to push it back out from where it had folded inwards. Unfortunately for the other car, the mirror had cracked rather that it being folded inwards upon impact like hers.

"Damn... this was such a good parking spot too. Whoops. Oh well!"

Sighing, Penny reversed back out, deciding she'd blame Leonard for that. He was the one who'd had to rush off to a meeting after their - admittedly, much longer than expected - endeavors in his lab. Which meant they'd had no time to just cuddle and calm down afterwards. So, going by her own logic, her inattentive state was _really _his fault. He could have just ignored the phone call asking him, last minute, to join an important meeting about a new grant proposal they'd decided they wanted him in on. And despite her telling him to go because it was important and might be really interesting, she still sort of wished he hadn't.

"Oh, who cares, it's not my mirror that broke." Penny decided, scoffing at her own mind process before pouting her lips together. _She _still felt great, even if the car owner of the broken-mirror car might not. Grinning, she found herself a new parking spot near the external exit that led to the street beside the mall instead, making sure that this time she did _not _damage any car parts.

Getting out, she headed straight for the store she was aiming for: the stationery and home office store. Leonard's office and lab lacked the excessive amounts of decoration and stationery that it used to, with only the whiteboard on the wall and a notebook he'd brought with him that he carried around with him. She had enjoyed how busy it used to be before, and even though it was years of use that his old office and lab had gone through to become such a full environment, she wanted to get him started on it now. That, and she was ninety-nine percent certain his current notebook was now unusable, which meant he would need a new one anyway.

It was odd, she thought, how much she was excited by the idea of buying things for his office. Usually, any shopping that wasn't for clothes or shoes left her insanely bored and in need of very strong coffee. But now, knowing that she'd be contributing to making Leonard's workplace more welcoming and mentally stimulating for him, hitting the stationery store seemed almost as exciting as hitting the Chanel make-up counter with Leonard on her birthday. _Almost. _Maybe she'd treat herself to a new lipstick as a reward for shopping for Leonard. And technically the lipstick _would _be for Leonard, because he had mentioned in London when she tried on the color that he liked it on her - she just hadn't bought it. Yet.

It was with that slightly questionable logic that Penny entered the stationery store and began walking through each and every aisle, slowly filling up the trolley she'd retrieved upon entering.

* * *

><p>"What the hell?" Leonard's eyes grew wide as Penny walked in, a trolley used to transport heavy lab equipment laden with shopping bags being pulled along behind her.<p>

"Hey sweetie," Penny said, tugging the trolley into his lab before dumping her handbag on the currently empty desk. "How was the meeting?"

"It was alright, I said I'd help out with some of the experiments if they get it but I have enough on my plate already so I told them I wouldn't be part of putting the proposal forward." Leonard shrugged. "It's quite a big one so it would take up too much time. Umm, what's all that stuff?"

"Oh, I went shopping!" Penny replied simply, waving a hand in dismissal. "Just picked up a few things for your lab and your office."

"A _few _things?"

"Yeah, some of those little whiteboards you used to have, corkboards, notebooks, folders... pens and pencils and markers and those little Math sets. That kinda stuff. Then I went to some other stores and got you a plant, a little kettle and some coffee and sugar." Penny explained as though she was simply telling him she bought a new bar of soap.

"Uh... that warrants the term 'a few things'? That's more like an entire office."

"It looked all empty earlier! I had to do something about it. Oh, and I got that lipstick in the shade you liked in London. So you can enjoy me wearing that tomorrow." Penny grinned perkily at him.

"Umm, okay, but... why?"

"Because your office and lab look all empty, so I thought I'd get you started with stuff to make it more like it was before. After all that time we spent shopping for the apartment, I think this was just _waiting _to happen."

"I see." Leonard chuckled slightly.

"Did you not want me to?" Penny frowned.

"No, it's just a bit... random?"

"You mean like, impulsive. That's what you mean." Penny sighed, leaning back against the work surface on which he'd begun to set up an experiment. She knew in seemed out-of-the blue, and in retrospect, slightly brash and obsessive, as though she felt the need to make her mark in his office - especially after what had happened a few nights ago. But her idea had been simply to make Leonard's lab and office his own, not the empty place it currently was, and she had always enjoyed shopping - most recently, domestic shopping. "I just realized how empty it was, compared to before. It has nothing to do with anything, other than this new obsession with shopping for homely, and apparently office-y, things."

"That's okay. I just didn't expect it, that's all." Leonard assured her, rubbing her arms gently with his hands.

"Maybe it's the whole fresh perspective thing." Penny said, tilting her head to the side slightly in thought. "All this stuff just seems so exciting still." She gave him a quick kiss on the lips before stepping back. "Mm. You get back to work. I'm gonna set about making this place a bit more exciting before moving on to your office."

* * *

><p>"God, I am <em>exhausted<em>." Penny mumbled to herself, flopping down on the couch and closing her eyes, placing her hands on her forehead.

"Oh, hey, honey," Leonard said, popping up from behind the kitchen counter and effectively scaring Penny.

"Jesus Christ!" Penny sat bolt upright, moving her hands over her chest. "God, Leonard, you scared me there."

"Sorry, I dropped an egg and was cleaning it up. That stuff is real reluctant to be cleaned up." Leonard threw a wad of kitchen paper into the trash can before coming through to join Penny on the couch, giving her a quick kiss and pulling her into his arms. "How was your last day?"

"Exhausting." Penny yawned, settling her head onto his chest and her arms around his stomach. "Loads of fun though. But I want to sleep for a million years now. I forget how much these things can take it out of you. Some of them are going out to celebrate but I just wanna lie down forever."

"Well, you don't have to get up until the evening tomorrow, so you can be Sleeping Beauty and rest up." Leonard smiled, rubbing her arm gently. "But hey, you did it! You filmed for a national commercial! Yay!"

"Mmm." Penny giggled. "That's exciting. They said they will let us know when it comes out and what channel and time it'll be on first. I'm gonna be on that TV screen."

"That lucky TV screen." Leonard chuckled, which made Penny giggle. "I'm gonna make some French Toast and then run you a bubble bath, have a little fruit platter and tea for you while you're in there, and then I think it's bed time for you."

"Okay baby. You're the boss." Penny nodded, not moving to let him get back up to go to the kitchen, despite wanting him to get started on the relaxing treat he'd just described for her.

"I've put _Sex and the City _in the DVD player." Leonard grinned, to which she instantly sat up. "Am I awesome or what?"

"You are pretty damn awesome, Hofstadter." Penny nodded approvingly as he got up. "Your tushy is also pretty damn awesome," she winked as he walked away. "It better be joining me in that bubble bath later!"

* * *

><p>"Girls Night!"<p>

Clinking their champagne flutes, the girls cheered between the four of them.

"So-o," Penny placed her flute down on the coffee table, "Ames, how's living with Sheldon going?"

"Wonderful. We already had an arranged Living Arrangement Agreement, so things are going pretty smoothly." Amy confirmed. "Though I did have to put up a case for longer shower time. He forgets that girls take longer."

"That's good, then! Glad things are working out."

"Is it all... scheduled and organized?" Bernadette asked, trying to think of the correct word to use. "Do you have to go by his timing or does he give you a bit of freedom because you're his girlfriend?"

"We mostly go by his schedule, which is fine by me. It was a pretty tedious conversation though when I told him on Mondays and Tuesdays I start work later so wouldn't be able to drive him to work." Amy rolled her eyes. "But other than that, it's great. It works for me."

"Ah, yeah, he rang Leonard to ask him if he'd take him to work on those days." Penny nodded, amused.

"I'll bet he was happy to get that phone call." Bernadette laughed.

"Yeah, so, _so _happy."

"One morning, I was staying at Raj's, and I woke up to this knocking on the door and it was _Sheldon _asking for a lift because Howard was sick and couldn't drive him. It was 6am." Yvette groaned. "That was a real shock to the system."

"Mm, never gets any more fun having to deal with that." Penny nodded at Yvette sympathetically.

"He's really looking forward to having Leonard stay over." Amy said, moving the conversation along. Unfortunately, she didn't really have much to say about living with Sheldon - it was less exciting to explain than it was to be actually living with him. She sort of liked that, keeping it between them, but wished she had more to say about it. "It'll be the first time in two years that he'll have Leonard there again."

"Aw." Penny gave a small smile in Amy's direction. "Well, you know, things change, stuff happens. If he'd come back after that first trip, eventually I'd have asked him to move in with me anyway. We spent most of our time together, it would've made sense for it to be the next move."

"How does it feel knowing that this'll be your first night in this apartment without Leonard?" Yvette asked.

"I dunno. Weird, I guess. I hadn't really thought about it. I'll miss him. It's always just the two of us, so it'll be... different." Penny explained thoughtfully, twirling her hair around her finger. "It's actually the first time since I saw him in London that we won't be together. Apart from a few nights when there was a bit of a... we've literally not been apart since then. So, yeah, I dunno, it'll just be a bit weird I guess."

"You want one of us to share the bed with you so you can pretend it's him there with you?" Amy offered, "I'm your bestie, I'll fill in if you like."

"Umm, no, that's okay," Penny giggled slightly - Amy's quirkiness was always endearing, rather than awkward like it had been when they'd first met.

"Yeah, you don't want her pretending you're Leonard," Bernadette smirked, "who knows what situation you'll wake up in."

"Hey!" Penny gasped, mocking offence.

"I would say I'm kidding but I'm not really." Bernadette shrugged.

"Well, it'd be a bit late but it could count as your reciprocation to my attempt at lesbian experimentation at our first slumber party." Amy stated.

"_What_?" Yvette exclaimed.

"Yeah... and it's _exactly_ how it sounds." Penny frowned as she remembered the incident in question.

"Amy was looking up what people do at slumber parties and apparently, experimentation with lesbianism was on there, so... she went for it." Bernadette bit back a laugh. "_Really _went for it, apparently."

"Sadly, I wasn't very successful. Penny wasn't a willing participant." Amy sighed. "Oh well."

"Well, that's... that sounds like a fun first slumber party." Yvette laughed. "We're not doing that tonight, though, right?"

"Oh, no, God no." Penny shook her head profusely. "That was the one and only time that kind of thing ever happened."

"Though I'm sure Howard likes to imagine it happens at all slumber parties." Amy raised a brow at Bernadette.

"No, I ruined that dream for him a _long _time ago."

* * *

><p>"I know, I miss you too. It's weird. It's just for one night though. Yeah, of course. I'll see you tomorrow, just call me when the girls are planning to go and we'll pack up and start heading back, okay? Yeah. Okay, honey, sleep well. I love you. G'night."<p>

Smiling, Leonard placed his phone down on the nightstand. His old nightstand. It was odd, being in this bed, but knowing it was no longer his. Amy had kindly changed the sheets for him to ones he had left as spares for her, should she forget to bring her own when she had moved in, having decided it kinder to let him sleep in a bed rather than on the couch like she'd originally planned. It was strange, being here, and not being in bed with Penny. Especially in his _old _bed. It had been nice to hear her voice over the phone but he definitely preferred it being the two of them together rather than apart in any way - that was something he had known for a long time, but putting it into practice after all of this was definitely strange. He knew he wouldn't spend every single night with Penny, but this first one was definitely difficult.

Closing his eyes, Leonard sighed. He hoped he'd get to sleep soon. He was exhausted; he'd forgotten how much energy the excitement of intense video gaming took out of him. But he had this niggling feeling that his not being with Penny tonight might make sleep more difficult. From what he'd learned, and judging from her phone call, sleep wasn't going to come easily for Penny either. That was something that hardly helped in his will for sleep. Still, he knew it was slightly ridiculous that he should be so worried about this. At least he would see her tomorrow, and they could have a relaxing weekend of resting and an early night if needed.

* * *

><p>"This was nice, Leonard." Sheldon stated with a small, timid smile, as though he didn't want to admit how much he'd enjoy having his old roommate stay in the room next door, but still wanted him to know because it was important - and he had, after all, missed Leonard and him being in the apartment. He was enjoying living with Amy, but Leonard being there and part of his morning routine, even it was just for one time, had brought back a sense of familiarity and comfort.<p>

"It was." Leonard agreed. "It was good to be back, even if only for a night."

"Yes." Sheldon gave a nod. "Though you probably missed Penny."

"Yeah, I did." Leonard smiled sadly. "Did you miss Amy?"

"Strangely, I did. There is something comforting about kissing her goodnight before bed. However, fortunately I had my friends here to distract me."

"Whoa, wait, hold on," Leonard put up a finger. "What do you mean, 'kissing her goodnight' - you guys do that?"

"Yes, Leonard. We kiss goodnight." Sheldon stated, shaking his head, almost snarkily, just like his old self. "Grow up."

Smirking, Leonard brought his hand back down to his side. "Well aren't you two just upholding your status as Pasadena's power couple perfectly."

"I don't know what you mean."

"Never mind."

"Alright. I won't mind."

"Amy will be back soon, so I'll get going." Leonard patted his pockets to make sure he had his car keys and wallet in there still, before bending to pick up his overnight bag. "I'll see you tomorrow morning."

"Yes, I will be outside at the usual time." Sheldon nodded, opening the door for his guest - something that felt strange, but felt compelled to do out of politeness to his friend. "Thank you for coming, Leonard."

"Thanks for letting me stay. And for having the coffee on in the morning."

"No problem." Sheldon fidgeted his hands together nervously for a moment. "And please thank Penny for organizing her girls night and suggesting you stay over here."

"I will." Leonard smiled. "Okay, see you."

"Goodbye, Leonard. Have a safe journey home."

_Home, _Leonard thought as he gave a small wave and turned to leave. It was strange how he so easily adjusted to calling his and Penny's apartment home, but perhaps it was just because it was meant to be that way. The thought put a wide smile on his face, one which stayed there as he drove home.


	12. Romance Ninja

As Penny began her college timetable and got settled into the routine, and Leonard returned to his usual busy work schedule, they both found themselves - as expected - spending a lot less time together. And the time they _did _spend together was usually at the dining table with their laptops, working and studying until one of them noticed how tired the other was. They'd made a promise to leave weekends for relaxing and not focusing on work, which worked well since it allowed them to spend some time together properly without anything to distract them. Leonard noted that Penny struggled more during the first month with her new academic workload, but soon after that she found herself back on track and had even managed to start scheduling in auditions again. This relaxed him immensely; even now, when things were going so well, he would find himself worrying that perhaps this was all _too _much for her - but she continually insisted she just needed some time to get settled properly, and was thoroughly enjoying herself despite the stress. Indeed, she _was _always grinning and happy, as usual, just there were periods of quiet and seriousness as she worked. And if he was honest, it wasn't exactly something he'd been accustomed before.

Some weekends, however, worked out better for them than others did.

"Mm. That was amazing." Penny sighed, smiling as she felt Leonard move off her to lie back beside her. She hummed contentedly as she turned back onto her side, stretching slightly as she enjoyed the after-effects of the massage he had just given her. "Your hands are miracle workers."

"I know." Leonard grinned proudly. He had decided, since they both had the weekend and Monday off, that he would make it _extra _special.

"You need to get your mind out of the gutter, Hofstadter." Penny giggled.

"It wasn't. It's you who has their mind in the gutter," he shrugged, tapping her nose lightly.

Biting her lip, Penny scrunched her face up at him. "You were just straddling me, giving me a back massage while I'm naked. I can't help it if my minds in the gutter a little after that. And you're not even doing anything to fix it." She pouted her lips at him, batting her eyelashes.

"Later, later."

"What! Why?"

"Because that's what you did to me the other weekend." Leonard chuckled, rubbing her arm lightly.

"Ugh, I _knew _that was gonna come back and bite me in the ass." Penny frowned.

"_Bite me in the ass... _no, I'm pretty sure that's what happened to _me_."

Smirking, Penny shook her head. "Shut up, you."

"Make me." Leonard teased.

"Really, that's how we're playing this?"

"Apparently."

"Alright then, _Doctor_ Hofstadter. Have it your way. You asked for it." Penny said seriously, before her mouth was clamped over his, kissing him with such intensity that she almost forgot she was doing it to shut him up, rather than because she wanted him to make it go further. After a while she pulled away, pretending she wasn't as breathless as he was, grinning at his confused little face, before pushing him towards her slightly so he rolled from his side and onto his back. Lifting one leg over him, she sat up to straddle him and placed her hands at his shoulders. Leaning forward, she whispered into his ear, "bet that shut you up; didn't it? Now you enjoy this massage and tell me your mind doesn't fall into the gutter."

* * *

><p>"I think you won that." Penny said softly as her eyes opened up.<p>

"I think so too." Leonard agreed smugly, helping her sit up slightly and lean against the pillows. "And the bite marks on my shoulder also think so."

"Mm. You're gonna be one smug little bastard for the rest of the day aren't you?" Penny giggled lightly, reaching a hand out to find the sheets.

Reaching over her body and covering her with the comforter, Leonard nodded. "Yup."

"Suppose you deserve it." Penny lifted a hand to his chin. "That was pretty damn awesome and earth-shattering and world-rocking and all the other adjectives I cannot think of right now. Go you!"

"Go me indeed." Leonard chuckled, before leaning in to kiss her lightly. "I'm gonna go make some coffee."

"Oh, you _definitely _owe me coffee after that." Penny grinned.

* * *

><p>"Hello?" Not having looked at her called ID, Penny cautiously spoke into her phone.<p>

"Hey, Penny, sorry to call you at the weekend and so early on a Saturday morning."

Instantly recognizing the voice of her agent, Penny smiled. "Oh, that's okay, I wasn't doing anything... _now,_ anyway. Just trying to decide if I want chocolate ice cream or strawberry. I feel too healthy after my fruity oatmeal."

"An important decision. Go with chocolate! Anyway, I would leave this until Monday, but I wanted to get you booked in for this audition as soon as possible if you're interested and think you'll have the time."

"Ooh, must be really good. Spill!"

"It's another national commercial - the same people you just worked with over a month ago. Only this is a series of four commercials for the same thing, so it's bigger and they have some pretty decent names doing some of them already. They called me this morning."

"Oh my God that sounds so cool! Yeah, definitely get me in for an audition. I don't have anything on Wednesdays and Thursdays - well sometimes I have a practical session but I'm sure I can swap that around if I need to."

"Alright, I'll call them and get you booked in and text you the details."

"Awesome. Thank you so much!"

"No problem. Sorry for disturbing your weekend."

"No, no, it's fine, don't worry." Penny laughed. "I am _not _kidding when I say I was just trying to pick an ice cream flavor. I'm literally just lazing around, Leonard's not letting me do anything too busy."

"Okay. Like I said, go with chocolate. I'll text you later, then. Enjoy the long weekend."

"Thank you, you too. Bye!"

Hanging up the phone, Penny jumped up and did a little happy dance. If these were the same people from before, and they had asked her agent for her to audition, then that must have her pretty high up on the list of people they wanted. So even if it didn't mean she had _definitely _gotten it, her confidence was boosted pretty high - four more national commercials. "I am on a _roll!_" Penny exclaimed, yanking over the freezer door and taking up her agents advice on chocolate ice cream.

* * *

><p>"Sweetie, come in here for a sec," Leonard called from the bedroom, grinning.<p>

"Aw, but the movie just started!" Penny shut off the television as she stood, putting down her already empty ice cream bowl. "Oh well, it didn't look like it was gonna be good anyway." Shuffling down the hallway, she smiled as she saw Leonard's grin. "What're you so happy about?"

"Nothing." Leonard shrugged innocently. "Just wash up and get dressed. I have a surprise for you."

"Ooh, a surprise?" Penny raised her brows excitedly. "Is this a get dressed _with _underwear or a get dressed but leave out the underwear kinda surprise?"

"I would wear underwear." Leonard advised, tilting his head to the side. "Let me know when you're done."

"Alright."

Waiting until Penny had made her way into the bathroom and he heard the shower start, Leonard quickly set about having everything ready for when she came back out. He managed to have time to wash up their dishes and her ice-cream bowl (after laughing at her for having ice-cream in the morning) before she came out into the front room, where her eyes went wide at the sight of two suitcases by the front door.

"Why... why are there suitcases? What's going on?"

Picking up an envelope from the dining table, Leonard handed it over to her. "Open it."

Raising a brow suspiciously at him, Penny opened the envelope and gasped. "Oh my _God_!" She slapped his arm, her face alight with joy. "New York! Are you serious? _Now_? Is this what the suitcases are for? Shut _up_!"

"Yup!" Leonard grinned proudly, taking her free hand. "We'll have this evening there, all of tomorrow and practically all of Monday. We'll be back here late Monday night - I figured that would work well since you're not in Tuesday mornings and I took Tuesday morning off too."

"Seriously, shut up! You are the _best_!" Penny squealed, slapping his arm repeatedly.

"Ow, okay, I'm gonna need that arm you know." He chuckled slightly. "Now c'mon, let's go, we have a flight to catch." Before he'd even finished his sentence, Penny was already at the front door, picking up her passport from on top of the suitcase and shoving it into her handbag, which she flung over her shoulder eagerly, narrowly missing hitting Leonard's arm.

* * *

><p>"Is somebody sleepy?" Leonard chuckled, as Penny curled up beside him in the back of the taxi.<p>

"Little bit." Penny nodded, yawning.

"Well, we're almost home now, and then we can go straight to bed." Leonard placed an arm around her, gently rubbing at her skin.

"But all my pretty shopping needs to be put away in my pretty closet."

"You can do that tomorrow after college, and until then just think of the excitement of getting to look at it all and put it away in the closet to show off."

"Mm. I like that." Penny giggled. "Thank you for all the shopping fun. And for this weekend. I feel like we haven't got to spend as much time together as we normally would; this was nice."

"I know." Leonard agreed. "I think we just got caught up in getting back into a busy routine. We needed this break."

"Yes. Plus it was New York and you have _excellent _taste in hotel rooms." Penny grinned up at him, tapping his chin. "Love you."

"Love you too." Leonard smiled, planting a kiss on her forehead. "Listen, how about we make this a thing?"

"What, jetting off to New York every weekend? I don't think I can cope with _that _much travelling."

"No, no, not New York." Leonard chuckled. "But just... doing stuff together on the weekends. It's nice."

"Yeah. I'd like that. You've been a good Romance Ninja this weekend."

"I try my best. Oh, here we are. Come on." Patting her leg slightly, he opened the door as Penny sat up and undid her seatbelt. He got out first, helping her out while the driver took their luggage out of the boot (they'd bought a new hold-all for Penny's excessive shopping) before paying. As they began making their way into the apartment building, his own tiredness started to hit him and he yawned widely.

"Is somebody sleepy?" Penny asked in imitation of his earlier question, grinning.

"Little bit."

* * *

><p>"Penny? You okay?" Leonard asked cautiously, pulling off his jacket and placing his laptop bag on the armchair.<p>

Looking up from where she was curled up on the couch with his blue snuggie and a mug of tea, Penny pouted her lips together. "I had my audition today for that commercial."

"How did it go?" He sat down next to her, placing a hand over her leg and putting his feet up on the coffee table.

"Mm. I dunno." Penny shrugged doubtfully. "I could have done better, it was really nerve-wracking knowing the people they'd already cast in the commercial and that really freaked me out. And all those other blonde bitches were _really _good."

"Even if they _were _really good, they might not be what they're looking for. They asked for you to audition, so you have something that they don't." Leonard tried to assure her.

"Maybe. But I just... I don't feel like I did after the last one. It was the same people so I thought I'd just walk in there and be all at ease but it just made it scarier for some reason, having to prove myself to them _again _and against people who are _way _better than me." Penny frowned. "I dunno, Leonard. I just don't think it went that well."

"Don't think like that. I'll bet you did a lot better than you did, you just don't realize it." Leonard smiled at her, hoping to cheer her up a little. "Sometimes when you're doubting your performance and over-analyzing everything, those can be the times you did the best and you didn't even realize it at the time."

"I hope so. But it doesn't feel like that." Penny sighed, dropping her head to his shoulder. "Thanks for trying to cheer me up though."

"You want some strawberries and chocolate?" Leonard asked, knowing he would be less worried if she cheered up a little, and that food cheered her up most of the time. "I could get some fresh while I pick up the takeaway later?"

"Ooh. Yeah, that would be nice." Penny nodded. "How was work?"

"It was alright, nothing new happened in physics." Leonard chuckled. "Though Sheldon did tell me that last night, Amy fell asleep on the couch leaning on his shoulder. Apparently he had to 'endure' this until she woke up, and watched Babylon 5 because he couldn't reach over to get the remote in case he woke her."

"Aww, that's cute... in a Sheldon-y way." Penny smiled. "All Amy sent me last night was 'I fell asleep on Sheldon's shoulder and he let me stay there!' but I was too tired to reply. Oops. I'll call her later and get her to catch me up."

"Good idea. She's probably bursting to tell her bestie all about it." Leonard grinned. "Even Sheldon didn't look too bothered about having to 'endure' it."

"Well obviously Sheldon isn't going to _admit _to liking it." Penny rolled her eyes. "He's a peculiar little whackadoodle, saying he likes any form of affection or romantic human contact is far beyond him."

"True... so really, he's the exact opposite of you. Especially the romantic human contact part." Leonard teased.

"You bet." Penny grinned, biting her lip as she raised a brow at him. "Especially because you're my Romance Ninja."

At her expression, Leonard felt a small weight lift off of his shoulders - Penny seemed to feel better than she had been moments ago about her audition. He knew if she was down about an audition that she took it hard, so when she cheered up it made him relax a little. "Hey, next week I'm setting up that experiment I told you you'd like if you have some time to swing by... say the middle of the week?"

"Ooh, I can make some time to swing by." Penny smirked. "How does Wednesday afternoon sound?"

"I'll have it all properly set up by then, and warmed up for the day. Perfect."

"I look forward to it." Penny wiggled her eyebrows at him. "But I'm hungry now, lets order some takeaway and then you can go pick up those strawberries."

* * *

><p>"Oh my God!" Penny gasped, her eyes widening at a notification on her phone screen.<p>

"What?" Bernadette asked sharply, Penny's tone making her panic.

"My first essay grade from college!" Penny squealed through gritted teeth. "It's up! They just sent an email saying to log in and look!"

"Go look!" Amy jumped up and hurried over to Penny's side.

"I need a laptop!"

"Here!" Bernadette ran over to fetch her laptop from the dining table over to the couch, placing it on Penny's lap.

"Okay, okay." Taking a deep breath, Penny opened the laptop and headed onto the internet, where she typed in her college online section and then logged in. "Okay, here we go. Here we _go_."

"I'm sure you did amazing, bestie." Amy assured her, upon seeing the nervous expression on Penny's face. "You worked really hard."

"I know. That's why I'm so nervous. I really want it to be good." Penny nodded, furrowing her brows as she nibbled on her lower lip, hovering the pointer over the link that would take her to her grade.

"From what we saw, the essay was _really _good." Bernadette said calmly, with an encouraging smile. "I'll bet you did amazing."

"Uh-huh."

Silence passed for a moment, before Bernadette anxiously burst out with "oh just click the thing already!"

"Alright, alright!" Penny waved a hand in Bernadette's direction to shush her, before taking another deep breath and clicking on the link. "Oh my God."

"Oh my _God_!" Amy and Bernadette gasped in unison.

"I have to call Leonard." Penny stood as the words tumbled out of her mouth, walking out of the couch area to pace around Bernadette's apartment.

"Hey!" Bernadette gasped as her laptop fell from Penny's lap to the floor. "Careful, that's new!"

"Yeah, yeah, sorry," Penny dismissed, chewing her lip as she hit the call button and placed the phone to her ear. "Leonard? Hey, I got my grade. Yeah." There was a pause, before Penny burst into a grin and jumped excitedly on the spot. "I got an A!" She screamed, punching the air. "I know! Thank you! Oh my God, I'm so happy. Ugh, whatever, Sheldon can suck on my A! No, okay, I'll let you get back to your Halo tournament, I'm gonna call Mom. Alright, bye sweetie."

"They're _still _playing Halo?" Amy asked with an annoyed sigh. "Sheldon already had to put on his wrist strap yesterday after he'd been practicing, I can't believe he's still at it."

"Yeah, crazy." Penny nodded, quickly finding her mother on her calls list and putting the phone to her ear again.

"It's so adorable how excited she is." Amy grinned at Bernadette.

"I know. She was working really hard, and I guess in school she never got this kind of grade on her own." Bernadette shrugged with a smile. "It's sweet, she looks so happy."

* * *

><p>"Hey, sweetheart!" Meryl grinned as she answered her daughter's call. "This is a nice surprise."<p>

"Mom, guess what?" Penny said, the second her mother had finished her greeting.

"What?"

"I got my grade back from college, I got an A! An _A_! All on my own!"

"Oh my God! That's amazing, I'm so proud. Well done, love."

"Thanks, Mom." Penny grinned into the phone. "I got a few A grades in some of my other things, but this is _way _more exciting because it was a harder essay on a higher level of what I was doing in London - and I did it!"

"Well, that's wonderful."

"Oh my God, I worked so hard, it was so stressful. Like, literally, I just sat at my laptop all evening surrounded by books and all my notes and stuff from my classes, Leonard was in shock, he's never seen me like that. But I guess it paid off!"

"I guess your classes are going well then?"

"Yeah, I'm loving it. It's really difficult, some of the stuff, but I can get my head around it for the most part. I didn't think I'd enjoy doing it all properly like this, going to lectures and seminars and stuff, but it's really good. I'm so happy I chose to do this."

"Glad to hear it. You seem to be doing really well. How are the auditions going? Are you managing to fit them in?" Meryl asked, her previous concern for Penny taking on too much so quickly settling in now that she had the chance to talk to her properly and they were on the subject.

"Yeah, I am. I had one for a huge commercial thing but I'm not sure how it went, I'll find out soon though." Penny shrugged. "But, you know, it's not the only thing on my mind these days so I'm okay with that."

"I'm sure you did better than you think. How's Leonard?"

"Oh, Leonard's great." Penny smiled. "He's enjoying being back at work, and he doesn't have the stress of having to chauffer Sheldon around, so... it's going well for him, yeah. He's really happy."

"Aw, that's good. I'm glad. You both seem to be doing well." Meryl smiled, relaxing at Penny's happy, confident tone.

"We are." Penny agreed, a dreamy smile on her face. "You know what? Things are _amazing _right now. And I think they're going to keep getting better."

"I think so too, by the sounds of it. I'm happy for you, sweetheart. By the ways, those photos from New York on your Facebook are lovely. You look like you had an amazing time."

"Oh, it was the absolute _best_! It was Leonard's treat, we hadn't spent as much time together as usual because we were both so busy, and we had a long weekend so he took me there. It was _so _good. His choice of hotels is perfect. And we did a _lot _of shopping. Well, _I _did a lot of shopping." Penny gushed, giggling at the end. "Leonard just drank a lot of coffee to keep up with all my shopping."

"As long as you didn't disturb the people in the rooms next to you in the hotel or break any furniture."

"_Mom_!"

"What? Your own fault for telling me about that."

"Hey, it's the wine's fault." Penny pointed out sternly.

"Alright." Meryl laughed. "I'm gonna go, I'll let you go celebrate your good grades."

"Okay. I'm just at Bernadette's, Leonard's at Sheldon's having a Halo tournament but I'm getting kinda tired so I'll have to rescue him soon and go home. I'm gonna celebrate with sleep, I think."

"Yeah, sleep." Meryl snorted. "You also taught me about the phrase 'Romance Ninja' so... we know how that's all gonna go!"

"Seriously Mom, stop it." Penny rolled her eyes. "I'll speak to you soon."

"You too. Enjoy your sleep-slash-celebrating!"


	13. One Hundred Hurdles

Leonard had known Penny for nine years. It had taken six years for Penny to tell him that she loved him, and only three years for Leonard to tell Penny that he loved her. A lot had happened in those years in between, and he had felt all the emotions under the sun, from earth-shatteringly heartbroken, to overwhelmed with happiness, and everything in between.

But it took five words in two seconds for him to experience his world coming to a fatal halt.

"Penny is at the hospital."

It felt as though he'd just been thrown against a concrete wall. "W-what?"

"Sir, we need you to come to the hospital. You're listed as her emergency contact. You _did _just say you're Leonard Hofstadter."

"Yes, I did, that's me. I'm on my way." The words rushed out of his mouth as he stood abruptly, shoving his laptop into his bag and pulling out his keys. For a few moments he had stopped thinking, but his mind managed to prompt the vital question of "what happened?"

"The Doctor will explain once you get here. If you come to Ward C reception, you will be told where to go."

"O-okay. Thank you." Leonard hung up the phone and locked the door, before sprinting to his car. Feeling light-headed, he took two puffs from his inhaler before driving off. He was sure he drove at speeds Penny hadn't even achieved, not caring about the drivers he irritated in his attempt to get to his destination as soon as physically possible. He heard his laptop bag fall with a thud off the back seat where he'd thrown it and onto the floor but didn't care. As soon as he'd parked his car and locked it, he practically flew through the hospital to Ward C. He'd only ever been to the ER and Ward A, for his asthma, and didn't even read which departments came under Ward C. As he waited a few seconds at the reception for the person before him to be directed, he took another couple of puffs before it was his turn. "Leonard Hofstadter. I was called to come here... I'm here for Penny."

"Oh, yes, Leonard Hofstadter, we were told you're on your way. That was quick."

"Could someone please explain what's happening?"

"I'll find one of the nurses on her case."

"Her _case_?" Leonard repeated in disbelief, but received no answer as the receptionist went to locate the nurse in question. Pacing the length of the waiting room, Leonard groaned in frustration. How long did it take to locate a nurse? This was a hospital, the place was full of them.

"Leonard Hofstadter?"

"Yes." Leonard's head snapped up from where he'd been gazing intently at the floor, to find a nurse standing in front of the double doors leading into the main ward. He rushed over to her. "What's happening?"

"I'm Christine, Penny's nurse. If you'd like to follow me through to the office."

If you'd _like_ to? Leonard almost scoffed at her word choice, but followed her silently, wishing somebody would just explain what was happening. She opened the third door on the left and let him in, and he sat in one of the seats in front of the desk. Rather than sitting behind the desk, she took the one next to him.

"From what we understand, you are Penny's boyfriend, correct?"

"Yeah."

"Were you aware that she was pregnant?"

"She... she's pregnant? Wait, what do you mean, _was_?" Leonard suddenly felt sick. "Can you just tell me what's going on!"

"Leonard..." Christine paused. This part never got any easier, but had learned the best way to be straight-to-the-point. "Penny came in this morning for a ten-week scan and check-up, but there was no heartbeat."

"Oh my God." Leonard's head dropped into his hands.

"She opted for surgical management of miscarriage, and with her history of depression, we agreed to perform it immediately, so as to prevent further distress."

Running his hands over his face, he held them over his mouth for a moment before they dropped helplessly back to his knees. "So she... where is she? How is she now? Can I see her?"

"She's in room 208, turn left at the end of the corridor and her room is on the right hand side. She's been very quiet, I think she needs you there."

"Oh my God. No." Leonard shot up from his chair, almost knocking it over from the sudden movement, and he was running again. Left at the end of the corridor like he'd been told, before slowing down to read the room numbers. Locating 208, he took a deep breath, knocking before he headed inside.

There were many things to take in. The hospital gown she was wearing, her dress she'd put on this morning folded neatly over the chair to the side along with her shoes and handbag, the chart and collection of medical equipment at a cabinet to the side. But the first thing he saw was the blank expression on Penny's face and her hands tucked beneath the thin blanket covering her.

"Penny." His voice cracked. It was painful just to look at her. Her eyes met his. He knew exactly what she was doing, and it only made things more difficult, but he was determined. "Stop."

"No."

"Please stop."

"I don't want to."

Her voice was worryingly stern, sure and steady. As he moved closer, Leonard could see the pain in her eyes, despite her unwavering expression. With surprisingly steady hands, he moved the blanket down slightly. As he had fearfully expected, her hands were curled into fists so tight he could see the strain in her hands and arms. There was a bandage-like patch over where he assumed the cannula had been earlier, the adhesive plastic wrinkling over her forced taut skin. His stomach did a flip and he put his hands gently over her fists. "Penny," he said softly, lifting his gaze back up to her eyes, "please. Please don't do this. I know you're upset and hurting but please... please don't do this."

"I want to. I have to." Penny corrected herself, shaking her head. "I deserve it. I lost our baby, Leonard." Her lip trembled for a moment, but she regained herself. "I want to hurt."

"This isn't a healthy way of coping." Leonard said, at a loss. He had never had to stop Penny from doing this.

"My heart is in so much pain right now, Leonard, I can't bear it. It's too much. I need to do this. It doesn't hurt enough yet."

His heart felt as though it had just swollen and sunk into his stomach. It was breaking him to see her like this, and he felt incredibly helpless and overwhelmingly protective at the same time. "Penny, you don't need to hurt yourself." He tried to unfurl her fists, but she was strong even when she was weak.

Snatching her hands away from him up beneath her chin, she glared at him. "Stop it!"

Blinking in shock, he frowned. "Penny-"

"Stop it!" Penny shouted. "Just let me do this, Leonard! _Let me do this._"

A flash of hurt shot through him, but his mind wouldn't let go of the knowledge that _she _was the one who had just gone through this, she was suffering and she was vulnerable. All he wanted to do in that moment was put his arms around her and pull her into an embrace. But right know, he knew that she needed him to understand what she was feeling, and that wasn't something solved by a hug.

"Penny." Leonard said, his voice firmer this time. He trailed his hands soothingly up her arms, and he thought he saw some of the anger fade in her eyes. He could almost see the million things that were running through her mind in that moment. "I know this is difficult." He placed his hands over her fists, slowly bringing them away from her chin, but still close to her body. "But you can't hurt yourself for this." Miraculously, her grip had loosened enough for him to intertwine his fingers with hers, but she kept them protectively close to her chest. "It wasn't your fault."

"Yes it is." Penny snapped, trying to snatch her hands back from his, but he kept his fingers clasped tight. "Leonard."

"No."

"Stop it. You can't make me stop."

Her grip on him tightened, but he wasn't sure if it was from anger or for support. "I know, but I can try. Penny, don't do this."

"I will do what I want!" Penny snapped, shouting this time. "I can't carry a baby, but I can do this to myself, and you _cannot _stop me! Okay? I had no control over what happened with my pregnancy, but I _am _in control of this, so just stop trying to stop me!"

"No, Penny, that's the thing, you're _not _in control of this, you _think _you are. Doing this isn't going to lessen how you feel. You _do not _deserve to hurt yourself." Leonard insisted, trying to keep his voice calm to avoid aggravating her further.

"Yes. I. _Do_!" Penny's face crumpled, and Leonard suddenly realized how hard she was gripping his hands. "I lost our _baby_, Leonard! My body was made for this, I was supposed to be able to shelter it and keep it safe and I couldn't even do that! _Ten weeks_, Leonard, _ten weeks_. I couldn't even get it through _ten weeks_, let alone nine months, or eighteen years. So if I need a way of coping with the fact that the child I was supposed to protect for the rest of my life couldn't make it through ten weeks, don't start telling me about what I do or don't deserve! Because I do, I do deserve to hurt, a lot."

Leonard inhaled sharply as Penny dug her nails forcefully into his skin, but he could tell that she wasn't aware she was doing it. He didn't remove his hands from hers. If she needed an outlet, he'd rather he got hurt that her - she was in enough pain, and she'd put herself in even more as it was. He wanted to take her pain away, and if this was how, then he was going to do it.

"You don't deserve to hurt yourself." Leonard repeated, softly this time. "Unfortunately, these things happen. But it's not your fault. I know that it hurts, but piling onto that with even more pain isn't going to solve anything. It's not your fault, Penny."

"I should have tried harder." Penny finally broke, her body heaving forward as tears began to fall from her eyes. "I was so stressed out, and you kept telling me I needed to relax more, you didn't even know, but I didn't listen. You were just trying to look out for me and I didn't even think of the baby. I should have listened to you. I did everything they told me to - one cup of coffee per day maximum, no alcohol, eat healthily, get enough rest... I just didn't stop to listen to you or think about stress being part of any of that. I only thought about my grade and myself. I'm so happy with that A but I would have been happy with a C if that meant we still had a baby."

"Penny-"

"And I didn't even get to tell you." Penny said in a whisper, her grip on his hands loosening. "This wasn't meant to happen. You didn't even get to say hello to the baby, or say goodbye... oh God. I'm horrible. Don't hate me. I'm sorry. But I just... I had a plan. For once in my life I had a plan. I was going to surprise you when I had the scan from this one because it would be clearer, and they said they'd give me a disc and I was going to put it on when you came home from work... and then when you said about your lab it was perfect, I was going to just turn up and you'd show me the experiment and then I'd show you the scan. It was going to be a surprise. Six weeks I've known and I had this all planned out and in the end it just meant you never got to meet our baby."

"I'm sorry about that too." Leonard said sadly, stroking his thumbs against her skin. "But I don't hate you, and you're not a horrible person. You planned something really sweet and it didn't work out, that can't be helped."

"I tried so hard, Leonard." At this point, Penny's voice was weak and cracking, her grip loosened but now holding his hands for support; her strength had gone, but in talking to Leonard she'd finally been able to get the emotional release she'd been holding in since she'd received the news. "The alcohol wasn't such a big problem to hide. When the girls asked I just said that since I hadn't drunk anything the whole time I was away, which was true; and they didn't ask further because they're scared to ask more. A blessing in disguise, I suppose. And I only had a cup of coffee if I was with you, most mornings I was up either before or after you so I just didn't have any. I did everything they told me. And what do I get in return? This. I come here, expecting to leave all happy and go over to your lab and..." Penny whimpered as she placed her forehead against his, closing her eyes. "There was no heartbeat, Leonard."

"Oh, Penny."

Leonard wrapped his arms around her, and he instantly felt her sobbing into his shoulder, her hands moving to grip his back. He could feel all of her pain falling from her, every single bit that she'd been holding in and keeping to herself no longer being held back. He always admired her for being strong, but sometimes her strength was her weakness. His own mind tried to comprehend how all of this had happened; how Penny had finally gotten to a place where she was happy with everything in her life and then had it so quickly snatched away from her. It wasn't fair, Leonard thought as a flash of anger struck through him. Why was it that the people who fought the hardest and suffered the most had to continue fighting and hurting? Penny didn't deserve this. This would hit any woman hard, and Penny had only recently found herself back on her feet, the last thing she needed was this to overshadow her hard work. Leonard's flash of anger was replaced with pain and the strongest need to protect her; an overwhelming will to do anything he possibly could to help her through this and ensure she didn't have to go through this alone. He'd left her once, which was already one time too many, and he knew in that moment that whatever she needed to find her way out of this misery, he would provide it.

"Leonard?"

The vulnerability in her voice made him want to hold her forever, but he pulled away to look at her. Wiping her cheeks gently with his thumbs, he attempted to give her a reassuring smile. "Yes?"

"Can we go home now?" Her lip trembled slightly as she looked at him. "I don't want to be here anymore. I need to get out of this gown."

"Of course."

Slowly, he got up and helped her sit on the edge of the bed. She undid the gown herself as he retrieved her clothes, letting her dress herself. While he felt the need to help her with every little thing she did, he knew that she was still able to do things on her own and that it was important for her to not be smothered by him trying to do everything for her. She very gladly tossed her gown into the medical waste bin, and didn't so much as look back as they left the room to return to the reception. As expected, she was slightly slow and weak as she walked, but didn't show it in her face, simply holding onto him for support.

"Penny?"

The two of them turned around at the hurried voice behind them, finding an incredibly worried-looking Ellen coming to a halt as they too stopped walking.

Penny mustered a subdued "hi" in response. She'd almost forgotten telling the nurses that she already had a therapist so wouldn't need someone to come and talk to her, after angrily insisting that she was fine making the decision for surgical management on her own. Part of her was glad to see Ellen, as she knew that next to Leonard, she was the one person who understood her and would let her talk through things in her own way. At the same time, she wished that Ellen wasn't there; it was like a reminder that she'd once more managed to end up in more pain than she could mentally handle.

"The nurse called... I am _so _sorry." Ellen put a sympathetic hand on Penny's arm, and another on Leonard's.

"It's..." Penny trailed off quickly. She had wanted to say 'okay', but this situation was as far from it as possible.

"I have an office downstairs here. Do you want to come and talk? Or just sit with me for a little while before you go home?" Ellen offered the couple.

Penny nodded slowly. "Can I?" As much as she was desperate to get out of the hospital, she couldn't forget the weeks she'd spent refusing to leave her apartment, and how in the end even just sitting in Ellen's practice office had been effective in giving herself some space to think.

"Of course you can. Leonard?"

Leonard shook his head. "I'll just fill out the discharge papers."

Ellen looked at him for a moment and then nodded. "Okay."

He watched as Ellen and Penny left, finding himself rooted to the spot until they turned the corner and he could no longer see them. Knowing that she was in safe hands, he sighed and continued toward the reception desk, glumly asking for the discharge papers. As he sat down to fill them out and sign them, the nurse he had spoken to earlier came to sit with him and go over what to expect and give him a small bag of painkillers for Penny, as well as the direct phone number of the ward should they need it. Once he'd signed everything, he sat back down and waited.

How had he not noticed anything? Leonard knew he overthought everything, so how had he not picked up on anything different? He tried to go through it logically. She had told him very early on that alcohol was something she had avoided when she was depressed; even in London she wouldn't have more than half a glass if she'd ordered it with dinner with him. She was right about the coffee - they usually only got to have breakfast together on weekends, so it wasn't something he really noticed. Though in retrospect, he had never seen a used mug in the sink with her breakfast plate if she hadn't had enough time to wash up before leaving, and the coffee maker was always full when he was up later than her. He'd attributed her tiredness to college and auditions. There weren't really any other signs that he could think of, but he still felt as though he should have known without her telling him. Usually he could read her like a book. She really had done a wonderful job of keeping it a surprise, he thought sadly. It _did _surprise him that she had been so happy about being pregnant - he had thought that this was something that would scare her, although so much had changed in the past two years that perhaps the prospect of this exciting addition to their fresh start had been a positive sign in her life. And it's not as though neither of them hadn't thought about it - they _had _gotten a three-bedroom apartment. Even though they hadn't said it, the implication was there that some day those rooms would be bedrooms rather than an office and closet.

He was shaken from his deep thoughts by the return of Penny and Ellen into the waiting room, and the clock on the wall told him he'd been sat thinking for a lot longer than it felt like he had. Penny seemed to look a little calmer now, as though some of the weight had been lifted off her shoulders and the blame she'd been putting on herself was somewhat fading. They stopped at the reception, before Ellen walked over and sat beside him.

"She needs to sign the discharge papers too, and they'll want to talk to her a little." Ellen explained. "How are you holding up?"

Leonard shrugged. "It's... I don't know. I didn't know she was pregnant so this is all a lot to take in at once. I guess I just need some time to take it in."

"I know, it's a lot of news in one day. I'm so sorry, Leonard."

"Above all of that I just want to make sure Penny's going to be okay."

"She will be." Ellen smiled encouragingly. "Yes, she's shaken, she's upset and confused... but it's Penny. She's strong. Incredibly so. She's doing better than I expected. It worries me that she turned to hurting herself to try and cope with all of this. Sadly, she's not the only patient I've seen that's done this. But she was very open about it, which is a good thing. I didn't even think she would talk much but she had a lot to say."

"That's good, right?"

"It's very good. Just give Penny some time. Let her have some control over how she deals with this. It will work out better. If you're not sure about something she says or wants to do, let her have some time and she'll probably realise a better solution herself. But just make sure that it doesn't backfire - I trust that she knows how to cope, it's breakdowns that are her worst point - so keep an eye on her. If she starts doing something that worries you, talk to her, get her to talk to you."

"Okay. I will." Leonard nodded.

"She said she doesn't want to start therapy sessions again, but that she'll call me in a few days time. If she hasn't called by the weekend I'll call you on Monday to make sure that everything is okay, but I trust her with this. You'll need to trust her with this too."

"I do. It's just scary when she hurts herself like that. That's the hardest part."

"If it helps, you do seem to know how to deal with it when it happens. Hopefully, she won't resort to it again. I know we said that it wasn't going to happen again but this was a _major _trigger for her. It's tough. And she hates it happening as much as you do. But the good thing is that she isn't hiding it or holding back why she did it."

Leonard bobbed his head once in understanding. "Alright. Thank you."

"And you know to call me should anything happen."

"Yeah, I do. Thank you, Ellen."

"I'm here whenever you need me. It looks like Penny's done now, so I'll let you two get going. You don't need to be here longer than necessary."

They said goodbye, and Ellen gave a small wave to Penny, which she returned as the nurse left her. Leonard pocketed the bag of painkillers and leaflets the nurse had given him and walked over to Penny, kissing her forehead gently before brushing a strand of hair behind her ear. "Hey. You ready to go home?"

Penny took Leonard's hand, intertwining their fingers. "Yeah."

Considering it a good sign that Penny wasn't distancing herself from him or shying away from physical contact, Leonard gave her a small smile before heading back the way he had come in to take her to the car. He couldn't help his eyes flickering to her hands every so often on the quiet drive home, or the niggling worry that she might start doing it again without realizing as a reflex. She spent most of the time looking blankly out of the passenger side window, taking in the familiar scenery with disinterest. He was beginning to wonder if she'd get angry if he noticed how often he was looking at her hands when she next spoke.

"My car."

"What?"

"I got to the hospital by car. It's still there."

"Oh." Leonard breathed a small sigh of relief, though he couldn't tell why he'd started worrying about her two words in the first place. "I'll come back for it tomorrow."

"I'll go with you. I can drive it back."

"That's okay, you don't have to."

"Leonard." Penny turned her head to look at him, her voice soft, eyes pleading. "I don't want this to stop anything that is happening now in our lives. It shouldn't... I just want to continue on. Please? Just... I know I'm upset, and that this is really difficult for the both of us. But I want, I _need _to keep going or I'm going to let this get to me and I don't want to go back to the way I was two years ago. I'm going to need, more than _anything_, for you to help me, and I will help you too because this is as bad for you as it is for me, but I am really going to need your support, Leonard. Please?"

He nodded. While he knew that what she needed was rest and some time to recover both physically and emotionally, he also knew that Penny was very defensive with both of these things. Like all people, she needed her barriers, even around her loved ones. Leonard trusted her enough to lower these and realize in her own time that she wouldn't be able to jump so quickly back into her normal routine as readily as she wanted to. However, he also knew that Penny knew herself well enough in her weakest moments to decide on her best course of action. If she was certain that she _needed _to return to her usual routine that quickly to get herself back on her feet, then he also trusted her to make that judgment call on her own. Yes, she was incredibly upset, but she had the right to make this decision for herself, and not be pestered with what he thought she should do. She had battled depression and he admired her for that; so where it came down to being torn between wanting to press how important it was she had some recovery time and letting her be in control of her own recovery path, he knew he could never argue with what she thought was best for herself. He reached over to lightly pat her knee. "Of course."

Penny took a deep breath, looking at him for a few seconds, before looking down at his hand on her knee. "Thank you." Biting lightly on her lip, she slowly moved her hand over the top of his, gently at first, before her fingers gripped his for reassurance as she spoke. "There is a reason I don't tell people things that happen to me. People judge you and they can't help it, but they treat you differently. I'm already the girl who was depressed, and the girl who left her life behind. I know you're going to say that I'm also the girl who fought hard to get her life back on track and did it. But that's not what people see. So many people looked at me with this... judgement, whenever they saw my hands. Even other people waiting for appointments did it. I'm the girl who cuts her hands, the girl who self harms. No, _harmed_. I'm not that girl but that's who I was to some people. A baby is... it's special. It's private. It's the two of us. I don't want to be the girl who had a miscarriage, Leonard. I don't want our friends to treat me any differently. They won't mean to but they will, they're still cautious around me from two years ago and... God, it's horrible, I know they're only trying to be nice. Depression is one hurdle, but losing a baby is one hundred hurdles. But I can't... I just want to be Penny. You, and Ellen, you're the only people who don't look at me as though something is going to set me off any moment if you say something wrong, or look at me like everyone else does. And as much stress as this has all been for you, Leonard, you have _always _looked at me as Penny and that's why I can share these things with you. It's difficult to be around people who don't get that." Penny's bottom lip quivered, and she shook her head. "I just want to be Penny."


	14. Not the Right Time

Leonard winced internally as Penny's hands flew away from the mug she was trying to hold, emitting a sharp hiss as she did so. Bringing her hands face up to inspect them, he watched as she looked them over before pulling her sleeves down to cover them before cradling the mug again and picking it up. Carefully, she carried it over to the coffee table.

"Here," she said, putting it down on the coaster for him, before going back to collect hers in the same fashion. He had offered to make them tea, but she had insisted on making it herself and he didn't want to argue with her. As she sat down beside him, she released a sigh. "It hurts when I try to pick them up by the handles." Lifting her hands up again, she frowned in disappointment before turning her head to look at him. "I must have put a lot of energy into that."

"You were in a lot of pain. I don't think you noticed at the time how much force you were using to do that; you said that you needed it to hurt more." Leonard replied softly, taking her hands gently between his. "They'll get better."

"Oh my God." Penny gasped as she saw the little marks by his knuckles. She knew by the identical shape and size to the cuts on her hand that those marks on his hands were her doing. "Did I do that?"

Hesitating, Leonard shrugged. "It's okay. You needed to let it out. It doesn't hurt."

"I'm so sorry." Penny looked up at him apologetically, her bottom lip beginning to tremble. "What is wrong with me? I keep hurting you! Why don't I ever listen to you? I'm sorry, Leonard. I'm so sorry."

Bringing one hand up to cup her cheek, Leonard stroked her skin with his thumb. "Penny, listen to me, you didn't mean it. It's okay. I would much rather you did that to me than to yourself."

"But-"

"Penny."

For a moment, she looked as though she was going to challenge him. But her face softened, and she nodded. "Okay. I'm sorry." Lifting a hand to his, she mustered the smallest of smiles. "Leonard?"

"Yeah?"

"I love you."

His heart warmed at her words, and he returned her smile. "I love you too."

Turning away to face the television, she curled her legs up beneath her. "Let's watch a film. I need to stop thinking for a while."

"Okay. What do you want to watch?" He had gotten used to Penny's will to distract herself from too much emotional attachment; he had found himself doing it too.

"Anything." Penny shrugged, before correcting herself. "Anything without... babies, or pregnancy, or... just, one of your films that I hate. That's what I want to watch right now."

"You sure? There are other films-"

"I want to watch one of your films."

Getting up, he nodded as he walked over to the DVD shelf. "Sure. Anything in mind?"

"Just pick something. Just put something on and then come... come and hold me. Okay?"

* * *

><p>After spending the rest of the afternoon in relative quiet, too distracted to really do anything, Leonard and Penny retired to bed slightly earlier than usual. She insisted that she was fine to go in to college the following afternoon, but agreed to letting him take the morning off to be with her. Not only did this mean they'd be able to go and get her car and she'd have it for getting to college, but it meant that she had that extra time in his company. As much as she didn't want to admit it, she knew that he was aware how much she needed him to be there with her as much as he could. College would give her a distraction and guidance back into her life as normal, but she knew exactly what her struggle would be. He was her safety. She knew she was strong, and that she would get through the afternoon just fine without him. But having him around made her more comfortable. Not just for herself; she knew he was hurting too, and wouldn't admit that out of fear of upsetting her further. Leonard found himself hoping that perhaps Penny would change her mind about continuing her day as normal; he was still worried she was trying to move too fast, but also knew that trying to point this out to her would only make her more determined to go ahead. And if she really needed to go on as normal, then he wasn't going to stop her - after all, she knew what was best for herself.<p>

Penny fell asleep curled up against Leonard's body, exhausted in every possible way. Her hands were protectively held over her stomach, her forehead leaning on his shoulder. The usually peaceful expression on her face as she slept was replaced with a pained frown; even while resting her mind was still troubled.

Leonard, on the contrary, found himself unable to sleep, tired as he was. His mind refused to stop going over everything that had happened from the moment he had answered the phone up until the moment she had fallen asleep, not noticing that her own tears were landing on the sleeve of his t-shirt and saturating onto his skin. On top of those memories came the thoughts of what was going to happen now, how she must be feeling after wanting this to be a surprise for him, how he hadn't noticed anything before - when had he stopped being so observant? Was this the consequence of spending less time together and being so focused on their work - they just missed out the smaller details of each others lives? He knew it wasn't going to be easy immersing themselves in their separate lives so quickly and so fully, but he had never expected this. He hated how much he was learning that you only realize the important things when the worst happens.

Almost two hours later, thoughts still milling through his head, Leonard decided he needed to take Penny's advice and distract his mind from his own consuming thoughts. Carefully, he sat up, making sure he hadn't stirred Penny, before getting out of bed. Quietly padding across the bedroom, he shuffled his feet into his slippers as he pulled on his robe, tying it tightly before slipping out of the room and shutting the door. Navigating his way down the hall in darkness, he went into his office, once more closing the door before turning on the light. He went instantly to his laptop, switching it on and sitting back in his desk chair as it booted up. As soon as it had, he instantly loaded up his work, letting it override his emotional thoughts with distanced logical processes instead.

This worked for about half an hour, until he sat back for a moment to rub his eyes beneath the glasses as they began to ache from tiredness and staring at the screen so intently. As he sat up to stretch his spine slightly, twisting to the side, he frowned as his eyes swept the office.

_This could have been our child's room_.

Blinking, he stopped and took a breath.

_You could have been moving your office out and buying baby furniture. _

Shaking his head, he frowned and turned back to his screen. Apparently taking some time away from his thoughts meant they came back with some kind of personal torture form. He tried to focus back on his work again, but the same thoughts kept repeating themselves. Reminding him that this office could have been reverted back to it's original use as a bedroom, for their child. They could have been talking about decorating it and what furniture to buy, what toys they would need and whether they were going to have a boy or a girl. Arguing over if he should recite equations to her stomach or if she should be reading it plays or film quotes.

"Damnit, damnit, damnit!"

His elbows hit the desk as he yanked off his glasses and pressed his hands over his eyes, trying to prevent the tears that had formed from falling.

"Leonard?"

He wanted to lift his head at the sound of Penny's voice, but he didn't want her to see his tears. Maybe if he was still and quiet for long enough she would decide to just leave and he could cry without any guilt of making her feel worse. But instead, he felt her move his arms and sit herself in his lap, moving her forehead to his. For a moment, he thought she was going to be angry at him for crying, but she simply stayed as she was.

"You can cry too, you know." Penny said softly, once a couple of minutes had gone by and he hadn't said anything. "What's wrong?"

"This could have been the baby's room." Leonard replied after a moment, keeping his eyes closed.

"I know." Penny sighed sadly, her words almost a mumble. "But it still can be. Just not now. I thought about that earlier in my closet too."

"Once I started thinking about it I couldn't stop." Leonard admitted.

"That closet is one of my favorite things in the world. It's what I've always wanted. But I would so, _so _gladly keep all my things in our bedroom and build the storage with my own two hands to give that room up to our baby. I never thought I'd want to give up my dream closet, or be so willing to give anything up for a _baby_, but I am." Penny sniffled, her voice cracking as she spoke. Her eyes opened and she let a few tears fall down her cheeks. "But... we just have to remember that maybe this wasn't the right time to have a baby in the first place."

Leonard's eyes opened too. "What do you mean?"

Taking a deep breath, Penny looked into tear-filled eyes. "I got the part in that commercial."

Stunned, Leonard simply sat in silence as he took in the news. Somewhere, he was really happy for her, and incredibly proud. On any other day he would be kissing her, grinning widely. But right now, all of that was overshadowed. "Congratulations." He said, hoping it didn't sound as empty as it felt.

"I found out this morning. They called me. I... I was happy about it. I think I still am. I'm not sure. I can't tell. Everything seems... it feels like I _can't _be happy about it."

"You should be." Leonard brought a shaky hand up to stroke her arm. "You deserve to be happy."

"Maybe I will be eventually." Penny frowned thoughtfully, relaxing into Leonard's arms as he moved them to hold her. "Ellen was right about the conclusion I came to earlier."

Not sure if she wanted to expand or simply say it out loud as part of her own thought process, Leonard waited before tentatively asking "what was it?"

"It's just... not the right time to have a baby."

"Oh."

"It sounds bad, doesn't it?" Penny confessed, biting on her lower lip. "But we have _so _much going on right now in our lives. You have work and all these new grant proposals to work on, and I'm busy with college and auditions and now this commercial. There is a lot we'd have to sacrifice to be able to do this right now. We're only just getting used to how busy our lives are now, and really settling in to this all, but we're happy, we're happy with how things are, right? And sometimes I still can't believe how lucky I am, how _grateful _I am that you came back into my life. That is so important to me - that you're here, with me, and that we're both happy."

Leonard nodded slowly in understanding.

Continuing, Penny brought a hand to rest over his heart. "And we haven't even talked about kids yet. We got this amazing apartment but we've never spoken about it." Leaning forward, she kissed him delicately on the lips. "I was so happy to be pregnant and I know we would have worked it out and it would still be perfect. But I didn't think, that whole time, how it would actually affect us. I never considered how much we would have to give up to do this right now. Even if we're happy to give all of that up, there would still be consequences, it wouldn't be as easy as we'd need it to be at this point in our lives. So maybe... maybe it just wasn't the right time. And I love our baby so, so much, it hurts. Maybe we just needed to hurt together to learn to appreciate what we have right now and not rush into our future."

While it was a lot to take in in one go, Leonard couldn't help but admire the elegant way Penny had laid out her thoughts, not ignoring her emotions or honest opinions, but explaining her conclusion with reason and logic. Something that he knew was difficult to do, but also something he had known her to do before in London. Sadly, she was no stranger to having to balance logic and emotion with such sensitive, serious issues. "That's true. It makes sense, Penny, I just wish it didn't have to happen this way."

"Me neither. Come with me." Penny got up from his lap, holding out her hand. "I have to show you something important."

He took her hand, following her through to her closet, where she switched on the light and gestured for him to sit on the couch there. Watching as she pulled out her little stepladder to reach one of the top shelves, he tried not to let his mind get consumed by thoughts of this room also possibly being the room of their child. She rejoined him on the couch with an A4 book, placing it on her lap.

"This book was Ellen's suggestion when I first started therapy with her. It's kind of like a diary for when I need it most." Penny explained, flipping carefully through her book, placing her hand between the pages but not letting it open. "Most of it is private, but I want to show you this..."

Opening the book, she revealed the latest two pages to Leonard. On them was a set of scans. Underneath the one on the left, she had scribbled 'six weeks'. Beneath the scan on the right, she had neatly written 'ten weeks'.

"That's our baby, Leonard." Penny whispered, lightly running a finger along the two separate scans.

"Oh my God." Leonard simply stared at the photos, mouth slightly open, tears stinging at his eyes until he let them fall. He had never seem something so beautiful and heartbreaking all in one go. Even the change in the way she had written the weeks down felt tragic - one excited scrawl, one very factual and somber print. His eyes studied the small shape in each of the scans of what had been their baby. So small, yet so entirely precious. Instantly, he fell in love with the child he would never get to meet. "It's beautiful."

"It is, isn't it?" Penny responded thoughtfully, observing the scans for a moment longer before lifting her gaze to look at him. "We'll never get to meet it properly but we won't forget it. I think..." Penny took a deep breath, closing the book and putting a hand on his knee. "I think it's important to learn from these things, but to move on from them and be thankful for what you _do _have, and that you're strong enough to fight and learn from what hurts you."

Leonard put an arm around her, and she leaned into his side, dropping her head to rest on his shoulder.

"And I'm thankful that I have you." Penny added, bringing her arm around his back.

He refused to even begin to think about how much worse this could have been if this had happened while he was away and she was on her own. He squeezed her a little tighter to him. "I know. Me too. It's better to go through this together than alone."

Holding each other, the simply sat there for the next half hour, the closed book in Penny's lap. For the first time, neither of them used the silence to think, instead simply appreciating one another's presence and support.

"We should go back to bed." Penny said finally, sitting up. "We need our sleep."

"Yeah. I suppose we do." Leonard agreed.

Getting up, he watched as she went to put her book back on its shelf. He put an arm around her back as they walked back to the bedroom, where they took off their robes and got back into bed.

"I want to say a prayer." Penny said, sitting up. "But I don't know how. I've never really done it properly before. I feel like I should."

"I haven't either. It wasn't something we did in my family." Leonard sat up too. "The only time I've done it was when we went with Mary Cooper."

"Oh yeah. I remember that. Do you think our prayers were answered that time?"

"Well... I don't think mine were. But I think it worked out better that they didn't, wouldn't you?"

"Mine were." Penny said quietly, staring down at the end of the bed.

"Huh?"

"When you were all leaving. I stopped to quickly say another one. I thought if I don't say it out loud then it's more personal and maybe someone will listen." Penny admitted. "And I said, I know it's selfish but I want us to work out."

"Oh." Leonard's brows raised in surprise. After a moment, he said "Well, I'm glad that one worked out."

"Yeah. Me too." Penny took his hand, intertwining their fingers before shutting her eyes. "So I think that's how you have to pray. It has to be really important to you, and you need to be honest to yourself."

Leonard followed her cue and closed his eyes, squeezing her hand gently.

* * *

><p>"Leonard."<p>

Eyes shooting open at the sound of Penny's voice, Leonard turned his head to find her sitting up, leaning back against the headboard, covers drawn up to her neck. "What is it?"

"Where are the painkillers?"

"Are you okay?" Leonard asked, instantly jumping out of bed to grab the bag he had gotten from the nurse.

"The cramps hurt." Penny sighed, grabbing her bottle of water as he returned to the bed and skimmed over the instructions before handing her two pills.

"Cramps... yeah, it said about those in the leaflet. They're normal. But the nurse said that if they get really bad to take you to the hospital." Leonard recited, as she swallowed the pills with a few gulps of water.

"I know. It's fine. They're not that bad." Penny reassured him as she replaced the bottle lid.

"What about everything else?"

"Yeah, they told me what to do. Don't worry. It's just a little painful, that's all. Come back here." Penny patted his side of the bed.

As he shuffled back beside her, Leonard frowned. "The nurse also said you shouldn't drive until twenty-four hours after anesthetic-"

"It's okay, Leonard, by the time we get the car it'll have been twenty four hours already."

"But also the painkillers-"

"Leonard, it's fine, I can drive a car."

"Okay." Leonard nodded, putting a hand over hers. "I'm just worried."

"That I'm taking things too fast? Look, sweetie, I know you're worried, but... I promise, if something is wrong, or I don't feel up to something, I will tell you."

Looking at her for a moment, Leonard finally agreed with a simple "okay."

Fidgeting their joined fingers together, Penny stared worriedly down at their hands for a few minutes in silence as Leonard watched her. Finally, her face crumpled, her hands flying to cover her face. "I don't want to pick up my car or go to college."

"Oh, honey." Leonard wrapped his arms around her, holding her close to his chest. He could feel her sobbing lightly and rubbed her arm comfortingly, placing light kisses on the top of her head. "It's okay. You don't need to do any of that. Don't worry."

"I don't want you to go to work either." Penny whispered, dropping her hands to rest on his leg. "Please stay here with me."

"Of course I will." He spoke quietly, pulling her closer to him.

"I thought that I could do this but I can't."

"It's okay, nobody expects you to do this or get back on your feet so quickly." Leonard assured her. "I'll call the college and let them know you won't be in this week, and then we'll see how you feel after that. Okay?"

"Thank you." Nodding against him, Penny sniffed. "Will you stay with me?"

"I will stay here with you as long as you need me to." Leonard told her, something that seemed to reassure her as she began to calm down slightly. After a while, he asked carefully, "how are the cramps?"

"Better." Penny replied, sitting up slightly. He passed her a box of tissues and she took one, wiping at her eyes and nose. "I need to take a shower. Will you help me?"

It suddenly dawned on Leonard in that moment how a request could be changed by context and history. Twenty-four hours ago, this request would have been given to him in a flirtatious tone, her expression suggestive and knowing as she jumped out of bed and hurried off to the bathroom without the shadow of a doubt that he would readily follow her in there and that they would later leave grinning and satisfied. Now, it was going to be everything but. She was asking for the help she needed, both for the physical and emotional processes she was being put through. The nurse had explained to Leonard, as well as to Penny, that a hot shower would likely make her dizzy as her pressure changed in the heat. She had washed up quickly with his help the night before with the detachable showerhead, deciding that she'd wait until the following day for a proper shower when she wasn't so weary. The nurse had also explained the bleeding, which was normal, but did nothing to make either of them feel any better. On top of that, Penny still had a few hours until she fully recovered from the anesthetic, which made her that little bit more sensitive.

"I will." Leonard patted her leg lightly, before sitting up and getting out of bed. "You make your way over, I'll get you some clothes and stuff to get changed into."

"Make sure they match." Penny told him from the bed, as she turned to get up. "The blue sweat pants with the grey sweater. Yesterdays pink and purple was one of your worst clothing choices ever."

Turning to the dresser, Leonard allowed himself the smallest of truthful smiles. Awful as the situation was, at least some part of Penny was still there to make comments about clothes. He heard her walk into the bathroom, and allowed himself to release a sigh of relief. It was immensely reassuring to know that she could still be herself. He was also very glad that she had made the decision to stay home and not rush into things; it put his mind at ease, as he knew that had she decided to go forth with her plans of picking up her car and going to college, he would spend the entire afternoon worrying about her and watching his phone in case something happened while he wasn't with her. Collecting the clothes she had specified and picking out some comfortable underwear, he headed to the shower to help her with a stronger renewed promise to help her in every way he could.


	15. Working On It

That weekend, having been able to spend some time on her own and alone with Leonard, Penny decided to call her parents to let them know what had happened. It had been one of the most heartbreaking things that Leonard had witnessed, but he had sat by Penny supportively as she spoke to them and retold the events of the day. He was glad he couldn't hear what was happening on the other end, knowing that he'd feel even worse if he could hear the response of her worried parents. Afterwards, they sat on the couch, the phone on the coffee table in front of them. His fingers traced her arm absentmindedly until she let out a heavy sigh.

"What's wrong?" Leonard asked, though it sounded insensitive in retrospect to ask such a question when so much was obviously upsetting her.

Resting her head on his shoulder, Penny frowned. "Remember I told you how I didn't want people to treat or look at me differently just because I had a miscarriage?"

"Yeah, I do."

"My parents are doing it." Penny said half-heartedly, the thought of it still troubling her even though she was no longer talking to them. "I could hear it in their voices when they spoke, and the way they phrased things. It was horrible."

Unsure of what she meant or if she wanted to continue, Leonard tentatively asked, "What do you mean?" He had expected her to feel a little better after talking to her parents, but her current state suggested otherwise.

"I just... it didn't feel like they were talking to _me _anymore. They were all happy that I was calling them. Suddenly, I was their daughter who had a miscarriage. When I told them about London it was different; they were glad to hear I was getting better and that I had an acting job. But when I told them about this it was like they thought oh, a bad thing happened to her, now she's going to be depressed and we need to not talk about anything else other than tell her that things will be okay."

"They're just worried."

"But they can be worried and still talk to me like Penny. When bad things happened and I was younger, I could cry on Mom's shoulder, but she wouldn't talk to me any differently. She'd be sympathetic but she didn't act as though it was going to be the only thing on my mind for the rest of my life. And, yeah, those things weren't as bad as this, but... it just sucks, you know? I want my parents to talk to me like the daughter they raised me as. _It's okay to cry but you're always going to be strong enough to fight through it. _They make it feel like I _can't _get through this, like they believe that I _won't _stop thinking about it and that I'll let it get to me to the point I go back to the way I was before, when you left." Penny groaned, dabbing at her eyes. "The worst part is that that is _exactly _what I don't want to happen. And I _know _it won't happen, because I have you, and I have Ellen, and this time I _want _to fight and get through this. But when people treat you like you _won't_, then that's when it gets difficult."

"Penny, honey," Leonard shifted so that he could put his hands on her face, his thumbs stroking away the tears that fell from her eyes, "your parents don't think that, at all. They're just incredibly worried about you, just like I am. But they're all the way over in Nebraska, and they probably feel a little helpless being so far from you at a time like this."

"I know. I know, I just... it's discouraging. Just because something bad happened, it doesn't mean that I can't try to get past it." Penny looked up at him. "People telling you to take it easy and not do anything before you're up for it... _you_ let me work it out for myself and I felt like you trust me. That's what I need."

"Of course I trust you." Leonard told her, keeping her eye contact.

"Thank you." Penny gave him the tiniest of grateful smiles. "Can we do something?"

"What do you want to do?"

"Something normal." Penny stated, before taking a moment to think. "Grocery shopping."

"Grocery shopping?"

"Yeah. My mind is too... you know," she waved her hands around her head slightly, "jumbled up and stuff. So I need something to just... balance things out."

"But you hate grocery shopping."

"Not as much as I hate the idea of having to sit here and think about how even my parents don't see that being so cautious around me will only make things worse." Penny slowly stood up, placing her hands over her stomach for a moment before dropping them. "And it'll be nice to wear proper pants instead of sweats anyway. I bought so many new pairs and I haven't worn most of them yet. Putting on new clothes always makes me feel better."

"Okay, grocery shopping it is then."

Tilting her head, Penny asked, "Can I drive us there?"

He had gone to retrieve her car the day before. Leonard saw no reason not to let her drive - the anesthetic had long worn off, she was paying attention to the tasks she undertook, and it would give her an added normality. "Sure."

* * *

><p>"I'm gonna go to college tomorrow." Penny said decidedly as she got into bed, the weekend coming to a close.<p>

Leonard looked up from his book, slightly surprised by her sudden announcement. "You are?"

"I am." Pulling the covers over herself, Penny leaned her head back into the pillows. She had functioned without help the whole weekend, and though she chose to spend most of her time with him at home, she had gone out to the gas station and dry cleaners on her own and found it in herself to reply to her friends messages. While she was far from 'better', she felt she needed this, and had promised herself that if it did feel like things were becoming too much for her to handle, she'd consider taking more time out. But time out meant time to overthink, and she was aware of that danger making things worse. "It's only an hour in the afternoon. And it's a lecture, so I'll have to pay attention what's being said and take notes on it."

Placing the book he'd been reading on his nightstand, Leonard shuffled closer to her. Penny lifted her head and rested it on his chest, and he bought a hand up to lightly stroke her back. "Okay. Do you want me to stay home or go to work?"

"I don't know." Penny admitted. "I feel like... like I need to _know_ that you're going to be there if this turns out to be a bad idea. But it would also be good for you to get back to work."

"Well, I can always work from home, so I'll still be here. And if, after a few days or weeks or however long you need, you're feeling okay about going to college, then I'll start to go back to work. How does that sound?" Leonard suggested. "Both the college and university know what happened, and they'll support whatever you choose to do."

Nodding, Penny closed her eyes. He always had the most logical solutions, managing to factor her in in a sensitive way. "That sounds like a good plan. Thank you."

"But you promise to let me know when you get there, okay, and if anything goes wrong? I know it's only an hour but... you know me."

"I will. I promise." Penny assured him. They were silent for a moment, before Penny asked, "Leonard?"

"Yeah?"

"What about you?"

"What about me what?"

"How do you feel? I feel like all of this has been about me. But this happened to you too. Do you _want _me to go back to college? Do you want to go back to work?"

"I want whatever is best for you, Penny." Leonard said quietly.

"That's not a proper answer."

Sighing, Leonard frowned. Honestly, he hadn't given himself much thought. Still, his 'not a proper answer' had been the truth, so he decided to elaborate. "It comforts me that you're dealing with this sensibly and aren't rushing to get back into your life. If you were, I'd be worried that you weren't really coping with this at all. But I think you are, so... that's relieving. You admit that you're upset but you're not letting things get to you, and you know how to stop things from getting worse for yourself." Pausing to turn and kiss her forehead, he continued. "If I work from home, I'm not being put under any pressure, and I can still look out for you. So... I think this works for me too. But I think I'll steer towards working at home for a few weeks rather than just a few days."

"Okay. That's good. I don't think we need any pressure. But if it's too stressful for you to work from home, you don't have to do that either. You know that right? I tell you when I'm upset or if things feel too much, you can tell me those kinds of things too."

"I know." Leonard nodded gently. "But my first priority is you. If you are okay, then I'm okay."

Taking a moment to think about it, Penny slowly lifted her head to give him a soft smile. "I think I'm okay." She told him, her voice more certain than it had been in the past few days. "I mean, I'm not... I'm not better, and I'm not happy, and I'm not over what happened. But I don't feel like cutting my hands, or not talking to anybody, or as if I need to force myself to eat and drink. I feel like I can get better. So... yeah, I'm okay. I am."

Tucking a strand of hair behind her ear before cupping her cheek, Leonard returned her soft smile. "I'm glad."

"Too bad about these." Penny frowned, lifting her hands and spreading her fingers slightly, turning them so her palms faced the couple.

"Just like people, scars heal." Leonard told her reassuringly, squeezing her arm slightly.

Staring thoughtfully at her hands for a moment, Penny furrowed her brow. Just when Leonard had thought she was going to react negatively to his comment, she nodded and placed her hands back down on the comforter before turning onto her side to cuddle into him. "Yes, they do, don't they?"

"They do."

Shuffling even closer to him, she brought her hands up to rest beneath her chin. "Ellen's coming over tomorrow morning. I texted her the other day; I thought it would be better to talk to her in person rather than over the phone."

Glad that Penny was making reasonable choices, Leonard smiled to himself. "Okay, that's good."

Hesitating, Penny lifted her chin slightly. "Will you stay in your office when she's here please?"

"Sure."

"I just find it easier talking to her alone. I'm sorry."

"No, don't be sorry, I get it, it's easier to talk these things out alone sometimes."

"She asked me to tell you that she'll come and talk to you too. Then if we want, we can talk to her together. What do you think?"

Leaning his elbows back, Leonard sat up slightly to look at her properly. "Well, I think it would probably be good for us to talk to her together after we've both spoken to her on our own. If you're okay with doing that, of course."

"Oh, I think it would be good too. Then she'll know if we're on the same page and at least if one of us says something different alone than when we're together, she'll be able to work from there. She told me that's how _her _therapist worked out the problem between Ellen and her husband." Penny explained to Leonard, before tilting her head. "Isn't it weird to think that a therapist can have a therapist? Kind of like if a doctor has to see a doctor."

Lying back down, Leonard said thoughtfully, "Just goes to show that even the ones who are there to solve our problems have their own problems. We're just as strong as the ones who help us are."

Placing her head back down on his chest, Penny shut her eyes and smiled slightly. "Yeah." Resting one hand on her stomach and the other beside her face over his heart, she let out a content sigh. "Goodnight, Leonard."

* * *

><p>Hearing the door unlock, Leonard instantly jumped up from the couch, before changing his mind just as quickly and sitting back down. He didn't want to rush Penny's routine of coming home and being able to relax and ruin it by jumping on her the second she got in to find out how her day had been. She had gotten home, so at least he knew that she'd made it through and arrived home on time and safely.<p>

"Hey," Penny said tiredly as she walked through to the living room.

"Hey." Leonard smiled at her as she sat down beside him, tilting her head back. "How was college?"

"It was good. They made me talk to the counselor when I came in, but she said you had already told the people when you called that I wouldn't want to talk about it and that I had already had Ellen to talk to. So, thank you." Penny smiled at him, patting his leg. "I was worried she'd make me sit down and talk to her."

"Yeah. I thought you probably wouldn't want that."

"You were right." Penny nodded. "Anyway, she just wanted to let me know that for the paper coming up, I get put under the 'extenuating circumstances' marking so it goes up by 5% and they will give me the time off authorized if I need it. Oh, and that tonight the tutors should email me the notes for classes I missed."

"Well that's good of them to do that for you."

"Uh-huh. I considered telling them not to do that with the paper but... I don't think I need that stress right now."

"No, you don't." Leonard agreed.

"Lectures was good, though. I sat at the front so I had to look up a lot which made my neck and head ache a little."

"Come here."

"What?"

"I'll give your neck a little massage."

"Oh, okay." Penny sat up and shuffled around slightly. "I thought you were just saying in general. I was gonna say, I'm sat right next to you, Leonard."

Leonard chuckled slightly. At least she wasn't losing her sense of humor. "Funny."

Smiling at her own joke, Penny raised her brows as she felt his hands on her shoulders begin to massage her. It felt incredibly relaxing. Perhaps she'd need to get him to this more often - perhaps it was the physical connection and knowing that he was doing it out of love for her, that made it relaxing for her mind as well as her muscles. "Mm. That feels good. So how was your afternoon? Did you get much work done?"

"Not much in the office. I took my laptop and sat in the dining room, that was better."

"Oh, Leonard." Penny said sympathetically, frowning. She wondered if he had spoken to Ellen about this. Where before he would use his office frequently, now he very rarely went in there - something that she knew was to do with their both knowing that his office was primarily a bedroom and his thoughts a few nights ago that it could have been the baby's room. But she knew that asking Ellen was something she wasn't to do, and she was going to respect Leonard's decision to talk as much or as little as he wanted about these things, they way he did with her.

"I know. I guess I just need some time to stop thinking about it like that. It's okay." Leonard assured her. "I'm working on it."

His reassuring words made Penny relax again, perhaps a little more than before as her worry about this had been on her mind, amongst everything else. "Good." Taking a moment to enjoy the rare relaxation, her mind wandered back to a question she had been wanting to ask him. "Did the guys ask why you haven't been at work?"

"Yeah. I told Sheldon that you got sick, which made me sick, so he's very content with staying away from us. Howard and Raj just accepted it and left it. I figured that since you told the girls you were sick, that would make sense."

"Good thinking." Penny bit her lip. "Is it wrong that we're lying to our friends?"

"We're not lying to them. We're just doing what we have to, to deal with this situation in a way that works for us. Why, do you feel bad about it?"

"That's the thing: I don't feel bad about it." Penny shrugged. "And I was wondering if that was wrong."

"Of course it isn't. When you're ready to tell people, you let them in. If you're not ready, then you're not ready - there's no reason to feel guilty about your healing process."

Penny smiled. "That's what Ellen said. It's reassuring that you've both told me that."

"Well, that's what we're here for."

Moving his hands down from her shoulders, Leonard wrapped his hands around Penny's waist, and she leaned back into him, her eyes closing. It wasn't long until she had fallen comfortably asleep, Leonard having sat back against the couch and closed his eyes too.


	16. One Less Hurdle

"That was exhausting." Penny said quietly, shutting the front door after the last of their guests, Amy and Sheldon, had left. Apparently, her acting skills hadn't quite been enough to cover up how upset she was, opening her up to constant worried looks from her friends and whispers to their significant others.

Of course, this had its effect on Leonard too. Their friends would ask him in private at any given moment they were away from the group what was wrong. It seemed he was no better at pretending he was okay than Penny was, despite their best efforts. "It was," he agreed.

"And this was them not knowing." Penny followed Leonard through the apartment and into the kitchen to begin clearing up the leftover takeaway. "Imagine how much worse it'll be when they know. I love them all. But I sort of hate them."

"Once they find out, I imagine they'll be more sensitive about the questions and constant hawk-eyes. I hope, anyway." Leonard added as an afterthought, chucking a box of Pad Thai remainders into the trash.

Groaning, Penny leaned her elbows on the counter and put her head in her hands. "Why is it so _stressful _to be around our friends?"

Seeing how upset she was, Leonard quickly put down the container in his hands to comfort Penny, wrapping his arms around her to hug her from behind. "Maybe this was just too much at once. Perhaps we should have started with just you and the girls."

"But I want you to be there. And for you to be with your friends."

He could hear that Penny was on the verge of tears, so spoke quieter in attempt to soothe her. "How about next time, you invite the girls over? I'll still be here. But you'll get some time with them alone and there'll be less eyes on you the whole time."

Turning around, Penny relaxed her face into his shoulder, letting herself cry for a moment. For almost the entire first week, she hadn't cried, bar the first two days and once in the shower. Now that she was trying to get herself back into her usual routine, she found herself crying more often. Far from hating it, she found it relieving to be able to let herself feel this emotion and get it out of her system. Leonard was always there to comfort her and get back over the hurdles she was struggling with, one by one. Sniffling, she lifted her head again. "This isn't how its supposed to be. I'm supposed to _want _to talk to my friends. But I don't even want to be around them. It's too difficult."

"There isn't a way that it's _supposed _to be." Leonard said gently. "There are just different ways, and some of them are learning curves that might be painful or they might be eye-opening. Maybe even both. But hey, you made it through the evening. You're upset now but you still got through it all, and that's pretty impressive."

Blinking through her tears, Penny gave him a small smile. "You made it through the evening too."

"I did."

Thoughtfully, Penny brought a hand up to run through his hair. "_We _made it through the evening."

His heart warmed at her words. "We did."

"Come on," she dropped her hands to his arms, "lets clear this up and go to bed. I don't think anything will solve itself right here, right now. Remember in _Eat, Pray, Love, _when she says she was on the bathroom floor praying to God and he told her to just get up and go to bed, because lying on the bathroom floor in the middle of the night isn't going to do anything? This is kind of like that, I think. It's okay to be upset but staying there isn't going to help you; you have to actively continue moving to begin moving on."

* * *

><p>A week later, Penny invited Amy and Bernadette over, wanting to overcome her newfound dislike of being placed in a social situation. It was exactly as it had been before, so she was confident that it was only temporary and eventually, things would get easier and the company of others would be appealing again. Previously, her system had been to get Ellen's advice on if she was making the right choices with 'moving forward' - though she had been alone and battling without support then. This time, she altered her methods. She would decide for herself what she wanted to do, tell Leonard, and check with Ellen what she thought. This way, she wasn't relying on somebody else, but allowing herself the comfort of not putting too much pressure on her own decision making process. Penny figured that the more comfortable she was talking with her friends, the easier it would be opening up to them eventually.<p>

However, that evening when they left, she found herself standing in the doorway of Leonard's office, arms folded protectively across her chest. Sensing her presence, Leonard turned his head to look at her, instantly worried. "What's wrong, honey?"

"I told them." Penny said, surprisingly emotionless in contrast to her body language and expression. "They were looking at me and kept asking if I was okay, and then they were being all... weird. So I told them to make them stop."

"Oh my God." Leonard got up quickly, pulling her into a hug. "Are you okay?"

"Not really." Penny shook her head. "But I couldn't take it anymore! And now... at least I guess they know. It's not how I wanted to tell them and... I got a little angry, and I wish I _hadn't. _I can't help it!"

"What did they say?"

"The usual things. I'm sorry, we're here for you, all that kind of stuff." Penny shrugged, relaxing into him as he gently rubbed her back. "That they don't mind if I'm a little angry or whatever. But... they're my best friends. Or they were, I guess, maybe not after everything that happened before, perhaps being depressed and refusing to see them changed things. I just... I just feel like... I don't know. I feel like they should have something more than just words that anybody would tell me."

Relieved that some form of emotion had returned to the way she spoke, Leonard looked at her sympathetically. "You spent two years apart, things are a little different."

"But so did we, Leonard, and _you _didn't tell me the same thing anybody could tell me; you told me the truth and you were never afraid to tell me to cut it out, or offer me words that actually _meant _something even though we'd spent all this time apart from each other." Penny frowned. "They should have told me to calm down, not to get angry. Or they at least should have known that when they asked if I was okay and I said I didn't want to talk about it, not to _keep _asking if I was _sure _I'm okay."

"We were different. We're closer. Those first seven years you taught me not to be afraid to tell you how I felt, or if I thought you were wrong, or to be honest about what I could read from your face differing from what you were saying."

Nodding, Penny sighed. "I guess being in love with somebody is different to platonic love. You only get one person in life who knows and understands you more than you do yourself. But I still feel like... they're my two best friends, and those words felt empty after telling them. And I wish I had _chosen _to tell them and wanted to, rather than feeling like I _had _to."

Touched by her words about love, Leonard held her a little closer. "It's alright to feel like that, you know. Telling people is never going to be easy. But perhaps they were just as overwhelmed and shocked by the news that they found it difficult to say anything other than what we know to say when we hear these things."

"Yeah. Maybe. See, you're okay with telling me that perhaps I'm looking at it wrong." Penny sniffed, patting just below his shoulder. "Are you going to tell the guys, then?"

"Don't you think the girls will tell them?"

"No. I told them not to; that it was up to you to tell your friends when and how you wanted to. It's a lot to ask of them but _we _lost a baby, and you have every right to make your own decisions about these things."

Pausing for a moment in thought, Leonard then took Penny's hands and led her over to sit down on the two-seater sofa in his office. "I'll tell them tomorrow."

"You don't have to tell them just because I did."

"I know I don't. But it's not fair to make the girls keep it to themselves for that long; if you knew something like that had happened to one of them, would you want to keep it from me? You'd want some sort of comfort, right? Somebody to talk it through with, because you care about these people." Leonard pointed out, and she nodded slowly. "And then it means... we've told them, they know, the burden of keeping it to ourselves is gone. One less thing to worry about."

After a moment of silence, Penny sighed in agreement. "One less hurdle."

* * *

><p>Groaning as Penny walked over to the door whilst pulling on a sweater, she sincerely hoped there was a reason Leonard was knocking on the door instead of using his own key. There weren't <em>that <em>many groceries on the list; he'd managed to open the door with much more without having to get her to open it for him. Besides, there was a small table to the side of their door for the purpose of putting down your bags to get your keys out and open the door. Initially they had put it there because they had nowhere for it in their apartment, but it had turned out to be useful _outside _the apartment, so they'd kept it there, decorating it with a plant. Perhaps it was the foul mood she had woken up in and wasn't shifting, but she was particularly unimpressed with Leonard's apparent laziness.

Yanking the door open, she began her rant. "Is it _really _that difficult to- oh." Her rant was stopped as she realized that it wasn't Leonard at the door, but Amy and Bernadette. "What do you want?"

"Bestie, we came by to apologize for yesterday." Amy began, not phased by Penny's mood. "The news was shocking for us both, and we left you with only pre-prepared words that are almost empty to somebody so close to you."

"What we meant to say was," Bernadette said from beside Amy, "that we _are _very sorry and that we _are _here for you whenever you need us. But we also understand if you don't want to talk to us, and that you might want some time with just Leonard. Most people say things like 'I understand', but in reality we don't. This didn't happen to us. So you need to help us understand what you need from us, and what you don't need from us, instead of just shutting down and getting angry. If you need us, we'll stay. If you don't, we will go. We clearly do not know that pain you're going through and all we can do right now is offer our help and support."

"Alright." Despite her current disinterest in anything, she did feel in her heart some form of relief. Those were the words she wanted and needed to hear from her closest friends: they _didn't _understand, she _shouldn't _get angry at them, but that they were going to be there anyway. That was one thing she hated: people saying 'I understand how you feel' when in actuality, they really didn't. "Thank you."

"Leonard is at our place with the guys." Amy said after a moment of silence.

"He said he was grocery shopping."

"Yeah. He said he wanted to do this first and to tell you that he'll go straight to the grocery store afterwards. So, he's probably there now; we went to the mall while he spoke with the guys. We wanted to give you something, so..." Bernadette picked up a sizeable pink plastic box from the side table outside the door and held it out to Penny. "This is for you."

"Umm..." Penny took the box, which had a lid, the weight of the box suggesting there were quite a few items in there. "Okay. Thank you." Putting it down just inside the apartment, she tried not to show the pain from the way the edges of the box had dug into her hands and aggravated the cuts that seemed to be reluctant to go. "I have some work I need to get back to."

"Of course." Bernadette and Amy both said, smiling politely. Far from offended that they weren't being invited in, they were glad that Penny wasn't forcing herself to be in their company if she wasn't comfortable with it. They had agreed in the car that rather than trying to impose, it was best to leave her to it.

"Thank you for coming over." Penny said, her tone slightly dull but her meaning sincere. "I appreciate it."

"No worries." Amy shrugged meekly.

"And don't you hesitate to call us if you want some girl time, okay? Even if it's three in the morning and you just want to hate on the medical world." Bernadette told her, before giving her a gentle hug.

On her turn to hug Penny, Amy said to her, "we know you're _incredibly _strong, but don't be scared to _not _be strong sometimes."

Penny simply nodded as Amy let her go, waving as they said goodbye and turned to leave. Shutting the door, Penny simply stood there for a moment, before walking back into the apartment and sitting down at the dining table where her laptop was. While she appreciated the box of whatever things the girls had gotten her, she had no interest in it right now. Switching on her laptop, she felt herself relaxing slightly at the idea of getting started on her Case Study Analysis, her latest project for college. There was something about looking into the minds and emotions of others that seemed appealing in that moment; perhaps she simply needed a break from her own overcrowded mind.

Almost an hour later, she heard the door open, and realized she had done an impressive amount of work in that time. Having been completely immersed in her work, she shook her head slightly before standing and stretching to go help Leonard bring in the groceries and unpack them.

"Hey sweetie," she said, smiling her first smile of the day as she saw him walking up the hallway.

"Hey," Leonard gave her a peck on the cheek as she took two of the bags from his arms. "You seem a little better."

"I am," Penny nodded as they headed over to the kitchen, where they dumped the bags down on the counter. "I got some work done; probably just needed to take a time-out or whatever."

"So now you're borrowing my methods of work as a distraction?" Leonard teased lightly.

"Maybe." Penny smiled, coming over to him and putting her arms around him. "The girls came over. They said you were with the guys."

"Yeah, I was. They told me they'd be coming over. What did they come over for?"

"To say better things than they said yesterday." Penny told him. "Which was nice. I just... wasn't in the mood for company at the time. What did the guys say?"

"Not much, actually. They were quite speechless. Then the usual stuff you hear. Though Sheldon did make me a cup of tea, and Raj teared up while Howard just sat there before saying he never expected this to happen and that it _shouldn't _happen to you, of all people. Which is surprising because Howard doesn't seem like such an emotional person."

"Well... beneath the candy coating, there's a real boy in there. That was nice of Sheldon."

"I don't think he really knew what to do, so he went into autopilot."

"It'll be easier for them all when they have their person to talk to."

"Yeah, it will." Leonard agreed. "Oh, and Sheldon made you a cup of tea as well, in a thermos flask. It's in one of the grocery bags, I couldn't carry it up in my hands."

"Aww, that's sweet." Penny's hands fiddled with the curls on the back of his head, deep in thought. "Now that we've told them, even though I didn't want to yet, I feel a little better. I would have preferred to wait a little more so I could really come to terms with it, but... knowing that we don't have to tell them and that they're so supportive is good too."

"It is." Leonard agreed.

"So long as they don't start treating me differently, then I think I'm okay with how this worked out." Penny decided, before placing a gentle kiss on his lips. Of all the things that having a miscarriage had taken her appeal away from, she was glad that kissing her boyfriend hadn't been one of them, even if anything more than that was, temporarily, out of mind. There was something reassuring about this to her; that she _knew _it was only temporary and that she still wanted to kiss him, even if it was only short and gentle. She gave him a small smile and rubbed her thumb against his cheek. "One less hurdle to jump. Slow and steady."

"Good. I don't think my asthma allows for a lot of hurdle jumping."

For the first time in what felt like forever, Penny actually laughed. Her face lit up at his simple joke, which made him smile and laugh along with her. It was a beautiful moment; the first moment the couple felt like themselves again.


	17. Reacquaint

Over the next few weeks, Leonard and Penny began to feel like themselves for more frequent, longer moments. There was still an obvious difference to their lives - they spent less time with their friends (but still at least twice a week), they still had their moments of sadness and tears, the miscarriage still loomed over them. They both still spoke with Ellen, separately and together, though the visits were shorter and less intense. Leonard began to work half-days at the university, and Penny received an email filled with attachments about the commercial. They went to the hospital for Penny to get some tests done and the doctors confirmed that the miscarriage was not a medical cause and re-iterated that there were unfortunately women who, like her, miscarried their first pregnancy - but that the good news was that there was no medical reason she couldn't have a baby in the future. The couple agreed that this was not the time yet to discuss having children.

One afternoon after college, Penny had decided to call her parents to update them on how things were going. Despite her dislike of how they had treated her when she had given them the news, she knew that they were probably incredibly worried. In any case, she was grateful that they hadn't been consistently calling to make sure that she was okay; the distance had done her some good. She invited them to come stay for a weekend so they could see for themselves that she was doing okay, and asked Leonard to talk to them at some point before their arrival, like they had before they'd flown to Nebraska, to lay down some 'ground rules' of sorts.

The visit went by smoothly, her parents having understood her need to still be treated as simply their daughter and not pull attention to the trauma. They enjoyed the apartment and how the couple had settled into it, were taken to their favorite restaurants as well as the Cheesecake Factory, and even went to visit Leonard's lab at Penny's insistence. It was a calm weekend, and while they had both been worried it might be too intense and overwhelming, having the comfort of a parental presence had been nice.

As Penny sat in bed with her laptop waiting for Leonard to finish in the bathroom the night of dropping her parents off to the airport for their return to Omaha, one late night conversation with her mother stuck in her mind.

_"What're you still doing up?" Penny had asked, finding her mother sat at the kitchen island counter with a cup of tea. From the familiar aroma, she knew it was green tea with honey. _

_"Your father snores for the world. Accompany that with a fold-out bed and the fact that I slept so well on the plane over, and suddenly you're wide awake when you shouldn't be." Meryl smiled as Penny sat down beside her once she'd grabbed a bottle of water from the fridge. "What about you?" _

_"I was asleep, but I woke up because I really had to pee. Then I was going to get back into bed and Leonard just looked... so peaceful. And it was nice, you know, because... I don't think either of us look very peaceful anymore during the day. We try but it's hard." Penny frowned as she slowly twisted the lid of her water bottle. "Anyway, I have this book which was my therapists idea. I have two scans of the baby in there. At first looking at them was painful but now it sort of relaxes me. So I went to look at those, and then I went to get some water." _

_She wasn't sure what had made her tell her mother that whole story, when she knew she could have simply told her that she was thirsty. Perhaps it was the familiarity of seeking comfort when she was younger._

_"That's sweet." Meryl almost asked if she could see the scans, before deciding that those were evidently very personal to her daughter. "I'm sorry that the way we reacted when you told us about this upset you." _

_Penny looked up at her mother, simply staring at her for a moment before letting out a deep sigh. "Some mornings I wake up and I have no desire to get on with my day because I feel like my world is falling apart while everybody else's continues to turn. But Leonard is also part of my world, and that means his world is falling apart too. And Leonard is right beside me when I wake up, just like he is when I go to sleep. We're a we. So when I open my eyes, and I see him there, my world starts to turn a little again. And he makes sure that our world continues to recover from the war and turn like its meant to. But he can't do that if I don't try either." Penny paused, before continuing on to her point. "He is... he is the one person who understands me wholly and completely. Somehow he manages to be sympathetic and caring without changing the way he treats me. So don't be sorry that you didn't know that and reacted differently. He's known me for nine years, and in those nine years, I've grown more as a person and let him into my life more than I did in the eighteen years I lived with you. It's not your fault." _

_Touched by her words, Meryl brought her hand over Penny's. "I'm glad that you have found that person in your life." _

_"Me too." Penny nodded slowly. In that moment, she was incredibly grateful that her mother had simply accepted her words and left her response at that one statement, showing completely her understanding. "Thank you." Penny smiled, squeezing her mothers hand gently, before letting go and getting up. "I'm going back to sleep now." _

_"Alright, sweetheart. Sleep well." _

_"You too. Just hit Dad with a pillow. Leonard said he's done that a few times to stop me snoring and I've never woken up from it, so it must work." _

Smiling to herself, Penny shut her laptop and picked up her phone to text her parents and thank them for coming. As she put her laptop onto her bedside table the bathroom door opened and Leonard came out in his pajamas, ready for bed.

"Leonard?" Penny said as Leonard got into the bed beside her.

"Yeah?"

Cuddling into his side, Penny laid a hand on his chest. "We should go out for dinner tomorrow. A proper dressed up dinner."

"That sounds nice." Leonard smiled. "What gave you this idea?"

"We're getting back to our busy schedules again like normal. And I feel like we deserve to do something nice after everything that has happened. Just us two, out of the house, enjoying ourselves."

"Okay." Leonard rubbed her back gently. "I'll make some reservations tomorrow morning."

"Thank you." Penny whispered, hoping he understood that the thank you wasn't simply for his promise to make the reservations, but for everything that he had helped her through.

* * *

><p>Two weeks into their now busier schedules, practically back to normal, the couple were very glad that they had their evening away to reflect upon and remember. It was easy to get caught up in work and learning, so having that made it slightly easier to get through the long hours. They did, however, make sure to use their free time in the weekends to simply relax together and recover from the week.<p>

Saturday morning found them cuddled up in bed, Penny reading on her Kindle device and Leonard absentmindedly watching a documentary he'd recorded on the television in their room.

"Do you ever wonder," Penny began quietly, shutting off her Kindle after finishing another chapter, "what it would be like to live in a different era?"

Pausing his documentary, Leonard raised a brow. "Yeah, sometimes. But mostly the future, after watching films about it. You know, in the typical nerdy way."

"Right, like when you got that stupid time machine."

"Hey, it wasn't stupid! That time machine was pretty cool."

"Well, that time machine caused me a lot more trouble than I needed."

Thinking for a moment, a shy smile came across Leonard's face. "Can I tell you something about the time we got that time machine?"

"What's that?"

"It's kind of... embarrassing, really. But, umm, you know, that was back when I had a huge crush on you?"

Penny giggled. "Yeah, I remember."

"Well, I was really kind of bothered when you said all that stuff about how stupid it is for us to have a time machine and all that stuff."

"Aw, I know. I'm sorry. I was just pissed off, I didn't really mean it. You know I love all your nerdy little habits and collections."

"It's okay, I know." Leonard smiled. "But, anyway, I couldn't sleep, so I went in the time machine and I had this dream. I guess it was _kind _of like time travelling in my mind."

"Sweetie, get to the story." Penny nudged him lightly, amused by his reflective mini-tangents.

"Right, right. So, okay, it was basically the same at the start; you had to get to work but we were bringing the time machine up the stairs. But, instead of giving you the alternate route... you know, in retrospect, I don't know why I offered to tell you about this. You're going to laugh at me."

"Well, it's too late to stop telling me the story now!"

"I guess so. Alright. Instead of giving you that silly alternate route, I... I opened up the elevator doors, swung you in, hung onto the shaft rope, and as I used it to slide us down to the ground floor... we kissed. When I spun you in, you said "I'm scared" and I said... I said "don't worry baby, I've got you." And... yeah. I woke up." Leonard finished, his face red.

"Oh my God!" Penny sat up slightly. "That's so cute!"

"I really wouldn't say that's cute..."

"Okay, yeah, it's kind of lame." Penny admitted, smiling. "But, it's adorable. Especially that you told me about it."

"Really?" Leonard asked, sounding doubtful.

"Yeah." Penny playfully tapped his nose. "Hey, is that why you kind of almost asked me out the next morning?"

"You knew I was trying to ask you out?"

"Leonard, I know when a guy is asking me out. Just, you know, now the answer is _no _because I finally said yes to you." Penny grinned. "Speaking of different eras and time machines... can you imagine if you'd managed to finish asking me out? I wonder how that would've gone."

"Would you have said yes?"

"Probably." Penny shrugged a shoulder up to her ear, propping herself up on her elbow.

"You would have?"

"I... yeah. I mean, I said yes not long after that, and I was just messing around with that guy. You were all... serious, and you actually _liked _me. And you know I have a soft spot for your nerdy side."

This made Leonard smile. "That you do."

"Though I think we'll both agree that the way things actually worked out, worked out for the best. I mean, except for the whole... being apart, and depression, and the miscarriage. But, we're here now."

"We are."

"And that's what is important. That we're here, together, right now."

"It is."

Leaning in, their lips met for a quick, almost routine peck on the lips. Before Leonard could properly pull back, Penny found herself almost intrigued; she wanted more, not quite ready to end the kiss. Re-capturing his lips, she simply held them there, eyes still closed as though remembering the familiarity of a kiss longer than the brush of the lips they'd become accustomed to. Deciding she wanted to explore more, she opened her eyes to look at him and began to slowly move her lips. Leonard's eyes opened too, and their gazes met in almost an agreement that the original kiss wasn't over. As his lips finally began to move too in response, Penny's eyes fluttered closed with a contented sigh.

Minutes passed as the kiss continued, feeling almost new to the couple. And when Penny moved a hand into his hair, she could finally label exactly what it was she felt: arousal. Something she hadn't felt in a long time, and something she had been asking Ellen about - unbeknownst to her, Leonard had also been asking practically the exact same question. _Why don't I feel it anymore? _It was always the same answer: _for some couples, it just takes time_. Session after session; _I still don't feel it. What's wrong with me_? The answer remained the same. _What if he doesn't want to when I do? What if I'm ready before her?_

But it seemed that for Leonard and Penny, the time they had both taken to reacquaint themselves with the physical and emotional aspects of being aroused seemed to have finally reached its pleasing conclusion.

* * *

><p>"You know, I thought it would be... scarier than this." Penny admitted, lying on her side and propping her head in her hand.<p>

"Yeah, me too."

"Like, when I thought about it, I thought I'd end up crying or changing my mind - or even both - but I just... didn't, you know? Ellen said that some people are like that, but some people work themselves up for no reason. We both agreed I was probably the former, but you can't help but be a little scared, especially after those things they gave me to read."

"You spoke to her about this stuff?" Leonard asked with a smile.

"Well, yeah. It's been on my mind for like... a _long _time. Why?"

"Nothing. I just thought I was the only one asking her about these things; I was actually kind of worried that maybe while I _was _thinking about that, that you weren't, and then-"

"Leonard, sweetie," Penny put a finger to his lips, a smile spreading over her face. "Even if we were at different stage with that, I know we both would have waited until we were both there. I thought the exact same thing, but I figured... you waited four months for me when we started our beta test. I had no doubt you would wait for me now if I asked."

"You're right, I would have. Just like the beta test... its just me overthinking everything."

"And just like the beta test, you have nothing to worry about." Penny grinned. "You're the King of Foreplay after all; so I know that _I _sure had nothing to worry about." There was a glint in her eyes as she bit her lip, and all she could do in that moment was relish how amazing it was to feel this way again. It had seemed almost impossible that she would ever come close to this feeling again, yet here she was, surrounded by wonderful feelings she'd feared would never return.

He honestly felt as though he could take in the expression on her face forever. It was so happy, so beautiful. It felt wonderful that she could so easily turn a serious comment about fear of having sex for the first time since her miscarriage and foreplay into a more light-hearted comment to keep the mood light and accompany both their increasingly happier achievements and lifestyle. "Well, I have a queen worthy of a deliverance that title entails, so that always helps matters."

"Mm. If I was wearing pants right now, that line would've got me out of them." Penny tapped his chin. "Speaking of pants, what do you say we go shopping today?"

"For pants?"

"Well, not _just _pants."

"Alright. I do need new pants though. You know how you told me not to put the beige pants in with the new purple shirt, and I said, it's okay, I do this all the time? Well, the beige pants are now... not beige."

"See! I told you! I don't know much about laundry but I know _some _stuff. How come you never listen to me about that? We'll get you new beige pants, sweetie. And some more stuff to fill out your side of the closet in general."

"Can some of that stuff be costumes, there's this place online-"

"No."

"But-"

"It's enough that you already have a costume _section_. We don't need more of those."

"Hey, you have a costume section too!"

"No, I have a costume _drawer_. Leonard, you can use sex to make me say yes to a lot of things, but buying costumes is not one of them. Just like I could never make you say yes to-"

"Yeah, okay, okay, no costumes." Leonard sighed.

"You can get a new one for Halloween. Maybe."

Raising a brow, Leonard gave her a questioning look. "I have a feel that depends on an _if_. What is the new costume dependent on?"

"You'll see." Penny smirked.


	18. The Whole 'Twice' Thing

Sitting with her legs crossed, Penny opened the box she had been given by Amy and Bernadette a few weeks ago. She had opened it a few hours after they had left, when she'd had some time alone and felt slightly calmer and less sensitive about everything after their visit. Inside the box there had been the usual collection of sympathy gifts - chocolates, a teddy bear, a card, even a carefully placed small bunch of flowers at the top that had survived almost being squashed by the lid. But there'd also been things that had shown her they really had gone the extra mile just for her - a new shirt from one of her favorite stores, a gift card, silver heart-shaped earrings and some pink nail varnish.

But at the bottom, there'd been a gift wrapped separately in purple tissue paper over which they'd placed a note. '_We don't know if you have one, or if you even want to read one of these. If you think it'll help then give it a read, if not we're sorry and we totally understand if you want to just throw this right out, or at us. xxx' _it had read. Removing the tissue paper and note, she had discovered that it was a book about coping with miscarriage. At the time, she had decided to simply keep it in the box and put it away, not wanting to throw it out, but deciding to keep it for the future when the idea of what had happened seemed like less of a personally exclusive thing to her.

Now, as she took the book out from the box, Penny bit her lip as she observed the cover. It didn't look too intimidating, and perhaps having something to relate to would be helpful at this stage rather than seeming intrusive, intimidating and misunderstanding. Leonard wouldn't be home for another two hours, and she'd just come home from having lunch with the girls after morning classes at college. Perhaps some time on her own to read and come to grips with a broader grasp on everything that had happened would be a good way to further aid her own recovery process, which she now thought to be going progressively well. After all, she would start filming for the commercial in the next week and was willing to try and accept whatever help she could get before fully immersing herself into the real world again.

With that thought in mind, she tucked the book beneath her arm and went back into the living area where she'd set down her freshly made coffee. Curling up on the couch, she opened the book and began reading.

* * *

><p>Two days later, Penny had finished her book. Having spent the morning being fitted for the outfits she would be wearing in the four commercials, due to be filmed in the following week, she'd used the afternoon to visit Ellen, having made an appointment in advance, and let her know how things were going for her before coming home to finish the book.<p>

Being able to find comfort in the fact that she truly wasn't alone, however unfortunate it was that her situation was relatively common compared to how isolated she felt, had been a new form of relief. It was different to read about it from somebody who had experienced what she had and had the guts to put it out there as a form of advice than to hear about it from medical professionals and friends who did not have that vantage point on her situation. There had been a section from the partner, giving an interesting perspective too. She wondered if Leonard would be interested in reading it. Ever supportive, she knew he wouldn't be offended if she offered him the book, but rather glad that she had found it to be a source of help.

The digital clock on the DVD player showed that Leonard would be home in a few minutes. Deciding that she was too lazy to get up and cook, she stayed on the couch and began thinking of what they'd do for dinner instead. _Chinese_, her mind told her. Her stomach agreed, she thought with a smile.

Thoughts wandering back to the book, her mind formed a tangent as she began to wonder what foods she would have craved had her pregnancy continued. Would she want Chinese food every night or would the thought of it make her want to be sick? If she wanted takeaway every night, would Leonard go out and get it for her without fail? _Of course he would, _she thought, _it's Leonard. He'd be the perfect father-to-be. And a perfect Daddy. _Her mouth twisted unpleasantly at the thought. That was something that hadn't really crossed her mind before, and now that it had, it was horrible. Something had cruelly and unfairly taken away Leonard's chance of being a father - of somebody calling him Daddy. That same something had taken away her chance of being Mommy. Their chance of being Mom and Dad. Those titles seemed so welcoming and comforting, so family-oriented; it hurt to think about it from this perspective. It wasn't just her unborn child they had lost. They'd lost their first chance of being a family. Yes, there was the future. A second chance. But second chances meant failed first chances, and Penny constantly felt like she was surviving off only second chances. Did she not deserve to succeed at anything the first time? If she didn't, Leonard surely did.

Penny suddenly realized that she had unconsciously curled her hands into fists. She had never caught herself at this moment before, and the first thing she noticed was how her immediate instinct was to keep going until she could feel her nails against her palms. The action felt painfully incomplete without that del-f-induced distractive pain. Currently, only her fingertips were pressing into her skin, and it didn't feel quite enough. But simultaneously, as she brought her gaze down to look at them, it felt... wrong.

She had promised Leonard that she wouldn't do this again. She knew how much it hurt him, and how much it was going to hurt her if she didn't stop with the knowledge that she could have stopped herself. She knew that Leonard would be home any minute now and that he would be heartbroken if he saw her hands like this, or later saw the cuts in her hands. He had enough on his plate as it was; she didn't need to pile this on as well. Not if she could help it. She _shouldn't _do this to herself or to Leonard. _Here's your first chance. Your first chance to stop yourself. Don't let there be a second chance to fix what you didn't achieve on your first try. _

With those thoughts in mind, Penny grimaced as she forced her own fists to unfurl. She watched her fingers uncurl shakily, stiffly flattening her hand out and stretching her fingers out. She looked at her hands, their ability to harm her stilled at her own command. It felt good. Releasing her breath slowly, she let her hands relax and drop into her lap. That sense of power over her own terrible habit was relieving. She hadn't been able to do this on her own before, to even catch herself doing it. Turning her hands over, Penny looked at her palms. No cuts. It was an oddly powerful sight to her. The corners of her lips turned upwards into a smile. What could have been a distressing situation had turned into another hurdle jumped over, under her own control.

Hearing the door open, she jumped up with a fresh grin and went toward the door.

"I'm home!" Leonard called, kicking off his shoes and looking up to see Penny already standing there. "Oh, hey honey."

"Hey," Penny said, stepping forward and kissing him. Knowing that she wasn't going to have to hide her hands from him, but show him her harm-free palms and explain what had happened, felt incredible. "How was work?"

"Really good, actually. The experiment went better than we expected, the results were great!"

"Oh, well that's definitely good news!" Penny took his bag from him and set it next to her purse on the side while he removed his jacket and hoodie.

"Yeah, it really is. How was your day?" Leonard asked, as the pair of them moved into the kitchen. Penny sat down at the island as Leonard went to the fridge. "Juice?"

"Yes please. It was... interesting."

"Interesting?"

"Yeah. I finished that book that Amy and Bernadette got me."

"Oh?"

"Uh-huh. And it got me thinking on this tangent and... that tangent didn't really go to a great place. Not because the book was bad; the book was actually really interesting and helpful. You can read it if you like. But it just made me think some stuff that I hadn't given much thought to before and it was a little... intense, I guess." Penny took a sip of the juice he'd just passed her, as he furrowed his brow in concern and concentration. "I kind of found my hands curling into fists... but I stopped it from going anywhere. I just..." Penny put her left hand into a fist and slowly unfurled it to demonstrate, before turning both hands over on the table to show him her palms. "On my own. I did it." She finished proudly, grinning at him. "That's the first time I ever caught myself and stopped it on my own!"

"You jumped another hurdle! I'm so proud, Penny." Leonard came around to hug her, kissing her forehead tenderly. "That's really, really good news."

"It is." Penny tilted her head up, arms still around him, resting her chin on his chest. "I'm getting there. You're getting there. _We're _getting there, Leonard."

"We are." Leonard agreed, smiling, before leaning his head down slightly to kiss the tip of her nose, making Penny giggle.

"Lets get Chinese food for dinner."

* * *

><p>"Leonard!" Penny practically bounded into the apartment, slamming the door behind her and dropping her jacket and purse sightlessly as she rushed to the hallway, excitement radiating from very single part of her. "I had the most <em>amazing <em>day!"

"Whoa!" Leonard stumbled back a step in shock as Penny flung herself at him into a loose hug, arms around his neck and wide grin on her face. Wrapping his arms around her waist, he smiled. "Guess your first day filming for the commercial went well?"

"Oh my God, it's the best thing _ever_." Penny confirmed, eyes shining with delight. "I'm not even gonna _tell _you who I'm working with in this first commercial, you'll see when they all go on air - but oh my _God _I spent like ten minutes crying in my trailer because I was so happy that they _hugged_ me! It's like, a dream come true! They're in one of the four so you can come visit me and my trailer another time when they aren't there because I want it to be a surprise. You're going to _die_."

"Is it Jennifer Aniston?"

"I wish! If it were, I would still be crying in my trailer right now."

"Beyoncé?"

"No, then _I _would be dead right now."

"Well then that's all I have, I don't really know any more famous people that you like _that _much." Leonard chuckled.

"You'll see." Penny grinned up at him. "Anyway, my trailer here is _even better _than the one I had before. It's like a five-star hotel room condensed into a trailer, I wish I could keep it after the commercial. Even my Daddy would approve of that kind of house on wheels! Oh, speaking of which, my Dad wants to know if we fancy coming up to Nebraska for Christmas this year. I know it's only October but he said just in case we make other plans, he'd ask in advance. What do you think?"

"I'm more than happy to go if you wanna go."

"You can give him the good news over Skype then, he was asking how you were doing and I said we'd call when we decided. Man, this is such a good day!" Penny leaned up slightly to kiss him on the lips. "Maybe morning sex brings you good luck."

"Perhaps it does. Or maybe the world was done with giving you crap and finally realized you deserve better than that."

"Hmm, I like both theories." Penny smiled gently. "Either way, these days when I speak to Ellen I have more good things to tell her than bad things. I don't think I can actually think of a bad thing, really. Last time the bad thing was my hands but that turned out to be a good thing, like a learning curve, so..." Penny pulled Leonard into a tight embrace. "That's twice in my life that I truly believed I was never, ever going to feel _this _happy again. Thank you for changing that. Twice."

"You're welcome," Leonard said with a smile, gently rubbing her back. "But a lot of that was your own hard work."

"Couldn't have done it without you." Penny told him, pulling back slightly to look at him with the hint of a smirk forming on her mouth. "You know, you're pretty good with the whole '_twice' _thing."

"Oh yeah?"

"Uh-huh."

"Well, what can I say?"

"That you'll turn twice this morning into twice this day, which will be twice this evening? Then it will be twice... twice." Penny wiggled her eyebrows.

"As you wish." Leonard gave her a soft kiss as a promise.

"You spoil me, Leonard Hofstadter." Penny giggled. "One of the many reasons I love you. But not now; I need to pee and shower and eat and we need to call my parents."

"I'll get dinner started then."

"Oh, and we're having dinner at Amy and Sheldon's tomorrow." Penny told him, heading down the hallway. "So don't open either of the two good bottles of wine tonight, I'll need to give them to the girls as a thank you for the stuff they gave me a few weeks ago when they came to apologize. Just pour me a glass of something easy. I know me drinking anything alcoholic is _insanely _rare these days but I just want to celebrate a little with you."

"Okay." Leonard smiled fondly after her.

"And then I wanna hear all about your day over dinner, _Doctor_." Penny threw a wink over her shoulder before disappearing into their bedroom.

Leonard couldn't stop smiling as he made his way over to the kitchen. He knew Penny was aware that her recovery process was going well, but sometimes it surprised even him just how much small moments like these where she could refer to her own issues lightly - such as her complete withdrawal from alcohol since her depression had begun - could be a significant marker in jumping those final hurdles together. He knew _her _recovery was the lifeline of his own recovery, and he could only hope she saw this whenever he shared the events of his day and, just like her, had no more bad things to tell her of.


	19. Can't Stop Smiling' Happy

Smiling politely at Amy as she poured her a glass of wine, Penny then went on to stare at the now filled glass when Amy moved on to fill the rest of the glasses around the table. Apart from the glass Leonard had poured at her request the night before, she hadn't really drunk wine or any other form of alcohol - let alone in the presence of others. And there was a lot more in this glass than Leonard had put in hers. Unsure of why it felt like such a big deal to her, she glanced jealously at Sheldon's glass of fizzy apple juice. Perhaps two years ago she would have rolled her eyes at it, but now she wished that she too had a non-alcoholic drink.

"You okay?" Leonard asked her quietly, putting a hand on her knee beneath the table comfortingly upon seeing the worried look on her face.

"It's just a lot of wine, that's all."

Knowing that most of her issue was likely to do with social pressure and expectations, something she had been struggling with recently, Leonard turned to her slightly, using his free hand to hold one of hers. "You don't have to drink it all."

Nodding, Penny bit her lip. "I guess not. But they'll expect me to and ask me why I didn't finish it if I don't."

"I'm sure they won't. And if they do, you don't owe them an explanation."

"You're right." Penny smiled softly at him. "I don't."

"D'you want something else to drink instead?"

"No, no, it's okay." Penny patted his hand that was on her knee. "I'm just putting this pressure on myself for no reason, don't worry."

"You know I always worry." Leonard said, and Penny gave him a knowing look.

"You two okay?" Bernadette asked from beside Penny, having turned her attention away from the mini-argument she was having with Howard about his un-ironed dickie and noticing the couple talking quietly.

"Yeah." Penny gave her friend a reassuring smile. "Just talking. So, Howard still hasn't accepted that you don't believe in ironing his dickies?"

"It makes them look stupid if they aren't ironed!" Howard pointed out, tugging at his dickie.

"Yeah... their lack of ironing is what makes them look stupid." Leonard raised his brows in an amused manner, shaking his head.

"See, Leonard and Penny agree with me."

"What do they know, they don't even have an ironing board." Howard huffed, sitting back in his chair and folding his arms like a stubborn child.

"Hey! I will have you know, we _own _an ironing board." Penny said, holding up a finger. "And it _has _been used more than once."

"But not more than twice because _someone _left the iron on the board while she went to make some coffee and burnt through one of my shirts and the board cover." Leonard accused.

Shrugging, Penny cocked her head to the side. "It's okay, it was an ugly shirt."

"What was wrong with that shirt?"

"Oh please, I've blown my nose and seen colors more pleasant than the color of that shirt."

"That's... a nice comparison." Bernadette said. "Sums up how I feel about the turtle neck Howie wore yesterday though."

* * *

><p>"Okay guys, if you don't mind, Yvette and I have an announcement to make." Raj said as he stood from the table, putting down his glass of wine. All eyes on him, he took Yvette's hand and squeezed it gently as she stood up with him. "Yvette and I will be moving in together."<p>

"Oh my God!" Penny squealed, grasping Leonard's arm.

"Congratulations!" Amy grinned, raising her glass toward the couple.

"I'm so happy for you, buddy!" Howard stood and came over to give Raj a hug, adding a firm pat on the back to make it appear manlier than it looked. "You too, Yvette." Howard then hugged Yvette gently.

"Thank you." Yvette smiled.

"Whose apartment are you moving to?" Leonard asked, reaching over to pat Raj's arm in congratulations, before using that same hand to rub his own arm once Penny released her death grip on it.

"Yvette's apartment; it has more space." Raj said. "We're going to be putting mine on the market next week."

"That's fantastic!" Bernadette smiled. "Now all of us couples are living together!"

"I know I'm the last one of the group to make this move, but it seemed like a good time to do this." Raj said as he and Yvette sat back down. "Even my parents are happy about this."

"Once they overcame the shock that I'm not Indian, his parents seemed happy to accept me into his life." Yvette laughed.

* * *

><p>"I'm so excited that Raj and Yvette are going to be living together." Penny mused, pulling on her pajama shorts. "They're so cute together. Though it does seem kind of random too."<p>

"How come?" Leonard asked, tossing his shirt into the laundry basket, punching the air when it landed neatly inside it rather than missing and falling onto the floor beside it.

"Your aim is getting good." Penny commented with an approving nod in the direction of the laundry basket. "I dunno, I guess it's just that I haven't known Yvette that long so it seems faster than it probably is in reality. I mean, that last time I saw Raj and really spoke to him before coming back to Pasadena, he was heartbroken over Lucy. Though that's what gave him the confidence to speak to women without being completely wasted, so maybe he needed that. Kind of cruel when things happen like that."

"It is." Leonard agreed, knowing all too well what Penny meant.

"But you live and learn, don't you?" Penny smiled, bending forward to tie her hair up into a knot on the top of her head. "Yvette seems really nice, and they really work well together. I haven't visited her apartment before though."

"Well they're throwing that dinner party next week at her place so we'll get to see it then."

"That's true! Oh, that'll be nice. I like having a nosy in other peoples apartments." Penny grinned, despite the hint of nervousness she felt at the prospect of another social gathering. "Aww, I'm so excited for those two."

"Do you get excited when that kind of stuff happens for us?" Leonard asked, getting into bed.

"No." Penny shook her head, removing her earrings.

"No?"

"No. At first I'm just... really happy. 'Can't stop smiling' happy. Want to kiss you happy. 'I can't believe it' happy. And then when it settles in and it's actually happening, _then _I'm excited." Penny explained, snuggling in beside him beneath the comforter. "Or I just freak out because it's not the right time and you were like, light years ahead of me."

"The freaking out was always fun. And light years isn't even-"

"I know," Penny giggled, tapping his chest. "I'm sorry. Sometimes I just had to freak out to realize what page I was on in my own book."

"It's okay. We got there in the end."

"Yup. I'm all caught up now." Penny smiled, closing her eyes as his hand gently rubbed her arm. "We're on the same page now. For good, I think, bare a few paragraphs."

"Well, I always did read faster than you."

"Shut up."

* * *

><p>"Don't sit there!" Penny warned loudly as Amy went to sit on a chair by the table in her trailer.<p>

Amy's legs straightened awkwardly as she rushed to stand up. "Why not?" She shuffled over instead to the next chair. "Can I sit here?"

"It's broken. Yeah, that chair is fine."

"How did you break it?" Bernadette asked cautiously, leaning against the kitchenette counter.

"Oh... long story." Penny bit her lip. "There was a... force, motion, gravity... kind of... incident."

"What?"

"Too much force, too much motion, two people on a little chair... gravity did its job." Penny shrugged. "But it's okay, just some bruising. I'll just tell them the chair was already broken when I got the trailer."

"Adventurous." Amy raised her brows. "You're practically a rock star. I can't believe I'm in the trailer of a _star_!"

"I wouldn't say I'm a _star_."

"Of course you are!" Bernadette said perkily. "That's five new commercials this year alone!"

"And a hemorrhoid commercial in the bank." Amy reminded her.

"Proudest moment of my career, that is." Penny laughed.

"So do you think this commercial thing will lead to movies and stuff?" Bernadette asked, taking a sip of diet coke that Penny had poured them once she'd finished showing them around the sets and her trailer.

Shrugging, Penny ran her finger along the rim of her glass. "I dunno, maybe it could if I really went for it."

Amy glanced at Bernadette quickly with a frown before turning back to Penny. "Do you _want _to?"

Taking her glass, Penny went and sat down on the small couch along the wall, twisting her lips in thought. "I don't really know. I mean, this was my dream before. But I have other things now. Like, I still get really excited about all of this stuff and I'm like a kid at Christmas telling people about this. And, God, I _love _this job. It's amazing. Sometimes I have to pinch myself that it's real. But having an acting job isn't the only thing in my life anymore, and I kind of like it that way. As much as I love this job, the best part of my day is still going home. I come in, and I can't wait to come home and just sit down with Leonard and tell him all about my day and hear what he got up to."

"That's kinda sweet." Amy smiled.

"Before, my life was literally empty. That's probably why I wanted to make it big in the industry so big. I was in a relationship with Kurt, who I loved and thought loved me back, but in the end that was all for nothing. Then I left him and for the first time I was on my own and I had no idea what I wanted or what to do with myself. In London... that play was all I had. Literally. And it was the most bittersweet thing because I _finally _had this job I had always wanted, but I had nobody to share it with anymore and nothing left in my life. I kind of like this; being able to have so much when I had so little. Now I've got college, and I have Leonard in my life, and..." Penny shook her head. "It's just not the _only _thing in my life anymore."

"Are you just going to quit?"

"No, of course not! I worked hard for this! I just don't think I'd do a movie or a TV show anymore. It wouldn't give me the time for everything I do now. I like doing these commercials and maybe if I got something I'd do an episode or two of TV but... I'm just not that set on it being a big thing for me anymore."

"It's good that you have these things figured out." Bernadette gave Penny a smile, truly happy for her friend. "And hey, no matter what you do, you're going to have these commercials on TV and the memory of this trailer and your awesome co-stars."

"And the broken chair." Amy added.

"Mm, good times." Penny grinned, relieved that her friends understood the thoughts about her career that had been going through her mind recently. It was good to finally voice them aloud. This was what she meant a few nights ago when speaking to Leonard: thinking about their life together rather than her own as a singular unit made her 'can't stop smiling' happy. It was a feeling she would never trade. "You guys wanna go get something to eat?"

"On the set?"

"Nah, I already ate like five bagels here today. Oh, we could go to the mall now and then go for dinner later? See if the guys wanna come? It's a bit early to really eat right now."

"That sounds good, but can we still stop by and get a bagel here?" Bernadette asked. "You made me hungry and all I had for lunch was a salad. Howie's trying to eat healthy to accompany his attempt to get fit and complete that tenth push up, which apparently means I have to eat healthy too."

"Then you definitely need a bagel." Penny got up, grabbing her purse. "Oh screw it, bagel number six is calling me. How about you Amy?"

"Well... this morning I had Cylon toast for breakfast. So yes, a bagel sounds perfect. I need more adult-themed bread."

"Adult-themed bread..." Penny giggled as she opened the door for them to leave the trailer. "That reminds me of the bagel-toss game Joey mentions on _Friends_."

"Been there, played that." Bernadette said, smirking.

"Sheldon would say it's unhygienic." Amy frowned, stepping past Penny to get out. "And the thought of you and Howard playing that is pretty disturbing."

Turning to lock her trailer door, Penny bit her lip. "That hole is _way _too small."

"Show off." Bernadette muttered.

"It's not my problem Howard spent his life bragging that he's the 'small package big things come in' and didn't live up to that expectation." Penny shrugged. "But I suppose at least you can have some bagel fun."

"Now I really want a bagel with cream cheese." Bernadette decided.

Penny and Amy shuddered simultaneously. Deciding to change the subject before she went off bagels completely, Penny turned to Amy. "Who's driving tonight to Yvette's place? Bernadette and Howard are taking his new Vespa."

"I'm overjoyed at that prospect." Bernadette rolled her eyes.

"I don't mind driving, since you and Leonard haven't been there before and don't know where it is. I'm sure Sheldon will be happy about that; Raj always serves excellent wine and Sheldon says I'm a lightweight and get tipsy too easily."

At the mention of the wine, Penny instantly decided she wanted to be the designated driver. "Oh, no that's alright - I'll drive then."

"You sure? The wine is excellent every single time."

"No, that's fine." Penny smiled. "I'll drive and use the navigation system. Come on, bagel cart is over there." She pointed, once more wanting to change the subject. "I recommend the chocolate spread bagel. Not healthy, but absolutely delicious."

"I'm sticking to cream cheese." Bernadette grinned.


	20. Correctly Assembled

"Well, this is it." Raj said, putting down his key on the empty kitchen counter.

Leaning against the wall near the door, Howard looked around. "When you think back to it, so much stuff happened at this apartment."

"Each of you guys has stayed here." Raj recalled with a smile. "I still remember Sheldon telling me it was part of my religion to host guests."

"Well, it is." Sheldon said, feeling the need to back up his point from long ago. "Need I recite it word-for-word to you?"

"No, no thank you." Raj shook his head quickly.

"This reminds me of when we packed up Howard's room at his Mom's place. Without all the collectibles and decorations, it just no longer looks like your apartment. Just... an apartment." Leonard observed.

Raj shrugged. "It still feels like my apartment to me. I'm excited to be moving in with Yvette, but it's still kinda sad looking around here and leaving it behind, you know." When Leonard shook his head, he raised a brow. "You didn't get that when you moved in with Penny?"

"I guess I didn't have that transition. I left to go on an expedition and just happened to not come back; then when I did return I immediately moved to a new place with Penny, which we were both really happy about. Packing up my room at 4A was weird but it wasn't... I didn't have that feeling."

"You know what's weird? We all moved to different apartments except for Sheldon." Howard said with a small chuckle. "It's quite fitting that the one who hates change stays in his place and controls how his own place changes instead."

"I think it's kind of nice that Sheldon is staying at 4A." Raj smiled. "We can keep some of our traditions that way. Not everything has to change."

Nodding, even Sheldon smiled. "Yes, the thought of keeping some of our old traditions is comforting. In the midst of all these new developments, there is a sense of stability."

They all knew how important this was for Sheldon, and they all had to agree: as much as all the changes nowadays were wonderful and exciting, the normality and consistency of having a presence in 4A was invitingly comfortable. They all mused over this thought for a moment, before Raj cleared his throat. "We should probably get going." Since he had already moved most of his stuff out during the week, he only had a few boxes in the boot of his car - the guys had simply come to help pack up the final few things and bid his apartment goodbye.

"You want us to come with you?" Howard offered.

"No, it's okay. Yvette said she's cooking us some dinner since she took the day off." Raj smiled.

"Sounds nice. Need a ride home, Sheldon?" Howard asked, already knowing the answer would be 'yes'.

"Yes please." Sheldon nodded.

"Enjoy your first official night of living together." Leonard patted Raj's arm as he walked past him. "See you at work on Monday."

* * *

><p>"I have a surprise for you." Leonard announced as Penny walked into the apartment and shut the front door behind her.<p>

"Isn't it me who usually says that?" Penny asked jokingly. "And if you're saying that, shouldn't you be naked?"

"Not _that _kind of surprise." Leonard laughed. Picking up an envelope from the side table in the hallway, he handed it to Penny. "Open it."

Curious, Penny took it as she slipped off her shoes and dropped her bag to the floor. "Okay." She noticed that it had already been opened and guessed that had been Leonard, so it opened neatly and easily. Pulling out the contents, she gasped. "Oh my God!"

"I thought I'd really treat you to our first Christmas back together and start that off with some First Class flights over to Nebraska." Leonard grinned.

"Leonard," Penny put a hand to her mouth before flinging herself into his arms. "You're the best."

"I know you were really excited at the prospect of going to Nebraska for Christmas and that we already agreed we would be going, but I just wanted it to be extra special." Leonard smiled into her hair.

Leaning her head back slightly, Penny placed her hands either side of his face. "Thank you." Kissing him softly, she smiled when she pulled back. "You made spaghetti bolognese for dinner. I can taste the bolognese you've been taste testing."

"Correct. That's quite a talent." Leonard laughed, taking her hand.

"Kissing you? Or guessing dinner just by kissing you?" Penny teased as she followed him to the kitchen, swaying her hips.

"Both." Leonard winked back at her.

"Mm, that smells so good." Penny inhaled the scent of his cooking as they entered the kitchen. "You can put me in _loads_, I skipped lunch at college today - it looked gross."

"That's weird - I skipped lunch at the university too. All they had by the time I got there after my meeting was macaroni and cheese, and I didn't want to risk that while at work."

Giggling, Penny took out a jug of iced tea from the fridge to bring over to the dining table along with two glasses. "Smart choice. There's enough toxic gasses going round the science departments without you adding to it."

"Hilarious."

"Uh-huh, I thought it was." Penny stuck her tongue between her teeth. "How was your meeting?"

"Boring. Most of it was Sheldon complaining about things, and everybody else in the Physics department rolling their eyes." Leonard said as he brought over their filled plates and cutlery. "So basically the same as normal."

"Sounds exciting." Penny sat down at the table, accepting a plate of food from Leonard and placing it on her place mat.

"I've been asked to teach a graduate class though, so that's going to mix things up a bit."

"Ooh, that sounds good! Congratulations!"

"Yup, it means on Mondays instead of going in at eight to warm up the lasers and set up equipment, someone else will do it for me and I can come in at nine instead for the nine forty-five class. An hours extra sleep on a Monday is a blessing."

"Mm, that means an extra hour cuddled up in bed together." Penny smiled. "This is delicious, by the way."

"Yup. Thank you, I haven't made it using this recipe before. How was your day?"

"Long. This group project is really tricky - fun, but we have this one guy in the group who just does absolutely nothing and it's so annoying. He left half-way through our meet-up so we emailed our seminar leader to complain, because it's not fair if he gets a good grade from the work _we _did."

"That's good. Other than the lazy guy, how is it?"

"Interesting, but like I said, a little tricky. There's a lot of research to match up so we've split it up to make it easier. We're gonna meet for the same time next week so we've all had time to read up and get started on a few slides each before we come together again and collaborate everything."

"Check you out, all studious and organized!" Leonard grinned.

"I kinda am, aren't I?" Penny said proudly. "Ooh, know what I'm gonna do when we finish dinner? Put our Nebraska trip into my organizer now that it's definite."

"You have an organizer?" Leonard raised a brow in surprise. "Wow."

"I got one when I started back at college so I knew what I was doing and when." Penny told him.

"Huh, I didn't know that."

"I know. I keep it in my purse. Now you know. I just didn't want you to tease me about becoming organized, but I don't care now - tease all you want."

"I'll tease you when I see it." Leonard grinned.

"No, you don't get to see it." Penny said firmly.

"Why not?"

"It's..." Penny shrugged. "Just my thing. My place to put things together."

* * *

><p>"Isn't it kinda ironic that my first commercial of the four is going to be aired during an ad break for NCIS?" Penny said as she brought over a tray of snacks. She had invited the gang round for the airing of one of the four commercials - she herself didn't know which one it would be, but had been told when and where.<p>

"I don't see why we have to watch the entire episode of NCIS just to see your commercial." Sheldon said, who had successfully chosen his spot ten minutes ago: the central cushion of the couch.

"NCIS is pretty awesome." Raj said, taking a sip of his beer.

Shrugging, Penny sat down on the arm of Leonard's armchair. "I just liked the irony of having being cut out of an episode all that time ago and thinking of giving up, and now this commercial thing being right in the middle of that show."

"You have come a long way since then." Leonard smiled as he handed her a bottle of water. He sat in the armchair and she half-slid down onto it, settling beside him so they fit snuggly together.

"I'm excited to see this commercial." Amy said. "I do wish I'd gotten to see you in that play you did in London. When we looked it up, it looked really interesting."

"Yeah..." Penny nodded, feeling Leonard squeeze her arm in a reassuring manner.

"I would have liked to have seen it too, but I think it was nice for Penny to have done that as her own kind of thing." Bernadette said, giving Penny a smile before deciding to change the subject to move away from London, seeing that it was clearly something Penny still wasn't entirely comfortable with. "Do you know when the other commercials are gonna air?"

"No," Penny shook her head, grateful for the change in topic. "Just that today during this show the first one will be shown - I don't know about the rest, but I think it's over the next week the rest of them will come out."

"We have the television on in the waiting room, I'll be keeping an eye out!" Yvette grinned.

"Maybe you'll get a flow of new pet owners once they find out you know the girl from the commercials!" Howard laughed.

"My company is thinking of doing an advert for this new drug, maybe you could be in it." Bernadette suggested. "Tip your agent that you're interested, that kind of thing."

"What's the drug for?" Penny asked cautiously.

"Umm..." Bernadette looked at Penny for a moment before having a change of heart. "On second thoughts, maybe you shouldn't be the face for that drug."

"Aw, now I wanna know what the drug is for." Leonard smirked.

"I'll tell you later."

Penny glared at them both.

"NCIS is starting." Sheldon informed the group, gesturing to the television screen, which he was only slightly envious of Leonard for due to its size. Okay, perhaps more than just _slightly _envious. Playing video games must be amazing.

* * *

><p>"Oh my <em>God<em>!" Raj squealed. "_That's _who you were working with?"

"I know!" Penny nodded giddily from beside Leonard, grinning from ear to ear.

"I have to admit, I'm impressed." Sheldon nodded approvingly.

"How did you manage to keep that from me even when I was _right there _on the set?" Leonard asked.

"If I wasn't introduced then it's only fair that you weren't!" Raj practically yelled, still excited that his friend was in a commercial with someone so famous.

"Hey! If I _was _going to introduce anyone, it would have been Leonard." Penny informed Raj. "But I actually wasn't allowed to and I also wanted to keep it a surprise. I dunno how I didn't tell anyone for so long... but these reactions were worth it!" As Amy began to point out to Raj that she, as Penny's bestie, would have had higher priority in being introduced, Penny leaned in to whisper in Leonard's ear. "You proud? Do I get an extra special treat tonight in bed?"

"You bet." He whispered back, before moving his lips to hers.

"Do you really have to do that right in front of us all?" Sheldon shook his head disapprovingly.

"Our apartment, our rules." Penny stuck her tongue out. "We could be having sex right now and you'd just have to deal with it."

"You want us to leave?" Amy asked.

While Penny tilted her head from side to side as if unsure of her reply, Leonard chuckled and patted her leg. "It's okay, we can wait."

"Oh good, because whatever this movie is, it's really good." Howard said, having been drawn in my the evening movie being aired after NCIS had finished.

Penny glanced at the screen. "Is that because of the women in bikinis?"

"They're only in bikinis for this scene." Bernadette said. "I've seen this movie. If you want I can tell him how the movie ends and we'll go."

"Oh, no, seriously, it's okay." Penny shook her head. "It's still early and we never have you all round anyway, this is nice."

For a moment, the group was quiet as they looked at Penny, but they quickly returned to watching the movie and talking amongst themselves. She turned to Leonard and smiled, enjoying her rediscovered appreciation of being surrounded by her friends. What had not so long ago felt like a social pressure had slowly transformed back to something she could enjoy. Even attending dinners with her friends had made her slightly nervous, and she and Leonard would be one of the first to leave. But now the idea of being with her friends, with so much support and happiness, was incredibly relieving.

Rubbing her arm gently, Leonard placed a kiss on her cheek. "Another hurdle."

"Another hurdle." Penny agreed quietly.

* * *

><p>Although she wasn't quite the threaten-to-punch-you-in-the-throat morning-hating person she used to be, Leonard was still always surprised when Penny was up and about before him. His confused smile just added to Penny's cheeriness on those select mornings.<p>

"Morning sweetie!" Penny sang as she whisked the eggs she'd just cracked.

"Morning," Leonard yawned, walking toward the counter.

"Oh no no, you just go sit on the couch and watch something nice while I make breakfast." Penny said, pointing at him with the whisk.

"Wow. Alright." Leonard chuckled. "What's got you so chirpy this morning?"

"If you don't remember, my boyfriend gave me some pretty amazing lovin' last night." Penny winked, her tongue between her teeth. "The nightlight may have suffered a fatality but I slept like a baby - I've already done some yoga this morning!"

"Your boyfriend must be pretty damn good to have you in such a brilliant mood so early in the morning."

"Oh, you bet." Penny wiggled her eyebrows. "Now you watch your Star Wars... Trek... thing... coffee?"

"Please."

Getting the first bits of French Toast into the pan, Penny poured Leonard a coffee, having already turned on the machine earlier, and brought it over to him. She smiled as she cooked, finding it adorable how he was so easily drawn into his television shows even after having seen them hundreds of times. Once she was done completely, she brought over two plates and cutlery, followed by the breakfast items and her own cup of coffee.

"This all smells and looks delicious." Leonard said appreciatively as she sat down next to him.

"There are few things I can cook - and as you know, French Toast is one of them."

"The French Toast is something I will never forget." Leonard smirked. "Waking up to Shania Twain being played in the apartment is something that stays with you in the best way. Sheldon told me you were dancing... kinda wish I'd seen that."

"Oh yeah?" Penny smirked as she bit into her toast.

"My girlfriend dancing around the kitchen in one of my shirts? That's a must-see."

"Perhaps you'll get just that after breakfast." Penny winked at him.

"Really?"

"Uh-huh. Just eat your breakfast first like a good boy. Anyway, I really wanted to talk to you about something that's been on my mind recently... I've spoken to the girls about it but I've been trying to give it some more thought before really deciding anything."

"Okay, go ahead." Leonard nodded curiously.

"Here's the thing." Penny put her plate down on the table and folded her legs beneath her. "When I was talking to the girls a while back about what I wanted to do career-wise... that kind of got me thinking some more about it, especially now my commercials are all out and stuff."

"Mmhmm."

Penny hesitated before continuing, deciding to just get her thoughts out to him in the hopes they were clearer said aloud than they were in her head. "I'm _really _enjoying college right now. Acting was always something I did as a way of trying to find myself, I suppose, and wanting to make it 'big' was just my attempt of filling this huge space in my life. That was kind of my conclusion, the more I thought about it, you know? It makes a lot of sense to me. And now that I've done this commercial, and we're together, and I've got college and I know what I _want _in life... I realize I _have _found myself, and there _is _no huge gap in my life that I need to fill. I still loved doing that commercial and I still love acting but it's not... it's not part of the big picture anymore." Penny bit her lip as Leonard nodded in understanding, before concluding. "If something comes along that I'm really passionate about doing, then I'll do it. But for now I want to focus on my studying - not full-time, because that's _way _too much for me - but after Christmas I'm going to add an extra class."

Leonard grinned. "That's amazing!"

"Really?" Penny hadn't expected this response, and immediately got defensive. "Are you just happy because it means I'll be doing more studying? You like the idea of me being more into my education than my acting?"

"No, no!" Leonard quickly put a hand on her leg, seeing that she had gotten the wrong idea. "Of course not. I am happy for you to pursue whatever makes you happy. I'm just incredibly happy for you that you've got this figured out for yourself - you look so... comfortable with the idea of it, and that makes me happy."

"So... if eventually I decide to pursue a career along the lines of something to do with Psychology, you'd be okay with that? And you'd also be okay if I continued mixing that up with acting?" Penny asked nervously.

"Absolutely." Leonard nodded, putting an arm around her. "Whatever you want to do, I will support you every step of the way. As long as you're happy with it."

"I am." Penny turned her head to look at him, smiling. "I am happy with it. And you're right - it feels comfortable. Like the way jigsaw pieces sit comfortably when assembled correctly."


	21. So Much Stronger

With Leonard having booked extended time off of work and Penny's end-of-semester project and essay hand-ins, the weeks up until their departure for Nebraska flew by quickly. They celebrated Penny's birthday with a quiet dinner together and attended a university fundraising party with great success for Leonard's department. Before they knew it, the extra hours they were respectively putting in to their workloads had been worked away and they were off to the airport.

The flight gave Penny time to constructively reflect on what had happened between now and the last time she'd been flying to Nebraska - even though that had been from London, she felt almost as though her hometown was in the middle of these two significant journeys. The first had been the conclusion of a two-year struggle in which she had tackled loss, loneliness and depression. Penny was proud of herself; despite the amount of doubt she had had in herself over that time, she had come out of it strong and had allowed herself the opportunity to chase the career she had been waiting for. Now, she was visiting home after a rollercoaster ride including a miscarriage, successful commercials, and a newfound dream in life that came with a deeper understanding of her own self.

She giggled at that phrase as she thought it; _a deeper understanding of myself. _It sounded quite pretentious in her mind, as though she was using her Psychology study skills on her own self in a philosophical manner - the idea of which made her giggle even more. Leonard raised a brow at her sudden laughter. "What're you laughing at?"

Turning her head to face him, Penny smiled. "I was having such a serious train of thought there, and then the voice in my head that thinks things got all... pompous. It made me laugh."

"Pompous? Really?"

"Yes, pompous. There aren't enough opportunities to use that word, and this was one of those rare moments where you can. So I did." Penny tapped his nose. "And yes, I do know funny words like that."

"I wasn't questing your knowledge of the word, just your use of it. It really is rarely used."

"Pompous. Kinda reminds me of Pom Bears." Penny mused. "You know, those teddy bear shaped chips."

"Strange association." Leonard chuckled.

"Whatever." Penny shuffled slightly so she could lean her head comfortably on his shoulder. "Can you believe how much we've gone through since we last came to Nebraska?"

"It been a _lot _that we've gone through." Leonard agreed, squeezing Penny's arm gently. "Both good and bad things. But we got through them all... you know, jumped the hurdles. Knocked a few down and tried again."

Frowning, Penny shut her eyes. "Hopefully when we get back from Nebraska this time there'll be less bad things... _no _bad things happen. I don't think there's anything left for the universe to throw at me."

"No. I think it's made you suffer enough."

They sat in thoughtful silence for a moment, before Penny giggled again. "I suppose it could throw a meteor at me. And then you could get your Hulk on and protect me from that meteor. I mean, I'd rather it didn't, but at this point I think a meteor is next in line. Do me a favour and use your brain power to send the meteor on a non-Penny trajectory, will you?"

* * *

><p>"Oh, sweetheart!" Meryl practically ran down the driveway when Wyatt's car pulled up and Leonard had opened the door for Penny, enveloping her daughter in a tight hug.<p>

Penny reciprocated the hug, before trying to pull away from her mother. "Mom," she warned, "it's okay. I'm okay. I told you. You already saw me like a few weeks ago. And I'm wearing this huge coat and you're kind of beginning to suffocate me."

"Sorry, sorry," Meryl pulled back, quickly dabbing at her eyes before moving on to Leonard and enveloping him in a hug instead. "It's so great to see you again, Leonard."

Rolling her eyes, Penny shook her head at her mothers antics and helped Wyatt get their bags out the boot of the car. Tugging at her boyfriends jacket to rescue him from the hug, she grinned and handed him over his suitcase before going to get her own from her father. "It's okay, Daddy, I can take my own suitcase."

Wyatt looked over at Leonard, who gave him at subtle nod, before handing Penny back her suitcase. While Penny was jumping over hurdles at impressive speeds, she had maintained her need to do things for herself - whether it was to prove herself or simply because she found it comforting to be in control of the little things, he had no idea. Meryl led them all inside, Leonard following Penny and Wyatt bringing up the rear.

"Why don't you two take your things to Penny's room and we'll call you when dinner's ready." Meryl suggested. "It's got about twenty minutes left."

* * *

><p>The first evening was the most difficult for Penny, just as it had been the last time she had come home. Despite their best efforts, her parents were noticeably more cautious about what they discussed and brought up. Penny almost <em>wanted <em>her mother to be putting them in awkward situations by teasing them about grandchildren and the two extra bedrooms at their apartment or keeping quiet in her bedroom until they'd gone to bed so they didn't hear anything on the way. Even her father would be jokingly checking up on the 'grandkids situation', yet now he remained mostly silent. She'd grown up with her mother teasing and making jokes, so their absence was heavy in the conversations they had. After the first couple of hours, she could feel her parents running out of 'safe' topics and long silences began to fill the room - something she _definitely _wasn't used to with her parents. When it hit ten, Penny announced that she was going to go for an early night, something Leonard was happy to go along with. The silences had been uncomfortable and he could tell they were beginning to stress Penny out.

"This is just ridiculous," Penny grumbled as she fell onto the bed, covering her forehead and eyes with her hands. "Why are they acting as if they just... can't talk to me about like, anything? It's... Mom was never like this around me. She doesn't _have _to be."

Sitting beside her on the bed, Leonard shrugged. "They're not with us all the time, maybe they just need some time to work it out for themselves - that you're okay with talking about stuff, that you _notice _these things and that it's harder this way."

"But they're my parents, Leonard!" Penny sat up, groaning. "I don't want to have to sit with them uncomfortably just because they're worried they'll say something that's going to upset me."

"Perhaps you just need to tell them."

"What, just go up to them like, hey, stop walking on egg-shells around me, I'm not gonna start crying if you mention babies and families and emotions?" Penny rolled her eyes. "I know it was different last time, last time I didn't _want _to talk about it - but I never wanted to be treated differently because of it. And they are, maybe they don't see it but they are."

"They just need some time to see that; that you're so much stronger than they think. I see it, and they will too." Leonard assured her. She dropped her head to his shoulder and he put one arm around her, using his free hand to hold one of hers. "They know, they just need to see. Be patient with them; they're you're parents. They just care about you very much."

"I told my Mom when they came to stay over, they don't need to be like this around me. And we even spoke about how it's different for her and Dad, because you're with me all the time so you know me better - you know how to be around me no matter what. They haven't had that since I was eighteen." Penny frowned. "But I still wish they would treat me the same as they always did. I always say I hate it but I miss them making jokes about stupid things. I miss having to tell Mom off for asking how many kids you wanna have, or Dad for asking when his grandkids are gonna arrive. I'm not saying that would be _easy _to take, at least at first, but it would be easier than... this."

"I know. I get that."

Lifting her head, Penny raised her brows. "What about you?"

"What about me?"

"Do you prefer it like this? Does it feel different to you?"

Nodding slowly, Leonard squeezed her hand gently. "It feels different. I'm not sure I prefer it, but to be honest I'm not sure I'd want to be joking about this kind of stuff just yet." He admitted. "Mainly because it always felt a little awkward before, so I'm not sure if it's just because of that or if maybe I haven't had the time to get _there _yet."

Biting her lip, Penny looked at him for a moment and shifted her position so she was sitting with her legs beneath her. She opened her mouth to speak, but as she did so she seemed to change her mind. Her confidence faltered as she decided that this wasn't the best time to talk about things. "You're right," she said instead. "Things are gonna work out with them. And it'll be easier when Bridge gets here - she's quite good at sensing the tone, you know. Can't keep her mouth shut but... yeah." Penny smiled, patting Leonard's leg. "I'm gonna take a shower. Wanna come with?"

Leonard chuckled. "Really? You wanna do that at your parents house?"

"Relax, you know it's an en-suite and I need some stress relief. We've done this here before!"

"Not in the shower. And that's called _using me_." Leonard smirked.

Penny wiggled her brows before leaning in to kiss him. "Do I have to make _you _need some _stress_ relief?" She asked quietly, sliding her hand up his thigh softly.

"Nuh-uh."

* * *

><p>"Penny!" Bridget shrieked, running out of the car and straight at her sister, gathering her into a hug. Pulling back, she held her younger sister at the shoulders. "You okay?"<p>

"Think you just crushed a few ribs, but other than that, yes, I'm fine." Penny nodded.

"And Leonard, so good to see you again too." Bridget hugged a baffled Leonard equally as tight. She was about to ask how he was when Meryl and Wyatt emerged from the house to greet their eldest daughter.

Penny stepped to the side slightly to edge closer to Leonard while Bridget's boyfriend, whom she didn't recognize, stepped out of the drivers side of the car. "That is _not _Andrew." Penny muttered to him from the corner of the mouth. "That girl moves on _real _fast."

Overhearing this, Bridget shot Penny a glare before shuffling down the drive to her boyfriend, leading him up to where her family were. "Guys, this is Josh. Josh, this is my Mom, Dad, my sister Penny and her boyfriend Leonard."

They each shook his hand in turn and said hello, before standing awkwardly for a few seconds. Then, Meryl suggested "why don't we go inside where its warmer, no use standing out here in the cold!"

Wyatt and Leonard went to get the suitcases from the car. Penny walked in beside her sister, needing more answers. "So, seriously, that was _fast_. I'm sure your Facebook still said you were with Andrew like, two weeks ago."

"Oh, that ended like two months ago... I just didn't want to change it so soon. You know it goes on your timeline now when you break up with someone?" Bridget rolled her eyes. "As _if _I need that on there."

"So what happened?" Penny asked, kicking off the shoes she had slipped on to go outside.

"Well, Andrew cheated on me with two different people in one night... so that was over."

"Surely that's a man after your own heart." Penny joked, but her expression changed when she saw her sister was not amused. "Sorry, sorry!"

The guys came back in with the suitcases, Wyatt first and Leonard last, shutting the door behind them. Bridget and Penny stood back to let them through and put the bags down. Meryl appeared back in the hallway with a ladle in her hand. "Bridge, I've made your bed and cleaned the bathroom and all, so you guys can go put your stuff away - just simmering the soup to keep it hot so let me know when you're back down."

* * *

><p>With the three men having been sent out to the supermarket, Leonard and Josh eager to accompany Wyatt to stay on his good side, Meryl had begun the process of washing up, swatting her daughters offers away. Bridget located her younger sister in the front room, grateful for this early opportunity to get to talk to her on her own. "Hey, Little Slugger."<p>

Penny giggled. "Hey Big Slugger."

Sitting down beside Penny, Bridget laughed. "Why is it that we have the most horrific nicknames but we _still _use them by choice?"

"I have _no _idea." Penny shrugged with a fond smile, which quickly faded as her sister opened her mouth to speak. "Look, I know what you're going to ask me."

Bridget bit her lip, looking over at Penny sympathetically. "I just wanna know you're okay. When Mom told me it was a huge shock. And I knew you'd want some space so everyone wasn't crowding you all at once to make sure you were fine - but I just want to make sure that you _are _doing okay."

Sighing, Penny folded her legs beneath her. "I spent two years depressed and alone, and then Leonard came back into the picture and I was finally happy and felt like myself again. Then I find out I'm pregnant, and it's like... this wonderful, amazing thing that I didn't expect but was just so excited about. And _then _on the day I'm planning to tell Leonard that I'm pregnant and get to hear the baby's heartbeat for the first time... no heartbeat." Frowning, Penny looked at her sister. "Considering all of that, I think I'm doing okay."

"That's a lot for one person to take."

"It is. But... I went back to work, and I'm still doing well at college, and I'm happy and Leonard is amazing so... I can take it. I feel like I've recovered as much as I can, given all that."

"You seem quite... I dunno; quiet, around Mom and Dad. Leonard too."

"Bridge, they're literally walking on egg shells around me." Penny groaned. "I hate it! And I've told them, I told them I don't want them to act different around me. You know how Mom is usually making jokes, and Dad is always asking 'so how're the grandkids coming along?' or just... you know, being _normal _- they're acting like there are 'safe topics' and everything else is just going to upset us. But it's not like that, I mean, I don't _know _if we'd take those things as well as usual, especially since they made Leonard uncomfortable before anyway, but I would prefer it to how they are now."

Seeing how frustrated her sister was, Bridget reached over to pat Penny's arm sympathetically. "You want me to talk to them?"

"I don't know." Penny threw her head back. "Yeah, yes, I do. I can't take them picking and choosing topics. Yesterday they changed the channel on the television because there was a woman talking about her pregnancy - I mean, come on!"

"I'll talk to them, I'll talk to them." Bridget assured her sister.

"Like, okay, I still get a little upset about these things. But it's not like, taboo. Ugh, God. Like I need to be stressed about this stuff on Christmas vacation."

Bridget frowned, before sitting up slightly and putting on the best impression of their fathers voice. "So, how're those grandkids coming along, Slugger?"

Glaring briefly at her sister, Penny slouched after a few seconds. "I never knew how much I wanted to have a baby until I lost it. These bad things that happen, they teach you a lot. And I know... I don't want one _now_. When I was speaking to my therapist after it happened, she helped me work out that it wasn't the best time for a baby - and it's true. It's not. God could have told me that in nicer ways, but it's true. And... Leonard and I have never spoken about it before. I guess we both had the idea in our mind, since we got that apartment with spare bedrooms. We just never actually discussed having a child. And when the miscarriage happened, we both agreed that that wasn't the best time to have that discussion, and now we're just continuing on with our lives as they were before."

"Have you spoken to Leonard about it since?"

"Not really." Penny admitted.

"How is he dealing with it all? This must have been really tough for him."

"It was... it was horrible for him. You know he struggled to work in his office at home for a while because he kept thinking about how it could have been the baby's room? It was heartbreaking. But he... he's amazing. Leonard will never understand or realize it but he's so much stronger than I ever could be."

"The fact that you both had each other must have been a real blessing."

"Yes, it was." Penny nodded slowly, her mind flashing back to how he had managed to unfurl her fists from their harming position and even taken on the pain instead in the hospital. She had sometimes wondered how far she would have gone had she been alone in this situation, and she shuddered at the thought, flattening her palms instinctively. "He is a blessing."

Bridget smiled. "I'll talk to Mom, and she can talk to Dad. But I think maybe you should talk to Leonard - even if it is just checking what page he's on."

"Funny, we were saying about that a few days ago - being on the same page. You're right, though. Maybe I'll have to do what you did and ask the grandchildren question in Daddy's voice." Penny giggled, before shuffling over to hug her sister. "God, I needed this so much."


	22. Proud, Happy, Loved

"Leonard?"

"Yeah?"

"How're those grandkids coming along?" Penny asked, doing her best impression of Wyatt.

"Wow, that's... not an impression or question you want to hear after sex." Leonard blinked, looking at her uncertainly as he turned his head to look at her.

Penny giggled as she nodded slightly. "Yeah, in retrospect this probably wasn't the best timing."

Turning fully onto his side and propping his elbow up to support his head in his hand, Leonard smiled shyly as he gave her a serious answer. "I don't think Wyatt's grandkids are on the agenda _just_ yet... but I'd like to think they're somewhere in the fairly near future."

"Really?"

"Yeah." Leonard said, hoping that his answer was somewhat right. Having never had this discussion with Penny before, it was slightly nerve-wracking.

"Good." Penny smiled to his relief, also turning onto her side to look at him. She placed a hand on his cheek. "Me too."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah," Penny nodded. "I just wanted to see what page you're on. Same one as me."

* * *

><p>Fortunately, things got much easier over the next few days and it started to feel much more like Christmas vacation. Scott and Michelle arrived two days after Bridget and Josh. With Bridget having had a word with their parents, Meryl and Wyatt gradually stopped worrying so much about choosing their words and topics and went back to their usual selves making jokes and lighthearted conversations; in turn, Penny and Leonard were able to properly relax and enjoy themselves. It worked both ways, meaning both parties knew there were still sensitive subjects but were no longer stepping on eggshells around each other. Naturally, Scott wanted to know that his youngest sister was okay and with a less tense atmosphere in the house Penny had no trouble explaining to him that she and Leonard were both fine and that there was no need to worry.<p>

Christmas Eve brought along a day of minimal food preparation and a lot of lazing around in the front room with the fire on, and Christmas Day brought on a very lazy morning (in the terms that nobody actually left their rooms until after eleven; the physical laziness was absent in all occupied rooms) and then a relaxed brunch followed by a very hands-on dinner making afternoon involving everybody. They had agreed the night before that rather than opening presents in the morning like they usually would, they would save opening them until the evening after dinner. It was the first Christmas Wyatt and Meryl had celebrated with all three of their children in a very long time, and although they missed being woken up at a ridiculous hour to open presents, they welcomed the new tradition with all the changes that had happened since those days. So it was after an incredibly filling and satisfying Christmas dinner that they all dragged themselves over to the front room with glasses of mulled wine to retrieve their presents from beneath the tree and laze about on the couches and armchairs.

It wasn't only opening presents that everybody enjoyed, it was seeing other peoples reactions to what they had been given that was exciting too. Leonard especially loved Penny's reaction to the framed photo, mall vouchers and silver bracelet he had gotten her - the latters inspiration coming from snooping around her jewelry box and finding that what she didn't have was a memorable bracelet. Penny too loved Leonard's reaction to the watch she had splashed out on, along with a few shirts and nerdy t-shirts. Another couple of hours was spent in company before they all parted for the evening, pleasantly tired from the fun of the day.

With Penny being too busy proudly lining all her gifts up on top of her dresser, Leonard went to take a shower and get ready for bed first. Considering how happy she had been all day and particularly in the evening, it came to his great surprise when he exited the bathroom that she was now standing in front of her wide open window - though thankfully this time she at least was wearing a sweater and jeans.

"Jesus, it's _freezing_," Leonard shuddered, grabbing his robe and shoving it on instinctively.

Penny jumped in surprise, before shaking her head to realign her thoughts to the current moment and looking back over her shoulder. She worked out from Leonard rubbing his hands over his arms in his robe that it must have gotten really cold in the room, and she gave him an apologetic smile. "I'm sorry. I'll close them." Blinking at her reflection in the glass for a moment, she stepped forward to shut the windows. Her hand rested on one of the cool glass panes for a moment before stepping back and closing the curtains too. "There we go. Sorry."

"It's okay, just... huge temperature change from stepping out of the bathroom." Leonard said, taking a step toward her before changing his mind and sitting down on her bed instead. "Everything okay?"

Taking her pajamas from the end of the bed, Penny smiled reassuringly at him. "Yeah, just thinking about stuff. I'm just gonna wash up."

He watched her curiously as she went into the bathroom, trying to work out if he should be worried or not. A freezing cold room didn't exactly indicate that there was _nothing _wrong, but she seemed fine herself. He trusted her to be honest. If anything, he'd find out soon enough when she finished up in the bathroom. Picking up the new book he'd received as a gift from Wyatt and Meryl (which had been accompanied by a very warm fleece hoodie), he got started on reading it while he waited.

"We have to talk," Penny burst out of the bathroom, voice full of objective, buttoning up her pajama shirt.

"Umm, okay." Leonard raised a brow and put his book down to the side, lifting the covers slightly so Penny could get into the bed beside him. "About what?"

Sitting herself beside Leonard, Penny folded her legs beneath her and took Leonard's hand in hers, deciding to come right out and say it. "I want a baby."

"Uh," Leonard stuttered for a moment, not sure of where she was going. "Now?"

"I wouldn't say no to the idea if I got pregnant right now," Penny admitted, "but no, not now. But I _do _want one; I want to have a baby with you, Leonard. I want to have a life with you... I want you in my life; I _need _you in my life. We've had so many things thrown at us that we've been avoiding taking step forwards in case we get thrown back again, but I can't do that anymore. I'm not letting myself take the back seat again when it comes to my own thoughts and how I feel, no matter how terrifying it is to say them out loud. I know what happens when you don't; _you _know what happens when you don't. So I'm telling you now because I can't just keep it to myself: I want to have a baby with you, and I want to have a life with you, Leonard."

Penny looked at Leonard expectantly, and Leonard looked at her curiously for a long while before anything happened.

"Hold that thought."

As he jumped out of bed and went to rummage through his items on the desk, Penny raised a brow. Of all the reactions he could have provided, this was one she hadn't considered. To be honest, it was sort of disappointing - she had expected a lot more. At least an opinion. Leonard looked over at her with a grin.

"Close your eyes."

Sighing, she closed her eyes and leaned her head back so it touched the headboard. All she could hope for was that it wasn't something bad, whatever it could be. Suddenly, she felt him getting back into bed and she bit her lip nervously.

"Okay, open them."

Squeezing her eyes to try eliminate some of her nerves, she opened them slowly as she sat properly. For a moment she was simply confused as she was met with Leonard's wide grin. She looked down slightly to see his hand and gasped. Between his thumb and index finger he held a sparkling silver ring, so beautiful that it made her jaw drop, throat catch and eyes well up in that exact order.

"Oh my God," Penny whispered.

"Penny," Leonard put his free hand on her arm, stroking down until he reached her hand so he could hold it in his. "Will you marry me?"

Too surprised to do anything else, Penny nodded until she managed to squeal out the words "oh my God, yes!"

Penny held out a shaky hand, which Leonard steadied with his own so he could place the ring on her fourth finger. The newly engaged couple stared at the ring on her finger, grinning, before Penny flung her body over Leonard's, effectively pushing him onto his back, and her lips crashed to his. Two Christmases she had spent completely on her own; every positive emotion possible was in that moment heightened beyond belief. "Best. Christmas. _Ever_."

* * *

><p>"Penny!" Bridget shrieked, dropping her mug of coffee the second she saw the ring glinting on her sisters finger.<p>

"Yes?" Penny asked innocently, continuing to whisk the eggs for the French Toast she was making.

"Who the hell is shrieking? And who broke my mug?" Meryl asked, walking into the kitchen with Wyatt. "Penny, why - _how _- are you up cooking breakfast before us?"

"Ooh, French Toast." Wyatt nodded approvingly.

"Not for you, Dad, it's for me and Leonard." Penny pointed the whisk at Wyatt.

"Mm-mm!" Bridget's eyes were wide as she pointed at Penny's left hand, apparently unable to form words.

"Bridge, _what _are you - oh, _oh_!" Meryl's eyes also grew wide as she too spotted the ring on Penny's finger.

Looking down at the now whisked eggs, Penny simply grinned to herself.

"What're you too so surprised about?" Wyatt raised a brow. Wordlessly, Meryl stood behind him and turned his head with her hands so he was looking in the right direction. It took him a few seconds to figure out what he was supposed to be looking at and when he did, his jaw dropped. "Oh my God, Slugger."

Walking into the kitchen, Scott was a little faster than the rest of them. "What're we all - whoa, _whoa_, oh my _God._ Penny!"

Leaving her family in suspense a little longer, Penny moved the whisk over to the sink slowly. Coming back to the counter she was working at, she looked at them all for a moment before glancing down at her ring and then back up again. "Oh, this? Right, yeah, about that." Grinning, she lifted her left hand and wiggled her ring finger. "Leonard and I are engaged!"

Within the next few seconds they were all hugging her tightly, each exclaiming a different form of congratulations. All of a sudden, Bridget had released herself from the group hug and run off. There were no questions needing answers when they heard a door being barged open and a high pitched "oh my _God _Leonard congratulations you are so amazing!" Seconds later he was being dragged into the kitchen by Bridget, and soon after Michelle and Josh followed from Scott and Bridget's bedrooms to see what all the commotion was about.

Penny's plans for a quiet breakfast in bed with Leonard disappeared when her parents insisted they threw an 'engagement breakfast' for them. Bridget took over the French Toast preparation (both sisters had a knack for cooking this, something that had been passed down from their mother), insisting that Penny and Leonard go relax in the front room. Penny would have liked to continue cooking and have breakfast in private but she figured she could do that when they returned to Pasadena.

"I smell pancakes." Penny sat up quickly, her nose twitching as she appreciatively inhaled the scent wafting through from the kitchen. "And bacon. Oh my God. That's the best."

"It does smell great. And you were just gonna make me French Toast!" Leonard teased, nudging her side.

Penny leaned in to kiss him as a compromise. "I'll make you anything you want when we're at home baby... within reason. I wouldn't want to give my _fiancé _food poisoning."

"That sounds great to me. Breakfast is your forte."

"Yup, and dinner is yours so I expect something _super _delicious when we get back. By the way, making good takeout choices doesn't count."

"I'll find something good to cook for us, don't you worry."

"I look forward to it. And maybe a small glass of champagne to celebrate. Then we can go out for dinner with out friends to celebrate the following day."

"Hmm. I like the sound of that."

Suddenly, Bridget burst into the room, flopping down in Wyatt's armchair with a slice of crispy bacon in her hand. "So how was the engagement sex?"

"_Bridget_!" Penny exclaimed, while Leonard simply stared at her.

"What? I'm just asking!"

"It was great." Penny smirked, putting a hand on Leonard's thigh. "Wasn't it, sweetie?"

"Uh, yeah, it was great." Leonard said after clearing his throat.

"Great? Ugh, you guys are boring. I get more details from Cosmo."

"Oh, you want details, do ya?" Penny's eyes glinted as she arched a brow. "That thing you _hate _doing? Totally did that. In the shower."

Bridget raised her brows and blinked rapidly as she looked at her sister, and Leonard was instantly reminded of how Penny had a similar reaction too when she didn't have a verbal response. "O-kay! So I'm gonna go back to the kitchen and help bring breakfast over here. It is literally a _feast_. Michelle was in charge so it's all _really _tasty. Wait 'til you try the eggs!"

Giggling as her sister hurriedly escaped, Penny cuddled herself into Leonard's side. "You'd think Bridget has no limits when it comes to sex but she _really _hates that. Especially from her little sister."

"Well... that is quite a thought to process, in all fairness." Leonard pointed out.

"Yup. It's called pay back!"

"For asking?"

"Yes and no. Like I said, she has few limits when it comes to sex. That girl left me more than just a little scarred. Now I get my turn to return the... favor."

* * *

><p>"Leonard?"<p>

"Mm?" Leonard sleepily stroked Penny's arm with one finger, already half asleep.

"When did you get a ring?"

"Few years ago."

Drawing patterns on his bare chest, Penny furrowed her brow. "So you had it the whole time you were away on those expeditions?"

"Yeah."

"Wow." Penny said in awe, leaning up to gently kiss him. "You're amazing. I love you."

"I love you too." Leonard smiled. His eyes were closed but he could sense Penny's stunned eyes and gentle smile of awe. "Come on honey, we need to sleep."

"Right." Penny giggled, settling her head back on the pillow and nuzzling against his neck. "Sorry baby. Goodnight."

"Mm, night."

Penny lay there with her eyes closed as she listened to Leonard fall the rest of the way into a full, deep sleep. In her mind she congratulated herself: she was engaged, and this whole trip had gone without her breaking down over something. Throughout the whole holiday she had been very self-conscious and aware of the time she had ended up on her bathroom floor with deep cuts in her hands and how Leonard had helped her get out of that frame of mind - even learning that she could harm herself in her sleep.

This time round the only frame of mind she was in was an unarguably positive one. Proud, happy, loved.


	23. Hope

"What is _this _I see on your finger?" Ellen gasped as Penny stepped into her office.

"Oh, no biggie, just my freakin' _engagement ring_!" Penny squealed, jumping up and down on the spot.

"Oh my God!" Ellen's eyes widened as Penny stuck her hand out so she could see the ring. "That's so beautiful! Congratulations!" She stepped forward to hug her.

"Thank you, I'm so happy!"

"I can tell! Seems like you had a great end to last year and start to this one." Ellen laughed. "You want a drink?"

"Some coffee would be great. It's freezing outside and I'm still a little tired from our flight back over." Penny nodded, sitting down on the familiar couch.

"Right, you guys flew to Nebraska for Christmas. How was it? Apart from the engagement, of course."

"It was really nice to be back with my family and have all of us together - my brother and sister even brought their partners with them so it was just... nice, you know, seeing everybody together and happy. And getting to all spent New Year together too - we haven't done that since... I dunno, since I was seventeen."

"That sounds lovely."

"It was. How were your holidays?"

"Great too, the whole family was together this year and his parents even flew over to join us so that was wonderful after last year."

"Aw, I'm glad." Penny smiled as Ellen handed her a hot mug of coffee and sat opposite her.

"Me too." Ellen nodded, flipping open her notepad and picking up a pen. "I'm curious; what brings you here so soon after your holiday? Things seem to be going well."

"They are. They really are. But I'm still healing and I need your help every once in a while. I just want this year to work out." Penny admitted.

"Of course. That's what I'm here for." Ellen smiled reassuringly.

"Right." Penny nodded, taking a deep breath. "I told Leonard I want a baby. And it's true; I really, _really _want one. I know we're probably not ready for one and I need to complete this academic year without further disruption but I just... ever since we lost the baby and I could think properly about it, it's just made me want one even more."

"You've told him; but have you spoken about it properly?"

"Kinda. Not in depth, I mean, we're not going to start planning having a baby or anything, but... yeah, we've given it more of a discussion than we had before."

"So what is the issue?"

Shrugging, Penny sighed. "There isn't one, I guess. I suppose I just feel a little overwhelmed by this all and I don't want it to scare Leonard. Sometimes I still find it hard to tell where he is in this whole process."

"Have you not discussed where each of you are?"

"We have. But I just... like I said, _I'm_ overwhelmed by this, it's probably a lot for him. We knew each other for over six years, and that's how long it took me to have the balls to tell him that I loved him - and now all of a sudden I want _everything_. That must be so confusing for him, _I'm _confused. But I kinda like this stage of my life, knowing what I want."

"Didn't you once tell me that _he _was the one who wanted... what was it? Smart and beautiful babies from the beginning, since day one?"

This got a grin out of Penny. "Yeah."

"See? It's just a matter of navigating a time you both feel ready to take that step and deciding how you want to go about it, especially now that you're engaged. As long as you're honest with each other, you'll get there. Now that you know what _you _want, find what you want as a couple. Stay on the same page."

"Do you think we should wait until we're married to have a baby?"

"I think you should do whatever feels right for the both of you."

* * *

><p>After a relaxed session with Ellen, Penny headed home and started on dinner since Leonard would be home relatively soon. He arrived not long after she was finished and he was pleasantly surprised to find dinner on the table and Penny in the kitchen pouring two glasses of wine.<p>

"Hey." Penny grinned as she heard him walk in, looking up while she put the cork back in the top of the bottle. "Great timing."

"This smells great."

"I made sure the water was boiling and the oven was on this time."

"Wow, we become engaged and suddenly you can cook!"

"Hilarious." Penny rolled her eyes, smiling, as she handed him his glass of wine. There wasn't very much wine in them, but Penny was beginning to enjoy these small things in her life again.

Dinner was pleasantly relaxed and the couple moved over to the couch to watch some television and read together. It was something they enjoyed about living together; even the simplest of tasks were always done with companionship. Tranquil as they were that evening, Penny couldn't help but overthink something that had come to her after leaving Ellen's office. Eventually, she put down the book she was taking notes from while Leonard enjoyed an episode of _Babylon 5 _and looked over at him. She studied him for a moment, waiting for the right moment to take his attention away from the screen.

"Leonard?"

"Yeah?"

Leaning over, Penny shut off the television. "This might seem kind of... I don't know how you feel about it."

"About what?" Leonard prompted when Penny didn't continue to explain. He watched her fidget with the hem of her sweater for a while, her brows furrowed in thought. "Penny?"

"I named the baby." Penny stated, watching him for a reaction. "I named her Hope."

Leonard only looked at Penny for a moment, comprehending the emotion in her voice that he knew reflected the thought that went into the process and decision to tell him. If he knew her, it wasn't something she had set out to do - often moments like these came to her during a certain bout of emotional thought processes, and he knew she had visited Ellen earlier in the day. It was almost like an epiphany, a beautiful epiphany. He smiled. "That's a lovely name."

"You really think so?" Penny asked quietly, her voice catching. It had felt right to name their baby, but she had been unable to predict how he would react, especially since she hadn't consulted him first. She knew he was supportive of her choices, but she'd been wondering if perhaps he would have preferred to have an input.

"Yeah." Leonard assured her and he took her hand in his as he moved closer. "I do. And I love that she has a name; I think she deserves that. _We _deserve that. She - _Hope - _was an important part of our life and journey; she still is."

"Thank you." Penny whispered, closing her eyes. Taking a steady breath, she felt him kiss her forehead and opened her eyes. "Will you write that for me? In that book I have with the ultrasounds; will you write her name?"

"Of course I will."

* * *

><p>"Does it bother you that there's stuff about me from the time we were apart that you don't know about me?"<p>

"Not really." Leonard turned to look at Penny, who was lying facing him in bed with her head propped up in her hand. "I know that there's stuff that you're not comfortable talking about or would rather keep to yourself. What's brought that up?"

"Oh. Okay." Penny watched him work for a few minutes before frowning. "Sometimes it bothers me that I _haven't _told you."

"Really?" Leonard closed his laptop. "Why?"

"Well... we're getting married and we're having a baby."

"We are?"

"Not right now! I meant that it's in our future!"

"Well then word your sentences better!"

"I'm sorry! Geez." Penny rolled her eyes, nudging him playfully. "_Anyway_ - I had a serious point here, Leonard!"

"Okay, I'm sorry."

"It's okay." Penny sighed, lying down on her back. Leonard placed his laptop on the nightstand and picked up his book instead. She listened to him reading for a moment, enjoying the peacefulness of him turning the pages. It was a relaxing silence and she felt a blanket of security fall over her. "I used to lie in bed and before I tried to fall asleep I would think about how much easier things would be if I just didn't wake up."

Her confession took a few seconds for Leonard to process, and they sat in a pregnant silence for a moment. Then, he closed his book and placed it on his laptop. "What? Penny..."

"The worst part is that it never made me upset. It sort of relaxed me." To his surprise, Penny smiled. "Do you know how glad I am now that I woke up every single morning?"

Nervously, Leonard looking down at his hands. "Did you ever-"

"No." Penny hummed thoughtfully. "Of all the times I was strong enough, I was never strong enough to actually do anything worse than cut my own hands."

"Sometimes your weakness is what saves you." Leonard shuffled down the bed so he could lean his head up in his hand, the other gently covering Penny's arm just below her shoulder. "It's like a blessing in disguise."

"No. A blessing in disguise is making that choice to move to London and then finding you there. Waking up every morning was that little part of you left in my heart promising me that getting through the day was going to be worth it." Penny turned her head a little to look at Leonard, who could only stare at her with admiration. "I love you, you know. I told you right at the start - the fact that I loved you never went away."

"You did. You did tell me." Leonard nodded slowly. "I just didn't know any of that."

"That's why I told you. After a while it gets easier to talk about these things and it actually feels _good _to share that it happened. You reach a certain point where you can reflect on it safely and confidently know that you're not that person anymore." Penny closed her eyes. "There are still things I wouldn't tell you. But I can safely say going to sleep and waking up with you are two of the best moments of every single day. Do you know why I told you all of that?"

"Why?"

"When I was looking at you just then, it felt so... relaxing. Peaceful. And the more I tell you, the more peaceful my mind is. Sometimes these memories just come back up and getting them out in the open gives me the chance to jump another hurdle. I hope they don't scare you, but they just... make it easier to keep moving on."

"I'm just glad that you wake up. Very, _very _glad."

"Me too. And hey, if I don't wake up, it's because I'm having a lie in or ignoring you for ignoring my lie in." Penny grinned. "Exactly as I will be tomorrow morning."

"God forbid I awake the dragon."

"Hey!" Penny poked him in the ribs. That was what she loved about him - he knew when to let it go; when it was best to steer away from keeping conversations too serious and when she needed to lighten up the mood. He understood the severity of the situation but didn't trap her into that mind frame and instead followed her cues to how she felt _presently _- and that was something she knew was a huge factor in moving forward. It was one thing for her to co-operate with her own journey but he had to be there too, just the way he was now. It had taken him a while, and she didn't blame him, but it seemed to have clicked into place now.

"I'll keep the TV volume on low so I don't wake you up like last time."

"Thank you. I did _not _want my unwanted alarm to be the Doctor Who theme tune of all things."

"I'm sorry. But to be fair, you _did _once wake me up in the middle of the night with _Sex and the City _because you couldn't get to sleep." Leonard chuckled, reaching over to switch out the light.

"I told you, the episode I watched that afternoon left me on a Carrie Bradshaw cliffhanger and I couldn't just _not _watch the next episode." Penny told him, laying her head on his chest and wrapping an arm around his waist.

"Could have watched it in the living room instead of in here." Leonard mumbled, his face in her hair.

"I was comfortable plus the DVD was already in here. And you were the one who suggested having a television in here." Penny smiled into his t-shirt.

"So can I watch Doctor Who in here?"

"No. That's banned after I woke up to that creepy thing in that episode on the screen."

"Alright."

"If it's Harry Potter then you can watch it in here. Just low volume. I'll accept Babylon 5 too because I liked that when I was in London."

"Okay. I'll remember that."

Giving Leonard a squeeze, Penny smiled into his t-shirt. "Love you."

"I love you too, Penny."

Penny hummed a contented sigh before they both relaxed, ready for sleep. After a few seconds, Penny squeezed Leonard again. "I think I need to learn to take care of myself a little bit more before we have a baby."

"You're getting there." Leonard assured her, giving her arm a lazy rub.

It was a wonderful feeling of relief that Penny felt when Leonard said those words. _You're getting there_. All too often, people would say 'but you're already there' and leave her questioning herself - who should she believe? That uncertainty was never productive. But Leonard's assurance that she was _getting _there let her know that he could see her journey - how far she had gone, what she still had to achieve. He saw that there were parts of the journey he'd never see or understand. He saw that she was the only one who'd know when in her journey she felt capable of taking on more, and saw the bravery in admitting that she _knew _she wasn't there yet. "Thank you."

"I think I need to learn to take care of myself too." Leonard thought aloud. After having kept his own struggles inside for so long so that he could focus more on Penny, he'd learnt that simply sharing these things with Penny was incredibly relieving. It had taken him a long time to understand that she _did _see his struggles, no matter how hard he tried to hide them away from her. He'd learnt the hard way that trying to protect her from his pain only caused her more pain and worry. It had taken a few sessions with Ellen before he had confessed to Penny about his ongoing difficulties with using his office and thinking of it as their child's room, or even about his guilt of not ever noticing these changes in Penny - first during his voyage, secondly her pregnancy. But Penny had proven to be the source of help he'd needed all along. All she'd had to say was "I know" to show him that she'd been watching him suffer this whole time, but respecting his privacy and giving him his own space like he'd given her hers.

Leaning up slightly, Penny moved to kiss him gently on the lips and stroke his cheek with her thumb. "You're getting there too. I promise."

Once she'd laid back down, Leonard moved a hand gently to her stomach. "We can do this. We'll figure it out. It'll happen when it happens."

Feeling a shiver run down her spine, Penny hummed contentedly. _We can do this_. Yes, the battles she had fought with herself had all been worth it for these moments with Leonard. Maybe they didn't have everything figured out, but that wasn't what life was about - it was about the journey and tackling that which obscured it. The reward was well worth it.


	24. Make Her Laugh

"Leonard?"

Immediately panicking at the tone of her voice, Leonard shut his laptop and grabbed for his keys, prepared to leave instantly. "Penny? What's wrong?"

There was a long silence before Penny sniffed into the phone. "Nothing. Nothing; I just needed to talk to you."

"Where are you? Do you want me to come and get you?"

"I'm at home sweetie, it's okay." Penny ran the back of her hand over her eyes. "I just need to talk to you a little."

"Okay." Leonard said softly, relaxing a little. "We can talk."

"How's your day going?" Penny asked, sitting back in the sofa as she felt herself beginning to calm down.

"It's not been too bad, actually." Leonard said, quickly deciding to continue talking about his day having sensed her need for a safe distraction. "I taught my class this morning, and then ran a few small experiments before lunch. There was this one student who _always _reminds me a little bit of Sheldon, but then I remember nobody can be as crazy as Sheldon - but he comes pretty close. He always thinks his answer is right and his methods are better than anyone else in the class. Anyway, someone threw a wad of paper at him so that was kinda funny, I mean it shouldn't be but it was. Obviously as the teacher I shouldn't laugh, so I held it in - you'd be quite proud of my acting skills there, having to tell them off. Then I almost spilt diet coke on a laser earlier too after lunch. Which was _n__ot _funny, I'm pretty sure I had a mini heart attack. I'm just writing the experiments up now - I _did _spill some diet coke on my notebook, but I guess that was the lesser of two evils."

Despite herself, Penny smiled and laughed a little. She loved that about him; the way he made her laugh when she didn't feel like it. "At least the laser is safe."

"I think it got a tiny bit of a splash from the fizz but there's no _actual _damage."

"That's good. I wouldn't want you to stop being able me to show me all those laser displays and experiments. You know how much I enjoy those." Penny said quietly. She had enjoyed listening to him talk; his anecdotes always had a way of taking her mind off of things so her subconscious could process them in the background. "I was just doing some preparation work for my class next week." There was a silence, and she knew that Leonard was holding back asking her 'how did it go' because he knew that this was probably where her problem lay. "It's looking into the psychological effects of self-harm and I just... it was really... thinking about it was just more difficult than I expected."

"Oh, honey." Leonard ran a hand through his hair, wishing that he was there to hold her but at the same time admiring her dedication to getting through it. "Just take your time with it."

"Yeah. I will; I'm trying. I knew it was coming up and that's why I wanted to get a head start on the subject but..." Penny trailed off, looking at her closed laptop. "I just wanted to call you and talk for a bit."

"I'm always here to talk when you need me."

"Leonard?"

"Yeah?"

"You know when you asked me the other night if I had ever considered going any... further with the self-harm and... that?" Penny could hear him cautiously nod, a slow rustle as his face moved against the phone with a faint hum of acknowledgement. "If I had said yes, would you have thought differently of me?"

"Penny, I would never think any differently of you. I love you. No matter what did or did not happen, I still think you are incredibly strong and admiringly brave."

"I never did anything. I just thought about it sometimes." Penny whispered, almost as if she was assuring herself of these facts.

"I'm glad you didn't, Penny; I'm going to be eternally grateful that you didn't. But even if you _had_, I would not have thought any differently of you. No matter what you went through, what you were strong enough or too weak for, you are still the same Penny that I love."

Feeling her eyes fill with tears for a whole different reason than earlier, Penny smiled into the phone. "Thank you."

"I'm just telling the truth."

"You should get back to work and I should get back to studying." Penny said softly, hugging a couch cushion to her chest and resting her chin on it. "You'll be home at the usual time, right?"

"Yeah. I'll try leave a little earlier and pick us up something for dinner."

Usually Penny would insist he needn't leave early or bother with dinner since she was home anyway, but this time she both wanted and needed his company and somebody to take care of her for a little while. "That sounds great."

"I'll let you know when I'm leaving."

"Okay, good luck with your work. Don't spill any more diet coke. I love you baby."

"I love you too, honey."

* * *

><p>With the hurdle of a new perspective on her own issues jumped over, Penny settled into the new semester in a cautiously prepared fashion that worked out for the best. As she was taking an extra class, there was more work and less free time - but going over the topics beforehand allowed her to keep focused during class and research further afterwards, and then link everything together. Her mind had never worked that way without her really trying, so she knew that she needed that extra time and effort. She came to enjoy her evenings at home with Leonard, both of them sat at the dining table with their laptops out doing work before retiring to the bedroom. He had always been very focused and thus gave her a great motivation not to stray from the work she was doing; as much as she enjoyed her work and classes, old habits died hard. She'd never been particularly attentive in her youth but the subject and the study partner was always a great help.<p>

"I could do this, you know," Penny said one evening as she saved her essay notes.

"What?" Leonard asked, scribbling his answer down to the equation he was working on before the conversation distracted him.

"Psychology. I'd quite like to do something like Ellen does. Use my personal experience and this education to help other people." Penny furrowed her brows. "It would be tough and it's a lot of work, but I reckon it's something I could do."

"It is a lot of work, but it's definitely something you could do." Leonard agreed. "You'd be really great."

"You think so?"

"Yeah. I really do." He smiled.

She smiled back at him, biting her lip. "I could wear my glasses more often." Okay, perhaps she _did_ still have a habit for going off-topic when she should be studying.

"I would definitely like that." And Leonard sometimes wasn't as focused as he should be, especially when Penny started talking about hot things to him. He didn't really think glasses were hot, but they were when she wore them. Or mentioned wearing them. Or he imagine her wearing them.

"Mm. Maybe I should put them on now and do some more work." Penny said softly, getting up and leaving for the bedroom. She came back with the glasses on; Leonard still hadn't returned to his work or even attempted to pretend he had. "There we go. Much better."

"Yeah. Much better." Leonard agreed.

"You must be _so _tired from working on all of those equations you're doing." Penny pouted at him sympathetically, coming round to his side of the dining table.

"I am. I really am." Leonard gave a dramatic sigh. If she was playing this game, he sure as hell was going to play along and enjoy the benefits too.

"My poor little homunculus." Penny sat herself in his lap. "Perhaps we need to take a break. I think we've done a lot of work today."

"We have." Leonard agreed quickly. He definitely liked where this was going. "And you worked really hard. You deserve a break from all of that. A little bit of relaxation."

"Uh-huh. I do." Penny stroked his cheek with her thumb, slinging her other arm around his neck and playing with the curls on the back of his head.

"And you look so hot in those glasses." Leonard stated, one arm around her waist, the other hand gently rubbing her thigh.

"Mm. Now you're talking."

* * *

><p>"Huh." Leonard raised his brows.<p>

"I guess we have a knack for breaking chairs." Penny said slowly as she sat up.

"I guess we do."

"Good thing the dining table didn't break." Penny knocked on said dining table.

"Good thinking to move onto it after the chair made that sound."

"Good thinking to lift us off the chair when there was that crunch." Penny held her hand up and they high-fived. "Too bad about that mark on the wall."

"Well... we'll get that fixed." Leonard shrugged. They both stared at the dent in the wall from where the chair had slammed into it, Penny with a lip-bite of guilt and Leonard with a smirk. "Or maybe we leave it there as a memory."

"What? So what're we gonna tell people when they ask about it?"

"You really think people are gonna point out a dent in a wall in someone's house?"

"Well I don't think I want to explain to my parents that the reason there's a dent in the wall is because we were having sex and we got a bit... enthusiastic."

"_We_? That was you!"

"Alright, fine, it was me." Penny giggled, and suddenly her eyes widened. "Leonard?"

"Yeah?"

"We're gonna have to give this table a _really _deep clean and scrub-down. And maybe consider tablecloths for when we have dinner guests."

"Tablecloths would probably be for the best. We can stock up on some tomorrow." Leonard agreed. "We could add a layer of varnish just for good measure too."

"Smart idea." Penny nodded. "But we're not gonna be doing that tonight."

"Well, obviously. I don't think anywhere sells wood varnish at this hour."

"Mm, I don't know." Penny mused, wrapping her arms around Leonard's neck. "I reckon I could definitely varnish some wood before it hits midnight."

* * *

><p>Aside from exclamations of pleasure, Penny very rarely stopped to speak during sex. It was usually Leonard who had a question in their earlier dating days, but this time it was Penny who hit the imaginary pause button.<p>

"Leonard, stop." Penny ordered breathily, her eyes shooting open.

"Oh my God. Am I hurting you?" Leonard asked as he filled with panic and came to an immediate still.

"No. Not at all. This feels amazing." Penny shifted her body slightly, resulting in an involuntary moan - which satisfied Leonard in her point being proven.

"What's wrong then?"

"Nothing. I just had an idea."

"Do you want me to-"

"No, stay right where you are."

"Umm, okay."

"I think we should get married on the day I moved in to 4B."

"Seriously? That's why we had to stop?"

"We didn't stop! We're just pausing! If you plan to stop this then we are _not _getting married whatsoever."

"Trust me, I don't plan for this to stop. But you could have told me that later."

"I didn't want to forget! It would be such a good day. September is right after the summer-"

"I'm so glad you know where September is in the seasonal calendar."

"Shut up, I'm trying to be quick with this. Anyway, it wouldn't be too hot or too busy a time like the summer season, it's a special day and it's far enough in advance for us to plan it out perfectly."

"Okay, September wedding it is." Leonard confirmed.

"Ooh now this feels even better." Penny smiled to herself, shuddering. "Mmm... okay baby, pressing play!"

* * *

><p>"What the hell?" Leonard's eyes went wide as Penny returned from her 'just need to grab a notepad for the wedding planning' rush around the stationery section with her arms full, dumping it all into the trolley.<p>

"What?" Penny shrugged. "I want this organized properly! Look, I even got blue stuff so that you don't feel like it's too girly."

"This is going to be the _weirdest _shop ever. Tablecloths, stationery and candles."

"Forgive me for wanting to make our dinner a little more romantic tonight!" Penny rolled her eyes. "Do they sell varnish here?"

"Not the kind we need. Should we get more cleaning products?"

"I already scrubbed that table to an inch of my life this morning, Leonard, but that doesn't mean I used up all the bottles of everything."

"Okay, just checking. Do we need anything else while we're here?"

"I dunno, I told you to check the kitchen."

"And I told you to double check because you always complain that I missed something off."

"Fine, in which case we need cookies and orange juice and eggs and coffee and bread and tomatoes and-"

"Why don't we just go through _all _the aisles and pick stuff up as we go?"

"Why didn't you just suggest that in the first place?"

"Because usually I just go straight to the ones I need, since I _know _what we need. You just add a bunch of stuff on."

Tilting her head, Penny pouted and then giggled, tapping his nose with a finger. "Sheldon really drilled that _necessities only _thing into you, didn't he?"

"Yeah." Sighing, Leonard looked down at his feet.

"Don't worry, I'm sure soon enough you'll catch onto my... reckless, as Sheldon calls it, shopping habits - soon enough. We've had this _what else do we need _discussion in this section of the store more than enough times."

"We really have." Leonard chuckled. "Come on, we have some reckless grocery shopping to do."

"Oh, remind me to get candy. I'm gonna need that in two to three days time, otherwise you're on candy duty again. And you are _not allowed _to eat it this time."

"I ate _one _candy bar!"

"Which meant one less candy bar for Penny!"

"Don't worry, I learnt my lesson when you threw the hot water bottle at me. And the bagel."

"Which was one less bagel for Penny!"

"That was your own fault."

"You may regret saying that in two the three days time." Penny warned. "Let's get this shopping done. I wanna start looking for venues and we're having dinner at Sheldon and Amy's tonight."

"Good thing dinner at Sheldon and Amy's isn't in two to three days time." Leonard smirked.

As much as Penny wanted to glare at him, she couldn't help but laugh. He could _always _make her laugh - even right there in the fruit aisle as she went to pick up a bag of apples, he could make her laugh over a sentence which would have annoyed her had it been said by anyone else. And he knew she'd laugh, he knew she wouldn't try hit him with the bag of apples for his comment. It was one of those tiny moments where she stopped to think to herself, _this is why I'm marrying him_, and she gave him a quick peck on the lips before placing the apples in the trolley.


	25. Always Imagined

"I _will _shove this sandwich in your face." Penny threatened, shooting Leonard a glare.

"Okay, fine, we're not getting married at the Supercollider! I was just joking!" Leonard quickly scribbled out _Supercollider _on their (well, mostly _his) _list of possible wedding venues. "I was only joking. Promise."

"We do _not _joke about wedding venues." Penny punched his arm before biting into her sandwich.

"Ouch! That's going to bruise!" Leonard scowled, rubbing his arm. "Alright fine, no joking about wedding venues. Maybe we should decide on which, you know, country and State and whatever we want to get married in first to narrow down options." He suggested.

"Mm'kay." Penny said through a final mouthful of sandwich.

"I'd say the best options are California or Nebraska."

Munching furiously, Penny managed to swallow enough of her sandwich to ask a food-muffled "not New Jersey?"

"Hell no. _Not _New Jersey."

"'Kay, not New Jersey." Penny nodded. She finished her sandwich while Leonard tapped his pen repeatedly on the notepad, before she rolled over to lie on her back. "We're okay weather-wise in either place. I mean, obviously it'll be hotter here but it's usually still quite warm in Omaha in September."

Without even looking, Leonard took the hot water bottle Penny had been lying on and placed it over her stomach. "It could be a bit _too _hot here though. I don't wanna be sweating through my tux."

"It's the twenty-first century, you forget that air conditioning exists that isn't controlled by Sheldon."

"True." Leonard nodded. "What about rain?"

"More likely to rain in Nebraska." Penny twisted her lips. "I think I'd rather get married here. We met here, we live here; our life is here. We're a '_we' _in California, you know? It just makes more sense."

Turning slightly and folding his legs beneath him, Leonard raised a brow at her. "Penny, are you sure?"

"Uh-huh. I just went along with the Omaha idea for a little bit to see if I'd change my mind, but I always imagined us getting married in Pasadena. Or California, at least."

"Always imagined, huh?" Leonard smirked.

"Shut up." Penny rolled her eyes. "What d'you say we don't tell anyone we've set a date until we actually send out the invitations?"

"Why?"

"It would be fun to surprise them. We don't have to, it just seems like fun for it to come out of the blue."

"Okay... a wedding surprise is kinda fun I guess." Leonard agreed with a small smile. "What do we tell people if they ask?"

"I dunno, just say we're still thinking about it. Now get off the bed."

"Umm, why?"

"I want coffee but I don't wanna get up and make it myself."

* * *

><p>"<em>Holy <em>crap on a cracker."

"What?" Leonard glanced up from his laptop only to see Penny's wide-eyed stare at her own laptop screen. "Are you okay?"

"Look at this." Penny said, her hands shaking as she turned her laptop around so Leonard could see the screen.

Leaning in, Leonard scanned the page she had open on her laptop. "Oh my God - oh my _God _- one hundred percent? That is _amazing_!"

"I'm seriously seeing, that, right? That's what it says? I'm not imagining it?"

"Yes - it says it right there - full marks, one hundred percent!" Leonard said excitedly, double-checking the page.

"Oh my God." Penny simply blinked at him in disbelief. "Oh my God. That was the essay on - I can't _believe_ - I've _never _gotten anywhere _near _- oh my God!" Suddenly she jumped up as her grade sank in, and the shock transformed into full-blown excitement. Running over to Leonard, he managed to stand up just before she launched herself into an embrace. "I actually got that grade! _Me! _I got full marks on a paper! An essay that _I _wrote! I can't believe it! Can you believe it?"

"I can absolutely believe it."

* * *

><p>"Leonard. Leonard, wake up."<p>

"Mmh." Leonard groaned into his pillow, half-asleep and only half paying attention to the unwelcome wake-up call.

"Leonard!" Penny scowled, nudging him sharply with her elbow. "Wake _up_!"

Suddenly it clicked in his mind that the voice was Penny's and he shot up, instantly wide awake and alert. "What, what's wrong? Are you okay? Are-"

"Leonard, I'm fine-"

"Are you sure? Is everything alright?"

"Yes, I just-" Penny put a hand up to silence Leonard's following line of thought. "Leonard, I promise you, _I'm fine_."

"Then why did you just wake me up?" Leonard rubbed his eyes and yawned, feeling himself edging towards tiredness once more now that the panic was over.

"Beca-ause," Penny whined, hoping she wouldn't need to elaborate. Apparently she did - after a few seconds, Leonard still looked as confused as ever and seemed to be drifting back to sleep even his seated position. Sighing, Penny semi-rolled to straddle him and pushed on his chest so he was lying back down before kissing him deeply. "This is why." She smirked, moving her lips to his jaw.

"Couldn't this have waited until... I dunno, a more sane hour of the day?"

"Seriously?" Penny sat up, using his chest for leverage. "Are you _seriously _complaining about this?"

"Umm, I wouldn't say _complaining_ - I'm just... confused and... yeah, mostly confused. And tired - very tired."

"Poor baby, playing Call of Duty until after midnight has really worn you out." Penny rolled her eyes.

"You keep beating me! I need to practice!"

"Look, are we having sex or not?"

"Well I'm not saying _no_. I was just curious."

"Be curious on your own watch." Penny scowled, before leaning back down to kiss him again.

* * *

><p>"So, uh, you wanna explain what all that was about?" Leonard asked as he put his inhaler away.<p>

"It's... okay, promise you won't like, laugh or make fun of me or whatever."

"Okay, I promise."

Taking a deep breath, Penny rolled onto her back. "I couldn't sleep so I was thinking about... about how I _really _want a baby. Like, every few weeks the thought crosses my mind and then I just can't stop thinking about it. I really, _really _want a baby. In a way that I never thought I would because they're messy and time-consuming and will _totally_ go left thanks to you. So then I was thinking about sex and all these scenarios were playing out in my head and I thought doing it on my own was pretty redundant considering you were right next to me but I figured it could wait. Don't _laugh_!" Penny reached a hand out to slap Leonard's arm when he started giggling. "So I tried to distract myself and I decided that next year I'm gonna go back to just doing a few classes - so instead of completing the rest of my course in one year, I'll do the rest of it over two years. That way once we're married we can... you know, have a baby. Go on our honeymoon, drink champagne, come home and at some point hopefully... things work out. Then I was like hey, I should really talk to Leonard about this but I thought that could wait until the morning along with sex. But I was wrong because then I started thinking about sex again so I woke you up. Really there was no other option."

"Penny, have you ever noticed that sometimes you talk a lot?"

"Seriously? That's all you have to say?"

"It's all a lot to process in one go. Especially after sex."

"Alright, then take your time to process it." Penny shrugged, stretched her arms out over her head and yawning. "I'm all good now, my turn to sleep."

"Wait, you can't fall asleep on me after saying all of that!"

"I think you'll find I can." Penny smiled before rolling onto her side and shutting her eyes. Admittedly, it was still terrifying opening up to him like that; even though it was easier these days to tell him things, she still felt that slight trickle of fear and vulnerability afterwards.

He was silent for a moment, knowing that she wouldn't really fall asleep until he'd given her a proper response. And not just a quick one so she'd go to sleep, but an honest one - even if it meant they were silent for a long while. Eventually he'd managed to think through it all and get his breathing back to normal and he lay down on his side, pressing her back into his chest. He draped an arm over her hip to find her hand and intertwine their fingers. "I think you've put a lot of thought into that and it's... we both want a baby. So it makes sense to have a plan - to know we have that time and that stability of knowing we're in the right place to do that."

Penny moved her free hand to rub her eyes and sniffled loudly; Leonard had no idea she was crying until then. "Surprises just haven't worked out so well for us in the past. Especially when it comes to work and... and babies. I want to be prepared this time." She whispered.

* * *

><p>"Your wedding invites are <em>so adorable<em>!" Amy squealed, bounding into Penny's apartment the moment she had opened the door.

"Uh... come in." Penny raised her brows, stepping aside to let Bernadette in too. "I'm guessing you got the invites then?" She asked, making her way down the hallway and continuing through the house.

"Yeah, they're-" Amy stopped mid-sentence when Penny did not stop in the kitchen or living area, but continued through to the hallway leading to the bedrooms. "Where are you going?"

"I'm shaving my legs!" Penny stopped, turning and lifting a leg slightly to bring attention to the white foam covering one leg.

"Shall we bring a bottle of wine to the bathroom?" Bernadette asked, already grabbing a bottle from the kitchen.

"Yes! The Sauvignon Blanc is in the fridge!"

"This is _such _an exciting day!" Amy followed Penny, half-skipping and half-running.

"I know, it's been a while since I shaved my legs!" Penny agreed with a grin, seating herself on the edge of the tub and swinging her legs into the bath.

"Not that - the wedding invites!"

"Oh, yes, those are exciting too."

"This is such a weird place to congregate." Bernadette said as she joined them in the bathroom, closing the toilet lid with her foot before sitting on it so she could put the three glasses between her fingers in the other hand down on the floor and open the bottle of wine.

"Just a small glass for me." Penny reminded her friend before picking up the razor and getting back to work.

"I know." Bernadette nodded. "So-"

"Who're you gonna have as Maid of Honor?" Amy asked quickly.

"Umm..." Penny bit her lip. "I'm not sure yet."

Pursing her lips, Amy stepped toward Penny and bent down slightly to speak quietly in her ear. "You should pick me, bestie."

"Amy I love you but I have nothing on beneath my robe and my leg is up in the air so _please _do not stand that close to me."

"Sorry, sorry." Amy jumped back.

"What made you pick that date?" Bernadette asked as she handed Amy two glasses, gesturing that she pass one to Penny.

"That's the date I moved into 4B and met Leonard." Penny said, taking the glass in her free hand. She took a small sip before setting it down beside her and returning her attention to her legs.

"You remember the date you moved into your old apartment?" Bernadette raised a brow.

"Well, yeah." Penny shrugged her free shoulder. "Don't you?"

"No." Amy and Bernadette replied in unison.

"Oh. It was a weird day, I remember meeting the guys but I was so confused about Kurt and Leonard let me use his shower... so much changed that day. Took me so long to realize that change was for the better." Penny shook her head, smiling to herself. "But eventually I understood."

"That's cute."

"It's not cute, it's just... a significant day. That's all."

Amy shrugged at Bernadette and took a sip of wine. "So what's with the leg shaving?"

"Leonard and I are going to this restaurant by the beach tonight." Penny grinned excitedly, putting the razor down and switching on the tap. "I was thinking after dinner we take a little dip in the ocean... besides, the dress I'm planning on wearing shows off a _lot _of leg, so..."

"That sounds romantic." Amy gushed.

"Romantic and Penny can't keep it in her pants." Bernadette giggled.

Leaning to get her towel, Penny nodded slowly. "This is true. You laugh but it's actually a lot of fun... Leonard getting all adventurous and I feel _so-o _good all the time, I'm the real winner here."

"Sheldon and I have a schedule." Amy stated. "That's the only time he doesn't keep it in his pants."

"Eww." Bernadette shuffled away from Amy slightly.

Scrunching up her face, Penny turned to look at Amy. "That's... gross."

"I thought it was funny." Amy shrugged.

"I don't know what's worse, hearing about Howard or hearing about... _Sheldon_." Penny shuddered before standing back up to finish drying her legs.

"You were just telling us about Leonard, I wanted to join in!"

"Technically she was telling us about herself, nothing about what comes out of Leonard's pants and when." Bernadette frowned before taking a long gulp of wine.

"Ew, when you put it like that even _that _is gross." Penny groaned. "Do you guys wanna order pizza for lunch?"

"Finally, I am _starving_." Amy nodded quickly, following Penny to the bedroom.

"But nothing with sausages." Bernadette said.

"Nothing with sausages." Amy and Penny agreed together.

* * *

><p>"What's this?" Leonard asked, inspecting a chart on the fridge as he went to get a bottle of water.<p>

"Oh, that's mine and Amy's coitus schedule." Sheldon explained with a smile.

"O-kay, that's... gross." Leonard frowned, recoiling slightly before cautiously re-approaching the fridge for his water.

"Oh, so it's fine for me to overhear you and Penny having coitus but I can't have a schedule on my own fridge?" Sheldon asked, sitting down in his spot.

Leonard exhaled deeply, rubbing the bridge of his nose as he returned to the armchair. "Yeah, in your defence I got used to your weird and gross schedules, charts and... everything else when I lived here, that really shouldn't have come as a surprise."

"I'm not a big fan of surprises, Leonard. I like to know what's happening and when."

"Yes, I remember."

"So what am I doing in your wedding? I need to start preparing." Sheldon picked up the invite from the coffee table.

"What? Oh." Leonard shrugged, leaning back in the armchair. "We haven't really started planning anything yet, we just set the date and picked a venue. We've got plenty of time."

"You _think _you have plenty of time, but soon enough you'll both be begging me to organize everything because you've left it too late!"

"Koothrappali has already been asking if he can do the party planning side." Leonard said, amused. Their friends were much more keen to get involved with the process than he had expected them to be. "I think we might get a wedding planner to help us out though. Penny has a lot of ideas now that we have a venue, and so do I."

"Well if Penny has ideas then I don't want to be part of it anyway. She probably wants to go down the aisle sitting atop a unicorn eating an ear of corn."

"She doesn't want to go down the aisle sitting atop a unicorn eating an ear of corn." Leonard rolled his eyes, before frowning. "I hope."

"Be careful what you're marrying into, Leonard." Sheldon advised. "That unicorn could buck her off and pierce you through the stomach with its horn before galloping around and trampling everybody there."

"Uh... what?"

"I had a dream that happened once, but I was the one on the unicorn and Amy was at the end of the video game aisle in the store. A brand new PlayStation 5000 is not worth it when it's got a unicorn horn through it. It's not pleasant." Sheldon shook his head sternly as he picked up the remote control. "Let's get this movie started!"


	26. Small Personal Victory

Penny bolted upright in bed, heart racing wildly and ears ringing. Eyes wide open and breathing labored, she sat with her fists grabbing desperately at the comforter in a bid to remove herself from the nightmare she had awoken from and avoid her nails piercing into her skin; it had been her initial go-to but she had found the medium of the comforter prevented her from hurting herself to steer away from the pain of the dream. She was covered in a layer of cold sweat, her pajama shirt sticking to her body while she shook slightly despite the intense heat going through her body. A pain in her abdomen that she couldn't place forced her to draw her knees up and lean forward slightly in attempt to dull the feeling, muffling a groan as she bit her lip firmly.

_It was just a nightmare, _Penny told herself, eyes squeezed shut as she tried to control her breathing.

Of course, she had had nightmares before. Vivid scenarios that had never happened but felt as though she'd just experienced them; things she never wanted to remember or even think about but couldn't stop reliving afterwards. She'd had more than her fair share of those when Leonard had been away and when she'd moved to London - they were nothing new, they were the ones she had learned to deal with and ignore. But it was even worse when her nightmares brought back things that had _actually _happened - and the day she lost Hope was not something she was fond of her mind dramatizing when she was supposed to be sleeping peacefully.

"It's okay." Penny whispered to herself, holding back a whimper. "It's okay, it's okay, it's okay."

Opening her eyes slowly to place herself back in the present, Penny's eyes fell on her peacefully fast asleep fiancé. Releasing a slow breath, she blinked back a few tears before carefully lying back down and placing her head on Leonard's chest, burying her face into his t-shirt and gripping onto his arms. She couldn't help the sobs escaping her, and she pushed her abdomen into his side in an attempt to remove the pain she felt there.

"Penny?" Leonard started waking from the movement, instantly sensing something was wrong before his mind even became aware of Penny lying on him.

"It's okay," Penny whispered into his chest.

Bringing his arms around her in a protective enclosure, he kissed the top of her head and began to gently rub her back, waiting for her to cry it out and calm down slightly. "What's wrong?"

"It was just a really bad dream." Penny mumbled quietly. "But it felt very, very real." Turning her head to the side and opening her eyes, Penny stared into the darkness. "Do you ever get that?"

With a sympathetic sigh, Leonard gave her an understanding squeeze before kissing the top of her head again. "Yeah. Yeah, I do." He admitted.

They lay there in silence; Leonard didn't need to ask what the dream had been about. Penny knew she didn't need to elaborate and neither did he. They had both been through the experience, they had both been affected by it. In a way, it was calming to know that he understood so much of what she was going through, but she wished he didn't. She wished he hadn't had to suffer through any of it because he didn't deserve to ever suffer that way, but knowing she wasn't alone was something she was thankful for.

"Leonard?"

"Yeah?"

"It hurts."

"I know. I'm sorry."

"No... it hurts. My stomach hurts."

In his sudden panic, the only thing that kept Leonard from sitting up was being very aware of the fact that he was holding Penny. "What? How? Where? Are you okay?"

"I don't think anything is wrong." Penny said, although at that moment her heart started racing once more. She knew it was just the dream inducing the pain as a cruel reminder, but she still found herself sitting up and getting out of bed. "I have to go to the bathroom."

"Penny?" Leonard slowly sat up, eyes following her.

"I'm fine." Penny assured him, voice shaking slightly.

Gulping down the lump in his throat, he croaked out an "okay" before turning on the nightlight on his side of the bed. Lifting the comforter, he was immensely relieved to find clean, dry sheets. Leonard ran a hand through his hair as he looked around the room in assurance that everything was as it should be whilst he waited for Penny to emerge from the bathroom.

Seconds later, Penny slipped out of the bathroom with a small nod. "I'm fine," she repeated in answer to his expectant look. Shutting off the light, she returned to the bed. Seeing that the comforter had moved and Leonard's nightlight was on, she gave him a quizzical look despite knowing exactly what he had been checking for. "I am. I'm okay." She assured him, before leaning over him and turning his light off.

"You sure?" Leonard asked as he turned onto his side to face her, placing a hand on her hip.

"Uh-huh." Penny gave a small nod, but they both knew she was lying. "It just... it hurts. And the dream..."

"Has it hurt like this before?"

"A few times." Penny admitted. "Mostly when I dream about her. I think that's why it hurts but it scares me. It didn't hurt when... when it happened. Not like this, anyway."

"Do you want to see the doctor and get it checked out?"

"I..." Penny's fingers curled around the hem of Leonard's t-shirt, her hands protected between the warmth of their bodies. She wanted to tell him no; she was fine, they didn't need to see the doctor. But they both knew she wasn't, that she needed the reassurance that nothing was physically wrong. He too needed that reassurance, and she knew he'd be much more comfortable being sure that everything was fine from a medical perspective. Quietly, Penny asked, "will you come with me?"

"Of course."

* * *

><p>"Well, the good news is that there's nothing wrong. You are perfectly healthy." The doctor smiled at Penny as she closed her file and placed it on her desk.<p>

"If there's good news, does that mean there's bad news?" Penny asked cautiously, taking Leonard's hand.

The doctor looked at Penny sympathetically, removing her glasses. "Penny, there is nothing we can do about how you respond to physical trauma in the long term. Unfortunately there is very little we can do to control it. We can prescribe you medication - anti-depressants, anti-anxiety - but there's no guarantee they will help. Especially as you don't know when you're going to have these nightmares. If it was affecting your day to day life, then perhaps it would be worth giving them a go but like I said, we cannot promise anything."

"I don't _want _medication, I've _tried _medication. I don't need it, I'm... I'm happy, _more _than happy. My day to day life is perfectly fine. I have an amazing fiancé and I'm enjoying my studies and I have money coming in from my commercials, and those moments where I _do _get upset, I know how to deal with it. Every day is like a personal victory because it's pretty much perfect. It's the life I dreamed of." Penny began, trying to find a way to explain her situation. "I just wanted to make sure that everything is okay. I don't get the pain in my stomach very often but it's still scary, especially when it's _that _bad. Most of the time I can just go back to sleep after a few minutes. It's not exactly a fun experience waking up like that."

"That's understandable. Are you still seeing your therapist?"

"Yeah, but not so much anymore now that things are going well."

"Discuss this with her; it's the best option for you. This isn't uncommon, you know." The doctor assured Penny after seeing the disappointment on her face. "Sometimes you feel pain when there is none. In heightened moments, even when we know nothing is wrong, our body tells us otherwise. It's almost like a protective measure."

Sighing, Penny leaned back in the cold plastic chair. "I'm sorry for wasting your time."

"No, it's not a waste of time. It's almost like knowing something is wrong with you child before they even tell you, or rushing upstairs when you hear them screaming and then finding out they were just playing - it's natural to take that protective measure, be it for yourself or somebody else. If anything it's good to check, and now we know how you're doing we can update your medical records."

Biting her lip, Penny looked over at Leonard who had sat quietly beside her as they waited. He looked relieved there was nothing wrong, his face and posture far more relaxed than when they had first come in. While she had been getting tested he'd been even more tense, especially when she'd had her blood drawn. Usually she would have laughed and told him to relax, but she's been far from relaxed herself. Now, however, she felt a lot calmer - and far more optimistic. It always amazed her how just a few words of reassurance could change her outlook so quickly. Squeezing Leonard's hand, she looked back at the doctor nervously. "So... if - _when _- when we start trying for a baby, everything should be... fine?"

"Absolutely. Medically, there are no reasons you should have any problems with conception or carrying a baby to term."

"It's just that last time... I lost the baby."

The doctor gave Penny a reassuring smile to calm her nerves. "Try not to worry. I know it will seem scary at first but there is no outright medical reason you should have another miscarriage, or even an issue conceiving a baby. When it comes to it, I would advise some light exercise, a clean diet and avoid mental and physical stress. We cannot blame anything, and there is certainly no reason for you to think you did something to cause it - these are just simple steps to take to ensure things go smoothly. If you'd like you can come back to see me nearer the time, and we can get Leonard an appointment too."

"Okay." Penny nodded and took a deep breath. "Thank you."

"No problem. Was there anything else?"

"I just wanted to make sure everything was okay." Penny smiled as she stood up, using Leonard's hand to pull herself up.

"You'll make a great mother, Penny." The doctor grinned at her. "Believe me. You'll be great parents; both of you. I hope it all goes well for you."

Blushing, Penny couldn't help the grin on her face. "Thank you. We'll be seeing you in a few months then, I guess." She said proudly, squeezing Leonard's arm.

* * *

><p>"Alright, time's up!" Penny announced, closing the screen of her laptop. "Pens down."<p>

"No! I was so close!" Amy screamed, throwing her pen onto the coffee table.

"If we just had _five _more seconds-" Bernadette began.

"Nuh-uh!" Penny held up a hand. "I am not cheating my study results just so you can finish the challenge."

"But-"

"Guys, I'm working toward a degree in Psychology! I am not going to let you have extra time just because you're annoyed that you cannot finish this section of the study within the set time!" Penny rolled her eyes, grabbing their papers from them. "But if it makes you feel any better, the guys didn't finish in time either."

"They didn't?"

"Not even Sheldon?"

"Not even Sheldon." Penny confirmed with a grin.

"Okay, now I'm fine with not finishing." Amy folded her arms smugly.

"Yeah, that's what _nobody _said _ever_." Penny giggled to herself.

Shaking her head, Bernadette got up and made her way to the fridge. "So when do we do the next part of this study?"

"In the evening." Penny shrugged. "But you'll have to leave soon. You're supposed to not think about it until you come back to it."

"Aw. I was kinda hoping we'd have a Girls Night during the day." Amy frowned.

"Well, maybe tomorrow. Leonard and I are meeting with our wedding planner later." Penny clapped her hands together excitedly. "I've already picked out flowers! I hope she likes them. I don't even care if Leonard likes them, they're my flowers."

"When do we get to go dress shopping?"

"I dunno... first I need to have an idea of the wedding as a whole. I don't want my dress to be out of place."

"Who's gonna be your Maid of Honor?"

"Umm..." Penny bit her lip. "I haven't decided that either."

"_Still_?" Amy asked in disbelief.

"It's a big decision! And there are three contenders, so I have to pick wisely. I only plan on getting married once you know."

"That's good to know, but who is the third contender?" Amy folded her arms. "Do I have to fling my poop at her?"

"It's my sister, and _please _do not fling your poop at her. Seriously, you will regret it." Penny warned. "I was her Maid of Honor... kind of... it wasn't a proper wedding, but still. If she gets married again then I'm Maid of Honor again. I can't just forget about her."

"But I'm your bestie!" Amy pouted.

"And she's my sister!"

"Yeah... well, pick wisely. You haven't chosen a Maid of Honor, I haven't chosen a wedding gift."

"Perhaps we should get going." Bernadette decided, standing up. "Penny has a wedding to think about. I'd spend some time weighing your options on Maid of Honor and maybe have an idea of bridesmaid dresses, you know what _that _process is like. We'll see you later."

* * *

><p>"Sheldon!"<p>

"Penny!" Sheldon jumped, snapping his book shut as he looked up wide-eyed at Penny.

"What are you reading?"

"You made that hot chocolate awful fast."

"What are you reading?" Penny repeated.

"And got the guest room ready really fast too."

"Sheldon, what are you reading?"

"A book."

"That's my _30 Days to Rock Hard Abs _book. What have you hidden in the book?"

"Nothing. I just... wanted to see what poppycock they've come up with in a book for improving the female physique." Sheldon said, placing the book between his legs and the couch cushion.

Putting the hot chocolate safely on the coffee table, Penny raised a brow. "Don't make me get that book from under your legs. You know I'll do it."

"No you won't." Sheldon said, although he wasn't so sure of himself - he knew Penny was prone to breaking his personal boundary rules.

"_Sheldon_." Penny took a step closer. "Tell me what you're reading!"

"Umm..." Sheldon's eyes went wide and he looked around. "_Leonard_!"

"He is in the shower! He won't hear you!"

"_Amy_!"

"Also in the bathroom. We have more than one shower in this apartment for occasions like this - you've used it before! You know, this apartment has surprisingly well sound-proofed walls. That's gonna come in real handy when we have kids." Penny mused. "Tell me what you're reading."

"Wait, you and Leonard are having kids?"

"Not right now, but... one day, yeah." Penny nodded. "Now tell me what you're reading."

"Leonard didn't tell me that you were planning. Good thing you no longer live across the hall from me, the crying would be unbearable."

"We're not planning right now. It's just a plan for the future. Seriously, I'm going to physically touch your legs and get that book." Penny warned, sitting down beside Sheldon.

"No."

"Oh really?" Raising her brows at him, Penny grinned and began moving her hands to retrieve the book as she wriggled closer to him.

"Okay, okay, fine!" Sheldon yelped, retrieving the book himself and handing it to Penny. "I was reading your latest issue of _Cosmopolitan _magazine."

"Umm... why?" Penny asked with a faint giggle, not wanting to scare him away.

"Tomorrow is coitus night."

Penny winced as though someone had punched her before standing up and taking a big step back. "Oo-kay."

"What? You should be thankful it's not tonight!"

"While I am _very _glad that it's not tonight seeing as you are sleeping in our apartment on _our _fold-out and sheets, I don't think I enjoy knowing this information."

"From what Amy tells me, coitus night is every night for you and Leonard."

"It is not _every _night!"

"Years of living next door to Leonard's room and your apartment make that difficult to believe, Penny."

Folding her arms, Penny glared at Sheldon. "The sauce we had tonight was actually tangerine not orange and I cheated on Scrabble by looking at your letters on my way to the bathroom."

* * *

><p>"I can't <em>believe <em>that last challenge didn't actually have a solution." Leonard grumbled as he threw back the covers to get into bed.

"That's the beauty of Psychology." Penny shrugged. "Simple as that."

"The _beauty_? I spent the whole day hating myself! Sheldon twitched so much he started reading _Cosmopolitan_!"

"Hey, it's not my problem you guys have this need to finish _everything_." Penny rolled her eyes as she got into bed. Bernadette had almost stormed out earlier, and she was pretty sure Amy and Sheldon would be rigging up the bathroom they'd used with some prank as payback.

"Oh, you want me to not finish?" Leonard asked, folding his arms. "I won't finish next time. Simple as that."

Glaring at him, Penny kicked Leonard' leg beneath the covers. "Ass."

"What? It's the beauty of Psychology." Leonard smirked.

Turning onto her side and shutting off her nightlight, Penny huffed. "Since you're not finishing, I'm going to sleep."

"Wait." Raising a brow, Leonard frowned. "Are you actually annoyed with me because of that finishing joke?"

"No."

"Uh, okay. Are you sure? Because it seems like you are."

"_Well _I'm not."

"But-"

"I spent _years _being all interested in Physics crap that I didn't even understand." Penny flipped onto her back impatiently. "But when _I _do an experiment or study that _I _think is interesting, everyone just bitches about it."

"We weren't bitching about it." Leonard said, furrowing his brow.

"Ugh." Penny rolled back onto her side. "Goodnight, Leonard."

"Hey, hey, I'm sorry." Leonard placed a hand on her arm.

"Look, just for once I want to get some credit for what I'm doing. I'm not a genius like you guys and I really thought _you_ at least would be interested in the theory behind the experiment so I could tell you all about it, even when you don't understand."

Sighing, Leonard lay himself down behind Penny, putting an arm around her waist. "I'm sorry." He said quietly. "Tell me about the experiment."

"Do you actually care or are you just asking to avoid me making sure you don't _ever _finish ever again?"

"No, I _do _care." Leonard assured her. "Maybe this can be an extension of the study: why people are still obsessing over something with no answer for hours after they find out that there is no answer."

Penny couldn't help the small smile that formed on her face. She was proud of herself. Finally, somebody wanted to know more from _her _- she was going to _teach _somebody something _they _didn't know. It was another small personal victory, achieving this point; using her friends for basic studies to build on theories and develop from there, and then get to explain it to somebody else. She hoped Leonard would feel the excitement she'd feel whenever he explained _his _experiments.


	27. Never Ever Stop Fighting

**A/N - I've been particularly ill recently which involves a lot of lying down in silent darkness and during those times my mind tends to mentally write entire sections of chapters. A lot of the middle chunk of this was re-written, but the start and end were written beforehand and then edited accordingly so hopefully it still all flows. I have been waiting to tell what you find out in this story for _so long _and I'm excited to share it to give a certain character some more depth. I came up with it whilst writing Cheerleader-Nerd Equation, and there are tiny hints in there about what is found out here. Keeping my characters consistent and all! Hope you all enjoy this chapter and are enjoying the summer so far. **

* * *

><p>"Your apartment is <em>amazing<em>!" Bridget gushed, exiting Leonard and Penny's bedroom.

"I know, right?" Penny grinned proudly. "You're gonna be sleeping in my closet-guest-room - but I swear to God if you steal any of my clothes you may find some of the clothes in your case mysteriously destroyed."

"Okay, no clothes stealing." Bridget laughed. "And I guess I use that bathroom down the hall rather than your en-suite."

"Correct." Penny nodded, entering the closet-guest-room. "You can help yourself to whatever you want from the kitchen - there's not much, but the good takeaway brochures are on the fridge door."

"Can I eat in here?"

"Umm... as long as you don't leave stains on the furniture then yeah." Penny shrugged. "And don't get _anything _on my clothes."

"Awesome. So you'll be making me French Toast every morning since I'm your guest, right?" Bridget winked.

"Dream on." Penny rolled her eyes. "You'll only get French Toast if I'm feeling particularly good in the morning."

"Ah, then I just have to wait until the morning I hear all the noise coming from your bedroom."

"Pretty much." Penny giggled.

"How is all the wedding planning going?"

"Ugh, it's so much effort! I picked some flowers and suddenly the tablecloths the wedding planner had in mind just won't do - so now I have to look at _tablecloth samples_." Penny rolled her eyes, flopping down on the couch. "Sometimes I..." Sighing, she looked around her closet thoughtfully. "Sometimes I think maybe I should just have a smaller wedding. None of these fancy tablecloths and all that crap. Just... get married and have a nice time."

Sitting beside her sister, Bridget smiled. "Really?"

"Yeah. I mean, sure, I always envisioned myself having a _huge _wedding. But I don't think I really want it, and I don't need it. It's kind of like this dream closet. I love it, and it's amazing, and it's what I always wanted. But eventually it's going to need to become a bedroom again when I have a baby and that makes me even happier."

"But you've already picked a venue."

"That can easily be changed. Leonard had a pretty great list of cute little places we could get married." Penny bit her lip. "And I think I know the perfect place."

"Ooh. What is it?"

"I'm not saying anything until we confirm it." Penny nudged her sister.

"You better be less secretive when you get pregnant. I want to know the moment you've peed on that stick." Bridget said. "I'm being serious!"

"Believe me, you will know." Penny nodded eagerly. "You have no idea how much time I spend thinking about having a baby."

"For someone who was so scared of commitment, you're very keen to start a family."

"That's the thing I don't get either. But... things happened. I mean, when I broke up with Leonard, I never wanted him more. I had never _needed _him more. The same with when I found out I was pregnant, I was... overwhelmed by how excited I was. When I lost her, I realized how much I wanted her." Penny smiled at Bridget. "It still really scares me, but in a good way."

"I'm glad you know what you want now." Bridget squeezed Penny's hand.

"I want to show you something." Penny decided, getting up slowly and moving the stepladder to the center of one of the shelving units. Carefully, she retrieved her scrapbook from the top shelf where she kept it between her box of Leonard memories and the box Amy and Bernadette had given her. Turning to the page with the two ultrasound scans, she returned to sit beside Bridget. "That's my baby," she whispered, gently running a finger along both prints.

Taking a moment to look at Penny to reassure herself that it was really okay to look at something so personal to her, Bridget smiled at the expression of pride on her sisters face before looking down at the two scans. "She's beautiful," she said quietly, feeling her own eyes fill with tears.

"She is." Penny agreed, her eyes not leaving the page. The sisters were silent for a while, until Penny eventually sighed softly. "I wish I hadn't lost her."

"I know, sweetie." Bridget put an arm around Penny.

"It wasn't the right time and we're stronger for it in a way, but... I really, really wish I hadn't lost her." Penny closed the book before wiping at her eyes. "I wish she was still a part of our lives - not just the memory of her but actually... actually here."

"Yeah, I get that." Bridget sighed sadly.

"People always say they understand." Penny frowned. "But they don't. When you lose your baby, there is _no _way to understand that unless you've been through it."

"I understand. It's the worst."

Pulling away from her sister, Penny scrunched up her face. "You _understand_?"

"I do."

"Okay, what we went through was not the same thing, Bridget."

"It wasn't. You're right. But I understand what you're saying, Penny - you're not the only one who lost somebody."

"No you do _not _understand!" Penny yelled angrily.

"Penny, look, I was just saying - I get it."

"Get _what_? You don't _'get it_'."

"I know what it's like to lose someone like that, and-"

Glaring, Penny's voice became dangerously calm. "I did not lose 'someone'. I lost my child. That's different. Leonard and I lost _our baby_."

"But the loss and the hurt... I know it's not the same but we can still empathize in some way."

"No. We cannot _empathize, _Bridget. You lost a person who gets to live and experience the world. I lost my baby; my child that I was supposed to carry and keep safe for nine months and then another eighteen years after that. Do you know how long I managed to keep my baby safe?"

"Penny..."

"Ten weeks. I carried the baby - I carried _Hope _for ten weeks. The worst part is that Leonard never even got to meet her; to know she was there at all. I got the tiniest taste of that joy and pride of being pregnant and he got none of that. Ten weeks, Bridget. It _destroys_ you." Penny's jaw hurt from the tension and her face felt like it was burning, but once the anger had planted she couldn't stop it from branching. "So don't tell me you understand. And perhaps consider showing Henry some respect rather than just constantly calling him 'someone'. You haven't lost him; you act like you never knew him at all."

"It took me a _long _time, and eventually I understood that what I did was for the best. But it still hurts me more than I could ever explain because... no matter what... no matter what I tell myself, I wish he was still here with me. I love him. _I _lost him, Penny. That destroys a person too and _you_ know, you were _there_, you were _scared - _we both know how much it kills you inside. How much it kills everyone around you because they don't know what to do to help you. But I do, Penny."

The two sisters were silent for a moment, both teary-eyed and breathing heavily as their emotions ran haywire through the room. They could only stare at each other in shock and suspense, both waiting for the next move. They'd never argued over something so serious; it was a new territory. Both equally as stubborn and clueless as how to continue, they waited for one another to say something.

"Bridget... I'm so sorry." Penny said quietly after a while, moving her scrapbook and sitting down beside Bridget. "I didn't mean... I didn't mean that you didn't lose... I just..." Shaking her head, Penny frowned. "This whole time I thought I was... a part of me felt so... alone."

"Hey," Bridget smiled, gently nudging Penny's arm. "You're never alone. That's why I was born first - so you had someone to go to."

Releasing a small relieved giggle, Penny looked at Bridget. She knew she had probably crossed a line with what she'd said, and in the silence she'd prayed that Bridget wouldn't be angry with her. Perhaps Bridget _did _understand - she understood why she was angry, why she was so upset, and she let her say those things. She knew Bridget could have easily shut her up. "I thought you were born first so Mom and Dad could mess up a couple of times before they could put the 'third time lucky' thing into effect."

"That too." Bridget agreed.

"Will you let me squeeze your hand when I have a baby and slap me when I freak out right before any major life event?"

"That's what I'm here for."

"And will you be my Maid of Honor?" Penny asked, the words coming out quickly as she looked up hopefully to Bridget.

"You want me to be your Maid of Honor?"

"Well... yeah. I don't want to chose between my friends and you're the only one who doesn't care about offending me if you think my choice of dress is hideous."

"Can I borrow your purple dress that's hanging on the closet door?"

"Sure."

"I guess you have yourself a deal." Bridget grinned.

* * *

><p>Slowly munching on a piece of popcorn, Penny turned her head away from the episode of <em>Jersey Shore <em>they were watching to look at her sister. "Leonard says New Jersey is actually like that."

"Really?" Bridget laughed. "I thought it was just like that in the show."

"Maybe not all of it, but some of it." Penny shrugged. "When I go I'm going to try spot some of these people."

"You could always be a Real Housewife of New Jersey."

"Those trashy bitches? No thank you!" Penny laughed. "You'd fit in well."

"Hey!" Bridget scowled, nudging Penny in the side.

"Ow! Be careful!"

"What?"

"I don't know, just don't nudge me with your stupid pointy elbows. Don't damage future baby growing body parts."

"Seriously, if you think _that's _where a baby grows then you ought to take an anatomy class."

"Ugh, I know that's not where it grows but I'm just saying to be careful!"

It quickly dawned on Bridget that perhaps Penny's protectiveness over her body wasn't without reason as she thought; she knew that Penny visited the doctor recently and had been concerned about any issues that may arise during her future pregnancy. She was scared and cautious, doing her best not to compromise her physical health. It made sense, whether Penny knew it or not. "Okay, I'm sorry."

They continued with the episode for a while before Penny suddenly turned to Bridget. "Have you told Josh about Henry?"

"No," Bridget shook her head, eyes not leaving the screen. "It's kind of difficult to tell someone that. Hardly a casual conversation I have with everyone I go out with."

"But will you?"

"If things continue going well, then yeah. He'd understand, I think. He'll find out eventually." Frowning, Bridget watched her sister for a moment, trying to work up the courage to ask a question she'd been cautious about bringing up for months on end. "Can I ask you something personal?"

"Sure."

"You don't have to give me an answer if you don't want me to but I've just been... worried. Kind of a lot."

Muting the television, Penny turned toward Bridget. "Okay?"

"You know in Nebraska, after Scott and I asked about London... the day after - and Leonard had said you had a difficult night - you had..." Bridget bit her lip, unsure of how to phrase what she wanted to say despite having run it through her mind a million times.

To Bridget's surprise, Penny smiled. It was a sad smile, but still - not the expression Bridget had been expecting. "I had cuts on my hands."

"That's-"

"That's what you were going to say, right?"

"Well... yeah." Bridget said sheepishly.

"You can ask, you know."

"What happened?"

"When I broke up with Leonard I guess I needed an outlet so... I started cutting my hands. Not with anything, I'd just dig my nails in really hard." Penny turned her hands so her palms faced upwards. "I don't do it anymore, Bridge, it's been a long time. When you asked about London I just really... freaked out a lot and... I did it when I lost Hope too."

"I'm... I'm so sorry."

"You don't have to be sorry. When I woke up in the middle of the night cutting my hands, I stopped. That's the first time I'd ever stopped, that time in Nebraska." Penny assured her. "When I was in the hospital I really, _really _wanted to cut my hands... so I did. And I couldn't stop; I didn't _want _to stop. I don't think Leonard has even been so scared in his life. But... God, I'm sorry, that's a lot to take in, isn't it?"

"A little, yeah." Bridget gulped, gazing at her sister as her stories sunk in. How had her little sister gone through all of that? How had she gone through that and found her way to where she was now? Bridget was amazed as well as horrified. The idea of Penny having done those things to herself scared her, but her strength overpowered anything she was saying. "How do you deal with all of this?"

"When I was in the hospital, Leonard held my hands and took the pain just so I didn't have to - and sometimes he'll still hold my hands like that when I need him. I know he'd do it all over again to save me. He lost his daughter but he had the fight in him to rescue me from myself. Leonard never stopped fighting." Penny smiled at Bridget. "That's how I deal with all of this. I have Leonard in my life."

* * *

><p>"Hey," Bridget smiled, sliding into Leonard's office.<p>

"Oh, hey." Leonard looked up from the laptop screen. "Penny's just in the shower."

"I know, I just wanted to talk to you. In private." Bridget clarified.

"Oh?" Leonard spun slightly in his chair so he was facing Bridget. "Is something wrong?"

"No." Bridget gave a small laugh. "Isn't that weird?"

"Umm..."

"Nothing is wrong. My sister moved to London because she was depressed and alone. Then she lost a baby. And all this time I've been scared that maybe she's letting those things hold her back, because she was that kind of girl. But she's... she's amazing."

"She is amazing." Leonard agreed, smiling fondly.

"Do you remember when you met her? And she was... she always let things get to her. Like when Kurt broke up with her and she just brought up all these walls because that was easier than letting herself trust someone again that she had feelings for. And in high school when she got bad grades, she started to do this whole 'I don't care about my grades' facade thing. People believe her - she's got a tough shell, that's what Dad said. He'd say she was like a perfect cookie; soft on the inside but tough around the outside."

"I think he's told me that one."

"Unfortunately, the only nickname that really stuck for Penny was Slugger. But hey, I got Big Slugger, technically she's lucky." Bridget rolled her eyes. "Like come on, we can't help being great with a Slugger. At least if someone breaks in they won't have a chance of escaping."

"Always helpful... in the event of a break in. I guess."

"Exactly!" Bridget grinned, going over to lean against Leonard's desk. "So... yeah. She can be tough. But she's incredibly sensitive and also incredibly strong."

"I know. Penny's like a complex molecule." Leonard said with a small smile.

"A what?" Bridget scrunched up her face in a manner similar to her sisters.

"You know, like... loads of different kinds of atoms."

"Can we just say she's complex?"

"It doesn't paint the same picture but... sure."

"That's the kind of thing Penny would understand. Maybe it'd take her a few hours to work it out, but she'll look it up and try." Bridget sighed, moving over to sit on the couch in the office. She'd come in here for a reason, and she wasn't going to let complex molecules confuse her now. Returning to her initial conversation, she looked up at Leonard. "I was a really horrible sister, Leonard."

"I'm sure you weren't."

"No, I was." Bridget said quickly. "I'm not proud of it. I wish I'd been a better person and set a better example. Can you imagine - she grew up with me and Scott as her role models. But... by _some _miracle, she met you and now look at her. She is _amazing_."

"She really is." Leonard gave a warm chuckle; hearing anybody praise Penny for her achievements always made him feel substantially happy.

"Please don't ever stop fighting for her. I wasn't a good big sister before but I'm telling you now, as Penny's older sister, never _ever _stop fighting for her."

"Bridget, I don't plan to stop fighting for her. I don't _want _to stop fighting for her. She is worth every ounce of fight I have in me."

"Good." Bridget nodded. "Good," she repeated, nodding at him before standing up and holding her arms out. "Now come here. Penny says you give good hugs and I don't want to cry in front of you." She pulled him into a tight hug before he could say anything, squeezing her eyes closed to suppress the tears. She was certain Penny had done enough crying for the both of them.

"Bridget, can I ask you a..." Leonard hesitated slightly as he pulled away from the hug, overcome with a sudden curiosity but unsure of how to ask. "Can I ask you a question? About... something?"

"Anything." Bridget nodded, wiping in what she hoped was a subtle manner at her eyes.

"Years ago... well, a _long _time ago, actually... Penny was buying comic books for her nephews thirteenth birthday." Leonard gulped, wiping his suddenly sweaty palms on his jacket and looking down at his feet. "Who is he?"

"My son." Bridget gave an utterly shocked Leonard a small smile.

"Your... your son?"

"I had him when I was really young. He was adopted but the parents wanted me to still be a part of his life. I got to take him out for his thirteenth birthday so I invited Penny and my Mom. I didn't know he liked comic books so much until Penny gave them to him."

"That's..." Leonard quickly trailed off, at a total loss for words.

"It's okay. I'd be curious too." Bridget assured him, squeezing his arm before sitting down in his office chair. "When I got pregnant I ignored my Mom when she told me I needed to sort my life out. I thought hey, it's just a baby - if I keep it I'll just deal with it, if not... it's not like I'd have an emotional attachment to it, right?" Bridget shook her head. "I was very wrong about that."

"I'm so sorry."

"Don't be. I learned the hard way. I just wish Penny... she never really understood. And I wish she still didn't understand what it's like to lose your child. I wish _you _didn't understand either. You don't deserve to."

"I don't think anyone deserves to."

"Henry's thirteenth birthday was the first time Penny told me about you. Apparently she said your name while making out with some other guy. Of course she said this in front of Henry without thinking and he asked her if that meant he was gonna have an Uncle Leonard." Bridget laughed. "Her eyes went so wide I'm surprised they stayed in her head. But I can finally tell Henry yes, seven years later."

"I was quite proud that she said my name." Leonard smirked.

"Oh you should be! She went on and on about you and told Henry all about the superhero things you owned. I had to buy him a freakin' Star Trek uniform!"

Leonard chuckled. "I'm sorry."

"You should be! Those things are hard to find and expensive!" Bridget scowled jokingly at him in fake annoyance. "Luckily Penny knew exactly where to look."

"And she pretends she's got no understanding of the nerd world!" Leonard scoffed, shaking his head. "I'm glad you and Henry are still in each others lives. Thank you for telling me."

"You're a good person to talk to. And you're marrying my sister; you're practically part of the family as it is. You would have found out eventually. It's only fair that you know." Bridget smiled. "Thank you for asking. Sometimes it's nice to just... tell someone. And when you guys have your baby, when Penny says no to dressing it in a superhero costume in the hospital, do it anyway. She'll roll her eyes but secretly, she absolutely loves it."

* * *

><p>"You two seem like you've bonded." Penny scrunched up her face in suspicion as she sat down beside Leonard, watching her sister make her way to the restroom now that she'd vacated it.<p>

"Well, we talked yesterday." Leonard shrugged.

"About me?" Penny raised a brow, reaching for the sugar.

"I've already put sugar in your coffee, don't worry."

"Thanks." Penny took a sip. "Mm. So what did you guys talk about?"

"You know, complex molecules, cookies..."

"As _if _Bridget would _ever _talk about complex molecules! Cookies I believe but complex molecules?" Penny nudged Leonard's arm. "You are such a liar!"

"Am not!"

"Look, I don't care if you guys were talking about me as long as you don't tell her I can quote Star Wars."

"Oh I am _so _going to tell her you can quote Star Wars."

"You are _so _close to having milk poured into your soya milk cartons." Penny warned.

"Fine, I won't tell her." Leonard grumbled. Unfortunately he'd already endured Penny's milk-switching trick and he didn't wish to repeat it.

"What aren't you telling who?" Amy asked as she and Sheldon joined Leonard and Penny at the table.

"Nothing. Leonard is telling my sister nothing." Penny stated. "Sheldon, I checked, they serve your usual breakfast, no need to look so grumpy."

Sheldon scowled as he sat down opposite Leonard. "I can't believe you made me change my schedule just because Penny's sister is in town."

"Is this the crazy one you were talking about?" Bridget asked loudly as she returned to the table.

"I am _not _crazy! My mother had me tested!" Sheldon insisted.

"Sheldon, be nice." Leonard warned.

Giggling, Penny shook her head. "Bridget, Sheldon. Sheldon, Bridget."

"Nice to meet you." Bridget grinned, extending a hand.

Cautiously, Sheldon glared at Bridget's hand before shaking it quickly. "You too." God, how he hated social convention.

"And this is Amy." Penny gestured to Amy. "Amy, meet my sister Bridget."

"I'm Penny's bestie." Amy said, shaking Bridget's hand and sizing her up. She could definitely beat her in a competition to be Penny's Maid of Honor. She wasn't even that tall. Okay, a little tall. But skinny. She could work with that.

"She shot her husband once when she was drunk." Sheldon whispered to Amy as they sat down.

"Oh." Amy quickly decided that it really was best for Penny to decide on her own and not plot her monkey-filled fight for the Maid of Honor title.

"This is going to be so much fun." Bridget laughed as she sat down beside Leonard.

"Yeah, wait 'til you meet Howard and Raj." Leonard smirked.

He had come to enjoy Bridget's sense of humour, now that he was accustomed to it. It still made him uncomfortable sometimes, such as when she'd jokingly congratulated him for keeping her awake for an hour the night before, but other than that, it had grown on him. Bridget herself had grown on him, and as Penny laughed at something Bridget was saying to Sheldon, he found himself wishing that Penny had gone to Nebraska for Bridget's company while they'd been apart. Crazy as she was on the outside, he had quickly learned that she was a very protective person and perhaps exactly what Penny had needed at the time. Still, it was better late than never.


	28. Dresses

"Leonard."

Looking up from his work, Leonard saw Penny standing in the doorway of his office with a distant expression. Brow furrowing, he put down his pencil. "Yeah?"

"Can you..." Inhaling a shaky breath, Penny's eyes met his. Instead of continuing her sentence, she raised her hand slightly in his direction before looking over her shoulder and leaving the room.

He didn't need further words and quickly got up, following her to their bedroom. Watching as she simply lay down on the bed, he waited before copying her. As they stared up at the ceiling in silence he moved his hand to find hers, intertwining their fingers. Leonard waited patiently, simply lying beside Penny and listening to her breathe.

"It's been a really long weekend." Penny said eventually, once her mind had gone through every single conversation she'd had with her sister so far. "I have told Bridget... _so _many things that she didn't know before. And I haven't really thought about them and now I just - I just took a moment to think about it all."

"Do you... do you want to talk, or-"

"No." Penny shook her head slightly before rolling onto her side to face him. "I just wanted you to be with me for a while."

"Okay." Leonard gave her a small smile, tucking a strand of hair behind her ears then resting his hand on her arm. "I'm here."

Searching his face, Penny remained silent for a while longer as the bundle of thoughts in her mind began to calm and ease off in order to focus. "I think we should have a small wedding. No planner, just our friends and family and us."

"Really?" Leonard was surprised.

"Yeah. I always thought I wanted a huge wedding..." Sighing, she rolled onto her back again. "I still want a huge party. I don't want it as small as Bernadette and Howard's wedding but... I just want it to be what _we _want. Not fabricated by some wedding planner who doesn't really know us. I don't care, I hate that flower arrangement and I hate the idea of sampling table cloths."

"Do you want a smaller wedding or a different wedding planner?"

"I don't _want _a wedding planner at all. Just some people to provide the cake and the flowers and the music but... yes, a smaller wedding. And then a big party to celebrate another time."

"We can do that." Leonard nodded, moving his hand slightly to find hers and once more link their fingers with a reassuring squeeze. "I'd like that."

"Me too." Penny closed her eyes and smiled, releasing a contented hum.

This time it was Leonard who turned onto his side with a thoughtful expression. "Bridget told be about Henry."

Penny's face scrunched up in confusion, and she too turned onto her side. "She did?"

"Yeah."

"She's usually really private about that kind of stuff. Although that would explain why you two are practically best friends now. You're like... the fifth guy who knows about him. Henry's real Dad, Henry's Dad, my Dad, Scott and you."

"Wow. I feel very special being part of that group."

"You should. It wasn't a good time for her." Penny frowned. "It's a shame she didn't have the support I did. But I think she's getting there... Henry is the reason she's training to work in social care."

"I always found it so interesting finding out why people went into the fields they do." Leonard mused. "It's usually so much more deeper than them simply... wanting to do that job."

"Do you know why I started studying Psychology?"

"Umm..." Leonard tilted his head slightly, trying to think back. "No, I don't think I do."

"Do you know _when _my first Psychology class was?"

"Yeah, it was the day after we went to see that movie and got told to leave because we were making out." Leonard smirked a little at the memory of it. They hadn't even been sitting in the back row corner! It had been a very adventurous time for him.

"Technically you're wrong."

"How? You woke up at the same time as me the next morning to go to your first class and made me drive you there!"

Sitting up, Penny crossed her legs as she looked down at Leonard. "The first Psychology class I took was a month after your Mom and I got really drunk. I wanted to know what the hell was going on in... you know, life, I guess. Anyway I went to one class and I quit because it freaked me out that I was the kind of girlfriend who would do that and also it was _really _hard." Penny nodded with pursed lips and wide eyes to exaggerate how difficult the class had been. "So yeah, that was my first class. Then after I started my History class I was like hey I should come back to this one day so I did. And there you have it. Six Beverly Hofstadter books later and I still don't understand life from her perspective but I _do _know Lydia who teaches one of my classes _really _hates her. Like once we spent a three hour lecture basically just bitching about her. You would have _loved _it."

"I did not know any of that." Leonard sat up slowly, contemplating everything Penny had said.

"Well, now you know."

Frowning, he turned to her. "Does it bother you when I don't know this stuff? That I don't ask?"

"Not particularly." Penny shrugged. "I mean... _sometimes_, I... it's not that you're not being supportive - because you are, you really are - I just..." Biting her lip, she twiddled her fingers nervously. "Never mind, it doesn't really bother me that much."

"Clearly it _does_, Penny. So I'm asking you now. What's bothering you?"

"Fine." Sighing, Penny shifted slightly. "It's just little things. Like when I'm sitting there stressing out because I don't understand a theory or I mention that it would be cool to conduct a study of my own - I want you to ask what's wrong. I want you to say 'hey, you can use me and the guys for your study'. That's the kinda stuff I wish you asked me, or knew. Little things, you know?"

"Penny, I-"

"Whenever Sheldon comes up with a theory you always do an experiment to test the idea out, or prove his paper, or whatever it is that goes on between you two. I sit through dinner listening to you talk about your experiments and write things on napkins so I remember what to ask you. You're supportive and you help when I ask and you ask how it's going but... sometimes I _want _you to ask me what's wrong rather than just say 'it's okay, you'll work it out'." Penny felt slightly guilty that she may have sounded too accusatory, but at the same time now that she was thinking about it, she _was _more than just slightly bothered by his lack of asking. More than once she'd wondered if he actually cared whenever she was talking about her studies.

"You're right." Leonard said after a brief silence, looking at her with an apologetic nod. "I should ask you about these things."

"It doesn't piss me off as much as it did when you re-wrote my History paper for me. _That _pissed me off."

"Believe me, I know it did." Leonard frowned. "Do you need any help with conducting studies?"

"No." Penny nudged him. "But I do need help revising for my exams. They start next month."

"Next month? I didn't know they were that soon!"

Raising a brow, Penny tilted her head at him. "That's because you never asked."

"You know, I'm sort of starting to think that I'm kind of an ass."

"I've told you this _so _many times Leonard! You really should listen to me more often. You're an ass and I have issues. That's what makes us work."

"I don't _mean _to be an ass."

"You're only an ass some of the time." Penny assured him with a grin. "You'll be even less of an ass if you pick Josh up from the airport with Bridget tomorrow so I don't have to re-book my manicure." She batted her eyelashes at him with a pout. "And buy notecards so I can make revision flashcards."

Eager to regain his non-ass status, Leonard quickly nodded. "On it!"

* * *

><p>"How could you do this to me?" Amy scowled at Penny, folding her arms stubbornly across her chest.<p>

"I'm sorry!" Penny said, her voice high in panic, shuffling toward Amy in the overly-poufy white dress she was trying on. "She's my sister and it was an emotional conversation!"

"I saved my tiara!"

"I know, I'm sorry, but... you've already been Bernadette's Maid of Honor!" Penny pointed out. "You used your turn!"

"There are no _turns_. There's just choosing."

"I didn't want to choose between you and Bernadette! If I chose my sister it was fair on both of you. I didn't want to pick between my friends."

"Aww." Amy finally backed down, pouting sympathetically. "That's sweet. We all know Bernadette didn't stand a chance against me. And you must have felt so upset when she chose me over you for Maid of Honor."

"Yeah, I was heartbroken." Penny refrained from rolling her eyes. "You can still wear a tiara though. You're still a bridesmaid."

"Should I _really _wear it though? I don't want to out-shine the bride."

"This is hilarious." Bernadette mumbled to Bridget as they watched Amy and Penny's conversation.

"I know. It's brilliant." Bridget nodded. "I want to be there when she tells her she's not going to name the baby Amy."

Bernadette's eyes widened. "There's a baby?"

"No! But there will be eventually, and I feel like Amy will want the baby to be called Amy."

Putting a hand to her heart, Bernadette shook her head. "For a moment I thought there was a baby."

"Trust me, the way they were going at it last night I would not be surprised if there _was _a baby." Bridget rolled her eyes.

"That bad, huh?"

"They were talking for _ages_. And you know when you have one of those deep conversations and then you _really_ take your time to show how much you love them... _that's _what I endured last night." Bridget frowned. "I really wish Penny had closed her bedroom door."

"Yikes."

"That's what Leonard's Mom says when she has an orgasm." Bridget grinned proudly. She didn't remember _everything _Penny said, but some things stuck in her mind.

"Eww! I so did not need to know that!"

"I'm sorry, you'll get used to it." Bridget shrugged. "If you think Penny has no filter... you are in for a _real _shocker. Come on, Amy and Penny have calmed down now and that dress is a definite no."

"Yeah, she looks like a merengue." Bernadette agreed.

* * *

><p>"And then the <em>fifth <em>dress looked like I was merengue and Amy was pissed off with me for picking Bridget to be my Maid of Honor so we gave up." Penny finished explaining her afternoon of looking for dresses to her mother over the phone, holding it to her ear with her shoulder whilst preparing herself a coffee. "So yeah... no, I still don't have a dress."

"Most people spend ages trying to find the right dress, sweetheart, you'll go through a lot more than five." Meryl told her.

"Ugh, it's not as fun as you'd expect it to be."

"I bought a white skirt and blouse and wore my Mom's veil that she kept for me and Lucy." Meryl smiled. "It wasn't your traditional white dress but it worked for our wedding."

"Maybe I should just go on my own. I get so pissed off with other people trying to suggest clothes for me. I'm _good _at clothes." Penny raised her brows, dropping the teaspoon in the sink.

"Well then go on your own."

"But then how do I know if it's the right one?"

"You'll know."

"How?"

"You just do. The same way you know you want to marry Leonard... you just know it's right."

"I did pick Bridget's dress for her and it was the right one." Penny nodded, going over to sit on the couch in Leonard's spot.

"Exactly. If you feel like it's the right one then you're probably right. But I'd strongly advise you picking the Bridesmaid dresses."

"Yeah I think with Amy and Bernadette's combined fashion sense and Bridget's... slightly slutty choice of dresses I think that's definitely something I should supervise."

"You'll want to keep an eye on Leonard's clothing too."

"Why?"

"You know how men are with clothes!"

"Good point." Penny nodded slowly. She could just imagine Leonard turning up in a tuxedo with one of his t-shirts under the shirt for the party. Sheldon's red under-suit was offensive to the charm of a tuxedo enough. "But he's been pretty good with his formalwear in the past, so I'm sure it'll be okay."

"At least that's one less thing to worry about then."

"Yup. As long as he wears a tux and Green Lantern boxers, I'm fine with that."

"Umm... Green Lantern boxers?" Meryl asked cautiously, although she was sure she didn't really want her daughter to expand on this point.

"I have a thing for Leonard dressed as Green Lantern." Penny sighed. That wasn't really a conversation she was going to have with her mother. "Anyway, that's not the point. The point is that Leonard's pretty much sorted on that front and I don't have a dress."

"You'll find one, don't you worry. You've got plenty of time."

"I know, I know." Penny nodded. "I should go, Bridget, Josh and Leonard will be on their way back from the airport so I need to make something to eat."

"Make sure it's actually edible." Meryl advised.

"Yeah, yeah." Penny giggled. "I'll talk to you soon, Mom."

"Keep me updated on the dress search, okay?"

"I will. Say hi to Daddy for me."

* * *

><p>Taking a deep breath, Penny admired her reflection in the mirror. <em>This <em>was the dress. Her heart was pounding and her mouth kept curling into a smile without her realizing, and she couldn't keep her eyes off herself. When she'd first turned around to see her reflection in the dress for the first time, she'd stopped and blinked for a while in attempt to take in the appearance. It had looked beautiful on the rack and, in her opinion, even better on her. She'd then spent a couple minutes walking around a little while to see how she looked moving in it, even dancing a little when the woman helping her had left her alone. It was perfect. She loved it, and it was the _right _dress.

Initially she had planned on taking a photo to send to her bridesmaids and mother, but now as she continued to stare at herself, she wasn't so sure she wanted to. It was _her _dress and _her _wedding. Leonard wasn't going to see her dress until she walked down the aisle, and she wanted to keep it a surprise for everyone else too until the big day. Grinning, she spun around once more. Yes, this was definitely going to be her own little secret. It was more exciting, she thought; knowing she'd chosen a dress and getting to reveal it on her wedding day.

With Leonard, Amy and Bernadette at work, and Bridget out in Los Angeles with Josh, she'd decided to take herself dress shopping that morning, and now she was glad she had done so. She'd expected to just try on a few and leave with a few ideas, but now she knew. Now she could go to her revision class knowing that she knew what she was wearing when she got married. Because once her exams were over, she had the remainder of the summer to plan and relax before everything else happened. And as much as she was dreading taking the exams, she was _ecstatic. _The rest of her life was right in front of her, and the rest of her life looked beautiful.

"No takeaway every night of the week, no babies before the wedding, no skipping out on workouts." Penny told herself in the mirror. "You are _so _gonna be the hottest bride, like, _ever_." Turning round and looking over her shoulder, she raised a brow. "I have _got _to get back on those squats and lunges. You can tell our building has an elevator... all those stairs at 2311 had an advantage after all."


	29. Luck

**A/N - It's taping day! So I felt I should update today. Not the happiest update, but we all know things are up and down and restoration is a process not an overnight occurrence! As the song goes, "only know you've been high when you're feeling low" - yeah I can be a bit cheesy today because I'm excited. Anyways, I will leave you all to your reading! **

* * *

><p>A week in California had done Bridget and Josh well; the couple left Nebraska in good spirits. Bridget felt a lot more confident with her sisters progress, knowing that she didn't have to worry as much as she had been and report back to their mother that things were indeed continuing to go well. And getting to spend time with her future brother-in-law was good too, knowing that she wouldn't have to worry about Penny not having anybody to take care of her. She was excited to see what the couple's wedding would look like, though they had become equally easy-going with the planning process by the time she had left.<p>

Penny felt refreshed after having spent some time with her sister. With all her own wedding talk, she tried hinting at Bridget if an engagement was on the cards for her and Josh, to no success. Bridget was very happy to be in a relationship but her own feelings towards them were always kept to herself until she was absolutely certain, but it was still fun for Penny to probe. Having gotten a lot of her chest, she felt far more stress-free and focused on studying for her exams.

However her stress-free self became increasingly more stressed the further she got into her revision and began to worry that she had not spent enough time during the semesters ensuring that she really understood everything. Her focus on studying had gone from just that to a near obsession with cramming in as much information as physically possible. Things she thought she had understood suddenly seemed foreign to her, as though she'd never read on them before.

Leonard would stay up late with her, helping her study and going through studies, only to find her awake bright and early in bed quizzing herself silently with a mug of coffee beside her. He would make her breakfast before heading off to work, but he often found most of the food in the bin by the time he returned. She was adamant in telling him that she had taken breaks every day, but he couldn't be sure. When she told him one night that she was scared of not doing well, he insisted that it was okay if she didn't do as well as she wanted - she just needed to do the best that she could do, and she knew more than she thought she did. But Penny was having none of that; she was hell-bent on ensuring her success. Leonard was worried, but Penny was stubborn and refused to be distracted.

One morning, he found Penny sitting at the kitchen island with her head in her hands, an empty mug by the coffee maker.

"You okay?" He asked as he passed by, grabbing a mug for himself before pouring two cups. Receiving no response, he frowned as he turned to look at her. "Penny?"

"Hmm." Penny mumbled, mostly out of annoyance at the now broken silence.

"Are you okay?" He repeated, coming over to sit beside her and placing the two full mugs in front of them. "Did you get any sleep?"

"Mm-mm."

"Maybe you should go back to bed then. Or at least have some coffee."

"That's what I was trying to do." Penny said quietly, trying to ignore the throbbing in her head. Groaning, she slowly stood up. "God, my head is killing me."

"You should get some sleep."

As much as sleep seemed incredibly appealing, Penny was also very aware that her first exam was in two days. "It's fine. I'll have some coffee and take a nap later." She said, reaching for the mug and taking a long sip. It burnt her throat but it did the trick of awakening her senses slightly.

Hesitating for a moment, Leonard frowned before making his decision. Sometimes Penny needed somebody to be just as firm as she was. "You know what Penny? It is not fine."

"Leonard, please, my head." Penny reminded him with an annoyed huff.

"Go to bed. Get some sleep. You're not going to remember anything you take in today if your head hurts that much and you haven't had any sleep. Trust me, you'll pay for this when it comes to your exams and you're tired as hell and can't concentrate enough to write anything decent down and spell your own name wrong."

"But-"

"No." Leonard took the mug of coffee from her hands. "Go to bed."

Staring at him, a wave of annoyance washed over Penny before it faded into the pleasant comfort of knowing he was just looking out for her. "Fine," she nodded slowly. "I'll go back to bed."

"Take a few hours. I'll stay home today and wake you up around eleven with a big brunch so you can still study during the day." Leonard told her, leading her back to the bedroom. "And then you're getting an early night."

"Thank you." Penny said quietly, grateful that he had the sense to organize her day better than she could herself in this stress. "I'm just... scared. I don't want to fail. These are big exams, Leonard."

"I know, I know." Leonard smiled at her sympathetically. "But you're not going to fail."

"How do you know that?" Penny asked as she got back into bed. She had do admit, it _did _feel good to know she was allowing herself some sleep.

"I just do. You've been working your ass off with this course. You're gonna do great." Leonard assured her, tucking a strand of hair behind her ears and kissing her forehead. "Wait here, I'll get you some water and painkillers so you can get to sleep without that headache pestering you."

Penny did as she was told, fluffing out the pillows on the bed and wriggling out of her robe. She'd thrown her robe across the room and pulled her hair out of the bun she'd tied it into the day before when he returned, and she gladly accepted the medication and water.

Lying down once she was done, Penny smiled up at her fiancé. "I love you."

"I love you too. Now get some rest, okay?"

"Okay."

* * *

><p>Leonard went all out. To him, the act of actually studying had come easily: he had been raised with an academic mindset. He hated his upbringing, but it had aided his studies greatly and he knew that this was not something Penny had experienced. He had come to understand that she needed help; she couldn't quote sections of textbook on demand. His parents had pretty much ensured that he understood the stress it entailed, no matter how easily the material he was learning was being absorbed.<p>

So he organized her flash cards and wrote out chunks of information she'd highlighted and typed it for her in monologue form. Penny may not have an academic mind but she had always been good at learning her lines, so he figured that would be an easier method for her. He sharpened her pencils and tidied up her stationery so it was ready for her to use, and placed a large bottle of water on the table. When it got nearer to her waking time, he drove out to the store to buy her favorite foods and set about preparing a very generous meal for her. She would insist she couldn't eat it all and he'd disappear for a few minutes to make coffee and she'd have eaten half of it when he returned to her.

Impressed with his timing, Leonard had the food ready seconds before the clock hit eleven. It had only given her a few extra hours of rest, but he knew if he let her sleep longer she would be awake into the night again. He cautiously woke her, and at first she grumpily resisted - something he had expected given her hatred of mornings and being woken up - before slowly sitting up and promising she wasn't just going to fall asleep again. He left her to use the bathroom and quickly made the bed before they both headed down to the living room. Just like he'd expected, when she saw the food she exclaimed that there was no way she could eat all of that. When he returned with two mugs of coffee and an apple for himself to snack on, she'd gotten through half of it already.

Her face was stained with food debris. She had bits of sauce in her hair from where she'd evidently kept moving it out of the way. Her eyes still looked tired and she was wearing the same Nebraska Huskers t-shirt and blue jersey shorts she'd put on three days ago. But she was still beautiful as ever, Leonard thought. Perhaps not in an obvious way, but she was beautiful for being dedicated. She was beautiful for having something to stress over and needing his help and wanting to prove she could do this. Just like he had begun experiencing things Penny had gone through in her youth - drinking, nights out, karaoke bars, casual dinners with your girlfriend, parties with friends and mistakes to regret the next morning -, Penny was experiencing what he had and still did with academics. Even Sheldon still did it. Becoming obsessed with nailing a theory so perfectly you could recite it and apply it to anything offered to you. Putting essentials such as sleeping and eating in the back of your mind because you had to ace your exams or your next big project - anything else wasn't an option. It certainly wasn't healthy, but he'd been there. Studying may have been a lot easier for him but the pressure from his parents and his own mind meant he was no exception. Leonard found himself smiling as she slurped noisily at her coffee.

"What?" She asked, furrowing her brow.

"Nothing." Leonard shrugged. "I was just thinking."

"About?"

"You."

"Me?"

"Yeah. Just things about you..." Leonard chuckled. "Things about us."

She considered asking him to elaborate, but she was onto the final chicken wing she had saved for last. "Alright then."

Knowing that Penny liked to enjoy her final and favorite bit of food, Leonard stayed respectfully silent until she had licked her fingers clean. "How was that?"

"Amazing." Penny put the plate down on the coffee table. "I think I need to take a five minute rest before I have a shower. You're joining me, by the way, for some stress release."

* * *

><p>"I'm sorry." Penny said quietly once Leonard had parked the car and shut off the engine. He had taken the day off just to take her to college for her first exam - she had insisted he didn't need to, but she was glad that he had.<p>

"What for?" Leonard turned to her, unbuckling his seatbelt.

"I just... I promised to take care of myself, you know? Especially with the baby thing and everything that's happened, I just... didn't mean to get so caught up with all of this. Exams never really mattered to me until now and I freaked out. So I'm sorry."

"Penny, it's okay if you get freaked out and stressed over things." Leonard assured her, taking her hand. "It happens to everybody and we all deal with it differently. Sometimes we forget to take care of ourselves. Remember when Sheldon didn't sleep and ended up in the ball pit?"

"I bet _he _didn't need someone to force him to eat food." Penny grumbled.

"Actually, in case you don't remember it was Bernadette who made him go get some sleep - she came back the following night too to shout at him. And Howard made some pretty nasty threats to make Sheldon eat his food."

"But he was on the verge of some discovery, I was just studying."

"It doesn't matter what it is. The point is that we all reach that stage at some point. You don't have to be sorry about that."

"I want to be able to take care of myself!" Penny exclaimed, exasperated. "I love having you to take care of me but I wish you didn't _have _to. Like, don't get me wrong, it's nice to be taken care of like that. When you get stressed I like taking care of you too. But remember how much you hated that you couldn't have come to the conclusion yourself that you would have done better with some sleep and a decent meal?"

"Yeah..." Leonard slowly nodded.

"And for me it's everything else that comes under that stress. I'd been really stressed over that paper when we lost the baby and I was stressed when you were on your expeditions. Nothing good ever came out of that and every time I tell myself it won't happen again. If something happens it's gonna be my fault and my good grades are gonna cost me something."

"Please don't think like that, Penny." Leonard frowned, squeezing her hand. "I know bad things have happened in the past, but you can't attribute them all to yourself. You _deserve _good grades - hell, you deserve _amazing _grades. But that doesn't mean they'll be at the expense of something else. We're not having a baby right now, I don't plan to go _anywhere_, you're in good health, my job right here in Pasadena is going well and most importantly - we have a plan. You were never one for organizing but you've made it so that right now, you're allowed to be as stressed as you need to be. Perhaps I didn't like _how _stressed you got but... once your exams are over that's all over and all you need to think about is what you've planned for us."

Giving him a small smile, Penny reached out her free hand to touch Leonard's cheek. "Sometimes you overthink everything and I'm really glad you do because it means somebody has fixed everything I was worrying about."

"So go and ace your first exam, okay? And then ace the rest of them."

"I plan to. But-"

"No _but_. If you don't do as well as you want, it's not the end of the world. Nobody is going to care if you don't get perfect grades in your exams - what's going to matter is what you do with your future. And you've got that all planned out, so there is literally nothing for you to worry about."

"I just..." Stopping, Penny sighed. She had nothing else to say - she knew Leonard was right, but she also knew she needed those grades for herself. "I'll do my best."

"I know you will. Your best is more than enough."

"As soon as these are all over I need to make sure my wedding dress still fits. I ate too many chicken wings recently and that's all your fault and I feel like I'll need to eat some more."

Laughing, Leonard leaned in to kiss her gently. "I'll buy you some more chicken wings."

"Barbecue ones?"

"And an extra box of spicy ones that I'll pretend you didn't eat."

"Will you do yoga with me tonight in the living room?"

"No... but I can _watch _you do yoga in the living room?" Leonard offered.

"Deal. But no tickling my feet like you did last time."

"They were right in my face!" Leonard pointed out. "I'll pick you up later, okay?"

"Okay." Penny nodded, taking a deep breath. "I'm gonna do this. I'm gonna kick this exams ass. And then I'll kick some more exam ass."

"You're the fiercest ass kicker I know." Leonard smirked. He tucked a strand of hair behind her ear before kissing her cheek and handing her her Hofstadter-approved exam pencil case. "Good luck, Penny."

Nobody had ever looked at her with such sincerity and care when wishing her luck. Usually 'good luck' was a passing comment as she left the house or entered whatever room required luck. But not today. Suddenly feeling the gold locket against her chest, she smiled. Luck was totally on her side. It had simply taken a slightly longer route until it had reached her.


	30. Reassuring

"Ugh, I'm so sorry I'm late." Penny groaned as she flopped down onto Bernadette's couch, the backpack she had carried in crashing to the floor with a loud _thud _as it slid down her back and arms.

"Were you late because you killed someone and had to carry their body around in your backpack?" Bernadette asked, only half-joking. It was the only explanation for why the backpack had made such a loud noise.

"No! I just bought a lot of underwear on my way here and _then _I bought a lot of bridal magazines and then I bought some new weights." Penny explained. "Can I have some water please?"

"Water? I kinda have wine in the fridge... you know, girls night and all."

"I don't want wine," Penny shook her head, "I want water."

"O-kay then, water for Penny it is." Amy shrugged, giving Bernadette an apologetic look. The two of them had been looking forward to a girls night - what with Penny's exams and sister visiting, it was something they hadn't done in quite a while. "But I'm still having wine."

"I went to the gym just now then the sports shop next door was having a sale so I popped in before it closed for the night. I meant to go home at some point but I got carried away with the underwear shopping so just went from one place to the next." Penny kicked off her shoes, glad she'd taken the time to shower at the gym. She was determined to steer away from the whole wine conversation, still not to keen on the idea of drinking even with her improved state. "By the time Leonard and I say 'I do' my body is going to be _amazing_."

"Your body is already amazing." Amy pointed out, her mouth wavering in a smile.

"And you already have like, a thousand and one sets of underwear." Bernadette added, returning with Penny's water and a bottle of cold white wine. She'd pre-set three glasses on the table, so set about pouring out two of the glasses.

Sipping on her water, Penny watched her friends. It wasn't that she didn't trust them or thought they'd laugh at her, but she didn't think they would understand her efforts to look her best. She wasn't _unhappy _with her body or her current underwear collection. All she wanted was to feel good about herself and feel confident both on the inside and outside, and some days she just required different ways of doing so. Working out had become her stress buster and it gave her the control she needed over herself; one of Ellen's suggestions that Penny had come to enjoy. Shopping for underwear was her way of rewarding herself and, although it's main purpose was for Leonard's benefit, she needed it too. She had woken up in the morning from another nightmare and found herself needing her own confirmation that what had happened to her didn't mean she was no longer desirable. It was almost the opposite of her old habit of pulling her sleeves over her hands so nobody would see the cuts there; now she needed to show off a little to reassure herself that she wasn't any different just because of those things. A minute, almost irrelevant thought that had nagged at her, but she'd needed to solve it. Besides, what was so wrong with underwear?

"Even so," Penny placed her glass down on an empty coaster. "There's nothing wrong with working out and buying new underwear."

"No, I suppose there isn't." Bernadette agreed. "What about all the bridal magazines? I thought you knew what you wanted?"

"I do!" Penny nodded quickly. "I just like to look through them in case I get any ideas. Like, yesterday there was this one with this _amazing _cake and I just _need _to have a wedding cake as amazing as that."

"Can we see?" Amy asked.

"That magazine is at home. I put it on Leonard's desk so he could look up the people who made the cake and the new wedding planner can get in contact with them." Penny looked around the apartment. "I could do with some cake right about now, actually."

"I don't have any cake."

"That's a shame. I might buy some on my way home." Penny shrugged.

"You're just gonna eat a cake on your own?" Amy raised a brow.

"_No_. I'm going to eat it off Leonard."

"What?"

"With Leonard. Whatever, same thing." Penny rolled her eyes.

Amy frowned. "It sounds very messy."

"Sometimes it is. Sometimes it's very... logically planned out. Or you can just use the kitchen island."

"You know we eat food from that kitchen island, right?" Bernadette half-barked, glaring at Penny.

"Relax! Any furniture we do it on we clean, _God_." Penny rolled her eyes. "It's not as if you and Howard haven't done it on this couch millions of times."

Amy shifted uncomfortably on the couch. "I hope this has been sterilized."

"We so have not." Bernadette folded her arms, face pink.

"Uh, he brags about it to Leonard all the time and Leonard complains about Howard bragging about it all the time to me."

"Yeah, well... you did it in the Decontamination Showers."

"Hell yeah we did!" Penny grinned proudly.

"Once I tried to get Sheldon to do it in the Decontamination Showers, thinking the cleanliness would appeal to him." Amy told them. "It did not."

"Would he do it in his spot?" Penny asked curiously. They'd gone down the rabbit hole now; there was no line when it came to these questions once Amy had brought it up.

"No." Amy shook her head. "He said he may consider it in the future but it's _too big a step _for now."

"Shame. That couch is a _great _place to do it, so long as you put blankets down on the couch cushions." Penny nodded thoughtfully.

"What happens if you don't put blankets on the cushions?"

"Well, your ass sticks to them. And, you know... other stuff happens that you don't want on leather." Penny cleared her throat, picking up her water again. "Anyway! What's new with you guys?"

"At work we had enough clinical trial patients without excessive sweating to mark our new pills as a success!" Bernadette grinned, raising a glass. "Which means I get a bonus this month!"

"Ooh, so this months drinks are on Bernadette!" Penny laughed, raising her glass of water in congratulations.

"What clarifies as 'enough' for it to be a success?" Amy asked, clinking her glass with Bernadette's and Penny's.

"If a certain amount have the side effects that would mark it unsafe, then it's not successful. If there's more people taking it without side effects, then we can move it forward. In this case it was a small margin, and one of the girls was already a bit too sweaty before she started taking it so we were a bit unsure of how to judge that." Bernadette shrugged.

"Basically don't buy anything made by Bernadette's company." Penny snorted.

"Hey!" Bernadette frowned. "I gave Leonard some hay fever tablets we were working on and he was perfectly fine!"

"Yeah, that's because I threw them straight in the bin." Penny rolled her eyes. "He's just too nice to tell you. I sent him to the doctor to pick up some of his usual ones instead."

* * *

><p>"I mean, it's weird, right?" Penny sighed, leaning back into the comfortable oversized couch in Ellen's office. "I have it all planned out - getting married, having kids, finishing my studies, work - and yet I'm still all over Leonard as if we're preparing to try for a baby right now. I'm pretty sure I bring it up at least twice a day to at least two different people."<p>

Flipping through the most recent pages of Penny's file, Ellen smiled. "It could just be a change in hormones now that you're taking your pill correctly. Plus you're getting married and planning a family - that's exciting!"

"I know, but even _I _wish me would shut up sometimes."

"You were under a lot of stress recently, and you've had a very rocky few years before all of this excitement." Ellen said, flipping to a fresh page in her notepad. "It takes time to settle down and sometimes we fluctuate between these highs and lows. Remember the first time we met and I asked you to tell me about Leonard?"

Wincing, Penny nodded guiltily as she folded her arms across her chest. "Yeah."

"If I remember correctly, you broke my very expensive crystal vase and told me not so delicately where I can shove my pen and notepad." Ellen laughed.

"Again, I am very sorry about the vase. And about what I said." Penny said quietly, finishing with a nervous laugh.

"Don't worry, I've had worse things said and more expensive things broken. You'd think I'd learn one day to not put nice things in here. Anyway, my point is - once upon a time what was going on between you and Leonard made you angry enough to break the belongings of a stranger. Nowadays you have a lot of positive things going on that heighten your emotions and responses in a good way. But between all of that you had a lot of in-betweens and ups and downs. Recovery doesn't just _happen_. When you were depressed, you didn't just wake up the next day _not _depressed. You had better days and worse days in between - that's how the recovery journey goes."

"So this is just... recovery?"

"Yes and no." Ellen leaned forward slightly. "Yes, because you're going to go through a lot of these rollercoaster periods where you think 'oh my God I'm annoying even myself' and don't really have a reason for it. You'll have days where you're pissed off excessively just because Leonard forgot to pick up toilet paper on his way home or you hate the color of the dress your Mom wants to wear to your wedding, even though you know it's not really _that _big a deal. Another day you'll be humming the wedding march all day. No, because... you're excited. Who cares how you show it? There's no right or wrongway of expressing your excitement for getting married and planning a family. It doesn't have to be part of any recovery journey at all, just part of... life. You'd probably still feel like this even if you hadn't had depression or a miscarriage."

"Do you think it bothers Leonard?"

"Are you kidding? He's getting sex out of it, what guy is bothered by _that_?"

"Not by that! I meant by the whole fluctuating thing."

"Has he ever said anything about it?"

"No, but... sometimes I feel like it's a lot for him to deal with and I feel bad about it."

'He loves you, Penny. Believe me when I say that guy is _more_ than prepared to deal with anything that comes his way when it comes to you." Ellen assured her. "If it were the other way round, would _you _feel like it was too much to deal with?"

"No." Penny shook her head quickly. It was a simple answer that required no consideration.

"Would you like to come in together? It's easy to tell you to just ask him how he feels, but sometimes it's reassuring to have somebody there to help you along."

"He'll think I'm just-"

"Penny," Ellen cut her off firmly, sitting back up. "You do not know what Leonard thinks, or what he might think. Yes, maybe he would prefer to just talk to you without me there. Maybe you want me there and he'll understand that too."

"Yeah, but-"

"You spent two years depressed and alone, self-harming and hiding. You had a miscarriage. That is a lot to deal with by yourself, and a lot to deal with for Leonard. Those are not things you're just going to recover from the moment something good happens, Penny. Marriage is hard work too. Having a baby is hard work. Sometimes you need help and that's perfectly fine. Don't feel bad about that, and don't assume Leonard is going to think less of you for any of those things."

All Penny could do was blink at Ellen's sudden firm tone of voice. It reminded her of her parents and how they too would quickly turn serious when she wasn't listening. "Okay."

Once more, Ellen leaned forward and this time spoke more softly. "Leonard thinks the world of you for going through these things and still achieving the things you do. The same way you tell me you think he's amazing for becoming the person he is today given his childhood."

"He does?"

"He does." Ellen confirmed. "Now why don't you show me those photos of bridesmaid dresses you told me about - we still have ten minutes left and I _love _weddings."

* * *

><p>"I saw this photo on the internet where underneath their tuxedo shirts, the men were wearing Superhero t-shirts." Sheldon said, grinning excitedly as he explained his idea to the others over Chinese food. "Can we do that for Leonard and Penny's wedding?"<p>

"Absolutely not." Penny shot Sheldon a glare before anybody could say anything in response.

"But... Leonard said it would be pretty cool." Sheldon raised his brows at Penny, pursing his lips. Leonard busied himself with a forkful of chow mein.

"Leonard also said 'hey, a milkshake can't do that much harm' two days ago." Penny pointed out.

"You really didn't need to bring that up." Leonard winced.

Raj giggled. "I can't believe you thought a milkshake was a good idea!"

"Yeah, it's all fun and games for you guys - I have to live with him! We share a freakin' bathroom!" Penny rolled her eyes, still unimpressed.

"You think that's bad, Howard once ate my peanut butter bagel instead of his butter one and instead of going to the beach as planned we ended up in the ER." Bernadette shook her head. "And then _I _was the one who had to stick the plunger in the toilet."

"I was in a rush because you were yelling at me to pack my Spee- my swim shorts!" Howard said, flustered.

Penny looked over at Bernadette, scrunching up her face. "Why are we _choosing _to spend our lives with these people?"

Howard and Leonard high-fived each other.


	31. Mom

**A/N - Last nights new episode of BBT was AWESOME and today I'm finally beginning to recover from a horrid bout of infections that have kept me awake since Wednesday night. So I'm feeling pretty good today and that made me decide to update over here, since the other night I was lying in bed thinking about how long it has been since I updated over here! Enjoy enjoy :) **

* * *

><p>"Oh Jesus Christ." Penny grumbled from the bathroom.<p>

"What?" Leonard mumbled sleepily, eyes still closed.

"The aliens have landed." Penny huffed sarcastically, throwing a glare in the direction of the bedroom.

"Hilarious." If his eyes had been open, Leonard would have rolled them. Instead he just waited for a less sarcastic response from Penny, half-falling asleep again until she got back into bed with a dramatic groan before shuffling into his arms.

"You have to go to the grocery store in a couple hours."

"Why?"

"Period." Penny explained with a sigh, bringing his hands down to her stomach as a prompt. "I want chocolate."

"Fine." Leonard had learnt that it was easier to just agree to her requests rather than tell her to just go herself, so simply stroked his fingers along her lower abdomen.

"And I need tampons. But don't get the ones in the blue box again. They're the wrong ones, I've told you that before."

"Then you should get them yourself." Okay, sometimes he had to tell her to go. How was he supposed to remember which ones were the right ones? He was a guy, for crying out loud! How many different colored boxes could there be for one product, and how on earth did they make any difference? Penny had once tried to explain to him but he had stopped her before she got too in-depth.

Beneath the sheets, Penny kicked his leg hard. "I'll send you a freakin' photo of the box then."

Wincing, Leonard nuzzled her shoulder in apology. "Ugh, alright."

"Thank you." Penny squeezed his hand gently; it had become her way of saying 'I'm sorry for being a bitch'. "Guess this means no baby. I mean it's not surprising given that I'm on the pill properly and I really can't be pregnant to fit in my dress but... I still get hopeful."

"That's okay." Leonard assured her. "It'll happen eventually. In a few months we'll be arguing over who should go out and buy the pregnancy tests."

"I know. It just makes me a little sad sometimes." Penny turned around in his arms. "Back rub." She said, before smiling at him. "We would totally not have been having this conversation like, four years ago."

"You would have thrown something at me and slammed the door." Leonard chuckled.

"Aww, look at us all grown up." Penny grinned.

* * *

><p>"So... with this whole baby thing, did you just... suddenly <em>know <em>you wanted a baby?" Bernadette asked nervously, munching noisily on a potato chip as though it would cover up what she had just asked.

"Well... I'd thought about it before, but... yeah, when I _knew_ it was very sudden and very definite." Penny nodded. "Why - are you and Howard gonna have a baby? Oh my God!"

"Your house will be full of _so _many turtlenecks." Amy giggled.

"Believe me, our babies will _not _wear turtlenecks." Bernadette said firmly. "I was thinking that _maybe _it wouldn't be _such _a bad idea. Eventually, maybe I could do it. Like in a couple years when we're really stable with our finances and can afford a bigger place. But I'm still... not sure. I mean, how do you really _know_?"

Sighing, Penny set down her glass of water. "When I found out I was pregnant, I just thought it wouldn't be so bad - it was something we could handle. I knew I wanted them some time in the future, and it was a bit too soon but... it made me happy. I _knew _I wanted a baby the moment the Doctor told me there was no heartbeat."

"Oh." Bernadette suddenly wondered if perhaps not a conversation to have with Penny, and looked awkwardly over at Amy.

"Once you start really thinking about it, it becomes less scary - less of a thing that can turn your life upside down." Penny said, steering the conversation to a lighter note. "I mean, I took a few pregnancy tests before while I was dating Leonard and at first it freaked me out. Then I just started thinking... maybe it wouldn't be the worst thing in the world. Like, I _do _want to be a Mom and he'd be a great Dad. He even saw one once and it didn't seem like a big deal, but all the time I thought if he ever found out it'd be terrifying. The idea of it grows on you, if you start thinking about it seriously."

"What if it doesn't work out? I mean, we both have full time jobs and neither of us want to give that up. We had a huge argument over this before."

"You'll cross that bridge when you need to. If you both want kids you'll work it out." Penny assured her. "I mean, my parents didn't plan any of us and they still worked it out somehow. My Mom chose to be a Mom when it came down to it and she always says she's glad she did."

"I'd like to have kids with Sheldon some day." Amy mused.

"Those children would be _super _smart cookies." Penny nodded. "D'you remember when you guys wanted to make a baby by-"

"Don't remind me." Amy rolled her eyes. "It seemed like a good idea at the time! My first boyfriend, I was happy, and he is _really _smart. But I think I'd rather conceive our baby through the act of coitus."

Bernadette shuddered. "I still don't like the word coitus."

"Yeah, the activity is more fun than the word sounds." Penny laughed. "And it's definitely more fun conceiving a baby that way. You get to practice for it too!"

"You don't have to _practice_, that's just an excuse-"

"I know, I know." Penny held her hands up. "I can't help it."

"Do you think your improved emotional relationship with Leonard has improved your relationship on a sexual basis?" Amy asked.

Raising a brow, Penny tilted her head. "This sounds like something Leonard's mother would ask me."

"But has it?"

"I... this isn't _really _a conversation I'd like to have with you guys." Penny bit her lip nervously. "I'm sorry."

"No, no don't be sorry!" Amy said quickly. "I was just curious - you don't have to answer that. Sorry."

"It's just that-"

"Penny," Bernadette reached over and put a hand on Penny's knee to stop her. "You don't have to explain yourself if you're not okay with answering a question. It's perfectly fine to simply move on; we're not going to be offended."

Looking at Bernadette, Penny smiled. "I think you should have children." She said, tapping her arm. "You'd be a really good mom."

"Oh." Bernadette stared at her for a while, taken by surprise at what Penny had said given that they'd moved on from that part of the conversation already. "Thank you."

"And you as well," Penny said as she turned to Amy. "You're Sheldon Cooper's girlfriend. Your patience is immeasurable."

"Thanks." Amy smiled, heart fluttering at the compliment. "So will you."

* * *

><p>"And it just freaked me out!" Penny paused in her pacing around Ellen's office, hands extended in front of her as if waiting for someone to physically hand her an explanation to her problems. "Like, how <em>can <em>I be a good mom? I'm not... I don't cope with things well like they do. I panic, and I freak out, and I hide these things from people and..." Sighing, her hands dropped to her sides. "I just... I'm scared that I'm not gonna be a good mother. I want to be a mom but... I'm scared. I don't think I can be a _good _mother, Ellen."

"Why do you think you _can't _be a good mother?" Ellen asked. She'd experienced people finding themselves in a wave of doubt over whether they'd make a good parents with reasons from they were scared about their decision to fear that their partner wouldn't support them to genuine concern that they as a person were not suited to the parent role. It never got easier, but she'd learned to pinpoint the right questions depending on the person and the way they expressed their worries. Penny tended to freak out without warning and needed guidance to trace her thoughts.

Looking at Ellen for a while, Penny swallowed the lump in her throat before sitting down in the familiar armchair. Her eye contact didn't falter but her voice did. "I enjoyed cutting my hands. I couldn't do that on purpose now, but I remember that sick sense of power. When they told me there was no heartbeat, it was the first time since I stopped cutting myself that I wanted to do it again. I felt like there was no point in trying anymore and I let myself lose the battle. I got stressed over my exams and forgot to take care of myself. How can someone like that be trusted to be a parent?"

"What point are you trying to make with those examples?"

"I run and hide when things get difficult. I can't look after myself. Leonard doesn't deserve to have to look after me _and _a child. I'm just... I'm scared that one day something will happen and-"

"Would you choose to cut your hands now?"

"No," Penny raised a brow. "Why?"

"Would you enjoy it?"

"No, I'd hate it."

"What are you trying for in life right now?"

"I dunno - marriage, I want to be married. I want to try for a baby and have a family. I wanna complete my Psychology degree and I want... a lot of things, I guess."

"When Leonard told you to go to sleep and took the day off work to make sure you ate and sorted yourself out, did you?"

"Yes."

"If Leonard went on a four month sea expedition again, let's say... next week - would you break up with him? Tell him not to go?"

"God, no!"

"Are you going to be parenting this child alone?"

"No - I'll have Leonard!"

"Do you search for coping mechanisms nowadays when something is difficult?"

"I don't think so - sometimes I'll get stressed and someone will tell me to calm down and take a step back or I'll eat a whole bag of potato chips that are meant to be shared - but I don't really... look for something to distract me when things get tough."

"What do you do if you feel something that you can't really share?"

"I write it in my scrapbook."

"So why don't you trust yourself to be a parent?"

"I don't know." Penny blinked, stunned at how quickly she'd answered. "I'm just... it was only when Amy said I'd make a good mom that I suddenly thought, what if I'm not? And those things are what I'm most worried about."

"Most people, at some stage, question their parenting. Sometimes it's before they become a parent, like you. It's totally normal. Just because you've been through all those things, it doesn't mean they'll affect your parenting in a bad way. If anything, I think it makes _you_, Penny, a better parent-to-be."

"How?"

"You know exactly what scares you. You know when to talk to somebody and get help. You know where to draw the line and say 'that's enough'. You know what your strengths are and where to find them. You know what your weaknesses are and how to tame them."

"Did you ever think you'd be a bad parent?"

"Yup." Ellen laughed. "From the moment I picked up the pregnancy test."

"Do you get other people in here freaking out that they'll be a crap Mom or Dad?"

"More often than you'd think."

"Leonard will be an amazing Dad."

"He will."

"I called him Daddy in bed."

"That's... interesting. But you do have babies on the brain."

"Oh, this was, umm, way before that."

"I see."

"But also recently. I think it's kinda sexy." Penny bit her lip and looked over at Ellen apologetically. "I'm not really sure why I told you that."

Ellen shrugged and held up a hand. "You're the one paying me to listen to you. Whatever makes you feel better."

Finally sitting back down, Penny smiled, her cheeks slightly red. "I'm still overwhelmed by how much I want this. I love it. It's scary and it's exciting and it's... amazing."

"I know."

"I _will_ be a good Mom, I think. I'll try. I just... sometimes I need to freak out."

"It's healthy to be at least a little scared."

"I really can't wait to be a mom." Penny grinned. "Thank you for listening to all of... that. I know it's really stupid."

"It's not stupid. We all need somebody to talk to, and we all think too much sometimes without stopping to logically address our own doubts. It's good to just get these things out of our minds. But if you ever need reassurance about anything I just said, you know where I am."

* * *

><p>"Do you think I'll be a good mom?" Penny asked Leonard over dinner that evening. "Like, hands down all things considered no lying just because you love me and don't want me to be mad or upset, honestly do you think I will be a good mom?"<p>

"Yes."

"You don't even need to think about it?"

"No."

"Oh."

"Remember when you moved in and I started going on about how curry is a great natural laxative?"

"Uh-huh." Penny's mouth twisted into a half smile at the memory.

"You were probably totally weirded out by that. But you still came over and ate the curry."

"Yeah..."

"And you still used our Star Wars shampoo and conditioner."

"Leonard, what relevance does that have to us having a baby?"

"You asked me to get your TV from Kurt's house. A few months ago you called me to ask for a ride to the salon and suggested I could get my hair cut while I waited for you. The other day you asked me to go buy you chocolate and tampons. A few hours ago you asked me to pick up your package because you weren't home when they delivered it. But you never asked anything _of _me. You simply accepted me the way I was. Sure, you hated when I thought watching Doctor Who together counted as a date. You told me I look like a dumb space bear and wouldn't let me wear my Wookie hoodie to the mall but didn't care that I still carried it around that day to piss you off. You make fun of my Star Trek uniforms and you probably still have no idea what my job really is. But you never once told me to change these things about me or stopped me from doing what I love, even if you thought it was stupid. You even had an argument over Thor's hammer once." He chuckled, and reached across the table to hold her hand. "Penny, you accept people just the way they are, no matter how different they are or how little you understand them. You're kind and hold their hand when they need it most and guide them through life without asking for anything in return. You always said you have street smarts and to me, that meant you learn from the people around you and the situations you find yourself in, rather than relying on some factual piece of knowledge."

"Leonard..." Penny could feel tears in her eyes at his words.

"So yes, I think you will be an amazing mom. I know that our child will have in you someone that accepts them and loves them no matter what. I didn't have that. They will have a stable family; parents who wanted to have a baby and have their lives exactly where they want them - something you didn't have. We both ended up in the same place, Penny - right here having this conversation. Sure we're gonna hit some bumps along the way and have some sleepless nights because we haven't the first clue in how to stop a baby crying when we've tried everything we can think of, and we'll shout at them sometimes and wish we hadn't or we'll wish we'd taught them better than that when we know sometimes we just slip up in life. But you are going to be an amazing mom, because if I've learnt anything since the moment I met you, it's that you do not back down and you love with your whole heart, unconditionally."


	32. The Pact

Leonard had encountered asthma attacks with steadier breathing and calmer reactions. Penny's labored breathing and sudden tears had come from seemingly nowhere; she'd been relaxing on the armchair reading a magazine and the next thing he knew her coffee was all over her jeans and the floor. The clanking of the mug had drawn his attention away from the television screen, and he felt it roll to his feet just before he shot up to sit in front of her.

It wasn't difficult for him to know what was happening: he'd had panic attacks before too. Not in a long time, but he knew the signs. The cluelessness and begging in her eyes that showed how suddenly the panic had come on. The lack of awareness of the scalding coffee on her jeans and the uncomfortable tension in her limbs. The rasping sounds and small chokes as she tried to cry in the middle of hyperventilating while trying to find a way to speak.

Rather than sit beside her, Leonard had knelt down and taken her hands in his. She had gripped them tightly - not in the way she had when she'd been intentionally trying to hurt herself, but the tightness that came with fear and needing someone to hold you. He had quietly told her everything was okay, she would be okay and he was right there. Penny had nodded at him and squeezed his hands even tighter.

Eventually, when the panic had failed to begin easing away from her, he lifted Penny off the armchair - with difficulty, but he wasn't going to let her know that - and moved her over to the couch instead. He sat down too and allowed her to nestle her head on his chest and wrap her arms around his body, clinging on for dear life. He wrapped his arms loosely around her waist so as not to restrict her and gently rubbed her back up and down beneath her t-shirt, giving reassuring kisses to her forehead.

After a while she began to calm down slightly, squeezing him tighter to her but breathing regulating itself slightly albeit with ragged gasps.

"It's okay," Leonard told her quietly, "everything is okay."

"I know." Penny replied, her voice little more than a tired squeak.

"Do you want me to change the channel and find something else to watch?"

"Mm-hmm." Penny nodded, bringing her hands beneath his t-shirt in search of the warm comfort of his skin.

She ended up only hearing the program he changed over to, her eyes closing almost immediately after Leonard had set down the remote control and placed his hands on the skin of her back and hip to hold her to him. If she'd been paying attention she would have noticed that he'd put on _2 Broke Girls _- he hated it so she always ended up binge watching it alone while he was at work or asleep. But instead she kept her mind unfocussed and blank, allowing herself to relax entirely.

Twenty minutes later, Penny asked "did you get those little strawberry tarts from the store when you went this morning?"

"Yeah. Do you want one now?"

"Sort of... but I don't want to move and I don't want you to move either so I'll have one later." Penny sighed, nuzzling his neck. "I'm sorry if I freaked you out."

"You didn't, don't worry." Leonard assured her.

"I don't really know what made me feel so... panicky." Penny said truthfully. She couldn't pinpoint a specific thing that would have caused her to worry or think of something that particularly upset her. In fact, she'd had a pretty good day. Before when this had happened she'd usually been upset about something or could trace it back to a recent occurrence. "My doctors appointment was good this morning, the check up was perfectly fine. And the coffee pot was still hot when I got back so that was good. You even got most of the things I wanted from the stores _and _a magazine and the soft toilet paper."

"Well, you threw an even bigger tantrum about incorrect toilet paper than Sheldon so I learnt my lesson."

"It was not a tantrum! If I wanted to wipe myself with sandpaper then I would buy sandpaper." Penny rolled her eyes.

"It does _not _feel like sandpaper."

"Okay you're a guy you only get like half a vote in the toilet paper debate in this apartment." Penny nudged him. "And by the way, my snoring is _not _a problem. My doctor said so. The same way it wasn't a problem when I went like seven years ago. You just have to deal with it."

"Great." Leonard raised his brows. "Maybe I should get some noise cancelling headphones."

His comment received a glare from Penny. "You wanna sleep on the couch?"

"It's quite comfortable..."

"This close!" Penny held her thumb and forefinger together so they almost touched.

"Sorry, sorry."

"Can you change the sheets tomorrow? I'm going shopping for bridesmaids dresses."

"Ugh, but I _hate _changing sheets!"

"So do I, and currently you feel sorry for me and want me to feel better, so your answer is _of course Penny I would love to change the sheets _and also clean the bathroom."

"Alright, alright."

Looking up at Leonard, Penny smiled gratefully before giving him a quick peck on the lips. "Thank you."

* * *

><p>"You look happy today!" Bernadette commented as Penny hopped into the back of her car, having practically skipped down the road waving to Amy and Bernadette as she made her way from her apartment building to the car.<p>

"Well, I _am _very happy!" Penny grinned, buckling up her seatbelt as Bernadette pulled out of the space. "Not only did things get _really _great in the bedroom last night, but I also woke up this morning and for the first time I didn't feel guilty at all that something went wrong yesterday. Like, usually when I have a panic attack or I get really upset over something or whatever, I feel guilty that Leonard has to deal with it. And that's something I've been working on with Ellen, because I always end up worrying about it. And for the first time I never had that feeling... I just accepted that it happened and we dealt with it and I didn't have this need to explain myself or make sure that Leonard understood what was happening. And today we're shopping for bridesmaid dresses! So yeah, I am happy today. Very happy." Penny concluded.

"That's good to hear." Amy smiled as she turned round to look at Penny. "I'm glad."

"Me too." Bernadette nodded.

"So am I." Penny sighed contentedly, looking out the small window with a smile. "It makes me feel more... more like I'm getting there. Like, I'm feeling so much better as a person just from that one thing. Not having to look back on it and feel terrible. And Leonard really has been _so _amazing with all that he has to put up with from me, and so have you guys. So I am _so _ready to pick some bridesmaids dresses!"

* * *

><p>"Come on, I think it's cute!" Bernadette frowned, giving another twirl in the floor-length gown in the hopes it would convince Penny.<p>

"This one is cuter. The floral pattern is just _adorable_." Amy insisted, swaying her hips awkwardly in the silence.

"Ugh, guys!" Penny groaned, pressing her hands over her face before running them through her hair, which was already messed up from the amount of times she'd repeated the action. "Neither of those dresses are okay."

"Why not?" Bernadette and Amy asked, outraged, in unison.

"They're just not right. They don't go with my dress."

"It would be easier for us if we knew what your dress looks like so we knew what we were dealing with." Bernadette said, sitting down beside Penny.

"Not gonna happen."

Sitting on the other side of Penny, Amy did her best puppy-dog impression. "Please? Pretty please?"

"No." Penny said, rolling her eyes. She launched herself up all of a sudden and began pacing the length of the room. Her sister had given her a pep talk during a video chat whilst Amy and Bernadette had gone out to buy them some lunch snacks, and she had had enough of the abundance of horrific dresses being paraded around. "No lilacs, or yellow, or floral patterns. Just no patterns, okay? And no pastels either. Plain, strong block colors. Rich blues, royal purples, deep reds - that's the kind of thing. Classy floor length, no midi lengths and nothing too short - nothing overly skimpy but no frumpy layers. Sleeveless, but not strapless. Got it?"

"Yes ma'am."

* * *

><p>When the door to the apartment opened, Penny jumped off the couch eagerly. She had woken up to an empty bed and no sign of Leonard in the apartment, and when she'd text to ask where he was he'd simply told her he'd be back later. Figuring it was something Sheldon-related, she'd simply resumed her day as usual. But she didn't hear from Leonard again for a couple hours and he wasn't back by the time she'd gone to the gym and returned, or by the time she'd changed and settled down in front of the television for a lazy evening.<p>

"Where the hell have you been?" She asked, making her way to the front door. Her eyes widened when she saw who was standing beside Leonard, and she launched herself at her sister in a tight hug. "Bridget!"

"That's where the hell he's been." Bridget laughed, squeezing Penny slightly before pulling back. "Reasonable excuse? My flight got delayed so he had to wait longer than we anticipated."

"Absolutely reasonable." Penny nodded so quickly it hurt her neck. "What are you doing here?"

"I heard you were having an absolute nightmare with bridesmaids dresses." Bridget said, leading Penny into the living room as though it was her apartment and not her sisters. Leonard followed behind and headed into the kitchen. "So, as Maid of Honor, I thought I'd come a little earlier than planned and help you out a little."

"You didn't have to."

"Don't give me that crap. Leonard told me everything - he even sent me a photo of how messed up your hair was. That was funny. You really need to chill out from what I've heard. You're getting married - this should be fun for you!"

"It's just hard to find bridesmaids dresses they both want to wear and agree on and actually look good and look okay with my dress." Penny sighed, sitting down and putting her feet up on the table.

"I'll go with them tomorrow. You can just stay home, chill out, book yourself a salon appointment so you're all set for your wedding night-"

"Oh my _God _I hadn't even thought of that!" Penny gasped, eyes wide. "Ugh, thank God you're here. Leonard honey, you're a genius."

"We've all heard that before." Bridget mumbled, rolling her eyes.

"It's my house, I'm not apologizing for what you overheard." Penny shrugged. "Okay, what else have I probably forgotten? Where's Josh?"

"Right now? Working. One of the day managers is on holiday so he has a few extra shifts. But it's okay, he's still got time off for the wedding."

"Good! I'm hoping it will inspire him to propose to you."

"Yeah..." Bridget cleared her throat. "Anyway, why don't we all just... relax for a bit, catch up, and then we can talk wedding later. Leonard made tea." She said, grinning as Leonard set down a tray with three steaming mugs.

"Tea? Not coffee?"

"I wanted tea." Bridget shrugged.

"How do you just walk into my apartment and start making decisions in here?" Penny raised a brow. "What if I wanted coffee? What if _Leonard _wanted coffee?"

"Nobody objected."

"I was okay with tea." Leonard said quietly as he sat down.

"You two are impossible." Penny rolled her eyes, picking up one of the mugs.

* * *

><p>"I'm back!" Bridget announced. She was met with silence, so kicked off her shoes, dropped her purse and headed into the living area to find Penny slouched down on the couch with her feet up on the table. Copying her sisters position, she held her phone out. "Wanna see a photo of the dress we picked?"<p>

"You picked a dress?"

"Yup." Bridget nodded. "You'll love it."

Taking the phone, Penny unlocked it and went into the photos - her sister always used the same four-digit code. She grinned as she saw the photo of Bridget, Amy and Bernadette posing in the dresses - blue, sleeveless but not strapless, knee-length and amazing, just as she'd wanted. "Those are perfect!" Amy had a shawl over her shoulders which worked well with the dress, and Bridget's didn't show off too much skin like she'd feared. "How did you manage to find something so perfect so quickly?"

"I knew what you had in mind and I knew where to go." Bridget shrugged, taking her phone back. "You don't wanna look through too many of those photos."

"Why? Actually no, don't tell me."

"Same reason I don't look through your phone." Bridget smiled. "So what's wrong?"

"What do you mean? Nothing's wrong."

"The only time you're lying on the couch in silence without even a glass of wine or coffee is when something is bothering you. I grew up with you, remember?" Bridget pointed out. "I'm your sister. You can tell me what's wrong. Your mind must be over capacity with the wedding coming closer and your appointments with Ellen and all this other stuff you've got to think about."

"Nothing's... wrong." Penny hesitated. "I just... I don't understand."

"What don't you understand?"

"How nothing can be wrong, and I can be so happy with literally everything in my life right now... and I still get these moments. Where I'll wake up feeling depressed, or I'll have a panic attack, or I'll get out the shower with a grand plan for the day and end up doing nothing because I no longer feel like doing anything at all."

"Hey, that's totally normal. Not every single day is going to be perfect."

"Ellen said it's just part of the recovery process. Some days I can't get enough of Leonard and some days I feel like I can't do anything at all. I mean, I wanna get married every day - that never changes. And these days all those bad moments are easier to deal with. I don't feel guilty and I can just get up and carry on. But some days, like today, I just..." Penny wiped at the tears forming in her eyes.

"It's alright. We all have those days." Bridget reached over and took Penny's hand, giving it a small squeeze. "But you, out of everyone I know, get to have an off day every so often. And deserve a thousand times more happy days."

"Do you ever think of me as like, your depressed sister? Your sister who had a miscarriage or your sister who liked cutting herself?"

"Do you ever think of me as the alcoholic sister?"

Penny turned her head to look at Bridget. "No. You're just Bridget. Sometimes I was scared when you drank too much or I worried about it but I never thought of you any differently. You were still Bridget."

"Exactly. You're still Penny. What you went through scares me and I worry and I feel upset when you're upset, but you're still just Penny to me."

"Good." Penny smiled. "Thank you. I need there to be people who still think of me as... silly, fun, annoying, bitchy Penny."

"Don't worry, I'll never stop thinking of you as bitchy or annoying." Bridget laughed.

"Excuse me, silly and fun were also part of that package!" Penny nudged her sister in the ribs.

"Ow!" Bridget scowled. "Fine, you're also silly and fun."

"Better." Penny smirked in a smug triumph.

* * *

><p>"Have you guys ever thought of making a no-sex pact until you're married?" Bridget grumbled as slouched her way over to the coffee machine. "Or a thing called <em>closing your bedroom door<em>?"

While Leonard blushed heavily and busied himself with scrubbing at the pan Penny had used to cook breakfast, Penny simply shrugged and gestured to the oven. "We left you some French Toast and it's keeping warm in the oven for you."

Glaring at her sister, Bridget took a long, noisy sip of freshly poured coffee. "How considerate."

"Ugh, stop looking at me like that. It's a big apartment, we never bother closing our bedroom door and I'm _sorry _my sister wasn't what was on my mind when Leonard put his-"

"I don't need a reflective commentary on what happened last night." Bridget held a hand up.

"You know, you could just get up and close the door yourself." Penny pointed out. "Neither of us would really notice."

"Hey, I'm not putting myself _closer _to the action!"

"Sheldon had noise cancelling headphones. You should get some."

"Why don't we just move on to a different topic now, I've made my suggestion."

"I like this idea." Leonard said quietly, clearing his throat.

"Thank you." Bridget grinned. "And I hope you _do _make that pact. But anyway, I was thinking we need to go do some food sampling."

"That doesn't sound like something I wanna do." Penny frowned. "Too much effort. Too many calories. Wedding diet, remember?"

"The food is for your wedding."

"As long as the food is tasty, I don't care what's being served."

"And it's not like she can risk eating chicken wings whilst wearing her wedding dress." Leonard chuckled. "As long as the food isn't cooked by Penny, I'm not too fussed either."

"Still, you need to give them an idea of what you want served there." Bridget pointed out, smirking. Leonard sure knew Penny and her food choices well.

* * *

><p>"So... do you think we should do this no-sex pact thing?" Penny asked, smiling contentedly as Leonard's thumb stroked the skin of her arm just below her shoulder.<p>

"I dunno. I guess it would make the wedding night more special." Leonard mused. "But it feels like a long time until then."

"A _really _long time. I guess it's not, but... I don't think I can go that long." Penny admitted, biting her lip.

"Well you still have your... what did Sheldon call it? Chew toy?"

"I prefer to call it... never mind, actually." Penny cleared her throat. "But yes, I do have that. And you have a very capable hand. But I'm pretty sure those things all count as cheating the system."

"Probably." Leonard chuckled. They were silent for a while, before he turned his head slightly to look at her. "I say we try it."

"You think we can do it?" Penny raised a brow.

"We can try. But I think we can go all the way."

"Well, we did manage two years."

"Technically you cheated the system."

"Oh and you didn't? Not once?" Penny smirked when he didn't answer. "Okay deal, we'll do this pact thing."

"Deal."

"But it starts tomorrow. We need to seal the deal."

"Good idea." Leonard nodded eagerly.

"Just give me a second, I'll close the door." Penny said, hopping out of bed and shuffling to the open bedroom door. She leaned out and kicked the closed door of her closet, where Bridget was staying. "Bridge, put some headphones on and listen to your loudest playlist!" Grinning, she slammed her door shut and turned to the bed. "Alright genius; lets seal this deal."


	33. Reflection

"I am _so freakin' horny._" Penny announced, closing the door of Amy's lab and leaning against it.

Amy scrunched up her face. "So you came all the way to my office to tell me?"

"Yes." Penny bit her lip. "I went to Caltech this morning but I didn't actually go inside I just had to get out of the house and then I had to have lunch with my sister and we met with the wedding planner and then I went to get wedding night underwear and Bridget told me not to dare going to see Leonard at work so... I had to go here instead."

"I'm still open to experimentation if you need some stress release."

"Amy!"

"What?"

"I do not need stress release!"

"Yes you do."

"Not from you!"

"Okay, not from me." Amy agreed. "It's probably not a good idea now that I have coitus with Sheldon. Last night, in fact. So actually I'm all good today."

"Damn, even Sheldon Cooper is getting some." Penny groaned.

"Oh, how the tables have turned!" Amy said gleefully, clapping her gloved hands together.

"Can you give me something to do? Like, cleaning a scalpel or labeling files? I feel like if I sit close enough to that... _disgusting _jar of brains, by the time I go home I'll feel too sick to be remotely interested in anything Leonard-related."

"Umm..." Amy looked around. "You can clean and dry those beakers if you want. And this scalpel once I'm done with it, and if you're done then you can help me label the samples. I'll even leave one open for you to really shut down that motor."

Pinging a pair of gloves from the box by the door, Penny nodded. "On it."

* * *

><p>"Where's Leonard?" Wyatt asked, releasing his daughter from their hug.<p>

"I sent him to stock up on groceries." Bridget told him as she hauled her parents suitcases onto the luggage trolley. Leaning toward her mother, she lowered her voice. "Leonard and Penny made a pact. It's better if she's not near him for too long or she gets... antsy."

"Aah, say no more." Meryl nodded, before stepping over to her younger daughter. "Feeling nervous yet sweetheart?"

"Nervous? Are you kidding? I'm so excited!" Penny gushed. "Maybe I will be a little nervous when I'm actually about to _get _married, but right now I'm just super excited."

"Well that's good news." Meryl grinned as the pair began leading the way out of the arrivals hall. "And you're definitely not pregnant?"

"Most definitely not." Penny confirmed.

"We actually have a bride that isn't knocked up! I mean, there's still a small window in which it could happen-"

"Don't worry Mom, it's not gonna happen." Penny rolled her eyes. "Trust me."

"This is very impressive. First one in the family who'll walk down the aisle without that telltale baby bump. Probably the only one."

"Well, if Bridge gets married she could do it too."

"I'm not gonna get my hopes up." Meryl chuckled. "I wouldn't put it past Scott and Michelle either!"

"They're still together? Wow." Penny whistled in shock. "Didn't expect that."

"Believe me, none of us did. But they're... still going strong. Which is really a good thing; they're great for each other." Meryl shrugged. "They're flying in in a weeks time. It's gonna be a huge collection of them on that flight - Scott, Michelle, Lucy, Gary, Libby, Mike, Josh... Dad's side of the family - have fun with that, by the way... oh, and Bridge told me Leonard's lot are flying in the day before."

"My God, I feel sorry for all the other passengers on that flight. And all of California when they're let loose." Penny raised a brow. "They're seriously all going together?"

"Yeah that airline is probably going to hate your sister for coming up with that idea."

* * *

><p>"Penny?"<p>

"Yeah?"

"What's this?"

"What's what?"

"This." Leonard held out the thick white envelope to Penny as she emerged from the bathroom.

"Oh." Penny blinked for a moment, heart thumping a little harder than usual, before she gulped and shrugged as though everything was perfectly fine. "That." Evidently her hiding place of the bottom of the pajama drawer wasn't very well thought through and Leonard _didn't _find it perfectly normal to find such things in there. She got into bed and looked at him, still standing with the envelope in one hand and a fresh white t-shirt in the other. "Those would be my exam results. Could you put your t-shirt on please? It's really not helping me stick to the pact."

"Your _exam results_?"

"Yes. T-shirt."

"Why are they in the bottom drawer?"

"Leonard, t-shirt!"

"How long have they been there?"

"I need you to put your t-shirt on because I am _this _close to jumping on you, Leonard, _this close_."

Dropping the envelope on the bed, Leonard put his t-shirt on with an almighty sigh as though it were a great inconvenience to his life. He got in beside Penny. "Better?"

"Do you think if we do it and don't look... like, under the covers, lights off, and keep our tops on... is there a loophole in this pact? We can even do it with our pants on! Isn't that what the buttons are for?"

"Are we going to talk about these exam results?"

Biting her lip, Penny closed her eyes. It wasn't easy being both worried and turned on all at once. Taking a shaky breath, she picked up the envelope. "I'm scared of what's in here. Of how it's going to make me feel. How it's going to make _you _feel."

"Penny - no matter what's in here, I am going to be proud of you."

Looking away, she fidgeted with the edges of the envelope. "I just... figured that if we waited until _after _we got married, it would be less... you wouldn't be marrying someone not smart."

"Penny," Leonard took her hand and used the other to gently lift and turn her head just beneath her chin. He could see tears in her eyes as she looked at him. "I'm not going to think of you any differently no matter what the contents of that envelope tells you. The woman I'm marrying dedicated a lot of time and effort and passion into this course and that will remain true regardless. Personally, I believe you will find you've done incredibly well and I know you studied tirelessly for these exams. But I _also_ know that you didn't have the easiest year and not all people work their best in an exam situation. I know it's scary finding out and in a way, it is easier not knowing. So you can open that envelope tonight or you can wait until after we're married - it's your choice. The Penny sitting next to me right now and the Mrs. Penny Hofstadter sitting next to me in a few weeks time both have the same exam results, the same guy beside them who loves her irrelevant of her grades. You shouldn't hide them."

A tear ran effortlessly down Penny's cheek, landing on Leonard's wrist. He gently stroked that cheek and she took a shaky breath, refusing to let go of his eye contact. Penny did not need to close her eyes or think about the depth of her fears towards her grades. Her own scrawled handwriting in her scrapbook was etched in the air between them.

_Leonard doesn't want to be with someone stupid; someone with no education. _That was an old insecurity that she couldn't shake. Doing her Psychology degree was helping, and it certainly kept her on track, but her grades reflected how good she was at actually conveying what she learned.

_I'm not going to be happy if I don't achieve a certain mark. _A common fear, but Penny couldn't control that. Even Leonard had probably suffered from that - but he was smart, he was an academic; he could aim high. What right did she have to expect such impressive grades?

_Leonard won't be proud if I do not get certain grades or marks because they won't be good enough. _Admittedly, Penny knew this was unfair. Leonard was never anything but supportive and constantly told her how proud he was. But she couldn't shake the feeling that inside, he'd be expecting more from her.

_All my hard work will go to waste._

_I spent so much time on this, I need it to be worth it. _

_All my plans are based on passing these so I can proceed onto the next two years taking fewer modules at once to focus on my life with Leonard. I can't afford to need to re-do these. _

And the most painful, most deeply inscribed worry of them all, hanging between the two of them in that moment as Leonard waited for a response:

_I'm scared the efforts of my grades will cost us our baby again. It makes me feel selfish. _

And so Penny made the decision to tell him. Not to shut him up, but to be truly honest. He was as much a part of that fear as she was: he was entitled to this fear too in his own life. In that moment, before the words left her mouth but were being formed in her mind, she realized that Leonard too could have the same fear about his work - he would understand. Penny needed somebody to understand and that somebody was right in front of her. Taking his hands from her face, she interlinked their fingers.

"I receive grades on papers and projects all the time and they'll show up on the screen. I work hard, _really _hard. But the last time I worked _this _hard - put _as much _in for the results in that envelope - the last time I received an envelope with my results... that was when we lost Hope. And I feel like I sacrificed our baby for that grade... I'm scared that's a sacrifice I've made again just for... just for my own sake."

"Penny, nothing you did was a... a sacrifice." Leonard's voice softened. "Losing that baby was nothing _you _did. You worked hard for the grades; the same applies now. It was a horrible coincidence that you happened to be so stressed and exhausted right before having a miscarriage. But do not let that scare you into hiding from the things you deserve."

"I can't help being scared." Penny whispered. "I feel like I don't deserve those grades."

Leonard leaned forward slightly to kiss her forehead. "It's okay to be scared. Just don't be scared into believing you don't deserve anything but the best."

Closing her eyes, Penny took a deep breath and squeezed Leonard's hands. "I love you," she told him quietly, opening her eyes again, "and we'll open them tomorrow. I promise. Otherwise I'll be overanalyzing whatever is in that envelope rather than sleeping. My emotions are just all over the place right now."

"Okay." Leonard gave her a reassuring smile, giving her a gentle kiss on the lips. They released each others hands so they could shut off their bedside lights and lie down, Penny's chest against his back with his arms around her waist. "What are you doing tomorrow?"

"Lunch with Mom, Bridge, Amy and Bernadette. One last relatively quiet day before all the hardcore wedding stuff and the rest of them start arriving. Dad said he wants to come by your lab and see what you're working on, is that alright?"

"Of course! Just let me know when, I'll be going between the office and lab in the morning."

They were quiet for a moment, before Penny frowned. "Leonard?"

"Yeah?"

"You're not writing your vows in Klingon, are you?"

"Only if you're not quoting _Sex and the City _in yours."

"I'm not quoting _Sex and the City_." Penny smiled into the darkness.

* * *

><p>"Anybody home?" Penny peered around the door to Leonard's lab, stepping in when she saw him in one of the corners, fiddling with a bit of equipment.<p>

"First President Siebert, then Wyatt, and now you... I'm just full of fun visitors today!" Leonard chuckled, hitting a yellow button that seemed to stop the hum of a machine Penny couldn't quite locate.

"I was supposed to meet my Dad back at the cafeteria but Howard text me to say he was showing him some stuff, and I only saw the message once I got here so... I thought I'd come say hey." Penny shrugged. "Mom and Bridge gave me the day off from bride duties."

"Oh? What have you been up to instead?"

"I went to the mall after Dad dropped me off but none of the purses I looked at really appealed to me. But I'm not sure if that's because they're a lot more appealing when I know you're gonna pay."

"This better not be you roping me into another mall trip." Leonard raised his brows. "I'm not going." He turned a few pages in his notebook at the workstation nearest his desk, picking up his pencil. "Shall I go up by one or two? I went up by two last time and it still wasn't enough, but I don't want to risk it now I'm so close..."

_Physics is boring. Physics is not sexy. _"Uh, two." Penny said, looking around to try distract herself. "I like even numbers."

"Hmm. It does save time." Leonard scribbled something in the notepad. "If it's too powerful I can just replace this..." He circled something before Leonard forward and resting his chin in his hand, brow furrowed. "And then I just reduce a little here..." He stood up again, before leaning forward with his arms supporting his weight against the workstation. "Two may not even be enough, actually, and then I don't have to replace that at all if it isn't..."

Penny couldn't help the slight moan that left her lips as she watched him. So concentrated on his work, focused and absorbed by this passion of his. It was fascinating to see how easily he was drawn into the tiny things that helped him make sense of the world around him; how important it was for him to know that something is or isn't. Penny still didn't know if the universe was a hologram or not, but she did know that Leonard still pondered on the idea from the articles on his laptop from time to time. Last week it was something to do with NASA. All Penny knew was that she could watch him figure these things out all day, no matter how little sense it made to her.

Of course, all of these things bundled up into the physical Leonard standing at his workstation with his arms flexed framed by his blue t-shirt called for an intense surge of desire. Something completely not helped by their pre-wedding pact. In her trance-like state, Penny was unable to help flashbacks of previous times she'd ended up in his lab, lying on his workstation with him studying her just intensely as he was doing now with his experiment plan.

"Leonard."

"Yeah?"

Blinking, it took Penny a few seconds to acknowledge that she'd spoken his name aloud. Biting her lip as she tried to calm her suddenly heavy breathing, she stepped towards him. "You have _no _idea how much I want to take off my clothes and take the place of that notebook right now. And celebrate my exam results."

"As much fun as that would be... we have a pact."

"Please?"

"Penny, this isn't exactly easy for me either - play fair!"

"Would you say that it's hard?"

"I... Penny!"

"Come on, just put your hand down my pants."

"That is so romantic."

"You don't even need to adjust the settings or replace anything. It won't even take much time, you can still keep writing with your other hand. Like, you just have to get in there and I'll do the rest, it seriously will not take long at all. I'll return the favor and nobody has to know - it's not even _really _breaking the pact!" Penny pleaded.

Half-sighing and half-laughing, Leonard shook his head. "Not happening." He had no idea how he had so much willpower, but he was refusing to give up. Additionally, it was quite entertaining to see Penny this way.

"Why not? We definitely started this pact way too early. I want backsies. Ooh, backsies..."

"My office is unlocked. It locks from the inside and there's even a new box of tissues on the desk. You can send me some photos and I'll check them when I return to my office and I'll catch up and we'll be even. Maybe it'll be easier to last until the wedding that way and it's not _technically _breaking the pact, and when we have dinner together tonight we'll both be on the same page."

Leonard had hardly finished his sentence when Penny turned on her heel and left. He had no doubts that she was headed to his office.

* * *

><p>"Penny seemed oddly happy and carefree when she was exiting the building earlier." Raj said as Leonard approached the table in the cafeteria. The guys had all agreed to meet there before heading to the Comic Book Store that evening.<p>

"I'll bet she did." Leonard smirked, taking a seat beside Howard.

"Did you break your pact? I was showing her Dad the projects I'm working on and showing him how to use the machines and she was off _breaking the wedding pact _in your lab? That's not okay!" Howard exclaimed. "You wouldn't even let me break my wedding diet and you broke the _pact_?"

"Of course we didn't break the pact." Leonard grinned. "_We _did nothing."

"What's that supposed to mean?" Raj raised a brow. Howard cleared his throat.

"Alright, gentlemen. It is officially five-thirty, we can exit the building." Sheldon announced as he entered the cafeteria, as though he had been waiting at the doors for the clock to change over from five twenty-nine to five-thirty precisely. "Leonard, why did I see Penny leaving your office while I was on my way to the bathroom earlier?"

"Penny was in your office?" Raj asked.

"She was."

"What was she doing there?"

"She was just in my office."

"Were you there too?"

"No. Just Penny. I went back to my office later once I was done with the experiment."

"So... Penny was just hanging out in your office alone?"

"Yep."

"That's just strange." Sheldon scoffed. "She's been strange recently. I don't see why she'd be interested in your office unless it had exceptional Internet connection strength for her shoe shopping."

"Yup, that's exactly what she was using it for..." Leonard muttered.

* * *

><p>Considering how busy it had been in the apartment since the arrival of her sister and parents, Penny found the silence strange. Both welcome and eerie. But her sister and parents had left to move themselves into the hotel their relatives would be staying at to get out of Leonard and Penny's way, and Leonard was at the Comic Book Store.<p>

After helping herself to a cup of tea and an episode of _Sex and the City_, she switched over to whichever channel Leonard had been watching last and let the television play in the background before making her way down the hallway and into her closet. Switching on the light, she brought down her scrapbook from the topmost shelf and sat down on the floor.

Flicking through the pages to find what she wanted had become a simple task - as though there were invisible bookmarks for the thoughts she frequented most. A timeline of her deeper reflections at her fingertips, she turned automatically to the third page.

_The bleeding from my hands is warm. _

Her hands tingled unpleasantly at the memory. There was a small smear of blood on the page, and Penny quickly moved on to the next section.

"I'm scared of what will happen if I drink. I know I won't stop." Penny read this one aloud for the first time. Even as a thought, she'd never expressed it; it had always been an internal apprehension. "I'm scared of what I can do to myself if I lose control."

Frowning, Penny traced the words on the page. Was she still scared of that now? Possibly. She did not like the idea of losing control - she wasn't sure she trusted herself enough yet to go further with that idea. If a nightmare was enough to make her cut her hands again, what would happen if she let herself have another glass of wine?

The next page she turned to read, _I just don't want to wake up any more. _Fortunately, she had gotten past that. That feeling felt almost alien to Penny in that moment; she couldn't remember how it felt, but she could remember having that feeling and writing it down.

"I'm just going to go. England means I'm away from here. England means I'm closer to Leonard - even if he doesn't know it. I know it. People there won't be worrying about me because they don't know there's anything to worry about."

That came a sizeable chunk of pages after her wish to not wake up. Penny smiled at the flight ticket she'd stuck in besides that page, and the way she'd scribbled down her apartment address. An excited frenzy, or a frightened tremble? She couldn't tell anymore.

_Things aren't so bad here, I guess. _A half-hearted attempt to convince herself.

_My hands hurt but it's not enough. _

_It's opening night. I'm excited... I think. I just wish someone was here to see me. I wish Leonard was here to see me. This isn't how I imagined this moment. _

_I think I can get through this. But I can't get over it. I'll survive. _

"I'll survive." Penny repeated. It hadn't been meant so deeply as it felt now - presently, it felt so much more significant. As though her past self had, in that moment, realized that there was a reason to exist in the future and that she could get herself there. Penny was proud of herself.

Her next entry made her laugh. _Ellen was right. One day it would come back. Very glad I found that toy and brought it with me. I thought I'd hidden it pretty well after Sheldon found me and asked if it was for a dog. _

As Penny skipped through to her next significant section, she thought about the pages in between. She knew they were happier moments where she'd begun to feel more like a person again and started to take more control over her recovery process. But the next entry was one of her favorites.

_I can't believe Leonard is here! He saw my play. He came to see me. I'm terrified. I'm EXCITED. I'm afraid he'll judge me, that he'll hate me. I'm so, SO happy he's here._

The next sections were almost diary entries, which Penny was happy to skip. She knew what she'd written, she knew she'd had her ups and downs. The transition from London to Nebraska and Pasadena remained quiet, with just a few words here and there.

The following four pages, the final four, were incredibly conflicting.

The first sonogram with Penny's excited scrawl.

The second sonogram accompanied by the neat writing and _Hope Hofstadter, _which Leonard had written at her request. The full stop he'd placed there had become a black orb when a tear had fallen from her face and landed directly on the ink.

An incredibly messy, excited, colorful _WE'RE GETTING MARRIED! _surrounded by hearts. She'd printed a photograph of them with her showing off the ring and stuck it on the page.

And the latest entry, just a couple of weeks ago: _I'm still not over the miscarriage. I'm trying my best. I don't think anyone really understands me anymore._

Sighing, Penny stood up and retrieved a pen from Leonard's office. She sat back down on the floor and stared contemplatively at the following blank page before making up her mind and writing: _Leonard deserves to know more. I love him too much to tell him everything. But he deserves to understand me. _

Pausing, she chewed on her bottom lip before adding at the bottom of the page: _I can't believe I grew up scared of marriage and having kids. Now it's all I want. I'm so grateful that I got here. _

Satisfied, she put away her scrapbook and returned the pen to its place in Leonard's office. Feeling a lot more relaxed, having rid herself of the weight that had been on her shoulders that afternoon, she returned to the couch. It was strange how delving so deeply into her past made her feel so much calmer so quickly. But, as Penny unmuted the television, she realized that it actually made a lot of sense that reflecting on those moments made her feel presently more assured. Being able to face those things was progress. Feeling good about her ability to truthfully face the reflection of her past was a giant, impressive leap.

_Star Trek _was on, and she decided to watch that rather than change the channel. It was only fair - she'd subjected Leonard to his share of _Sex and the City _recently. When she heard the door unlock, she smiled to herself and listened as Leonard took of his shoes and jacket.

"Hey," Leonard said, upon finding her in the living area. "I wasn't sure if you were home."

"I've been watching Star Trek."

"You're kidding, right?"

"Nope." Penny gestured to the television, and Leonard raised his brows as he sat beside her and saw she wasn't lying. "Told ya."

"Impressive."

"Can we talk?"

"Umm... sure." Leonard nodded, turning slightly to face her.

"Okay. So I'll just say these things and... you can do what you want with them. I just had this feeling today that I needed to tell you something and I think I found it." Penny folded her legs beneath her. "I'm not over the miscarriage. Maybe you already know that... maybe you didn't until right now. I am trying my best and I _can _deal with the fact that it happened. I can talk about it. But I'm not... I'm not over it."

After a moment of silence, Leonard whispered "neither am I" as though he was trying not to choke on his own voice. He had spent a lot of time wondering if he was alone in feeling this way, and a few sessions with Ellen trying to deal with the fact that he still felt like that.

"But... it's okay, right?" Tears began to form in Penny's eyes at the realization that she _truly _wasn't alone. "You don't just get over something like that."

"No. I don't think it's that simple. And it's okay if that's the case." Leonard agreed, squeezing Penny's hand gently.

"I'm just not over it. And I'm still terrified of drinking. Of losing control when I could have not had that third glass of wine that made me want more and made me give up all that hard work. I'm scared. I'm scared of all the things I managed to feel when you were away and that they are a very real part of me, of who I am." Penny took a deep breath. "I just wanted you to know how I felt. We're getting married... and you're sort of stuck with me forever after that." She let out a half-giggle, which Leonard reciprocated with a smile.

"I'm perfectly fine with being stuck with you forever. So long as you're okay with being stuck with _me_ forever."

"If there was one thing I learned from all of those things I've told you, it's that I want nothing more than to have you in my life forever. You make that fear easier to deal with; you pour the right amount of wine in my glass, you hold my hand at every doctors appointment, you watch Jennifer Aniston films with me when I can't get to sleep." Penny smiled, leaning her forehead against his. "I am okay, Leonard. Just getting some stuff off my mind."

"Just jumping another hurdle."

"Exactly." Penny giggled, closing her eyes as he settled back into the couch and she cuddled up against his side. "This is what happens when it's too quiet. I think."

"Would you rather invite your parents back?"

"Nah. I miss having time alone with you, Captain Kirk."

"You've been watching too much Star Trek."

"Is that a complaint?"

"Not at all. Lets keep watching."

"Only because I love you."


	34. Welcome to California

**A/N - Hey y'all! Just a heads up... after this chapter, there'll be one more. 35 seems like a nice number to end on. But - rejoice - I have a third instalment to this (what will be) trilogy! I'm having surgery soon, so I hope to have this finished before then. And then we'll see what the new year brings :) Enjoy and have a wonderful Christmas! **

* * *

><p>"Umm... good morning." Bridget raised a brow at the sight of Penny lying on the couch, before sitting herself down in the armchair with her fresh mug of coffee. "Did you sleep here? We're supposed to be going to the spa in like, an hour. You told me to be here by now and you're still in bed! I even made coffee!"<p>

"Leonard kicked me out of bed." Penny scowled.

"Why?"

"_Apparently _I was moaning in my sleep and had my leg over him. You'd think sorting myself out in his office the other day would tide me over but _no_... so he kicked me out."

"Wait, you broke the pact?"

"Okay _technically_ since we didn't have sex with each other, no." Penny jumped quickly to the defence of her pact.

"Alright, I'll let you have that one."

"We agreed we only get one free pass in this, so... I slept on the couch."

"Just slept, right? Because people have to sit there you know."

"Yes, just sleep! I told you, one free pass. Though my dreams have had _many _free passes." Penny smirked. "It's probably a good thing you only just arrived. You would have regretted using the key I gave you."

"I get it, you can't keep it in your pants." Bridget rolled her eyes. "Come on, go get ready. You need to be relaxed when Leonard's family arrive and this spa trip was very expensive."

"Fine, fine." Penny sighed, almost rolling completely onto the floor with her blankets before standing up.

A disgruntled Leonard appeared in the hallway, shuffling noisily in his socks. He shook his head when he saw not one but two people in the living room. "Bridget?"

"Good morning!" Bridget chirped. "Good night? _Ow_!" She winced as Penny hit her on the back of her head as she walked past. She looked guiltily at Leonard as Penny headed off to the bathroom. "There's fresh coffee in the pot."

* * *

><p>Initially, Leonard had thought that his sister and Penny's sister could not be any more dissimilar if they tried. But the two of them sitting at the kitchen island involved in an apparently deep conversation seemed to be proving otherwise. Even his brothers wife seemed heavily invested in the conversation. Meanwhile, his sister's husband and his brother and were laughing about something with Josh and Wyatt in the living room - something on the television, he guessed, because suddenly Josh pointed a hand at the screen and yelled "see, told you!"<p>

"This is so weird." Penny muttered quietly to Leonard and she joined him between both rooms.

"I know. I really thought Kate and Bridget would hate each other. I _definitely _Michael would be scoffing at whatever anyone said... but that might just be what Mother's updates made me think of him."

"Lucky for all of us, she's safely away from us all in a hotel room across town." Penny smiled. "This isn't so bad though, huh? Weird, but good."

"Definitely weird but good." Leonard agreed.

"Tomorrow we get the rest of the weird... the Nebraskans!" Penny did a mini fist-pump. "Mom's just talking to Aunt Lucy now about the arrangements for tomorrow."

"I'm quite nervous about meeting the rest of your family." Leonard admitted.

"And you don't think I was nervous about meeting _your _family?" Penny snorted. "All these academic geniuses..."

"Except my Dad's girlfriend."

"You know, isn't it funny how your Mom is a psychiatrist and now I'm studying Psychology? Freud would totally be all over that."

Leonard winced in discomfort as though her words were physically causing him pain. "I really don't wanna think about that."

"And your Dad is dating a waitress... but he seems alright as a person, I guess you both have respect for those in menial jobs." Penny frowned. "But you're not really anything like my Dad... I mean, I guess you both make stupid jokes and like weird nerdy things. And you both have silly nicknames for me - Slugger, Lovebug... you both hate my cooking. Huh." Penny shuddered. "You're right, I don't want to relate those theories to us."

"Yeah..." Leonard nodded. "You wanna go watch TV in the bedroom?"

"Mmm... sounds good. But I get to pick."

"Oh _man_."

"Don't worry! I'll pick something you like as well. Only a few days until the wedding... I wanna treat my baby real good. And we can't have sex, so... I'm finding other ways."

"Wow, I'm impressed." Leonard chuckled.

"Don't be. In my mind I'll be undressing you." Penny winked. "Come on, lets go before my Mom finishes talking to Lucy. I think everyone's alright over here bonding without us."

"We can just watch one episode... maybe two... and then we'll join them again. They're not gonna notice - and in a good way!"

* * *

><p>"That was a lot of Nebraska to take in all at once." Leonard blinked as the elevator doors closed, having left the hotel diner with Penny after a 'welcome to California' dinner with both their families, once Penny's side had arrived from the airport.<p>

"Yeah... I forgot how rowdy they can get." Penny shrugged. "You should see them on the days Nebraska are playing. Red jerseys all over the place and not a quiet moment to be had!"

"I can imagine." Leonard nodded. "I'm surprised that there was no bloodshed between the New Jersey and Nebraska halves."

"Me too." Penny raised a brow suspiciously as they stepped out of the elevator. "Interesting. We'll have to watch out."

"Though folks from New Jersey can get pretty rowdy too you know."

Giggling, Penny linked her arm through Leonard's. "Perhaps, but I don't think Hofstadter's get rowdy."

"Clearly you haven't seen my sister on a Friday night."

"You haven't seen _my _sister on a Friday night." Penny snorted. "Although she's been pretty sensible recently."

"I think this merging of families is taking its toll on everyone." Leonard pulled out his car keys, about to move away from Penny to go to the drivers side but she suddenly clung tightly to his arm. Raising a brow, he turned ever so slightly to face her. "What's up?"

Blinking, Penny looked up at him and bit her lip. "Sorry. You just said merging of families and it made me think about babies again."

"Oh..." Leonard tried to work out for her face if he needed to apologize or say something else.

"Man, I can't wait to be married. Isn't it great knowing that you've just got this amazing future right in front of you, and just... not being scared of it?" Penny grinned, patting his chest. "But right now you should step away and get in the car because I'm about ten seconds away from pulling you into the back seat and making a baby right here, right now."

* * *

><p>"I can't believe Leonard and Penny are actually getting married and <em>so <em>soon." Amy mused, stirring her tea.

Sheldon tilted his head. "I can't either. But at the same time, I can."

"What do you mean?"

"Well, for a long time I thought Leonard's attempts to woo Penny were fruitless. They tried to be together so many times, I thought they were both being incredibly foolish. Clearly, something was telling them that they just weren't supposed to be together. But now I think they were meant to be together all along. They never gave up... not once. No matter what was going on, they had each other in mind the whole time."

Nodding, Amy smiled. "I agree. Despite how much Penny cried after meeting Priya being a real eye opener, I think the moment I realized how much Leonard meant to her was when I went to that wedding with Leonard. She was helping me get ready and told me she'd been to Stuart's cousins wedding with Leonard and it was difficult to get him up to dance but he'd do it eventually. She made me promise to get him to dance because it was adorable, and he never got to dance with girls back at school. Then she mentioned the next wedding she'd dance at would probably be Leonard and Priya's and she'd be dancing alone, which she tried to roll her eyes at but... I've never seen anyone look so heartbroken. When Leonard came out in his tuxedo and she kept touching him... I just knew she would give up anything so that he could be happy."

"Hmm, yes." Sheldon nodded. "Even when Leonard was with Priya, he always put Penny first. He spent a lot of time trying to work out if it was a good idea to invite Penny over for dinner whenever Priya was there or not. I mean, we both knew that if she's alone, Penny would only sometimes have dinner. When Leonard would go for dinner with Priya, I used to go over to Penny's and insist on eating the appropriate food for the day of the week. I'd rather eat alone, but at least I could tell Leonard she'd eaten dinner. And I would always pay, because that's what Leonard would do. As his best friend, I felt it was important for me to do that for him."

"That's really sweet of you, Sheldon." Amy smiled.

"Well, when you know somebody is in love with someone, you help them because they're too afraid to ask themselves." Sheldon said matter-of-factly. "Both Leonard and Penny did a lot of things for me without me having to ask. They just knew. It's tough being in love."

"I know." Amy replied quietly, incredibly touched by his words and sudden sentimentality. "But you're right. They did a lot for me too." Deciding to take a chance, she looked up at him. "Do you reckon that sometimes, they talk like this about us too? Not discussing the _weird_ couple of our group, but just... nice things. Like remembering moments in _our _relationship that they now understood when they reflected on its progression."

"I reckon they do. Our relationship may be different to theirs, but the principle is the same: they love each other; we love each other."

"Wow." Amy blinked, speechless at this stage.

"What?"

"It's just... I never knew you thought that way."

Shrugging, Sheldon gave her a small smile with a twist of confusion. "It's all logic. I may be looking at it from a different perspective, and maybe all this tea has gone to my head, but I'm just saying it as it is. When you love someone that much, you never stop. It's just impossible to pinpoint what exactly it all means. It's always those little things."

"Like..." Amy got up slowly, struggling to let her eyes leave Sheldon, before going to the stove and opening the lid of the pan she'd been keeping warm. "Spaghetti with little hot dogs cut up?"

"See, logic!"

* * *

><p>"Would the future Dr. and Mrs. Hofstadter please put their hands up where I can see them! Put your hands in the air like you just don't care!" Raj announced in a sing-song voice into his megaphone the moment Bridget had unlocked the door to Leonard and Penny's apartment.<p>

"What the hell?" Penny squealed, as Bridget and Raj came bounding into the apartment, followed by Howard, Bernadette, Amy, Emily and Sheldon.

"What is going on?" Leonard seemed to lean further back into the couch as though aiming to become an extra cushion, arms tucked in but hands slightly up as if unsure whether to follow Raj's instructions or not.

"The wedding day approaches!" Amy sang, a wide grin on her face.

"We are here to take you hostage for the night and get you to the church on time tomorrow!" Sheldon said, before adding, "but don't take that statement too literally, since you're not getting married in a church."

"Guys-" Penny began.

"Ba-ba-ba!" Bridget swatted a hand in Penny's direction. "You have no choice! Get her!" She laughed as Bernadette and Amy grabbed a hand each, pulling her up from the couch.

"Seriously!" Penny half-protested, half-laughed.

Howard and Raj pulled Leonard up too, who huffed. "You're going to dislocate my arms!"

"Honestly Leonard, neither of those two have the strength to dislocate your arms." Sheldon shook his head.

"Where are you taking us?" Penny asked, hands now limp as she gave up struggling against Bernadette and Amy's hold.

"Ah, we're not taking _both _of you to the same place." Emily grinned. "The guys are going to 4A for a nerd-a-thon."

"And _you_, Little Slugger, are coming with us for an evening of room service pampering."

Penny wondered if it was visible just how much those two statements had relaxed her. Although she knew nobody was going to force her to participate in any crazy bachelorette party rituals if she didn't want to - and she was certain that her sister at least understood that she wouldn't be up for that - her mind had wondered if perhaps they were kidnapping her for something similar just for tradition. But room service pampering? _That _she could do. Her spa day felt like a long time ago with all the last minute wedding stress - and all those extra workouts she'd been throwing in were definitely announcing themselves via her muscles and joints whenever she moved.

"Okay then, take us away." Penny grinned. "But first I wanna say goodbye to my fiancé."

"We might wanna step out of the room for this." Bernadette muttered loudly, and they all laughed as they made their way out to wait in the hallway.

"So... this is it." Leonard smiled, taking Penny's hand gently.

"I know!" Penny raised her brows, excitement etched across her face. "I can't believe the next time I see you will be at opposite ends of the aisle."

"And you're going to look beautiful. I can't wait."

"Me neither." Penny hummed contentedly, stepping in to kiss him softly. "I love you so much."

Leonard smiled, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear before gently stroking her cheek. "I love you too."


	35. I Do

_I am getting married today. I'm getting married today!_

The first thoughts to cross ones mind the moment they wake up were often insignificant and not worth remembering, often not even a real sentence; for Penny however, those thoughts filled her with an immense excitement that made her open her eyes wide and sit up.

"I'm getting married today!" She squealed into the room, a grin on her face and her hands clutching the sheets excitedly. If Leonard had been beside her, he would have a bruised arm by now and possibly a burst eardrum.

Smelling coffee, Penny slid out of bed and pulled on her brand new white dressing gown - a gift her sister had given her the night before - and shoved her feet into the hotel slippers that were slightly too big. She used the hair tie on her wrist to tie her hair into a messy bun as she left her room and crossed the few steps across the hall to the room being shared by Bridget, Amy and Bernadette.

A grinning Meryl answered her knocks. "Good morning sweetheart!"

"Here comes the bride, here comes the bride!" Bridget sang, holding out a mug off coffee.

Taking the coffee, Penny raised her brows and did a little bounce. "I'm getting married today!"

"Wow, it's kinda scary to see her so happy before she's had even a sip of coffee." Bridget folded her arms, looking at Penny curiously. "You didn't sneak Leonard into the hotel, did you?"

As Meryl hit Bridget's arm, Penny rolled her eyes and scoffed. "No, I'm just excited!"

"Besides, you would have heard them if she'd snuck Leonard in last night." Bernadette said as she and Amy joined the group still standing by the room entrance. "Come on in, soon-to-be Mrs. Hofstadter - we're ordering room service for breakfast!"

"Ooh... do I wanna order everything because I'm excited or order a reasonable amount because... you know, I gotta look _fantastic _tonight." Penny wriggled her brows.

"Eat everything." Meryl waved a hand at Penny. "Trust me, you'll fit into your dress and he's not gonna notice tonight anyway."

"Yeah, there'll be other things on his mind, bestie." Amy giggled, handing Penny a menu for room service. "Bridget showed me a photograph of you in that wedding underwear."

"You took a _photo _and showed it to people?" Penny smacked the menu against Bridget's arm.

"Really, you could eat twenty loaves of bread and ten pizzas and fifty dollars worth of Chinese food and he still wouldn't notice, if you're in that underwear." Bernadette nodded.

"It's not _just _about Leonard." Penny twisted her lips in contemplation. They were right - what did it matter what she had for breakfast today? It wasn't going to cancel out all the hard work she'd been putting in recently. Scanning the list of breakfast foods, she sighed. It did look tasty. And she didn't want her niggling insecurities ruining her day. "Okay, order everything."

* * *

><p>"Good morning."<p>

Leonard wasn't even phased by Sheldon sitting in the armchair by the closet of his old bedroom. Most importantly, he wasn't even bothered. He had given himself the luxury of nine extra minutes of sleep thanks to the Snooze button, managing to pleasantly doze in that time. He often forgot how comfortable his old bed had been.

"Good morning, Sheldon." Leonard practically chirped.

"It's good to hear you so happy this morning."

"I'm getting married today!" Leonard grinned. "Of course I sound happy!"

"I'm happy too - I _knew _you were going to hit the Snooze button." Sheldon also grinned, proud of his foresight to schedule in alarm snoozes. "You never did that before Penny came along."

"Those nine minutes can often be a blessing."

"I prefer it when you and Penny use those nine minutes to sleep rather than... race against the clock."

Smirking, Leonard chuckled. "You should try that sometimes. It's a fantastic challenge."

"Huh." To Leonard's surprise, Sheldon paused in consideration. "Interesting. I do like a challenge."

"Okay, this is getting weird."

"Then lets go have breakfast. Koothrappali and Wolowitz have made your favorite."

"My favorite?"

"I lived with you for a long time, Leonard. I know what your favorite breakfasts are." Sheldon pointed out as Leonard got out of bed and into his robe. "The only thing we don't have is Penny's French Toast. Because none of us are Penny."

* * *

><p>"This kinda reminds me of when we were little." Bridget mused, shaking the nail polish bottle. "Every time you saw I was doing my nails, I <em>had <em>to do yours too."

"And then we would wrestle Scott and manage to paint one fingernail before Dad had to break it up because we'd be kicking and screaming." Penny laughed.

"At least it got your wobbly tooth out once."

"I got quite a bit of money for that one!" Penny grinned proudly. "The Tooth Fairly did well that year."

"Or she felt sorry for you after you cried for like, an hour." Bridget rolled her eyes.

"Still, I bought so much candy with that money..." Penny smiled. "My kids are gonna get _so _much Tooth Fairy money. But not by having their teeth kicked out from each other."

"Still up for those kids, huh? Other foot." Bridget instructed.

Admiring the freshly painted nails of her left foot for a moment, Penny nodded. "Yeah. Absolutely." Sighing contentedly, she leaned back and closed her eyes. "God, this is so _cool_. I'm actually getting _married_!"

"Really? That's news to me!" Bridget laughed.

"Whatever." Penny shook her head. Enjoying the gentle warmth of sunshine through the window on her face and the scent of nail polish, she let her mind wander. Her initial stream of excitement had settled down slightly to a level where she could eat her breakfast and get on with the day without squealing every other sentence. The rest of her entourage had gone off to collect the bridesmaids dresses and check up on the rest of their guests. Her own dress was hanging neatly in it's cover, still a surprise to everybody else. Amy informed her the guys were also awake and preparing on schedule. Everything was going exactly to plan. It was all going to be perfect.

At least, until the panic that she had avoided for so long began to creep in as Bridget began the second coat of nail polish.

She was getting _married_. That was forever. _Forever_!

_I'm getting married. _

"Oh my God." Penny sat up, eyes wide.

"What?"

"I'm getting married."

"Yeah... yeah, you are." Bridget said slowly, not sure if Penny was about to scream in excitement or burst into tears.

"Oh God. I'm getting married _today_. I can't... I can't do that! I'm not... oh my God, it's so soon. I'm gonna be with Leonard forever and I'm still... I'm still seeing Ellen and the baby, my baby - _our _baby, she's... God, I need to get my life in order first, I'm still-"

"Penny!" Bridget leaned forward to grab her sisters hands. "Listen to me. None of that is _you_. You're just freaking out. It's okay."

"But it's-"

"It's exciting, and amazing, and it's going to be absolutely _perfect_." Bridget assured her. "I know you've had... a lot of horrible things happen to you, but you've also had some absolutely incredible things happen. You _deserve _to have this amazing day - and to feel this happiness every single day of your life."

Taking a deep breath, Penny gulped down the lump in her throat. "I know. I just..."

"Don't let that shit get to you." Bridget said firmly. "You're going to have an amazing wedding and cute babies. I'm going to paint your nails and you just think about those little Hofstadter kids running around in Daddy's Converse sneakers and Mommy's favorite purple body con dress."

* * *

><p>"Hey!" Leonard grinned as he answered Penny's phone call. "How're you doing?"<p>

"Good." Penny told him truthfully. "Excited, a little freaked out but... _really _looking forward to seeing you at the altar. What about you?"

"Yeah, a little nervous, but other than that - we're getting married! I'm excited!"

"Me too." Penny giggled. "I can't believe in a few hours I'm gonna be Mrs. Penny Hofstadter."

"Sounds just as beautiful as the bride is gonna look."

Smiling at her reflection in the mirror, Penny tucked a strand of hair behind her ear the way Leonard would do without realizing the similarity of the action. "I just wanted to talk to you for a little while. I'm very... you know..." She waved a hand around frantically as though he could see, "today. I'm getting my make up done soon."

"Raj and Sheldon have gone to pick up lunch. Howard's getting Scott, Michael, and our Dad's."

"You remember how to do your tux properly?"

"Of course."

"Good. And no Superhero t-shirts beneath your tuxedo shirts?"

"I promise, no Superhero t-shirts."

"Remember to double check Sheldon."

"I will."

"I love you."

"I love you too."

Grinning, Penny looked at the photo of Leonard on her screen before putting it back to her ear. "Meet you at the altar."

"I'll be waiting."

* * *

><p>"I wanted to show you this, son." Wyatt said, sitting down beside Leonard on the couch with a photograph. "But don't tell Penny I've shown you this. She probably doesn't even remember it exists."<p>

"Alright." Leonard said, curiously taking the photo from Wyatt. The second he saw what it was, his face lit up with a smile. A very young Penny - probably around four or five, from the looks of it - was standing in what he recognized to be the back garden of her family home. She held a bouquet of daisies and buttercups that looked like she'd picked them from the field beyond the garden. She wore a white dress that was evidently one her mother intended for special occasions, but had mud marks around the hem and knees. She was barefoot, a pair of chunky glittery sandals visible to the left of her. On her head was a white pillowcase, secured with three butterfly hair clips. "Oh my God. This is absolutely _adorable_!"

"Yeah... it is, isn't it?" Wyatt chuckled. "Mer was not impressed that she'd stolen our pillowcases and ruined the party dress she'd lain out for that evening. We found a copy of her Aunt Lucy's wedding video in the old VCR."

"Wow." Leonard was transfixed by the photograph.

"You know, that's the last time she was ever that enthusiastic about weddings and marriage and all that." Wyatt sighed. "She wasn't all too excited at me and Meryl's wedding. Hated Bridge's wedding - but very happy about the divorce news, not surprising though. I guess she never grew up with a good example of what a marriage should be."

"But you-"

"No, son, me and Meryl... we worked it out in the end, but there were - we had our problems. It's at least partially our fault." Wyatt shook his head. "That's why we're so glad she found you. And why I was _so _insistent that you didn't give up on her. The way she talked about you... even when she was only pretending you'd gotten back together, the things that girl said! That's true love."

* * *

><p>"Are you ready, sweetheart?"<p>

"Uh-huh." Penny nodded, looking at her mothers reflection behind her in the mirror.

"You look gorgeous."

"Thank you." Penny smiled shyly, running her hands over her dress. "It's not too..."

"The dress is absolutely perfect."

"Did you want me to get married in all white?"

"Sweetheart, I want you to get married the way that you feel is right."

Looking at herself in the mirror again, Penny nodded. "This feels right."

"You know, I just saw Leonard. He looks so cute in his tuxedo."

"They're such a change from his dorky t-shirts."

"Yeah, it's quite surprising to see all the guys all dressed up like that."

"Usually when the guys are 'dressed up' it's dressed up in some fancy dress costume." Penny giggled, finally turning around. "Is the car waiting for us?"

"Yeah. But you can take your time honey."

"No, I'm ready." Penny stepped toward her mother. "I've been ready for this for... a long time. I just can't believe it's finally happening."

* * *

><p>There was no doubt about it: Penny was absolutely beautiful. But walking down the aisle, grinning as she clung lightly to Wyatt's arm, Leonard found her a thousand times more breathtaking than he thought possible. Not in the way that made him grab for his inhaler, but the good kind that kept his eyes glued to her.<p>

It was _that _smile on his face that Penny was mesmerized by. The one that he reserved for her, and only for her. And right now, everybody could see it - everybody could see the way she made him feel. Penny loved that; to her, it was the depiction of love. His smile gave her a wonderful glow that she could feel herself radiating; like excited butterflies, only better.

Penny felt Wyatt let go of her hand and give her a kiss on the cheek. She clung to him a moment longer before giving him a kiss on the cheek too. He had worked hard to give her a life better than his own; perhaps he'd spent too much time perfecting her sports skills, but Penny had to admit he'd done a pretty damn good job. Finding a way to thank him for that was difficult, and Penny could only hope in that moment that he was proud of the person she was now.

"You look... beautiful." Leonard couldn't stop himself from whispering to her as she stepped beside him.

Sheldon turned to Amy as the Minister began speaking. "This really is wonderful. I'm impressed."

"Me too. It's very... Leonard and Penny."

"Yes, it is."

In the front row, Beverly turned cautiously to look at her ex-husband. "Well, he certainly turned out better than I expected."

Philip Hofstadter held back a comment that if Beverly hadn't been so blinded by her warped psychological beliefs, she could have seen that Leonard had turned out incredibly well despite their questionable upbringing much earlier than his wedding.

"I believe you have prepared vows?"

Leonard nodded 'yes' before taking a deep breath and holding Penny's hands. "Penny, you stand before me today as fascinating and gorgeous as the day I met you. Back then you were just the pretty neighbor, but it did not take long for me to learn that there were so many complex layers to you that made you even more special. You took my hand and showed me a world beyond the science that I knew, and for that I am forever grateful. Science is how I make sense of the world; you _are _my world: after all, we are made of particles that have existed since the universe began. I like to think that the atoms travelled fourteen billion years in time and space to create us so that we could be together and make each other whole."

"Oh my God. Wow." Penny felt her eyes watering. "Leonard, you're not only the love of my life - you're my best friend. We've gone through so much, both together and apart, and I wouldn't have gotten to become the person I am today without you beside me every step of the way. I think you've learned in that time that I struggle to put into words exactly how I feel... but today I will say the two most important words of my life, in front of the most important people in my life. So here I stand, the blonde girl from Nebraska who spent six years building up the courage to tell you she loves you, in a wedding dress at Griffith Park Observatory pouring her heart out. I love you, Leonard Hofstadter - you've got a friend in me. And that is never gonna change."

The Minister held out a ring to Penny. "Do you, Penny, take Leonard to be your lawfully wedded husband in sickness and in health, 'til death do you part?"

"I do." Penny was unable to stop her smile as she carefully placed the ring on Leonard's finger. There they were: those two binding words.

"And do you, Leonard, take Penny to be your lawfully wedded wife in sickness and in health, 'til death do you part?"

"I do."

Watching as Leonard gently slid the ring onto Penny's finger, the Minister grinned. "By the power vested in me by the State of California, I now pronounce you: Husband and Wife! You may now kiss the bride."

Penny was right: she had always been one for showing her feelings through action rather than words. The Minister had just about gotten out the final syllable before Penny had pressed her lips against Leonard's, one arm gripping his tuxedo jacket at the waist and the other at the back of his neck. Leonard placed both of his hands on her waist, giving her an excited and reassuring squeeze.

"Doctor and Mrs. Hofstadter, everybody!" Bridget announced excitedly.

"That's us!" Penny squealed as they pulled apart.

Leonard gestured a hand to the aisle. "Shall we, Mrs. Penny Hofstadter?"

The couple began to make their way down the aisle, white and pink petals being thrown from each side. Their congregation proceeded behind them, cheering and clapping: Bridget with Amy and Bernadette, followed by an ecstatic Raj, Howard and Sheldon. It wasn't long before their parents and friends began to join on, following the carpeted route to the roof of the Observatory. Upon arriving, they were handed champagne flutes - Leonard and Penny being slightly ahead, with the guests having respectfully slowed down to give them a head start.

Grabbing Leonard's hand, Penny skipped to the edge, looking out over the city. Holding up her champagne flute to his, she grinned. "Here's to the rest of our lives."

"To the infinite chapters of our life as Dr. and Mrs. Hofstadter."

* * *

><p><strong>AN - That's it guys! 35 chapters of this rollercoaster journey of a story... it's been really interesting to write. Sometimes scary, sometimes really exciting. I've got another installation planned because I sort of fell in love with the journey I started here. But real life calls and I will be a bit slow with writing and updating, so I hope this satisfies your hearts. And yeah, I borrowed the Leonard & Penny vows from TBBT 9.01 because actually, I thought those were adorable. Thanks for all those who've been reading and reviewing and following and favoriting! I wanted this chapter to be 3,000 words exactly so I've done very minimal editing. I have a thing for the appearance of numbers. (I would have liked 4,000 because I like even numbers, but the chapter number is 35 so it had to be 3,000). Happy New Year! :) **


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